Christian Men -- Would You Marry a Woman Who's Kissed 50 Different Men?

Hey Everyone,

The recent discussions about flirting and dating in the Singles Forum have me thinking. In one post, the men were encouraged to date several women at once in their search to find a suitable one to marry.

This then brought up the topic of how people define dating. I'm old-fashioned -- if a couple is holding hands and kissing, it's crossed the line between just friendship and has now ventured into dating, so for me, the next step would be discussing a committed relationship.

I mentioned that I personally would not date several men at once (therefore, I would not be going out holding hands and kissing a bunch of guys,) nor would I want to date a guy who was dating (holding hands with and kissing) several women at once, and maybe even over a lifetime, depending on their story. (And I try to be very understanding of one's past, as I have dated guys who confided that they have been sexually abused when young.)

I wrote in another thread that I have been part of some Financial Discord chats for well over a year. These are non-Christian and 99.9% male, most of whom are young (20's to 30's,) have good jobs, are earning a good salary and investing for the future. They are expecting to have what the world would see as a successful and "ideal" life.

A common topic of interest in some of these chats is the "Passport Bro Lifestyle" -- Western men who go on vacation or live in lower cost countries (such as in Latin America and Asia) where they freely "date" (sleep with) every woman that catches their eye. Foreign women are seen as more focused on serving men, and Western money goes a lot further to impress them. Some want to find a good, virginal girl to perhaps marry and raise their children, but the general thought is that they will either still be able to play all they want (but their wife is not allowed to see anyone else,) or continue the open playboy lifestyle indefinitely. Some are already doing this and giving the other guys tips on the "best" places to go with the "hottest girls." I know this is a tale as old as time, but as Christians, we strive to live much differently from the world.

I know I'm going to sound absolutely grandmotherly for this, but to me, if someone is dating or has even dated a lot of people and is holding hands/kissing them all (because who really stops with just one kiss?,) it's really a watered-down, Christianized version of the Player's Lifestyle. People are forming romantic/physical connections with multiple people, whether at once or in a row, experimenting with what they can get away with but "not sinning," and then hoping to find the pure, virginal "one" to finally settle down with and finally achieve the brass ring of Christian matrimony. Now maybe some are experts at just lightly kissing multiple people multiple times and never letting it get any further than that, but at the very least, I'm pretty sure it will turn into a "light" make-out session and would most likely move into questionable touch territory, even if they are always able to stop (or think they can.)

How do you feel about Christians dating and kissing several people before they find/marry their spouse? As someone who is getting older in a very single corner of the world, it gets more and more challenging to find someone with "low" numbers as time passes.

Now, I understand this brings up a plethora of other factors -- what if the person lived in the world, or fell of the wagon, and became a dedicated Christian later on? What if the person was abused? Which are all good questions for other discussions.

My focus here is what kind of dating behavior Christians expect from both themselves and other Christians. I'm specifically asking the gentlemen here because of the specific advice to men to date several women elsewhere in the thread. However, all -- including married friends who care to chime in -- are welcome to answer.

The poll system only allows for limited answers so I can't include every possible answer people will come up with, so please come back and post your own answer after voting. Votes will be multiple choice and will be anonymous (no one can see what you voted.)

I'm very curious to see what my fellow Christians believe about this particular aspect of dating.

Because the other interesting topic leads to is, if someone says no, I wouldn't marry a woman who's kissed 50 other guys, then what number becomes "acceptable"? Especially for those of us in middle age and who may have been married before.

And what would be the "acceptable" number for oneself if they place a limitation of the "number" for others?

This should be an interesting one for sure.

If a girl has been carrying on in this manner, my question would be why? What need in her life is she trying to fill like this?

If she gotta go on that many dates, would I be enough to keep her satisfied? I don't think I want to try.

Remember, Jesus never said the woman at the well was doing the right thing to have all these relationships. He turned around and addressed the need she was trying to fill with all these relationships, unsuccessfully.

My first question would be, what need is this girl trying to fill? Apparently she's not having much luck filling it with relationships.

Need to get that fixed first. Then we can talk about going out together.

Thanks for these exceptional posts, Lynx.

I've always said that if a man were dating me and a gaggle of other women at the same time, it would make me feel like a piece of meat at the deli counter. It would turn me into just a number that gets called out and claimed, with many other products on display and to be chosen and picked up in addition.

"Fourteen? Now calling #14! Step right up! Last call for number 14!" and no sooner than when your number has been called, it's time to move right on to the next number: "Fifteen! Now calling #15!" And so the pile of tested merchandise grows...

