Single, Never Married, Without Child

This question is for the single (or celibate), never married, and without child. Have you grown in maturity since you reached adulthood (for the sake of this discussion, let's say 22)? Have you changed much since this age? How do you measure your self-growth? I am curious about all types of personal growth, such as emotional growth, social growth, etc. not just spiritual growth. Please state your age group, if you feel comfortable.

my personal growth started when I joined church and worked on myself i am in my 50s now and finally maturing

Well I fit the bill. As far as growth since the age of 22 (im 48 now) I'd say for sure, in many ways.
Mentally I've learned to handle my depression better. I used to always dwell in a dark mindset, but over the years I've managed to come out of the depths. I'm still depressed, and it still affects my life in many ways, but that darkness isn't as thick.
In relationships I've grown. I had some habits I believed were positive, but have finally recognized them as otherwise, and as a result have managed to break the habits. As well as being better at being more supportive and less problem solving.
Financially I've learned to be more thoughtful about spending money. I can have my times where I'll make some bad choices, but compared to when I was younger it's much improved.
I'm sure there are other ways over grown, but those are the first that come to mind.
I've been through some major emotional pain in my life, as well as thebpast 15 years of a variety of health conditions, some of which have put me in a lot of physical pain, but I've manages to survive it all. At times in my life I have had thoughts of suicide, but never gave in. Even this past year when I went through some medical stuff that can poses a threat of higher suicide levels among sufferers, I got through it.
I'm not in as good of a place at this age as I envisioned when I was in my 20s, but I can still see growth that makes me happy to see.

Most of the growing I've done since I technically became an adult has been in perspective and understanding. The more I see of life the more I understand how some people turned out the way they did. And for some people, the more I understand how they turned out that way the less I can be angry at them and the more I just feel sorry for them.

I'm 34 so I feel like I've definitely grown a lot since 22. I realized that I don't have to get married and have kids to be happy. At 22 I thought I was going to be married before I turned 25. By 34 I would have 3-5 kids already! lol I figured there was no other way I would be happy in life without a family of my own! God has shown me that that is not the case. I might not be able to have a family but I don't dwell on it as much. I've learned to be content with what I have. The peace I feel inside has grown and I don't feel as anxious anymore. I do struggle some days, but overall things have gotten better. I think I just learned to focus on God and less on what I don't have.

Also, before 28, I never dealt with a loved one dying. I lost my grandma in 2018 and then my dad in 2022. So I also learned how to grieve and overcome loss. I guess you can say, I learned that even if I'm going through a dark valley, I know God is holding my hand and I'll be okay once I'm out of it. Now I consider it a blessing that I didn't lose any close family members until I was 28. I got to enjoy my grandma for many years. I also got to have closure with my estranged dad before he passed.

In the recent past, I wrote some posts on friendships. I was recently alleged by someone, in a very negative way, that I have not changed much/grown in 20 years, while she has experienced a lot of self-growth. We are both in our late 30s, and she had has more life experiences in terms of relationships, breakups, owning a home, pursuing even higher education, changing jobs more times, experiencing new types of spirituality, or one could say being more "open-minded" and learning in other areas also, etc. She is also a nonbeliever but I have had a hard time letting her go. She cited my lack of self growth as one reason why we are not compatible. I see what she means, though I don't view my experience in a negative light. I have grown into a mature adult, can hold a job, can take care of myself, etc. However, I was already this way when I was 22 (I worked and was responsible when I was even younger), so in that sense I have not grown. I have not too much other life experiences, however I feel content and I feel God has shielded me from going through some unnecessary changes (or maybe not, perhaps I should taken more initiative in some areas). While I believe I have become more emotionally and spiritually aware and grown, I have a sense if I have had some more life experiences I could have grown even more in that regard. I have dealt with some personal issues, including family drama and health issues, during this time and have grown in maturity in those areas involving relationships. Thoughts? How would a person grow without life experiences? Should I seek new experiences for the sake of self-growth?

I limited the post to single, not married, without child because by default we have less life experiences and consequently less opportunity for self growth compared to the married/with children counterparts, generally speaking. I could be totally wrong but it seemed reasonable at the time I drafted the post. However, anyone please feel free to respond if you have some insight.

I agree. Being content with what we have is part of self growth. However, to some outsiders this can appear as being unmotivated, lazy, slow, etc.

That person has no business judging you. There are plenty of married people and people with kids who lack maturity. And maturity is not automatically gained from life experiences. Maturity comes from exercising good judgement and self-control. God bless you.

