I was in the darkness. I lived my life as if it was just my own. I did my best to be a good person: a good daughter that my family would be proud of and could depend upon, a kind and obedient student at school, and a good friend and sister to my childhood friends. I knew that GOD existed, but I couldn’t reach HIM, for some reason. HE seemed so far away….and though I tried to pray to HIM, or through Mary, when I was still a Catholic….my prayers never seemed to reach HIM. I knew that HE was supposedly love, and loves us so….but I didn’t understand then. I didn’t feel HIS presence in church mass. The Bible was just this boring book of stories and rules and prophecies that didn’t make any sense to me. It was nothing more than a some kind of reference book I wasn’t interested in reading, unless I have to.
The darkness was exciting and fun, it seemed. And I developed a fondness for certain sins. The thought of being holy was alien to me, and there was no part in me that desires it. I thought that heaven must be boring. I can’t imagine what I’d do there at all. What’s to look forward to? Clouds and smoke, and lot of brightness and light? To be with GOD, who is love? No pain and death, but just rest and peace. What is all that? What good is eternity if it wasn’t fun and exciting, and to be spent with someone I don’t know?
So I just went with the flow, for a long time. Going through the motions of fake religiosity, trying to be a good person. There was a time I experienced attending a true Christian church, that gave me a glimpse of what true fellowship and worship before GOD was like. It was heartfelt and fun and joyful. It gave me a desire for that real thing that everyone seemed to have: a sincere connection with GOD, and with each other. But shortly after attending that church for an entire summer, my mother forbid me from attending anymore. She said they where just scammers, who want to brainwash gullible folks and come after their money. I knew she was wrong, but what can a child say back to her own mother? I just held my tongue and obeyed her.
Even though I never got to attend that church again, their pastor, who sat me down one time during that summer spoke words to me that stayed with me for years, until this day. He said that there will come a time when I will encounter a trial in my life that I will not be able to overcome, no matter what I do. When that time comes, I should seek GOD in prayer, and ask HIM to come and take over, and be the GOD of my life. Pray and believe that HE will listen and answer my prayer.
I didn’t understand how difficult life could become when I was just 9 years old. I knew sad and bad things can happen. Still, I committed the kind pastor’s words to memory, just in case.
Life went on, for years after that. Many trials came to my life. I did my best to be strong and to be good, going through everything. I wanted to be someone my family could depend on. I had something to prove then.
But even though I tried to be strong and helpful, at one point in my life….my family turned against me when I made a mistake that caused everyone to fight amongst themselves. The mistake seemed so small….but it caused so much strife. I was in the middle of it, and I was viewed as the cause of the trouble. I couldn’t say or do anything to make it right. Everyone was shouting at each other, and at me. I had no defence whatsoever. I just ran away from the scene, and retreated to the darkness of my room, where I cried helplessly.
Alone in my room, I didn’t know what to do. How could such a small mistake ruin so much in the family? What’s done was done, I knew….but what could I do next? How can anything be made right?
Then I remembered the kind pastor’s words to me. This was it. That point in my life when the trial I couldn’t overcome all by myself came. I had no one to turn to, no one listen to me and help me. It’s just me, and GOD now….but would HE hear me? After all the years of treating HIM like HE’s nothing I wanted to have to do anything about….choosing darkness over light?
But I had no choice. I fell on my knees by my bed, and I prayed. For the very first time, I sincerely talked to GOD. There were no ulterior motives….no selfish designs in my head. Just pure and honest desperation.
“I don’t know if you’re real, or if you could hear me….and if you are, I don’t know if you’ll listen to what I’m saying….but I need your help. I’ve made a mistake, and it’s caused a huge mess here in my family. They’re all fighting, and it’s all my fault….everyone’s angry at me. I don’t know what to do….I feel so helpless. I know life will have even more difficult trials than this, and yet, I couldn’t face this one. How can I possibly face the ones ahead on my own? I’m sure that I’ll fail the rest….so please, help me. I can’t do this….I need you. Please take over my life….I’m giving it all up to you. Please be the GOD of my life….”
After I spoke those words….I felt light fall upon me as if from above me. In darkness, with teary eyes closed….I saw a gentle glow of light. Then suddenly….lightness. I felt a huge weight that was supposedly crushing me flat beyond the ground lifted up off of me. Then….I felt such inexplicable joy and peace and hope. Then I knew: GOD is with me. I’m no longer alone. HE answered my prayer. GOD has taken over, and HE is my GOD now. Suddenly, the future was bright. Suddenly, whatever trial I was facing didn’t matter. I was no longer afraid. GOD is with me, and everything will be alright ☺️🙏🏼💖💫
I left my room with a smile on my face. Everyone was still angry at me, shouting and insulting me. I said nothing. I didn’t feel any pain and fear. GOD is with me, I’m no longer alone. I’ll make it through, coz HE will make a way for me.
Eventually, the conflict just seemed to have melted away days after. Somehow, I knew that was the expected outcome. But honestly, I was just so happy to have GOD in my life to care 😅 HE became my Papa GOD and my very best friend! HE lit up my life, and filled it with HIS love ☺️🙏🏼💖💫 every day was like an endless moment of talking to HIM. Every opportunity to close my eyes in prayer was a sweet and warm and intimate time. It felt like we were so close, forehead to forehead, with HIS warm and loving light shining upon me. There was no difficulty that scared me. The uncertainty of the future disappeared from my thoughts. All I knew was my Papa GOD is with me, and HE will see me through it all ☺️🙏🏼💖💫
There was so much joy in my heart, that I just wanted to sing songs of praise and worship unto HIS name ☺️🙏🏼💖💫 and I wanted to tell everyone what HE has done in my life! And the Bible? HIS Word sprung to life before my eyes ☺️🙏🏼💖💫 what was a dead and meaningless book to me became a source of joy, encouragement, wisdom and truth. Now I love to read HIS Word because it speaks to me s deeply, and reveals so many treasures untold! ☺️🙏🏼💖💫
And heaven? Heaven is where Papa GOD is ☺️🙏🏼💖💫 and KING Jesus Christ, my Saviour! I know heaven will have untold riches and beauty, far beyond what I could imagine. It will be a joyful place, where there is no sin nor death, no pain nor suffering. My brethren will be there, and it will be wonderful. But most of all: GOD will be there. HE is heaven itself ☺️🙏🏼💖💫 HE is the One of looking forward to. I will get to meet my Wonderful, Amazing and Beautiful GOD who loved me and saved me, and I will get to be with HIM forever!!!☺️🙏🏼💖💫
What difference did becoming a Christian made in my life?
EVERYTHING.
Where once was darkness….now there is light that banished it all.
Where once was death and despair….now there is eternal life and inextinguishable hope.
Where once was empty meaninglessness….now has divine purpose and meaning.
Who once was a lost, unfit, unloved and unlovable girl who knew nothing about GOD and HIS Word….now, HIS daughter in whom HIS Holy Spirit dwells, and HIS love and light shines, and who delights in HIS Word, and lives by it daily 🙏🏼💖💫☺️ desiring to love our GOD, and to abide in HIM always!
”I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.“
Galatians 2:20 KJV