I remember a time several years ago when we had a small wave of people who said that since Abraham, David, and Solomon were allowed multiple wives and harems, God must have approved of it and so it's perfectly fine for modern Christian men as well (but NOT for Christian women.) I disagree with that on all counts, but of course, this wanders into an entirely different subject altogether.

Interesting that you mention people trying to fill the void with a romantic partner. I've done some reading about how the divorce rate for second marriages is twice as high as for first, and that it's generally because people don't realize they are the common denominator in each of their relationships. They never realize/want to face the changes they themselves need to make, and so they simply move on down the line, always thinking the answer (or blame) lies within someone else.

It's also interesting - and I never hear people talk about this - how, when even if one gets married, the void still isn't closed and now manifests in different ways. How many of us have known people who "just knew" they would feel fulfilled "if only" they had a baby... then if it's a girl, they just know they'll feel fulfilled "if only" they had a boy, or vice versa. Six kids later (three girls and three boys,) the void still hasn't closed up and a in a few years, they start thinking, "if only" I had a grandchild...

Now of course God gives people natural desires for marriage and for children -- but I'm talking about when it gets out of control and we start making relationships and people into idols rather than as a means to further our walk with God.

I'm not really sure how or when we can know that we've learned to rely on Jesus enough (maybe that's why He makes some of us wait so long, or indefinitely,) but I'm glad to enjoy the company here in Singles along the way.

It's an interesting phenomenon.

A lot of the guys in the financial Discord chats seem to want a proportionally large enough number of hot, willing and available women to sleep with freely and indefinitely, but just enough hot, pure, and virginal-type women to marry, bear, and raise their children.

Again, it's a tale as old as time (literally, as it was happening right in the Old Testament.)

So I'm curious if the same is true within the Christian community.

Would Christian men want there to be enough women to casually date, kiss, and lightly make out with, but then have just enough pure, virginal Christian women to marry who either hadn't kissed/made out with any other guy, or at least had only done so with fewer partners than they had?

I personally believe in equal standards for both genders but again, I know in today's world, I sound very old-fashioned -- even in some Christian circles.

Don't think I didn't notice you stealing my lines. Those are MY lines!

You better cough up some royalty fees, or you gonna be talking to my lawyer.

Are you trying to say you've secured royalties on the term "idolatry"?!

(If so, where can I sign up. Once accomplished, you know what the subject of my next 50 thread is going to be.)

I want to give a shout-out to the anonymous first poster of the poll who was honest enough to include the answer that he would consider marrying such a woman if she was good-looking enough to make up for her past. Kudos to you and thank you for answering! I loved your sincerity and open-mindedness in all of your answers!

This is a topic of conversation I have with my Christian single friends regularly -- the fact that Christians, admittedly or not, even when proclaiming the most steadfast of faith, are still extremely susceptible when it comes to looks.

If it's a choice between the sweet, chubby girl/guy who's been a member of/worked for the church all their life and the astonishingly good-looking girl/guy who walks through the church doors confessing they were a former stripper/drug dealer who now wants to get right with Jesus (but is still struggling,) how many times have we seen Christian singles throw their well-rehearsed creeds right out the window in pursuit of the mysterious, hot newcomer with a sketchy past and currently shaky situation.

I would not date marry a guy who has slept around with many women even if he has already repented. Repenting is good of course especially for his soul, but the lingering effects of his past experiences do not go away. For example, he will have too many memories of other women, and may have caused/suffered from a lot of hurt. I would also respect him less, and respect is important in a marriage. With kissing, I'll allow more flexibility.

That's the kind of girl I feel sorry for. If she gets a guy on her looks, how long will she be able to keep him? Gravity is the great equalizer.

On the other hand, only god knows the heart. The chubby girl might have been a stripper if she could have gotten away with it.

WOW.

Thanks very much for this profound thought.

Many years ago, I worked with a woman who on the heavier side. She would often declare her love for her husband, even crying when she thought she'd upset him, and they seemed to be a very happily married couple.

This was in the early days of weight loss surgery, and both this woman and her husband opted to try it out. For the first time in her life, she was at least of normal weight, if not verging on thin.

And apparently, men started to notice.

I was honestly shocked when I heard that she had left her husband for another man. But it was also said that this was the first time she had ever experienced getting attention from any other man, and that part of why she'd been so attached to her husband was because up until then, he was the only one to notice her in that way.

I guess it's very much like money.

Noticeable amounts money or good looks bring about new opportunities, good and bad, and we never really know what choices we would make unless we're in that situation...

Thanks again for your amazing post!

This is something I've been thinking about lately...how people are always unhappy. I know someone who wants a child desperately; she's at an age where she'll only have one child unless she has twins, etc. I joked that this cycle is going to repeat in 30 years when she pressures her future child to have a child (a grandchild). She actually agreed.

