how do we treat someone who hurt us but have no remorse each time

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Ellie12

Ellie12

Member
#1
May 5, 2023
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#1
I know this person who when confronted for their mistakes never takes responsibility or confesses or has any remorse, even when they steal or have done something behind my back and are caught, they never own their mistake, instead, lie to my face or shift the blame to somebody else or change the subject, or act like that they are the victim, this is always. How do we act in this situation?I tried to talk to them but is impossible.And I also tried to forgive them, but seems that person takes advantage of me when I am good to them. How do you deal with that?
 
Lafftur

Lafftur

Senior Member
#2
Apr 18, 2017
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#2
Ellie12 said:
I know this person who when confronted for their mistakes never takes responsibility or confesses or has any remorse, even when they steal or have done something behind my back and are caught, they never own their mistake, instead, lie to my face or shift the blame to somebody else or change the subject, or act like that they are the victim, this is always. How do we act in this situation?I tried to talk to them but is impossible.And I also tried to forgive them, but seems that person takes advantage of me when I am good to them. How do you deal with that?
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Sounds like you might be dealing with a "narcissist"...... Best advice for you..... "RUN!" Do NOT speak with them, simply excuse yourself and leave.

A narcissist is wicked... the wicked will perish but the sinner will be saved. Jesus did not open His mouth when He was brought before King Herod (wicked to the core). Yet, Jesus did open His mouth and speak to Pontius Pilate (sinner).

Be wise, know the difference between the wicked and the sinner.

Google "narcissist" and find out who you are dealing with.
 
Dino246

Dino246

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#3
Jun 30, 2015
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Welcome to CC, Ellie…
I recommend that you read the book, Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is biblically sound and is helpful for understanding the nature of and need for relational boundaries.
 
Lafftur

Lafftur

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#4
Apr 18, 2017
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#4
Dino246 said:
Welcome to CC, Ellie…
I recommend that you read the book, Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is biblically sound and is helpful for understanding the nature of and need for relational boundaries.
Click to expand...
Great advice, Dino! :love:(y)
 
oyster67

oyster67

Senior Member
#5
May 24, 2014
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#5
how do we treat someone who hurt us but have no remorse each time


Do our best to let go. Don't hold the bitterness inside. It is poison. Jesus loves you. No one can take that away.

He will make things right soon.

Ellie12 said:
I know this person who when confronted for their mistakes never takes responsibility or confesses or has any remorse, even when they steal or have done something behind my back and are caught, they never own their mistake, instead, lie to my face or shift the blame to somebody else or change the subject, or act like that they are the victim, this is always. How do we act in this situation?I tried to talk to them but is impossible.And I also tried to forgive them, but seems that person takes advantage of me when I am good to them. How do you deal with that?
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You have just described 99% of the people alive on this planet at this time
Ellie12 said:
that person takes advantage of me when I am good to them. How do you deal with that?
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Remember Jesus. He knows all about that. He is our only refuge in the time of storm. I will pray He strengthen you daily for the tasks at hand. It won't be much longer.

We love you too. We are in this together.
. It's a dark world and a dark time.
 
Deuteronomy

Deuteronomy

Well-known member
#6
Jun 11, 2018
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#6
Ellie12 said:
I know this person who when confronted for their mistakes never takes responsibility or confesses or has any remorse, even when they steal or have done something behind my back and are caught, they never own their mistake, instead, lie to my face or shift the blame to somebody else or change the subject, or act like that they are the victim, this is always. How do we act in this situation? I tried to talk to them but is impossible. And I also tried to forgive them, but seems that person takes advantage of me when I am good to them. How do you deal with that?
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Hello Ellie12, confrontation is step #1 towards Biblical forgiveness and (then hopefully) reconciliation can happen too .. e.g. Luke 17:3-4, so you are doing the right thing (y)(y) Biblical "forgiveness" is something that we Christians extend towards others only after they have repented (we do this for ~their~ sake, withhold forgiveness of their sins against us, that is, until they repent).

This is NOT the forgiveness model that the world follows/teaches us today (and that much of the church has, sadly, decided to follow in too). This is because that "kind" of forgiveness (the world's model) is concerned with self alone/with "feeling better" about ourselves and then moving on, NEVER with the well-being of the other person (who admittedly, is the offending party), but that's right where our concern needs to lie because that's right where God always wants it to be. Remember that as Christians, He alone is our portion and our hope, yes .. e.g. Lamentations 3:24 :)

Question, is this person a believer? If so, there is a process that is laid out for us in the Bible that we are to follow whenever possible .. e.g. Matthew 18:15-17 (when your prayers for them and your admonishments to them about their bad/sinful behavior does not result in their repentance). Talk to your pastor about all of this (as I believe that you are actually at that point in the Biblical process now, of taking this problem to your pastors/elders for their help and involvment).

