Why Don't We Ever Hear About Wives Who Are Addicted to Porn?

Hi Everyone,

In another thread, I was talking about the fact that many of the single girls I know (including myself) are remaining single in the hopes of finding a man who doesn't have an addiction or strong attraction to porn (as in regular dependency -- daily viewings, regular time and money spent on materials by choice, can't go for very long without it, etc., not just occasional dabblings most everyone has.)

I had made the observation that I knew many women (again, including myself,) seemed to find great guy friends who weren't into porn, but for some reason, we were always just friends. And then often the ones we were attracted to were also hooked on porn. It's not an absolute, of course, but seemed to happen a lot in my observation.

This brought up an exchange that has me thinking:

(CC Member) Sculpt wrote:

"So, the guys (these women) do have romantic chemistry with are only the guys who are a slave to porn? In other words, the guys that are a slave to porn are the only guys that give the single girls some romantic chemistry? It sounds like a Catch 22 lol. Do you think there's a problem on both sides?"


Seoulsearch (I) responded:

"Sculpt, do you have women in your life that you've Friend Zoned, or they have Friend Zoned you? What are the reasons? The biggest one I hear from whoever has decided it will only be a friendship is that there is no "chemistry" between them. Whatever that means, as people have been trying to decipher it from the beginning of time, but for whatever reason, the person has no romantic feelings for the other person.

Now I can only speak from my experience, but I've met some awesome guys who are not into porn, but for whatever reason, we were just friends. I have not had many relationships in my life, but of the ones I did and of the guys I was attracted to, porn was often a regular habit for them. I'd like to think I'm older and wiser now, and have learned I'd rather stay single than be with someone who constantly needs to look at other women.

I understand being human in a fallen world. We can't avoid everything, and we are all going to fall at some point, and on occasion. But if someone is regularly, willfully, and intentionally seeking such material on a regular basis, I have to pass on anything more than a friendship. The female friends I have feel the same way -- but of course, we are just a small sampling of all the possible outlooks out there.

I do think that porn has probably been a long-time problem for women in modern society, but often more in the written sense. Any used bookstore I've ever been to has had at least one entire wall of "romance novels," so for a few dollars, women could stock up on literal armfuls of literary porn daily. And of course, with even ads these days being borderline and sometimes over the top, I'm sure many women get hooked on the visuals too. I talked to one woman a long time ago who, while trying to police her husband's porn habits, was falling into an attraction to it herself -- and they still wound up divorcing.

I do think though that in general, many women need more of a background story to go with it, which is why literary porn would be popular with them (and why they are into romance novels being turned into movies.) This is part of why women love to hear about how couples met, how they fell in love, how they started flirting and what made them attracted to each other, etc. The story and process is a big part of the attraction for many women.

You do have me thinking about something interesting... In my time here on CC, there have been tons of women asking for help because their husbands are regularly watching and sometimes preferring porn to them. I've also seen some posts here from women who were addicted to porn and asking for advice.

But in 14 years, I can't recall ever seeing a husband asking for help because his wife was addicted to porn. I'm sure it exists, and maybe there have been threads here about it that I've missed. But it has me wondering why men don't reach out for help with this issue when it's their wife who is the one with the problem.

Is it because they're battling their own porn addictions? Is it because they're too embarrassed to ask for help and admit their wives are turning to sources other than them? Do some men not care or are willing to ignore it if their wives are reading or looking at trash, just as long as she makes personal time for him?

I don't know the answers, but now you definitely have me thinking about the other side of the coin."


I have literally been thinking about this subject ever since. I have been in the homes of married Christian women in which they have entire bookcases filled with "romance" novels -- and it might just be me, but I see this as the equivalent of a husband who has his own library of pornographic materials.

It's odd to me that these types of books have seemingly been accepted as something normal in some Christian circles. I have a collection of cookbooks (even though I don't really cook -- that's another story for another day) from a company called Gooseberry Patch. Some of the ladies here may have heard of them, as they are very popular among church-going, country-living homemakers.

A series of their books feature a set of fictional cartoon characters who represent other women "in the neighborhood," as each book has a very down-home, hang-out-with-neighbors-on-the-porch kind of style.

The books have little illustrations of the characters doing everyday things, almost like a comic book. And I was personally shocked to see some of the pictures showing the women lazily reading books entitled "Lust in the Afternoon," while watching their kids at the pool on a summer day.

