Trying to save my marriage

Hi guys!
On Friday evening, I asked my husband what he was thinking about. I thought he would say something about his dad who is sitting in a bed in hospice care. Instead he told me that he wasn't sure he loved me anymore, and wasn't sure he wanted to stay married. I thought that between my sisters and I, I was the one who had a solid marriage. I guess not.

Have you ever known you hit rock bottom? KNow you need to talk to somebody, but at the same time try to respect your husband who said that therapists were a waste of money. I hit that place a while ago. Pretty sure I have been depressed for years, but never had an official diagnosis. Knew I wanted to talk to somebody, but do not feel like my thoughts would be listened to, or heard, or understood. I was afraid if I did talk to somebody, I would upset my husband because of what he said earlier. I didn't want to badmouth my husband to somebody I knew and put a bad taste in their mouths for him.

Saturday morning, after very little sleep, I did convince him to go eat breakfast with me. I think we had some good conversation, but still not heading in the direction I want. I have told him that I am not done with our marriage, and I still want to fight for it. He is not sure I can change.

Some complaints about me that I have heard in the past few days.

• I'm mad at everybody.
• I act like a child, throwing fits, or angry all the time.
• I just want to save my marriage because he has been mine for 20 years, and I don't want to give up a good thing.
• He is not my 5th child (we have 3 boys and a girl together), I am his 5th child.
• He is not stupid.
• He does not need a hearing aid.
• I hate his family.

I am sure there are others, but I cannot remember all of them right now. Honestly I am trying to keep a smile on my face because his dad is dying and our kids don't know. Our kids are asking questions about a vacation we have planned next month with his brother and wife. I have asked him if there is somebody else, and he says he is talking to friends online, but not in a physical relationship with anybody.

I brought up that when we first starting talking about getting engaged I told him at the beginning that divorce was not on the table. I went through that as a child and cannot do that to my kids. 21 years ago, he agreed with me. Friday night, he didn't think that was a worthy statement anymore.

When I mentioned at breakfast the other day that I felt I had needed mental help for a while and what he said about therapists and psychologists, he claimed he said he would talk to somebody about getting me help. I don't remember that. I do remember the comment about them being a waste of money. Told me he would check into somebody at work with his chaplain services.

I know he is struggling too. Not just with his dad, but with things I have said, that I never knew were hurtful to him. I cannot say that I ever considered my husband to be a 5th child. Cannot say that I ever really said it. But I did not defend him. I have mentioned a hearing aid before. Don't understand how he can hear a clock ticking in the next room, but cannot hear me when I am sitting next to him.

Have I had a lot of issues with being mad at people, at work, at church, and from time to time with my kids. Yes. I try to keep it in. I try to keep calm. There are days that I just cannot. I have read that sudden outbursts can be a symptom of depression. Some days I come home and have to beg my kids to give me some time alone so I can chill, and I know it takes me longer than it should sometimes.

I have never thought he is stupid. He is brilliant and can come up with comebacks and pull of some amazing things. He plays word games all the time and has an amazing vocabulary. I have struggled with somethings though. He can be forgetful, as can I. He wants to be reminded, but can get upset if I remind him because He knows.

I do not hate his family. I have been frustrated with them from time to time. I don't understand some of their ways, but I love his family. They have been more of a family to me that my own has been in some situations.

Honestly, I don't even know where I am going with this. I want to talk to somebody. He has not told me about any services that the chaplain services at his work can offer, (to be fair, with Memorial Day, he has only had a day and a half to check) and I can't afford a real therapist. I also don't want to upset him by paying for one. I have tried searching for free ones, but there never gets me anywhere.

I did pick up "The Love Dare" and start that since he told me this on Friday. Today is day 5. I am not expecting a miracle overnight. I know it will take some time. But I am struggling with sitting here in silence, and I am not a very good waiter.

I am praying for my husband, praying for my marriage, praying for his dad and his mom. I am holding on to a thought that my pastor's wife posted on social media the other day that said "ONE DAY YOU'LL TELL YOUR STORY OF HOW YOU'VE OVERCOME WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH OW, AND IT WILL BECOME PART OF SOMEONE ELSE'S SURVIVAL GUIDE". I know she didn't post it for me, because she is going through her own issues, but I feel God showed it to me because I needed to read it. I am also holding on to the lyrics of "While I'm Waiting" and my favorite Bible Verse which God brought to me when I miscarried a twin - Isaiah 40:31 - "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."

I think all I need right now is somebody to come along beside me. Somebody to let me cry on their shoulder and pray with me. I may need other things right now also, but I wouldn't know what they are.

Sorry to hear of your troubling situation. I've gone through a similar situation so I would like to offer you some hope and encouragement.
You seem to have a really good understanding of the situation. And you also seem to understand the way forward.
I like the verse you chose to share. It's one of my favorites. But you are way past walking and running and you need truly a supernatural touch from God for this. Not to worry...it's as easy for God to help you walk as it is for Him to help you fly. I only mention it because you are getting ready to meet God in new and incredible ways you have not heretofore known. Isaiah 26:3 will be a good verse to keep handy.

