Can you believe that I thought the labels that I put on myself held weight.
As if I was the one who created myself. I labeled myself like Adam named the animals, putting a burden on me trying to identify myself. God never told me I was this, that, or the other.. (Which I did)
I studied and looked at things, ideas, and people. I decided for myself what was glorious for me to do for God( not what he told me to do)I didn't even think to seek him. I welcomed the idea that we are in a race to the Finnish line and I wanted my, "well done my good and faithful servant." This idea had me thinking I could just go ahead of God and his purposes and design for me personally because of what I thought, I was leaning on my own understanding.
I took Scriptures and preachers and took them out of their context trying to become righteous so I can serve God and be of good used for God's glory ( like the people I saw were). Meanwhile.. I'm so far from the goal of seeking the kingdom first, I was like Jonah going the other way unknowingly. I had a righteous motive wanting to do the will of God, but I ended up self righteous, leading myself into my own pit blindly. making any mistake was terrifying, being corrected was terrifying.. That's such a burden for a human being who are seemingly, if not definitely, destined to make mistakes until we are made unto perfection.
The stress of writing something like this, and to find error in any way, which I always do typically because I'm absolutely not trained or taught in the art of writing. It was so stressful to the point where I always deleted things. My Ego had me make and delete so many writings, pictures, or anything I produced., because I didn't want to hurt others or make God look bad, because I'm a work in progress, and imperfect. But.., and I just got this revelation today, I put this on myself... Lol, I really did put these high expectations of not failing on myself, trying to be a good servant of God. I've trained the people around me to identify me so highly, yet my self esteem was so low and I needed you.. to stoke my ego🙄.. not to tell me I'm " worthy", but to confirm the labels that I deemed right for me to live, and how its possible and mandatory that I do so.. To make it worse,( and I'm not condemning myself) I put these high expectations on others, and I wondered why I was not around others.. I was my own ruler of what God said was righteous based on my own interpretation of scriptures and what I thought was righteous looking at others ( who are great humans who follow God)[ I believe lol]. So in closing I decide to humbleth myself 😂, and let Jesus meet the standard I just can't. He took the seat on the right hand of God and I took the seat at his feet breaking my alabaster box. 😭
As if I was the one who created myself. I labeled myself like Adam named the animals, putting a burden on me trying to identify myself. God never told me I was this, that, or the other.. (Which I did)
I studied and looked at things, ideas, and people. I decided for myself what was glorious for me to do for God( not what he told me to do)I didn't even think to seek him. I welcomed the idea that we are in a race to the Finnish line and I wanted my, "well done my good and faithful servant." This idea had me thinking I could just go ahead of God and his purposes and design for me personally because of what I thought, I was leaning on my own understanding.
I took Scriptures and preachers and took them out of their context trying to become righteous so I can serve God and be of good used for God's glory ( like the people I saw were). Meanwhile.. I'm so far from the goal of seeking the kingdom first, I was like Jonah going the other way unknowingly. I had a righteous motive wanting to do the will of God, but I ended up self righteous, leading myself into my own pit blindly. making any mistake was terrifying, being corrected was terrifying.. That's such a burden for a human being who are seemingly, if not definitely, destined to make mistakes until we are made unto perfection.
The stress of writing something like this, and to find error in any way, which I always do typically because I'm absolutely not trained or taught in the art of writing. It was so stressful to the point where I always deleted things. My Ego had me make and delete so many writings, pictures, or anything I produced., because I didn't want to hurt others or make God look bad, because I'm a work in progress, and imperfect. But.., and I just got this revelation today, I put this on myself... Lol, I really did put these high expectations of not failing on myself, trying to be a good servant of God. I've trained the people around me to identify me so highly, yet my self esteem was so low and I needed you.. to stoke my ego🙄.. not to tell me I'm " worthy", but to confirm the labels that I deemed right for me to live, and how its possible and mandatory that I do so.. To make it worse,( and I'm not condemning myself) I put these high expectations on others, and I wondered why I was not around others.. I was my own ruler of what God said was righteous based on my own interpretation of scriptures and what I thought was righteous looking at others ( who are great humans who follow God)[ I believe lol]. So in closing I decide to humbleth myself 😂, and let Jesus meet the standard I just can't. He took the seat on the right hand of God and I took the seat at his feet breaking my alabaster box. 😭
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