These characters are represented as having husbands and children, and the books often talk about things like church attendance, potlucks, and sometimes include Bible verses.

As I said earlier in the post, I'm sure more and more women have become addicted to visual and more "mainstream" porn in our modern indecency-saturated culture, but why don't we see men asking for help when their wives are addicted to porn?

* If a wife's addiction is in the form of books, is it simply overlooked? If he caught her actually viewing materials, would it then seem like more of a "real" addiction?

* Are husbands too embarrassed to ask for help? Or for the ones who battle their own porn addictions, it the thought of also trying to help their wife too overwhelming?

* Husbands, have you or would you have a talk with your wife if she was reading a steady stream of questionable books? Have you ever sought help or gone to the church for these kinds of issues?

I am genuinely interested in what people have to say about this, because I'm sure porn addiction is affecting women (and their husbands) more than what is talked about. I'm looking forward to learning from what you all have to say.

P.S. @Subhumanoidal -- thank you for your insightful answer in the other thread. I decided to just expand the topic to a dedicated thread in the hopes of even further constructive conversations.

Maybe it's the wives who are in the porn that the husbands are looking at??

It could be.

But it hasn't been the case in the dozens and dozens of wives who have posted in the forum over the years because their husbands are looking at all kinds of other women besides, or instead of, them.

It's an interesting thought though.

Are Christian husbands not asking for help if their wives are addicted to porn because they're watching porn that stars only their own wife? (So then this must mean the couple is making and viewing their own homemade materials?)

I suppose it could happen.

But I would guess it would be a vast minority.

And then that also brings up the question, is it still porn if it features only your spouse and no one else?

I was being a bit facetious.. sorry. I doubt that many men are watching porn of their own wives... I meant other guys wives. NM, lol.

Anyway...

While I'll readily agree that it's a serious issue... I'm not sure that we'll ever understand the complexities of human sexuality and the accompanying sins that go with it. Nor the issue of why men tend to not confide in others about their "shortcomings", as readily as women do.

I think that sexual sins have a lot to do with people (male & female) seeking pleasure outside of God's ordained plan. IDK?

Men are wired in a way that makes them more visual creatures in some ways, attracted to certain physical features. Women are too, but in ways that many are either in denial about or ignorant of. That goes back to the fact that Adam knew what sin was and Eve fell for Satan's lies due to a certain gullibility. That is why God put certain qualified men in leadership of family and church. Anyhow, I agree with you that many women are drawn to porn as I have heard. However, the porn industry focuses more on men. Women are normally attracted to other aspects that you already covered well IMHO.

Either way, the first part of overcoming any addiction/ habitual sin, is to recognize it as such and confess it to God as believers. I John 1:9, Jeremiah 3:13

When I consider a single lady as potentially more than a friend, I look to how she interacts with other men. If she shows a consistent attraction to others, she has revealed that she will continue that same pattern into marriage. It doesn't matter if she's into romance novels or pictorial porn. She, or he in the case of normal women, has developed a pattern that no man can change. A future with that person will lead to unfaithfulness when temptation and opportunity occurs after marriage. That doesn't mean that porn/novels addiction cannot be conquered. However it is a gateway drug to promiscuity. So is letting one's social interactions become promiscuous.

This is a curse upon families and our land.
Even pagan kings rebuked Abraham and his adult son Isaac for not being forthright when they entered their kingdoms. They knew that God would curse and perhaps kill them for touching the younger attractive wives.
Today, there are no regards for this and temptations are everywhere from social media, phones, workplace. Even at church, there were married men hitting on my attractive girlfriend while I taught Sunday school to the children. Unfortunately, It's everywhere and Biblical safeguards must be established throughout courtship and marriage.

Everyone falls for certain temptations from time to time because we are sinners and are sometimes acting/ thinking in the flesh. I'm not just talking about porn, even covetousness which is rarely preached about. This is why everyone should train their minds to achieve strength in the areas that lead to fidelity and virtue in marriage.

Women are definitely hooked on written porn while men just look at pictures or movies.
Them trash novels are full of pornographic depictions and tales of lust.
Then there's the "Christian" love stories...where the guy the MC is engaged to is a legalistic jerk but the guy she falls in love with breaks the communities rules to show loving kindness to widows and orphans. Add in whatever sub plots you want and that's the gist of EVERY romance novel in the Christian bookstore.