Having said that, you need to find a trustworthy woman who can help you go through this time. Someone you can meet with regularly and reach out to often. You also need to delve into scripture as God will be speaking to you through them. And you need to pray unabashedly, pouring your heart out to God. Whatever other reasons God may have for allowing this experience in your life, the primary one is that you will know Him more immediately and more intimately, and come to a fuller dependence upon Him.
The place in your heart that aches, only God can heal. And no matter how bad it may get, don't forget...God is always close to the brokenhearted. He has not left you and will never forsake you. He will bless you in the end...Job 42:5.

Thank you for sharing your story.

May I ask approximately how old is your husband? Do you think he is going through a mid-life crisis or maybe something else? Has he told you what he thinks is missing from his life?

I think the best thing you can do is be available but give his some space. He may come out of this state after a few months and be his "normal". At same time find a trusted female friend or a good therapist, and keep being hopeful and prayerful.

Yall need pastoral care.
You need a good pastor to help you work through your problems. Biblically.
Which is why a real church is essential to life. You need a real pastor of a real church who can help yall.

He is thinking about his dad and how life is short and why should he contend with the misery for the rest of his short life.
Mid life crisis plus dad in hospice is a bad combo.

He sees you as a shrill malcontent who can lose the little bit of cool you have at a minor invonvenience. Amd it is a symptom of depression which is ussually a symptom of not fulfilling the roles God gave you because you are focused on other things, such as lifestyle or carreer. You are first a wife and second a mother of 4, and last and least if all your career.
You dont understand at all. He dont value all that clever word stuff. You call him stupid when something need done and you insist on a plumber or electrician or mechanic or what ever rather than trust him.

Maybe stop complaining about, insulting, and making fun of his family.


you dont need a therapist, you need a pastor.

Twenty years and you don't know how to handle papa. Tomorrow's Friday. Make it an evening that he won't forget. Leave your complaints behind. Plan an evening of his dreams. Meet him at the door dressed to "kill". Take him by the arm, and make everything else about him. Get the picture.

She should see a therapist if she feels uncomfortable speaking about personal issues about her husband and herself to the pastor, which may eventually spread to pastor wife and church. A pastor is not a therapist. Both pastor and therapy offer different approaches. A therapist will help a person seek the root cause of issue (for ex, link to childhood) while a pastor may not even think about this as his approach is more about working stuff this out in the present.

I read one time a long time ago that a woman needs x amount of touches a day and needs a certain amount of affirming words a day. I decided to go up and above and beyond that and made it up in my mind that every time I walk past my wife I was going to touch her in some kind of way if it was to rub my hand on her back, give her a little touch on the hand, or any number of ways to affectionately give her a little touch, and I made up a ton of sweet nicknames like cutie, or pretty face, or lovey, and even baboo, and phrases like busy bee, that give her verbal affirmation so that if i look at her i say one of them. You know that stuff works.
Matbe figure out what he needs and do that. Like a clean house, dinner on the table, and initiate sexy time.

I disagree totally
Thats why i said a real pastor. They dont share that stuff. As an elder in my church i risk excommunication if i share what is said to me in confidence

I’ve seen a lot of people come here with problems over the years and basically bash their spouse.

I always wonder what the other person would say.

But YOU have given an honest assessment with a sincere goal of saving your marriage.

I’m so terribly sorry you are going through this, but optimistic because of your love and desire to honor the Lord.

My gut tells me your husband dabbling with women online is a very bad sign. But that is NOT on you, or because of anything you did, or may not have done.

If your husband is a Christian he should speak to Christian men in the hopes they will be strong enough to show him the sin and error he is committing.

Praying for you, that the Lord gives you the peace and wisdom to navigate this difficult journey.
Be blessed.

Why would a Christian ever go for secular advice?

Can you not talk to pastor's wife (or is this not what shes there for? I thought the stereotype of the pastors wife as the church gossip was so untrue) I am sorry to hear this it sounds awful to be betrayed like this though Jesus was no stranger to betrayal. He understands.

People say women can be fickle but men can be just as two-faced, unfortunately. I dont know if going all out assault on the Valentines Love Dare thing really works, but why not give it a go. If he doesnt respond, then you can shake the dust off your feet and move on, but I would think you give him all youve got before calling it quits.

as for the online thing. Everyone can see what you do online. Its all recorded on servers and cloud anyway so its not as if thats a private thing. Men seem to think cos its online that they can never be tracked or traced but of course thats a stupid and delusional thing to think.

If you can't trust your pastor you need a new church and a new pastor

All pastors aren't qualified as counselors. Would you allow for another Christian counselor?

If he isnt trained in all things Godly and spiritual and equiped to tend all the spiritual needs of a congregant, he shouldnt be a pastor. I would find another church. This is the job of your pastor to tend the flock. Preaching on sunday is only part of the job

My pastor sees a therapist due to the burden of handling everyone's problems. Nothing wrong with that. My pastor loves the job and is very involved but it can be overwhelming.

Your pastor dont have a pastor? But rather than seek Godly instruction and advice seeks Freudian council?

The therapist is licensed and trained/has a relevant degree and is also a Christian. The pastor does have pastor mentors but it is uncomfortable to talk about certain issues because word will spread in the circle.

Sounds terrible. If i couldnt trust my pastor, id find a new one.

Do yall really trust your soul, and spiritual growth, to someone you cant trust with your worldly issues? This seems highly illogical to me.