I guess it is natural that once someone hits a milestone, they go for the next one. Otherwise, they feel a sense of void.

The other void is void in personal relationships. No one is going to fill that void 100%. Only God knows us intimately 100%; no one else knows our past, our thoughts, our feelings, etc. 100%. Our most intimate relation is with God. However, I admit it can sometimes be hard to "feel" God which translates into feeling a sense of void with God.

In today's world, we call the number of people we've had sex with in the past our "body count."

Some Christian YouTubers are currently discussing the body count they can accept from someone they are about to marry. Hookup apps make it easy to rack up a pretty high "'body count." But many agree that even if there is a high body count and the person has repented of their promiscuity and has turned to Christ, the person can still be a God-honoring partner in a Biblical marriage.

Most would also agree that kissing is not the same as having sex. However, if it turns passionate enough to lead to sex, then it can be a problem.

Your analogy of the woman going around kissing 50 different men at one time is not realistic. Either it would lead to her having sex with one of the men, or she would be viewed as some sort of lunatic. Either way, it would be unsustainable.

I advocate for men asking several women out at once simply because I know they will get stood up or rejected by most on the first date. Unfortunately, that's how things are these days. I'm not saying that because you would do it.

However, if he has a romantic connection with a woman, he should not go out and start another romantic relationship.

I view a first date as merely a way to see if there could be a romantic connection. Therefore, I must create another post to clarify what should happen on a first date.

I agree with you 100% about constantly reaching for, then setting new milestones (voiding the last one as meaningless in comparison.) I've often thought about and wondered if goals are actually meant as a great distraction to keep us from facing uncomfortable truths in life.

And I this is a big part of the "secret" that marrieds never seem to tell us singles.

A lot of married people with the best of intentions might encourage, even push us, to get married, but what is never said is that this does not entirely fill their void either.

I've never heard a married person who was trying to convince me to get married then say, "And THEN you start to feel empty because you don't have children..." Which, if beyond the normal longing for children God instills, simply means the emptiness is now manifesting itself in a different way.

Then they find that the first baby doesn't fill the void... and neither do all the others, even six babies later. I've known a few women who were devastated when they found out they couldn't have any more children, partially because they felt this would end their purpose in life, and partially because they truly believe "the next" baby would be the secret to TRUE happiness, even when their weary husbands tried to protest.

And so the cycle gets pushed onto their children when the parents start asking, "When are we going to get any grandkids?"

I have a friend whose father got a grand child but then immediately started asking when he would get more.

Again, I'm not talking about the natural desires God puts in people, but rather when it grows to the point of being an idol (more important than God or what God wants for them) and starts to override any consideration of the opinions of anyone else involved. Husband says no more kids? But... but... this NEXT baby will make us happy, I just know it!!!

This is a crucial thing I wish married Christians would tell us about -- how, when they got married, they soon discovered that their emptiness morphed into other things -- and how both they and their spouse learned to deal with it.

I dunno...

I personally know a LOT of guys who would stand in line for this kissing marathon.

I'm familiar with the term "body count" -- back in my day, I just called it a person's "number."

I agree with you that a woman would most likely never be able to go around kissing 50 guys without sleeping with at least one of them, which is why I brought it up.

I think it's equally ridiculous to think that a man can kiss 50 women without starting to rack up a body count either, which is why I wanted to know what you do and don't find acceptable physically on dates if a man is dating "several women at once."

I appreciate you taking the time to clarify and respond to these posts.

Kissing is nice.

Ever feel hungry because you haven't got enough sleep?

(Hang on. I'm going somewhere with this. I promise.)

Sometimes when I've had, like, three hours of sleep the night before, I'll make do with running on coffee. But about halfway through the day, despite all the caffeine in my system, I will start feeling gut-wrenchingly... hungry! VERY hungry, like I could eat half a horse. But no matter how much I eat, the hunger doesn't go away. It's not really hunger.

See, I'm running very low on energy because I didn't get enough sleep. But it's not bedtime so my brain doesn't interpret it as being sleepy. It defaults to one of the other low-energy triggers and thinks the body is hungry.

But no matter how much I eat, it doesn't help because I'm solving the wrong problem.

A lot of people throw a lot of things at their feeling of emptiness. It never does any good though, because they are trying to use the solution to the wrong problem. What they need to do first is identify the problem... But they assume they already know the problem, so they keep reaching for the solutions they think they need.

Sorry. I don't know HOW that happened!

The quote is Steve's. seoulsearch would never make that statement. I hope everyone here knows her better than that. =^.^=