My mother was an avid reader. She has given away and thrown away more libraries than you can imagine. We literally had to make a trip to goodwill to get the boxes of read books out of her bedroom so a person could walk through.
Trash novels and porn are all about fantasy.
And having an attraction to guys that hold a heavy porn habit is telling you something....and where I can tell you what that says and means...it's better if you figure it out yourself. In essence your attraction is misplaced...asking "why" is a good place to start. Fixing it is another story altogether.

those are some good questions.

As much as I’ve talked about my porn problems in the past in here and in church small group mens study there is always the discomfort factor when the topic initially comes up that makes my heart skip for a second , breathing elevates and makes my mind go blank searching for words I don’t have. Every time. I don’t think guys know how to be vulnerable on their issues in community well or with their wives. When I think about the tough conversation I had to have voluntarily about my porn problem with my wife a couple years ago. I brought it into the light willingly because I was too smart for my own good, and wasn’t getting caught. I was scared to death to let the cat out of the bag and confess my struggle with it. There has always been this disqualification thought in my mind that because I struggle ,it is a disqualification for me to address any of her problems . I know now that is a lie from the enemy but that’s how Satan works in this stuff I’ve learned . Satan I believe loves to keep the husband in a disqualified state which keeps the man silent and passive even when he observes a behavior from his wife that needs confrontation. For me Satan would use The worldly thought of “who am I to ask her about her sin issues ? I have no room to talk about her problems” this has kept me silent on several topics in the past that should have been confronted. She doesn’t read those novels thankfully, just a murder mystery novel and movie obsession.
I think most men, though they won’t admit it ,are scared to death to confront their wives and wife sin issues. I know I have been, a hard one was her anger issue. It took my wife and I going through several marriage and relating courses to finally be able to feel free to air grievances and confront sin issues in our marriage. We haven’t arrived yet but it’s getting better every time we have to have tough conversations. I actively have to fight passivity when everything in me wants to run away. Both my wife and I had a relating style of both running away from confrontation and becoming passive aggressives. it’s kinda odd because everything we’ve read usually one spouse will move towards conflict in aggression and the other runs away. We both run away so nothing for 10 years of marriage ever got confronted. Rarely any big conflicts but we would get highly passive aggressive towards each other for days. So I feel probably most men don’t know how to confront their wives in a godly manner which hinders us. There’s also mens passivity and comfort idolatry to get past as well. My observation, from my life and those around me in or outside church.

I was blessed with a good sermon preached by a deacon, like a Steven, who just happened to hit the topic of the most famous porn pimp in recent history. Many people know of him who aren't into that because he was a champion kick boxer and more recently a podcast celebrity that promotes the love of money and fake machismo. I wasn't looking for anything on this topic, but I think the Lord simply led me to this as it was on my mind after reading your post. If you were raised in a liberal church, it might be a little tough to listen to. However, this is the kind of preaching that keeps marriages and families together. It's about
Andrew Tate who sells women's bodies and is proud of how he scams people. It's just one example of what reprobates are like, how they take joy in destroying lives for their love of money. The sermon is pretty good for a guy who only preaches occasionally. It's better than 98% of what is coming from denominational headquarters to be dispensed to many churches every Sunday IMHO.

Blessings,

Preaching Against Andrew Tate

I have not heard much about husbands complaining about wives viewing porn either. I have heard that men get offended/insulted if women use certain sex toys, which leads me to think men are similarly offended/insulted if their wives view another man's genitalia. Since men are more sensitive about their genitalia than women, they might not want to talk about it or share that their wives have a porn addiction because it speaks to their manhood (or so they think). While it is also offending if a husband watches porn, this issue is so widespread that women (not all) feel more comfortable discussing this issue. Also, a woman would not take the issue of a husband watching porn as personally compared to the other way around.

Personally I don't find romance books and porn books in the same category as visual porn (internet, X-rated magazines and movies, etc.) where there is an actual real person(s) involved. Romance books are just the adult versions of books girls read growing up like Cinderella, Rapunzel, etc. where girls dream of a handsome Prince Charming, so women are attracted to these types of books. And, some of these books go into extra detail (porn books). Reading books takes time and effort, and do not provide instant gratification like internet porn. Most of the women I know do not really read on a regular basis (either due to time or energy, etc.). So, I do not view romance/porn books to be the equivalent counterpart to visual porn.

