The fear of attraction

Sooooo...... no idea what kind of responses I will get, but I feel like I need some outside perspectives. So please be patient with me while a I bare my soul.

It has recently come to my attention that I have a fear of attraction, and I feel like God is telling me it's time to deal with it. It mostly manifests as me avoiding any guy I might feel attracted to (and to some extent any guy who might be attracted to me).

I've been vaguely aware of it for a while, but since I thought I was only hurting myself I didn't think much about getting rid of it. However, recent life situations and a few posts by Calmador and JohnDB (Thanks guys!) have helped me see the other side of it and I realize it needs to go. Sooooo......

Can anyone here (male or female) relate to what I'm talking about, and if so please share your thoughts! Is it something you've struggled with but managed to overcome? Have you helped someone else overcome it, and if so how? Got any verses to share? All input is appreciated!

I dunno... I'm not afraid of it really, just seemingly oblivious.

Why do you reckon you're afraid of it? Scared of getting hurt if he dumps you? Afraid of the responsibility inherent in a relationship?

Yes. It can be a temperament trait, as it was in my case. I did not marry until my 30's. The marriage lasted 9 years and I remained single for 25 years. I married again October 2022. I was a total introvert and avoided getting close to anyone.

We need to learn to love ourselves. How can we love our neighbour if we do not love ourselves? We need to see ourselves as God sees us, new creations in Christ with nothing to fear and nothing to be ashamed of. When we get over ourselves, we will be free to commit to a relationship with another.

We need to learn to love ourselves. How can we love our neighbour if we do not love ourselves? We need to see ourselves as God sees us, new creations in Christ with nothing to fear and nothing to be ashamed of. When we get over ourselves, we will be free to commit to a relationship with another.

The self-hatred angle is interesting too, someone else mentioned that to me as a possible cause, along with pride (weird how they can coexist so well!). How did you change your view of yourself, if you don't mind me asking?

During a recent men's group study, it was stated that "Harboring resentments is allowing someone to live inside your head rent free". It was asked what were my struggles in this area?.. Honestly, my resentments come from the younger me, the person I was years ago. The decisions etc.. that the younger me made still follow me today. I can't tell you how to change your view of yourself. You just have to do that. You have to change your view.

Yes. It can be a temperament trait, as it was in my case. I did not marry until my 30's. The marriage lasted 9 years and I remained single for 25 years. I married again October 2022. I was a total introvert and avoided getting close to anyone.

After my disastrous first marriage which ended in 1984 after 6 1/2 years, I was alone and celibate for the next 18 years; I was a total introvert too and really didn't allow anyone to get close to me. It wasn't worth the potential pain.

Soooooo........what changed in 2002, if you don't mind me asking?

The loneliness was too much for me to bear. Basically, I was just living for myself - get up, work, go home, eat, go to bed.

I prayed for God to find someone for me to love and for her to love me back.

Met a nice Christian woman on AOL Romance Christian Single chat room om 2002. Got married a few months later. Sadly, she died prematurely at the age of 59 in 2014. Met my present (and last) wife on this site who is also a member.

I'm so sorry about your second wife. It's really neat that you found love here though, congratulations to you both!

Since it sounds like introversion was a big hurdle for you, do you think that meeting online is what made the difference? I don't seem to have as much trouble talking to guys online or in text, it's just in person where it's really hard.

Sooooo...... no idea what kind of responses I will get, but I feel like I need some outside perspectives. So please be patient with me while a I bare my soul.

It has recently come to my attention that I have a fear of attraction, and I feel like God is telling me it's time to deal with it. It mostly manifests as me avoiding any guy I might feel attracted to (and to some extent any guy who might be attracted to me).

I've been vaguely aware of it for a while, but since I thought I was only hurting myself I didn't think much about getting rid of it. However, recent life situations and a few posts by Calmador and JohnDB (Thanks guys!) have helped me see the other side of it and I realize it needs to go. Sooooo......

Can anyone here (male or female) relate to what I'm talking about, and if so please share your thoughts! Is it something you've struggled with but managed to overcome? Have you helped someone else overcome it, and if so how? Got any verses to share? All input is appreciated!

Sooooo...... no idea what kind of responses I will get, but I feel like I need some outside perspectives. So please be patient with me while a I bare my soul.

It has recently come to my attention that I have a fear of attraction, and I feel like God is telling me it's time to deal with it. It mostly manifests as me avoiding any guy I might feel attracted to (and to some extent any guy who might be attracted to me).

