The Banned Game

Kevin called in President Lanolin who was, once again napping in her reading hammock. She was reading 1001 Arabian NIghts and was only up to the first story of Sheherezade. .

I have important news - Jennymaesia has been overtaken by Colonel Sanders . Nobody can fly, Mary Poppins is looking after the children and everyone has now been assigned to work at KFC. And guns have been banned!

Oh great. Is this good news or bad?

I think its good news for Mosetaria as their monsters love KFC.

Oh ok. Miss Ruby's crocs will deal with them. Keep calm and carry on.

The sleepy guy behind the glass barely took a glimpse at their passports, and didn’t reflect for a moment whether this one Ms Abigail and some Mr Jones really were who they said they were, or not. They were now in London! “So much for a strict immigration policy”, Charles said sarcastically. “The sleepy ones shall inherit the earth”, Ms Jenny responded.

“Look at this, Jenny, it’s all over the front page”, Charles had picked up a newspaper. Ms Jenny gasped. “I hate KFC. The mix they call food doesn’t taste nothing like a BBC from down home!” Charles took a deep breath. Sometimes Ms Jenny just wasn’t able to sort out what was important from what was not.
“They are turning your country into a commie dictatorship!” he said a bit more sternly, “and you’ll be hauled back there to swing if they find you!” he added. “Oh, oh yeah, that’s real bad too”, she said.

Charles sometimes wondered if Ms Jenny was just a puppet for somebody else. He found it hard to imagine that she had plotted her own way to power. Maybe this Abigail character was the real deal and that the Ms Jenny part was exactly that, a part she was playing? Not very good, though. Some investigation seemed appropriate.

In London Camilla had now completed her too-good-to-be-true story and was going to launch it right before coronation day. The Penguin division of Random House was going to publish it with illustrations by Quentin Blake.

However for the book launch they did require an authors photo and Camilla fretted over her appearance. Her old friend Dame Edna had now changed her look completely and Camilla did not want to go to Megs Pegs Legs and Wigs.

But there was this new beauty boutique opened up called Lady Abigails in the high street. Maybe she could try there.

She did not tell hubby Charles because she wanted it to be a surprise. This will knock Harry's Spare Tyre off the shelves, she mused.

“Colonel Sanders!” the khaki shirt on the lieutenant was stained with sweat. His face displayed a fear of what would come next. “Colonel Sanders, someone has wired all the country’s money to Jersey, and then to Switzerland and then to Malta and…and…then we lost track…uh..and all the gold was shipped out two weeks ago, destination unknown”. Colonel Sanders exploded. “What? We have nationalized everything!” The lieutenant was now sweating his pants down too. “Uh…yeah…but we’re technically bankrupt”. The colonel thought about it for a moment. “Well, then nationalize people’s money and other assets! And put the blame on the treasonous Empress!”

The guinea pigs desperately wanted to fly.
Turning possum was ok, but they really wanted to be birds and fly not just across the ditch but all around the world.
Growing wings was not enough, because chickens had wings too and they couldnt fly.

It was decided that the guinea pigs would have to lose weight before they had a chance, and so they booked some time at Jenny Craig weight loss clinic where they would fast from their fattening carrots and only drink beetroot juice instead.

Miss Ruby went for her daily walk around the Ruby Triangle and a hideous ghastly pink and purple vehicle that looked like it came from Barbie Land drove past her. Miss Ruby looked at it with disgust.

"Who would drive such a ghastly vehicle" she thought as it drove by. "It looks like a patchwork quilt that was roughly put together. Was Barbie in town?" She chuckled at the thought and headed back home to her mansion.

To her astonishment the hideous, ghastly vehicle was parked in her drive way. It had a letter attached to her windscreen. She loosened the letter and read it. It read "Dear Miss Ruby, congratulations on purchasing this vehicle. We hope you enjoy!"

Miss Ruby nearly fainted. What happened to the fast and furious red ruby vehicle that she ordered for Christmas. There obviously must have been some type of huge error. Miss Ruby rummaged through the glove box looking for a receipt of her order. She found it and checked it carefully. It was definitely her name and address. She checked the signature. It was very small. She placed her magnifying glass over it and to her astonishment it had been signed by the Chieftan.