Keen observation, and I agree with you. I would imagine this would be a very sensitive issue for most men. We are always told that God made men visual, so men fighting porn addictions are also seen as fighting part of their natural programming. Sometimes it's even brushed off as, "Boys will be boys," with men seen as having a natural desire to view such things, even when they're viewing women who aren't their own wife.

I'm guessing that for most men, it would be an affront to their very manhood and quite a knock to their pride to try to admit to anyone, even himself, that his wife is turning to other sources of satisfaction in addition to, or instead of, him.


I understand what you're saying but I have a different view, and I do think that the reason "romance" novels are brushed aside is because they aren't seen as being in the same category as hardcore porn.

It brings up the topic of how subjective is the definition of pornography? After all, varying people, religions, and cultures have been trying to define it in different ways since the beginning of time.

The reason I see written porn as being on the same level as visual porn is because each one is tailored to and designed to attract the senses of their own unique audiences. Men are usually attracted to beauty. There might be other elements behind it -- I heard one preacher say that men who have affairs often do so with a secretary or inferior because she is a vague imitation of God's design for a wife to be a helper. Women, even with real life sex, genuinely need something to "get them started down the runway." They need some kind of affection or setup, like a romantic dinner, setting, or "meet cute," and this is what written porn caters to.

I remember when the first "50 Shades of Grey" movie came out. I asked a co-worker what all the fuss was about, because I knew nothing of it. She said she had read all the books and the appeal was that a handsome billionaire with a traumatic background first sees a plain, ordinary, mousy girl as a conquest for him to win over, but eventually falls in love with her, romances her, and becomes a normal, adoring husband and father. Which seems to be the usual plot and warm-up that these books are selling to women.

This is why I see written porn as being on the same level as visual porn. It has the same goal -- heightening sexual interest as far as it can go -- but is doing so in a way that caters to more of what women want. Women often don't want a quick hit -- they want a slow burn, and that's what these books provide. And it's very easy to skip through the story and just get to the questionable parts.

I had a high school boyfriend who once embarrassed his mother by plucking one of her books off the shelf, opening it randomly and finding the adult parts with no problem, then started reading it out loud. She was mortified and immediately told him to stop.

But how "bad" these books are all depends on how people define what is and isn't porn, and what the severity of each category is.

For me, I define porn something like this:

* Is it specifically designed to, at some point, purposely incite or increase sexual wants/desires?

* Are the most graphic parts something you could show/read out loud in front of your pastor, children, parents, or anyone you wanted to respect you?

* Is it something you could leave out in public and not worry about what someone might think if the knew you were reading/viewing it, and would you be comfortable with them reviewing it for themselves to see what you are looking at?

Now I realize there could be some overlap here. I was in a medical clinic's office this past week picking up brochures about preventing various kinds of female cancers and I realize the diagrams in those booklets might be considered embarrassing for anyone else to see.

But the last reason why I see written porn as being on the same level as visual porn is because it also creates the same fantasies and feelings of lust and covetousness over things we don't have, but start to want.

Visual porn causes men to lust and covet beauty, youth, submission, or a myriad of other themes, causing them to wish they could run off with a more beautiful, sexually accommodating woman. Written porn causes women to lust and covet rich, handsome, often seemingly unobtainable men, but in their fantasy, they are one who can break through to him -- often using lust as the bait.

The results are the same -- dissatisfaction and a breakdown of a person's own status in their real life, whether single or married, and a determination to find the impossible that often ends in disastrous disappointment.

This does seem to make it obvious though why men wouldn't talk about their wives having addictions to such things if the majority opinion is that written porn is "not that bad."

And as for not having much time or interest in reading, this might be very true in today's busy culture. But it's not hard to find shortcuts, like articles on the internet, etc. I picked up some women's magazine at the doctor's office while waiting and flipped through the pages... Suddenly there was a supposedly true story from a reader about a "hot get-together" with her wealthy, married boss... Obviously, I had to pass that right over and pick up something else.

These are just my own perspectives and I can't speak for everyone, but this is why I most definitely consider writing to be on the same level as visual porn.

Put another way...

If a company was marketing porn to two different men and one was fully sighted and the other was blind, it seems obvious that the company would produce sighted materials for the seeing man and alternative materials for the man who was visually impaired, such as an explicit scene that was recorded from a written script.

If both men decided to view/listen to the materials designed for their own specific needs, and both wound up in places of extreme lust, which of the two types of material was the "worst" one?