From what I have observed the experiences that result in emotional and spiritual growth are the ones that happen in life anyway. They aren't the kind you can seek out.

I mean... You can TRY if you want. Lots of people do. One popular experience that a lot of people try to find is marriage. But it seems the harder they try, the worse the result is. It seems to have something to do with being needy...

Of course trying to find experiences like that do result in a lot of life that can teach a person a lot of stuff. But it never seems very pleasant learning it that way. In fact it seems like choosing the hilly road full of potholes instead of the nice new highway. But people who try to rush life do get a lot of really negative experience.

Life will happen in due time though. It can't be avoided. The experiences that shape a person and make one grow will come when they come.

As for someone saying you haven't grown much lately, well... That may or may not be true. But you may or may not need it. I don't need to know everything about a car, as long as I have a mechanic I can take it to. I don't have any experience at all raising a family, but neither do I go around giving parents advice on how to raise their kids. I don't NEED that experience because I don't have a family to raise.

Whether your friend is right or wrong, it probably doesn't matter. Probably you have either grown in ways she does not see or you don't need the kind of growth she thinks you are missing. The only way you would need to be concerned is if you ARE missing the kind of growth that you DO need.

I know some people think I have not grown a lot. They are probably right, in some specific areas. But I don't need the kind of growth they think I should have. It is of no use to me.

But I have grown in ways they think are not important. Maybe they really are not important, to them. But I have grown.

By the way did your friend specifically state that you have not grown enough? Or did she just say she has grown more than you?

She did not. She just thinks she has all these life experiences which have deepened and expanded her perspectives, and that I do not share the interest of self-growth. Truth is, I am sure she is a bit jealous that I haven't gone through as much as she has. I am happy as well, a lot of what she went through was self-caused. But, honestly, I am sad about the situation.

I believe in self-growth, especially spiritual self-growth. However, even a (Christian) monk can achieve this, and learning contentment, satisfaction with life, having a relationship with God, etc. I don't think one needs to go through all the items that society decides.

For the other step stones, yes I believe there is some or even a lot of value. However, they are not the most important things in the world. One can have spiritual self growth without all of that. If God asks us to pursue something, then we should.

Hi Ms. Mediator,

Thank you for another insightful question, which you are very good at asking in your theads. Following this discussion has brought up many things I want to say, but I'm not sure how to condense them or put them in a way that's helpful.

I found it interesting in this second post when you said a lot of what your friend went through was "self-caused," such as with relationships, etc. This reminded me of when I watched a friend participate in online dating and guys would ask for her number right away. But she was having problems with some who wouldn't take no for an answer, and so she'd have to change her number every few months, which was stressing her out. Trying to learn from this when I was on dating sites, I insisted on getting to know someone for a while via writing first, which was not well-received. I was often accused of being "paranoid" and "immature," then blocked before I could answer.

But, I didn't have to change my number a single time. (Of course, I'm still single, lol, but that's ok.)

One thing I've found as a single is that a lot of people think the best way to grow is to be exactly like them, do what they've done, and have the life they've had. If we haven't been through the same experiences, trials, and challenges, then we aren't fully "grown" to them, even if we have our own set of experiences. I had a co-worker who was always telling me I should be a parent (foster or adopt) on my own. Then one day she broke down and said she wished she's never had her first child, and that she hated seeing someone right in front of her everyday who didn't have kids and had freedom.

Another single father right here on this site once told me that since I didn't have kids, I should be offering to take in single mothers with their kids and helping to raise them. But it later came out as well that he was tired of being alone, and was envious of seeing a single who didn't have the responsibility of children.

People have to recognize that we are all called to different things, and that we grow in different ways. God might be growing us spiritually and it may have absolutely no value to anyone else. I spent almost 10 years in prison ministry and it was one of the biggest lessons of my entire life, one that pretty much no one except my closest friends see the value in, and everyone else thought I was nuts. When I went to work in the children/tween ministries as a helper, I begged God to send me back to the prisons because I found that working with kids is just not my calling. I felt much more alive corresponding and trying to understand inmates facing life without parole for the worst crimes known to man - that's just how God built me. But He's also the only one who would count it as growth.

I do understand that it gets very discouraging and lonely when others don't understand certain parts of our walk with God. But on the flipside, I also understand that it can be hard trying to relate to others who have not been through the same things we have and can't understand our point of view. I have definitely experienced both sides of the coin.