If the person will not budge even then (and/or if this person is not a believer), then all you can do is feel sorry for them and continue to pray for them (for their salvation, specifically, if they are unsaved), because once you have confronted them about their sin and told them how what they did to you has hurt you/has made you feel and caused you harm, the ball is right back in their court again (which means that the next step is for them to repent).

*(I assume that you would call the police if what they are stealing from you is highly valuable, or even highly valuable to you, yes?)

Sadly, @Lanolin may be correct about your need to eventually separate yourself from them, especially if they are a believer and they refuse to repent, that is, but your concern for them and your prayers for their future wellbeing should not end (and if they are yet unsaved, you should continue to pray for them about that, and about the Lord giving you and others ongoing opportunities to witness to them about their need for the Savior).

Praying for you (and for this person too).

Blessings to you in Christ!!

~Deuteronomy
p.s. - if you have feelings of anger and hatred that are welling up inside you because of this person's sin against you, while that is certainly an understandable reaction to be harmed by them, you may need to ask the Lord for forgiveness (if you feel that you have allowed those feelings to become sinful by dwelling on them in your mind, that is). The world tells us to forgive others silently and w/o confrontation ("in our hearts") and then move on without any concern for the sinner's wellbeing (so that we can both feel better about ourselves and know that we are the better person, etc.), but that is never what God has in mind.

Luke 17​
3 “If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.​
4 And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”​
​
 
Deuteronomy

Deuteronomy

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Whoops, I meant to quote @Lafftur instead of @Lanolin. I'm very sorry about that Lafftur :( (I appreciated the points that you made, especially about Narcissists, as there is sadly, little to no reasoning with someone who has that personality defect).
 
Lafftur

Lafftur

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#8
Apr 18, 2017
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#8
Deuteronomy said:
Whoops, I meant to quote @Lafftur instead of @Lanolin. I'm very sorry about that Lafftur :( (I appreciated the points that you made, especially about Narcissists, as there is sadly, little to no reasoning with someone who has that personality defect).
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No worries at all Deut! You're a blessing always! :love:

Perhaps, Lanolin will join the conversation now... since we mentioned her! LOL! :love:(y)
 
TabinRivCA

TabinRivCA

Well-known member
#9
Oct 23, 2018
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#9
Ellie12 said:
I know this person who when confronted for their mistakes never takes responsibility or confesses or has any remorse, even when they steal or have done something behind my back and are caught, they never own their mistake, instead, lie to my face or shift the blame to somebody else or change the subject, or act like that they are the victim, this is always. How do we act in this situation?I tried to talk to them but is impossible.And I also tried to forgive them, but seems that person takes advantage of me when I am good to them. How do you deal with that?
Click to expand...
This is so familiar, my 'brother' who has claimed to be a Christian throughout the years, wound up ousting me and my sister from our inheritance. My dad being such a sweet soul, was a prosperous yet gentle/kind person. He had our childhood home in L.A. county for yrs and was paid off. Right before the recession it was worth a mil+++. The last 10 yrs of his life my brother moved in to 'take care' of him, and all the while was scheming to take control of everything. Long story short, he cajoled my dad into signing over the home to him. There was nothing we could do, although he and my sis were very close and she went along with anything he did. My dad had told me before this, he had wanted him to disown me and I could see the utter shock in his eyes.
Anyway, for a few yrs I tried to make my brother understand exactly the dishonor he did to my very fair parents even quoting Scripture. Jesus was confronted by a man who asked him about a brother cheating him out of his inheritance and Jesus gave the parable of the rich man who had a surplus of supplies and said 'little did he know tomorrow he would die' Lk 12:13-.
Now, after 15 yrs and all the resentment and dislike I've carried, I have through yrs of friendly advise decided to 1)pray for him I know my parents would want this 2)absolutely forgive him 3)be polite when exchanging family and holiday matters 4)not being palsy walsy or taking him up on holiday dinners. We can't put ourselves in jeopardy of unforgiveness and it actually is hard on us not on them. They are blinded by haughtiness, greed, contempt and our part, as I have come to realize, is to pray.
 
The_Watchers_2017

The_Watchers_2017

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Jun 20, 2022
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A select few ever get labelled as having no Empathy, Narcissist and Psychopaths, are the top Two who always get tagged. Unfortunately, many Asperger and Autistic also get labelled this as well. I read where, Psychotherapists, believe it's because the Left and Right sides of the Brain are disconnected, or shorted out like bad wiring. Therefore, if One Side of the Brain is the Idea section but the Other Side is my Moral Compass, but if they cannot communicate, they cannot judge based upon Right and Wrong. So, it's never going to improve. The best Those, who suffer with these disabilities can become, are imitators of human being behavior reactions. You know, someone tells a joke and people laugh, They can see people laughing, even though, They don't know why. But what They do know, is to practice laughing, any time a joke is said, so others think they're normal.