I've been vaguely aware of it for a while, but since I thought I was only hurting myself I didn't think much about getting rid of it. However, recent life situations and a few posts by Calmador and JohnDB (Thanks guys!) have helped me see the other side of it and I realize it needs to go. Sooooo......

Can anyone here (male or female) relate to what I'm talking about, and if so please share your thoughts! Is it something you've struggled with but managed to overcome? Have you helped someone else overcome it, and if so how? Got any verses to share? All input is appreciated!

1st, it may be your "Christian mental template" you conditioned yourself with long ago, especially with christian women. i'm assuming you are Christian. then, your Christian conscious, soul, spirit & mind you properly trained is telling you, "think, speak & act the right thing". so, being properly on guard, the woman's "natural, permanent, cautious, protective, spiritual guard" is properly in place, acting out righteously. ambivalence & doubt will enter your thoughts also. always know the devil will tempt you too. in your daily life, apply this rule, "be calm, loose, relaxed". this is where a conditioning of repetition really needs to be installed in the objeticve & subjective minds. being worried, tense, doubtful or negative can easily lead to the wrong decision. but 1st, get Doctor Jesus on the job! He knows the perfect man for you. cogitate on the "natural you" for a long while in a quiet room. do this many times. constant eye contact reduces fears. concentration & paying attention with the utmost sincerity also reduces fears. this training or retraining will take time. be willing to put the time in. these days with such expedient ways, it's harder to put the time in. as an actor practices, practice how you look & what to say before a potential date. men will always be pleased by looks. get yourself beautiful & pretty. always say a prayer before you meet a man. blessings to you.

I thought it was just me. In the past, seemingly without my conscience decision I would walk away and avoid a woman I liked, or even a woman who smiled at me. When it came to romantic first contact, I was very shy.

Our reasons for doing that may be quite different, but how to overcome it is very likely the same. Today is generally called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's explained well in youtube videos, which I encourage you to check out. You can even decide to see a practicing psychologist to develop a personal plan.

I can speak on how it might go for anyone. First step: You could start by praying and writing down why you do the behavior. Give it some thought for a few days. Address those reasons/fears with a mind to solve any of the issues. Example maybe you thoughtfully decide you're willing to take the effort to date and/or be rejected.

Next step would be neurologically rerouting your current thoughts (synapses) and knee-jerk reactions for these situations. You can do this by envisioning these meeting situations in your mind and you talk to this person rather than walk away. Do this repeatedly. Something in the order of once every day for a week, and then repeat twice a week for 3 months. You want to have a special journal for this; and write down any current real-life situations and thoughts, and your progress, including your visualization sessions.

Last step would be to actively put your visualizations into real-life practice. Seek out people you're interested in and talk to them. If there's any fears, psychological research is clear we overcome them through guided exposure. Guided here just means we very consciously stay aware of how our body is feeling, we tell ourselves we're going to be fine (which we will) and we're courageously experiencing it through steps and repetition.

My fear was not being attractive, so I guess the opposite problem 😅😂

Sooooo...... no idea what kind of responses I will get, but I feel like I need some outside perspectives. So please be patient with me while a I bare my soul.

It has recently come to my attention that I have a fear of attraction, and I feel like God is telling me it's time to deal with it. It mostly manifests as me avoiding any guy I might feel attracted to (and to some extent any guy who might be attracted to me).

I've been vaguely aware of it for a while, but since I thought I was only hurting myself I didn't think much about getting rid of it. However, recent life situations and a few posts by Calmador and JohnDB (Thanks guys!) have helped me see the other side of it and I realize it needs to go. Sooooo......

Can anyone here (male or female) relate to what I'm talking about, and if so please share your thoughts! Is it something you've struggled with but managed to overcome? Have you helped someone else overcome it, and if so how? Got any verses to share? All input is appreciated!

Thank you for your thoughts Karlon, I believe you are correct that past mental conditioning is playing a part. Most Christian ladies are pretty well drilled from a young age on how they are "supposed" to act, and the rules can be pretty strict and difficult to over-ride later in life. I would love to be more "calm, loose and relaxed", but the pressure to always "think, speak, and act the right thing" makes that kind of hard . I do know I have made some improvement though, because I used to avoid all available men and now it's down to just the ones I'm attracted to. So I guess that's progress. When you say to cogitate on the "natural me", do you mean the person I would be if I could somehow remove all the years of conditioning and being told by various people how I "should" be?

Your post did make me realize that I don't think I've ever asked Jesus to give me a proper view of myself. I have asked Him to do that regarding people I don't get along with well or don't understand, but I don't think I have ever given myself the same consideration. So........ thanks for that.