You seem like a very thoughtful, deep-thinking, and responsible person, which in itself is quite an accomplishment and takes years of very real growth to achieve. I'm really sorry that this "friend" so cruelly put you down. But I also understand having people in our lives who are hard to let go of, even when they don't treat us very well.

May I ask, where do you feel God is leading you? Have you felt either way if He is guiding you to hang on to, or let go of this person? Likewise, do you feel He wants to lead you to new experiences?

I know that for myself, there have been some growth experiences He's specifically led me into, some I fell into while following others I admire, and a few others where God shoved me right into the middle of the storms, kicking and screaming all the way!

Of course, it was always for a purpose, though I didn't know what for at the time.

Perhaps God is using this person to push you in unfamiliar directions that may or may not lead to moving on from her?

Please keep us posted on how it goes and I will be keeping you in my prayers.

Normalcy bias is real. We are constantly bombarded with what's normal and what's not. Governments and special interest groups are trying to form public opinion to reach a desired consensus.

The marriage and family life have more responsibility generally, and it's really like having a 2nd and 3rd job. Of course there are many benefits to being married and having children, but it's not the path for every one. I think it's very possible that people get married with out realizing what they are signing up for, and when things get uncomfortable, people split, and marriages and families are shattered.

Being single allows for more freedom and time to pursue personal growth and achievement. Although, being married and having kids gives you a new perspective on life, that will definitely change your view on living, and allows for different goals to be obtained, and leadership skills.

If someone said, you haven't changed much in 20 years, take that as a compliment. Being single slows the aging process in my opinion. I definitely think marriage and family adds huge amounts of stress to living, but if that's your calling, than it might not seem such a burden, like one might think from an outside perspective.

One of the Bible verses, that really has stuck with me lately is......

Philippians 1:21

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.


As far as a Bible verse that specifically for singles, this one should hit home.


Corinthians 7:32-34

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided.


Do you want to be free from concern, or more concerned about the affairs of the world?

If I may, your "friend" is confusing growth with having a pride in life. You just might be more humble and calm, while she feels the need to "get out of the box" so to say. Nothing wrong with you. And honestly what she said came from pride. A friend accepts others as they are, even if there is the need to see some change in them. Thats my opinion, at least. PS: I dont have many friends lol

Those verses hit home, Im single, and I do like this freedom, at the same time, sometimes, I do think a lot about having family.

With age comes wisdom is the prevailing thought....that ain't true. Wisdom only comes by seeking after it and having the courage to TRULY see ourselves for who and what we are objectively.

That being said...as we "mature" we often become "hard hearted" in good ways and bad. We also tend to know "what comes next" when dealing with people because we might become more astute and understanding human nature.

Development of a "thick skin" when it comes to certain things is a positive. While being jaded and immune to the plight of others is not.

And the determination for growth? It is not the scales you have been using...it's a different set.

Can a person mature wisely with wisdom and still be generous and kind hearted?

I think the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom and, thus, conviction is the understanding of self. I think wisdom and understanding are harmonious, but not necessarily the same. Understanding is knowledge or education, awareness and ability, but wisdom is foresight or judgement and prudence. So, while my understanding of a thing may be jaded or unsympathetic, my wisdom of the same may be caution and forgiveness.

Wisdom is kinda like the old question 'which comes first, the chicken or the egg?'. Our understanding probably answers the chicken, but wisdom may seek the continuance and sustainability of life - the egg.

Hi Ms. Mediator, I qualify on all counts (I'm not really a mom, Snackers was an art project).

As far as lived experiences, I have done a lot of things that many people my age (40) have never experienced. On the flipside, there's a lot of things I haven't experienced that most people my age would consider a common part of life. I'm not sure how much growth came from the experiences I sought out, but I'm thankful for them nonetheless.

The most growth probably came from the things that I never would have chosen to go through, like the illness of loved ones or facing the possibility of losing my business during Covid. Or the random things God led me to do that I never would have done without His prompting (He knows just what we need, thank goodness He never bases it off of what we think we want!)

In addition to that, a lot of growth has come from the random little life situations that bring to light what I need to work on or turn over to Jesus. If you don't feel you are experiencing that, you could ask The Holy Spirit to guide you to what He wants you to do (then hold on to your hat, it might be a wild ride!)

God knows what growth you need a lot better than this "friend" does.... it doesn't sound to me like they are using the same measuring guide.