How Can John Convince the 4th Woman He Asks Out at His Church that He's Not a Player?

Hey Everyone!

The conversations we've been having about flirting, dating, and seeking a Godly marriage partner reminded me of something I've seen in real life.

One of the topics we've been talking about is the advice to Christian men that they should date/ask out several women at once because it's assumed that a man will go through many rejections (which I hear a lot of guys talking about on dating sites especially.)

Let me tell you about John, a great Christian guy, hard-working, 28 years old with a good job and lifelong commitment to serving at his church. John has been praying for a long time, and he would really like to find a wife. And so, he decides to start dating.

John knows a few very attractive girls at his church that he's been interested in. He starts out by asking Sara if she'd like to see a movie with him Friday, and she accepts. John also asks Courtney if she would like to go to a church event together Sunday afternoon. He proceeds to go on these dates and is a perfect gentleman. At the end of each date, he asks if it would be ok if he could hug the girl he has taken out and each girl gives him a big hug in return, thanking him for a nice time.

But John doesn't really feel a spark with either girl, and so he decides to ask Rachel out the following week. She too accepts, but he doesn't feel any chemistry with her either.

And so, he decides to ask Michelle if she would like to go to dinner on Saturday.

Michelle isn't sure what to think. John seems like a great guy -- they've talked some after Bible class and he seems knowledgeable but yet never condescending. But she also knows that he's asked out 3 other girls at the church in the past month. Is John just simply going down the list of single women in the church, crossing them off like a checklist? Although she's never heard anything bad about John, she's also wary of becoming "the next on the list." Michelle, fearing that she's just another number, decides to politely decline.

By now, the other single women in the church know John is actively asking these women out and are starting to wonder if John is some kind of spiritual "player."

* How could John have convinced Michelle -- and any other girl after her -- that he was sincere and not trying to play her?


I know this example might seem ridiculous to some, but I've actually seen this play out -- and the poor guy wound up leaving the church (due to a cumulation of other things too, but trying to ask out almost every single woman in the church was a part of it.)

* Ladies, if you were that 4th girl that John asked out, would you have accepted? Why or why not?

* Gentlemen, if this was in reverse -- if a Godly single woman was asking out several of the single guys in the church and you were next on the list, would you accept?

* Is there anything John (or anyone else in his shoes) could have done in a better way?

This is just one of the many Catch 22's Christian singles seem to find themselves in -- we're told to "Find someone at church!" -- as if we couldn't think of that ourselves. But then when some singles actually try dating within their church, they develop a "reputation" -- and it generally isn't good.

* What do you think are better ways to approach this, if any?

For some reason all I can think about is those old Archie comics. Double dating was a staple plot - Archie would ask both Betty and Veronica on a date for the same night, usually because he forgot he asked the first when he asked the second. The rest of the story would be him trying to pull off both dates, running madly back and forth, without letting either girl know he was also on a date with the other.

They always found out and got mad at him though.

I was wrong. There IS something else I can think about - a Dilbert cartoon about a job hopper who has had ten jobs in a month, but tries to convince Dilbert's boss that he will stick around at THEIR company.

"Okay fine. You're hired."

"Man I am so sick of this place!"

Hey, good question and sub questions! If I was his fourth date knowing his history through the pipeline at church, I'd go and see if perhaps I was the one for him and him for me💕 Joyce Meyer says her husband of 50 yrs went on a few dates with other gals but was looking for someone who needed help. She says 'boy did God answer his prayer', lol. So my advice would be to go for it, apparently he hasn't found the right one yet and she could be her🙏🌹😂.

Honestly, when these single guys figure out what's happened, they'll probably stop talking to one another. They may even start going to different churches. Most guys would not like this.

Just my opinion..

As I was mentioning in the opening post, it's a real Catch 22.

Your condemned if you do, and you're condemned if you don't whatever you do.

If you don't do anything and just pray, people will say, "God's just not going to drop someone on your lap! Get out there and try!"

But for some who DO try, this is exactly the scenario they find themselves in.

And THEN, half the people will tell the poor person to branch out and try different churches, while the other half will condemn the person for "missionary dating" and turning the church into a meat market.

As is all too common in single Christian circles, you're going to be judged for doing something wrong, no matter what you choose.

Well that takes all the guesswork out of it.

If I'm condemned either way, I'll just go take a nap. Same condemnation, less effort.

If John had waited at least a month between dates, he might have retained some semblance of character. Dating three different women within a month because he didn't feel a "spark" is being shallow.

Perhaps a better approach would have been to plan three very different dates with each woman, and quietly assess her quality and compatibility across a range of contexts.

Were I to have been in the reverse situation (when I was single, that is), I would not have been inclined to accept the invitation. I'd feel that the woman simply wanted "a man", not "me". No, thanks.

Reminds me of those old lite beer commercials with enticements of, "Tastes Great, Less Filling!"

"SAME CONDEMNATION, LESS EFFORT!"

What good Christian could ever resist that?!

That is THE main turnoff for me. If she's desperate enough to ask that many people, she doesn't love me. She just wants somebody, ANYBODY, to stave off loneliness.

Which is exactly why poor John is finding himself turned down as well.

It definitely a conundrum.

It's almost like an unspoken rule that a Christian would only be allowed to ask out maybe 2 or 3 people from their church, tops (depending of course on how big the congregation was, and who talked to whom.)

Gee, no pressure.

If I were on the receiving end of a woman like that I'd have zero interest.

As far as what he can do to fix his situation, nothing I can think of. The reason being he can't tell Michelle that he's serious, because he's not. He's hopping through women at random hoping something works. There's no sincerity in his interest.

The smarter move is get to know them each at church and see if there's any connection that way. Had he had done this instead his reputation would still be intact. As well as showing actual sincerity in asking out someone he has a genuine interest in.

As laid out this is an interesting one for me. John has only gone on one date with each of these other girls. That's not quite the same as having an exclusive relationship with multiple girls in church in quick succession. So he can probably have 1 dinner but I'm not going to think he means anything by it because he's got the reputation of being one dinner then on to the next girl. And dinner conversation / interrogation has to be more interesting than my usual "Puppy want do you want? No this is Mom food not puppy food you can't have this. Chocolate is puppy poison so you really can't have this. How about outside? Do you want to go outside now?" And yes interrogating him is a perfectly loving christian thing to do. Have to gather enough information to determine if we have a chance or if he's just going to be wasting his time.
That's me, efficient as a robot and almost as romantic. So I guess John's not going to feel any sparks from me either. If it weren't for the food I would just send an AI bot in my place.

I think that in real life, if the other 3 women knew he dated the first woman they wouldn't date him. But to go along with the original story, I wouldn't blame the women for thinking he's a player and there's nothing he could to change that. Although a true player is someone who maintains multiple relationships at the same time. John was more of a test-driver than a player. But no one uses the phrase test-driver so yea, they'd see him as a player.

I heard her mention that on one of her youtube videos where she's preaching to a live audience. I think she said she was outside washing her car when it happened.