Then it all made perfect sense. The Chieftan must have ordered this ghastly vehicle for his beloved Tzipora and there was a mix up in the paperwork. They obviously delivered the wrong car to the wrong address. She grabbed her phone out of her pocket and rang the Chieftan to advise him of the tragic mix up.

Mittens was on the throne. He too was reading a book. He'd just come back from yum cha lunch celebrating the Year of the Rabbit. Miss Goodbooks had recommended him Bunnicula, a Rabbit Tale of Mystery.

He noticed that the guinea pigs in parliament on the back benches looking a bit pale and thin, as if they were avoiding sunlight. What was up with them, he wondered. Parliament tv had been in disarray ever since Jacinda had left and she wasnt playing musical chairs anymore. It looked like President Lanolin was going to remove the parliamentary green chairs and have either everyone sit on the floor or on wheely swivel, chairs.

Just then Keisha breezed through Shortland Streets reception with Jonah in tow. Comin through, make way for the whale! Mittens was horrified when he saw a big bite had been taken out of his tail

It didnt occur to him or Keisha how long Jonah had been out of the water for. He seemed holding on though like a seal and not minding that he was now on dry land with Keisha ferrying him around in her ambulance and now emergency trolley.

“How dreadful!” Ms Jenny exclaimed, “Ms Ruby has been the victim of a vicious mistake. Somebody’s delivered her the wrong car!”

Charles sighed silently. Here she was, with a prize on her head, worrying about a car being delivered wrongfully. The English government was obliged by law to at least place her in custody if they found out who she really was. It didn’t seem to bother Ms Jenny. Obviously she put all of her faith in the blonde wig and her posh, yet fake accent.

He had to make contact with Ms Ruby and the Chieftain. Maybe they could help getting rid of the commies?

King Charles was in the middle of reading Spare Tyre. He couldnt avoid it any longer. His second son had spilled the beans and opened the can of worms.

Gladys, what is this word?

What word?

'Todger'

I have no idea. Can you spell it?

T-o-d-g-er

Camilla looked the word up in her Scrabble Dictionary. Nope cant find it.

Blimey what makes Harry think he can invent new words now?!

Charles was plundering through the news sites and found a Lanolinland site citing words from the no longer prince Harry’s spare tire book. “Oh, really, he had to cross that bridge”, he said to Ms Jenny. “Pfft…it’s just a juvenile thing to say, you know how ‘em youngins always are trying to get the attention saying words like that”, Ms Jenny said while putting new price tags on the red lipstick section. “What ya sayin? The Almighty Dollar or the British Pound?” Ms Jenny asked Charles. “Can’t really tell the difference these days, but I think I’d go with the pound here in jolly old England”, he chuckled. “Pound it is!” Ms Jenny decided.

Ok lets try it Kevin

Kevin looked dubious. L you've already banned dogs and you've banned MTV. And plastic bags and supermarket trolleys. Isnt that enough?

President Lanolin said yes but I havent banned jeans before. What harm can it do?

In Lanolinland there was a charity drive called 'Jeans for Jennymaesians' where people could drop off their old tattered jeans to be given to the fashion challenged people of Jennymaesia so they could wear them when they picked up their buckets of KFC. The old jeans helped because they could no longer buy or trade from China where all the new jeans came from (that they sold already ripped up) as the new leader of Jennymaesia had decided he didnt want to deal with the dragons of China anymore. They had become too capitalistic and were now making an absolute fortune. What happened to good old communism?

In return for donating their old jeans the inhabitants of Lanolinland were given lavalavas to wear that also doubled as flags. They could wear them on Waitangi Day which was soon coming up. Also known as Sad Crying day. That was the day everyone stayed home and watched chicklit movies on their sofas with a box of tissues and popcorn chicken.

"'Allo?" asked the Great Chieftain when his "smart" phone rang. He really knew it was Miss Ruby calling as he'd recorded her number on an earlier occasion, but he felt it was prudent not to let her know he'd recorded her number, as the Philistine Queen of Lanolinland and Fake News had started some nasty rumours about him last year, and he didn't want to provide her with any more ammunition this year.

Hopefully, he thought to himself, with the recent, somewhat-tragic-but-also-pleasing passing of Jacinta Ardern under the admittedly impressive wheels of Santa, he could leave the Editor of Fake News to fawning over deviant royals and looking up rude words in the Scrabble dictionary.