Personally speaking here, even if it were my Parents, who had no Empathy, I would never trust them on anything, especially, the safety of my well being by their protection.
 
HealthAndHappiness

HealthAndHappiness

Well-known member
#11
Jul 7, 2022
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Almost Heaven West Virginia
#11
Ellie12 said:
I know this person who when confronted for their mistakes never takes responsibility or confesses or has any remorse, even when they steal or have done something behind my back and are caught, they never own their mistake, instead, lie to my face or shift the blame to somebody else or change the subject, or act like that they are the victim, this is always. How do we act in this situation?I tried to talk to them but is impossible.And I also tried to forgive them, but seems that person takes advantage of me when I am good to them. How do you deal with that?
Click to expand...
I had to forgive them.
That's happened all my life since I was 5 years old in some way or another. Life is full of injustices. Most all of those do not have the person come forward and ask forgiveness.
That doesn't mean that they are justified or things should just slide in all cases. There are cases where in a just society the death penalty is the penalty on certain high crimes. Unfortunately, The legal system usa let's more guilty go free than they punish. Then the punishment is almost always not according to the right laws of God's Word.

Life can become overwhelming.
The thing that should occur at the time of forgiveness is committing the person and situation to the Lord. He expects us to do a few things to, but it's too late to get into Bible study now.

If we were walking with the Lord and we're unjustly harmed, the Lord can enter the situation on our behalf. I have a book full of detailed examples. God can move the largest companies away, He can destroy the largest law firm, he can comfort those who had their closest family killed. God is able.
 
JaumeJ

JaumeJ

Senior Member
#12
Jul 2, 2011
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#12
Ellie12 said:
I know this person who when confronted for their mistakes never takes responsibility or confesses or has any remorse, even when they steal or have done something behind my back and are caught, they never own their mistake, instead, lie to my face or shift the blame to somebody else or change the subject, or act like that they are the victim, this is always. How do we act in this situation?I tried to talk to them but is impossible.And I also tried to forgive them, but seems that person takes advantage of me when I am good to them. How do you deal with that?
Click to expand...
We are to always forgive, but when the forgiven is purposely unrepentant you should do all you are able to have nothing to do with him, or her. Keep praying for the person.
 
Pilgrimshope

Pilgrimshope

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#13
Sep 2, 2020
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#13
Ellie12 said:
I know this person who when confronted for their mistakes never takes responsibility or confesses or has any remorse, even when they steal or have done something behind my back and are caught, they never own their mistake, instead, lie to my face or shift the blame to somebody else or change the subject, or act like that they are the victim, this is always. How do we act in this situation?I tried to talk to them but is impossible.And I also tried to forgive them, but seems that person takes advantage of me when I am good to them. How do you deal with that?
Click to expand...

Jesus tells us to forgive as many times as the person repents If someone has no remorse it means they have no repentance you can forgive but not allow them in again


And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.
Luke 17:4 KJ

Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.
Luke 17:3 KJ

This doesn't okay us o gold a grudge but it teaches us if someone keeps slapping you and laughing you can move on our of the way forgive fro the heart but not allow them to abuse you it's easy to forgive why en someone truly repents but impossible if they don't
 
E

EricH

New member
#14
Apr 28, 2023
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I believe to forgive is more for our own benefit, it helps us to be the knind and caring person we want to be.

I believe I was unfairly sacked in 2011 from a job I had been doing for ten years. I never had a day of sick, I did a lot of jobs other people seemed afraid to do, caring for people with challenging behaviour. When I was sacked, I asked if I could come back as a volunteer, they said no. Since being sacked; I have done about two thousand hours of voluntary work for the people who sacked me. On occasions, I come into contact with the people responsible for my sacking, I pray that God will bless them and give them peace.

It has been easier for me to do two thousand hours of voluntary work, rather than to hold onto any anger; resentment and hate I could have for them. I know this to be true; because in the past I have lived with real anger; I know how it has made me feel; it eats away at the soul and makes you feel miserable. I am determined that I will not be controlled by anger; I just don’t have the time or energy for those emotions any more.

People say I am mad, I should have sued for compensation, and I agree with them. But I cannot explain the profound sense of peace that I feel, it is beyond money.
 