I know that's not a perfect analogy but that's very much how I see it. Women can indeed become addicted to visual material, but the publishing industry has long known how to accommodate a slightly different need that seems to have hooked many women.

I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate this honest and heartfelt response.

I've only been able to read it once but when I get more time, I'll be going over all the responses here two or more times and will be praying over each of them.

Thank you for courageously sharing and may God bless you and your wife richly.

May I politely ask where God himself said that he made men visual and that this is part of their natural programming?

Exactly.

I've personally never fully bought into this line of thought, but have heard it reinforced everywhere throughout my Christian life, including on Christian dating sites and in these forums.

I mentioned it as something I'm continuously told, but don't completely subscribe to.

That is stupid to say men are 'visual' when women have EYES too!
Are women just 'aural' then.

I will post a bit more on topic when got time. As librarian, we see it all...and the customers/readers who borrow erotica/porn.

The only reason I brought up the point of men supposedly being visual to begin with is that this is what I've been told time and time again, sometimes with supposedly "scientific" and "biological" studies as "proof." This is then used as a way to explain away or justify why men are so drawn to porn and young, beautiful women. "It's the way God made us!"

Hmm.

I've often told the story of being on Christian Mingle years ago and finding a profile of a guy in his 30's. He emphasized in his "introductions" that ONLY "former models, cheerleaders, or gymnasts" should bother writing him because all other women would be "wasting his time."

Why was that? Because he insisted that God made men visual and therefore, it was his God-given right (and the way God had made him) to have only a super hot wife.

The thing I always think about is, what happens when she's had your 4 kids and 30 years have gone past and she's far from looking like a model, cheerleader, or gymnast. Just the other day I watched a video from a woman who was advising the ladies about how to dress their "new" bodies (after having kids, going through menopause, etc.) now hat they had apple shapes rather than hourglass.

However, to this young man's credit (which I also always include when telling this story,) I have to give him props if the picture he posted was actually of himself. At least it was theoretically honest. So here he was, demanding the highest societal tiers of female beauty -- when he himself was at least 50 pounds overweight and had two very visible and very distinct chins.

It wasn't being him being overweight that had me shaking my head, it was the fact that he was insisting he deserved someone of a standard he clearly didn't meet.

This is the kind of thing that drives me crazy and out of the dating pool -- so many people (both men and women) demanding a unicorn -- when they themselves are, at best, a mule.

"God made men visual," as it's said over and over.

And my reply is always the same: "So does that mean He made women blind?"

haha

well, I was looking in a magazine (Its called Good, and its not a porno) the other day and former supermodel Rachel Hunter is now single and she says shes not really looking for anyone but theres lots of photos of her on the cover and inside plus her contact details for her yoga retreats etc....but she says its would be nice if she found someone to do yoga or kama sutra with.

I just made up the part about kama sutra, but yoga is pretty much the same thing. If you like bendy people.

The magazine was in the hospital btw. I dont buy magazines generally. I guess its for the men waiting? To desposit their sperm or something. I dont know.

Ok the customers who borrowed the racy erotic fiction at the library were often short, plump women.

They would borrow stacks of them and have that secret smile on their face as they borowed them while the mills and boons readers were similar except they might also be witches into crystals an divination. They would also borrow love spell books.

the women who watch 'sex and the city' arent really watching for the sex its more the clothes so they can figure out what they want to wear since Carrie Bradshaw made it a thing to wear a different outfit in every screen shot.

Sometimes she wore a belt without anything to hold it up and another time she wore washing up gloves with a diamond bracelet. She walked around town in a tutu and high heels. I am sure shes inspiration for women with a disposable income to spend on clothes but in real life the actress just gets clothes given to her as part of her job. Off the set she just wears jeans and t shirts like everyone else.

@MsMediator -- as I'm making my way through reading people's answers a second time, I think I missed something crucial about your point of visual porn involving real people.

Upon first reading, I was only thinking about the effects each has on the consumer, and from that perspective, I do still think that written porn is as bad as visual porn because it results in the same levels of sin (lust, covetousness, etc.)

But I've been thinking about how visual porn involves live human beings who are often coerced, underage, trafficked, and/or criminally forced into making such materials. Sure, there are people who do so willingly, but this kind of genre also fuels a lot of underground abuse and criminal action.

From that standpoint, I can definitely understand how visual porn involving others could seen as worse because its production casts a much wider net of victims, rather than characters written on a page.