"Oh, it's you, Miss Ruby?" the Great Chieftain asked, feigning surprise. "Well, it's lovely to hear from you."

"A ghastly pink and purple car, you say?" he asked. "No. Tzipora drives a lovely, red, fast-and-furious sports car. The fastest and the most furious. Well, except for mine, obviously. They are very limited editions, so there's not too many of them about, y'see?"

The voice on the phone seemed to cut him off, before the Great Chieftain could speak again.

"Nope, it's definitely not hers. And the colours do sound awful. You don't have Barbie or someone living on your island, do you?"

"No? She's not hiding in a cave or anything like that, then?"

"Oh Ruby," the Great Chieftain exclaimed suddenly. "I do hope it's not Morty's car!?!"

The Great Chieftain held his "smart" phone away from his ear. The caller was clearly becoming animated about something.

"No, of course not! It couldn't be. I mean, there's nothing wrong with a man liking pink... and purple... I guess... Just, well... You do know he threw sand in my eyes as a child, and well, that's not a very manly way to..."

The Great Chieftain held his "smart" phone away from his ear again.

"My signature?" asked the Great Chieftain, smiling faintly as he feined puzzlement. "Well, are you sure? Was it a large, bold signature, with multiple i's dotted and t's crossed, such that you couldn't help but notice it belonged to a Great and rather strapping Chieftain, and so you couldn't but help admire the font, even if you didn't particularly care for the writer who penned it?"

"Tiny, you say?" the Great Chieftain gasped incredulously.

"So miniscule you had to use a magnifying glass?" the Great Chieftain's face turned a shade redder, and the casual observer might have detected a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"And it was definitely signed 'Chieftain'?"

The Great Chieftain sighed deeply.

"Well, Miss Ruby, I think you have become the victim of a cruel prank. The only fact I think we can definitively know for sure at this stage, is that it definitely wasn't me playing the prank, judging by the enormous difference between my signature, and what you have just described... Perhaps we should discuss with Miss Jenny? Rumour has it that she has a rather petite and effeminate signature..."

Miss Greenlips Hines insta alerted her to a new post on the Clones account.

This times the Clones were trying to imitate Barbie.

Im a Barbie Girl, In a Barbie wooooorld.
Wrapped in Plastic, its Fantastic

?! she commented. That is so OLD. Also the new environmentally conscious Barbies were now not being made of plastic or driving cars. (electric, gas guzzling or otherwise) They were going to be made out of bamboo and riding bicycles. Their blonde hair was also going to be made out of not nylon. but flax.

I better tell Parrs Products about this, they been making Maori dolls for decades. Its time they updated them and got the wahines some new kapa haka outfits and wakas to go with them.

She also told the Chippetes that the Clones sounded like they used autotune. They are not as good as you, she posted. At least your voices are REAL.

Miss Ruby's hot wheels remained on ice...the iceberg was slowly melting. She still hadnt picked it up.

“Do you find my signature petite and effeminate, Charles?” Ms Jenny addressed him in a way that left him no choice but say “no!”. He tried to find a proper way to describe her clearly girly signature in a way that would make it look big and powerful. Wouldn’t be easy, though. “Uh, your ‘J’ is the letter really establishing your signature, darling”, he said stuttering. “Oh yeah, and the other letters? Don’t you find my other letters being part of my signature?” Ms Jenny was obviously bothered by the conversation between the Chieftain and Ms Ruby, where the Chieftain had made her signature a public joke. Charles didn’t dare say that he needed a magnifying glass to read her signature, except from the ‘J’ and the ‘y’. It could as easily be read as “Johnny”, wasn’t it for being so petite and effeminate.

“And left handed wo…uh…persons have a tendency of writing smaller letters…”, he was cut off mid sentence. “So my signature is petite…and effeminate, you say?” Ms Jenny was almost in tears. “No wonder the commies don’t respect me. Nobody respects me! I’m just the shortest person everywhere and now my signature turns out to be an equivalent of myself…” she was sobbing like a little girl.

A maid entered the room. She left a note between the cushions and nodded to Charles. When she left he picked it up and read it. “No worries. She’s like this once a month”.