Ellie12

Ellie12

Member
#15
May 5, 2023
36
13
8
#15
Dino246 said:
Welcome to CC, Ellie…
I recommend that you read the book, Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is biblically sound and is helpful for understanding the nature of and need for relational boundaries.
Click to expand...
TabinRivCA said:
This is so familiar, my 'brother' who has claimed to be a Christian throughout the years, wound up ousting me and my sister from our inheritance. My dad being such a sweet soul, was a prosperous yet gentle/kind person. He had our childhood home in L.A. county for yrs and was paid off. Right before the recession it was worth a mil+++. The last 10 yrs of his life my brother moved in to 'take care' of him, and all the while was scheming to take control of everything. Long story short, he cajoled my dad into signing over the home to him. There was nothing we could do, although he and my sis were very close and she went along with anything he did. My dad had told me before this, he had wanted him to disown me and I could see the utter shock in his eyes.
Anyway, for a few yrs I tried to make my brother understand exactly the dishonor he did to my very fair parents even quoting Scripture. Jesus was confronted by a man who asked him about a brother cheating him out of his inheritance and Jesus gave the parable of the rich man who had a surplus of supplies and said 'little did he know tomorrow he would die' Lk 12:13-.
Now, after 15 yrs and all the resentment and dislike I've carried, I have through yrs of friendly advise decided to 1)pray for him I know my parents would want this 2)absolutely forgive him 3)be polite when exchanging family and holiday matters 4)not being palsy walsy or taking him up on holiday dinners. We can't put ourselves in jeopardy of unforgiveness and it actually is hard on us not on them. They are blinded by haughtiness, greed, contempt and our part, as I have come to realize, is to pray.
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing your experience,May God bless you!It is hard to be unforgiving,i will try to forgive ,but I can not keep this person in my house anymore,I do not trust them!
 
TabinRivCA

TabinRivCA

Well-known member
#16
Oct 23, 2018
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#16
Ellie12 said:
Thank you for sharing your experience,May God bless you!It is hard to be unforgiving,i will try to forgive ,but I can not keep this person in my house anymore,I do not trust them!
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Right, I have to forgive my brother, but don't have to 'mingle' with him. I will continue to pray for him with faith he will see the light soon.
 
CS1

CS1

Well-known member
#17
May 23, 2012
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#17
Ellie12 said:
I know this person who when confronted for their mistakes never takes responsibility or confesses or has any remorse, even when they steal or have done something behind my back and are caught, they never own their mistake, instead, lie to my face or shift the blame to somebody else or change the subject, or act like that they are the victim, this is always. How do we act in this situation?I tried to talk to them but is impossible.And I also tried to forgive them, but seems that person takes advantage of me when I was good to them. How do you deal with that?
Click to expand...
You are to forgive them but move on. The word of God doesn't say forgiveness means you have to stay and allow them to do it again. Long suffering doesn't mean long abuse.
 
K

Karlon

Well-known member
#18
Mar 8, 2023
2,709
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#18
Ellie12 said:
I know this person who when confronted for their mistakes never takes responsibility or confesses or has any remorse, even when they steal or have done something behind my back and are caught, they never own their mistake, instead, lie to my face or shift the blame to somebody else or change the subject, or act like that they are the victim, this is always. How do we act in this situation?I tried to talk to them but is impossible.And I also tried to forgive them, but seems that person takes advantage of me when I am good to them. How do you deal with that?
Click to expand...
this person continually does this to you because he or she knows he or she will still get away with it. in essence, you are allowing it! where's the immediate correction action? it's not there. said person may have conditioned himself that way since childhood & the devil capitalizes & nourishes every person's weakness ensuring you to keep on with it. just simply end the relationship if possible. sounds like a "temper tantrum spoiled child " act. personally, i don't have a lot of friends & 1 reason is people say i'm to tough on them. they don't like my immediate corrective ways. i say, "too bad". 1 issue for the fall of man in recent decades is too much softness: "oh, well you got to get to know him", "gee, give her another chance", "well, he kinda tried", or "i've tried to quit smoking for 30 years now". really, 30 years you tried? did you try to eat for 30 years, did you try to breathe for 30 years?!!!! you get my point about people. truth is nearly know one really knows how to try your best. athletes certainly do! i don't have any friends like that neither have i ever had any like the person you described. i detect that immediately & i'm gone. i will pray for you. blessings to you.
 
Blik

Blik

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#19
Dec 6, 2016
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#19
CS1 said:
You are to forgive them but move on. The word of God doesn't say forgiveness means you have to stay and allow them to do it again. Long suffering doesn't mean long abuse.
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I agree. We do not belong to our own ways, we belong to God. We must look to God for how we step in this life, not to the world.

The Bible contains several verses that talk about where we belong. Psalm 100:3 says that we belong to the Lord, who made us and we are his people. John 10:27-28 says that Jesus' sheep listen to his voice and follow him, and he gives them eternal life.

We live in a world filled with people who follow the world, not God, but we do not follow their ways, we follow Christ, for we are Christ's children.
 
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