Charles sighed…women!

On the Lanovision the chickflick line up for Waitangi day were the following movies

Goodbye Pork Pie
Grease
Wahine
Lady of the Earrings

The first two everyone had heard of, but nobody had ever seen Wahine or Lady of the Earrings. Miss Bluebell said she'd seen Grease before, wasnt that about an Rubyland girl called Sandy who went to a Jennymaesian high school and met a Mosetarian bogan called Danny who drove a Holden?

Mrs Olive said that was right.

What about Goodbye Pork Pie? That was about a car too. A mini. But it was set in Lanolinland, and they didnt have to go to high school there. It was about some fulla who stole this car and drove all the way to Invercargill. How Bizarre.

What was Wahine about? asked Miss Tailfeather. Oh its Lanolinlands version of Titanic said Mrs Olive. The Wahine sank crossing from Lanolinland to the South Island. The best scene was when the mum tosses her baby overboard to get on the lifeboat. You gotta see it.

And Lady of the Earrings? What is that?
Oh its a movie starring Jacinda Adern. Jane Campion decided she was fed up with Peter Jackson hogging the limelight with his epic movies that didnt have any decent parts for women and so decided she would tell the wifes side of Lord of the Rings.

Miss Ruby was not happy with the conversation she had with the Chieftan. Firstly he suggested that Miss Jenny might have signed for the ghastly Barbie vehicle that was parked in her mansion's driveway. Miss Ruby knew that Miss Jenny would not have done that. Then he blamed Lanolinland for publishing false news when many articles about Tzipora's antics were indeed true. Lastly he told Miss Ruby that Tzipora was riding around in a highly sought fast and furious limited edition of a red ruby vehicle

Miss Ruby was furious. Then on top of that he suggested that the ghastly pink and purple vehicle might of been purchased by her beloved Morty. Morty was indeed very manly and would not be caught dead driving a Barbie vehicle.

She again rang that clerk named Santa and threatened that if he did not trace where here vehicle was in the next 24 hours he would meet with a very hungry alligator. Twenty four hours were nearly up and the clerk Santa rang.

"Yes hello Santa" Miss Ruby answered rather irritably. "I hope for your sake Santa, you have the location of my red ruby vehicle."

Miss Ruby was quite unprepared for the answer she got. It seems her red ruby vehicle was stuck in the middle of Antarctica on a slowly melting iceberg. It was too much for Miss Ruby and she promptly fainted on the floor.

The commies were finally gone. “How did you do it?” Ms Jenny asked her fiancé Charles. “It was pretty easy. They were fighting each other already so I just sided with one of the groups and then when we won, I made some harsh accusations about my commie ‘friends’ which of course they couldn’t accept”. Ms Jenny was impressed. “What happened next?” Charles smiled. “Well, outworn as they were after chasing the other commies, we had no problem taking them down”.

Ms Jenny was in awe. What a man! Then reality hit hard. “What about Ms Ruby’s car? It’s on an iceberg melting down as we speak. And did you hear those awful accusations about Morty driving a pink and purple car?” Charles chuckled. “No, but I’m more into pick up trucks, so fancy cars don’t really matter to me”. Ms Jenny was now so impressed that she hardly knew what to say.

The magic was broken when her phone rang. Her old arch enemy Bella Rose had gone public with untold stories from her past.

The Penguins noted the melting iceberg with the Ruby Red Hotwheels car perched pecariously on top. It was floating towards them and would soon reach the coast if it didn't melt before then.

Nermal, King Kitten of Antarctica saw it too on his geomap and wondered if Miss Ruby had forgotten her click and collect. None of the whales could get through to Rubyland because of all the crocodiles and sharks she'd placed to defend the coast. There was also a huge drift net that several smaller dolphins had got entangled in. Not to mention jellyfish and stingrays. And a crumbling, bleached Great Barrier Reef by the wreckage of the Titanic 2 and the remains of the first Rubyland golden bridge.

Unlike Miss Greenlips Hine's Kelp Kurtain, which hid the coast of Lanolinland from view and all whales knew the password to navigate. Rubyland's coast was a treacherous underwater minefield. It was now even more cluttered with discarded plastic from Mosetarians who had mistakenly ordered purple and pink plastic Barbie cars for their daughters.