The Banned Game

hmm said President Lanolin, David Rabbitborough told me that Shitimstan is going the way of Easter Island and soon there will be nothing left except for those mysterious statues of giant squirrels with donuts on their heads.

“I wish they would stop talking about squirrels”, Ms Jenny complained to her sister who was visiting her, “ it’s like they know I can’t pronounce that word correctly!” Her sister just laughed. “Ain’t nobody else I know who can say that word either like them UK ridden English speakers, you gotta know this: you’re the only one saying it mighty right. Them other folks, NOT!”

It was nice to have her sister over. Finally somebody who was not speaking in a posh UK fashion. Or other UK like fashions. She wasn’t sure about the Antarctica accent which was even thicker than her own. Good golly, maybe they’d learned to speak English from the penguins?

Meanwhile, in Antarctica, the residents are beginning to create a new accent-
https://www.scientificamerican.com/podcast/episode/linguists-hear-an-accent-begin/

“I ain’t taking no liking to accents!” Ms Jenny declared. Charles then wanted to ask why she was talking like somebody who didn’t know how to pronounce words in general correctly, but decided to wait.

Kevin did not normally disturb President Lanolins hammock time but he had important news.

Jacinda Arderns decided to gift her magic wand to you.

what, I thought she was having a holiday in the Cook Islands?

No shes not coming back. The kiwis have voted.

oh!

It had all started approximately an hour and a half hours before Christmas. The Great Chieftain had, whilst surveying his International Spy Vision as he does from time to time, overheard (or was it eavesdropped on) his arch-nemesis, and her Christmas wish for a car.

Naturally, the Great Chieftain had wished for the same thing, given his arch-nemesis had been somewhat lethargic of late, a condition he put down to her being bored with only 3 children to care for, Morty being away on yet another boring business trip, and the Great Chieftain not being much of a super-villain in recent times, given the tendency of all super-villain's to mellow in old age.

Anyhoo, a phone call to the North pole and reminder about an outstanding debt later, and Santa was on his way to deliver a super-fast, ruby-red car to the Great Chieftain's favourite arch-nemesis. Santa had decided to leave his sleigh in the garage this Christmas, as Ruby's Christmas gift was a much faster, more luxurious way for Santa to travel; Santa wouldn't have to put up with Rudolf's constant whining about all the other reindeers laughing and calling him names; and to be honest, Santa could fit more presents in this vehicle than his junky, old sleigh.

Santa was speeding down the freeway in Lanolinland when tragedy struck. A Jacinda Ardern, clearly bedazzled by Santa's speed and the shining, ruby-redness of his vehicle, had strayed into Santa's path. At first, Santa had thought the creature just to be an ordinary horse, and had in mind simply to utilise the wind-screen wipers after the collision and pretend after-the-fact he'd thought it was a rabbit. Too late, however, he realised the creature's buck-toothed features, it's crazy-set eyes, and it's half-evil, half-mournful look, so that you almost felt sorry for it despite it having poisoned your grandmother in order to have drained your bank account.

Santa screeched on the brakes for Ruby's vehicle, but it was too late. The Jacinta Ardern didn't stand a chance. Unfortunately, neither did the ruby-red vehicle Santa was driving.

When Santa phoned to explain the bad news to the Great Chieftain of Mosestaria, the Great Chieftain was somewhat perturbed. "I don't think the insurance policy kicks in for another 4 weeks," complained the Great Chieftain. "I didn't think there'd be any danger of an accident so soon - Eden Island is pretty tame, and I don't even think other cars are allowed. Can't you somehow keep the Jacinta on ice, and parade its face every now and then, so people don't suspect it has now become extinct, at least until the insurance period starts?"

With some convincing, Santa finally agreed, and didn't breathe a word about the accident until some time later. Later finally arrived after several weeks when the insurance money came through.

"The insurance has come through," the Great Chieftain's voice explained to Santa over Santa's "smart" phone. "I think you can finally put Jacinta out to pasture."

And so Santa did. He let the people of Lanolinland down gradually, using the Lanolinland fake-news media to explain that its Jacinta in fact had an entire family of Jacintas to which it was retiring to. So all was well that ended well in Lanolinland.

Miss Greenlips Hine secretly still had a mirror insta account with the Clones, which gave out their versions of fake news, and she laughed when the Clones made out like it was Santa who ran over Jacinda with a reindeer.

Those Clones! She shook her head, good try, but they cant even get the spelling of Jacindas name right!
She then deleted it lest President Lanolin catch her watching the Clones again.

I wonder what President Lanolin will use the magic wand for? Everything was going fine when she didnt have one, but now she does. I dont really want to fly her over to Shittimstan just because Mrs Santa Claus wishes she was there. My uber days are over. Why cant Mrs Santa Claus just send one of the unicorns?

Ms Jenny had her hands full with politicians seeking asylum in her country. The latest arrival was one NZ PM who was claiming to be fleeing from Santa. That sure beat the coal she had gotten for Christmas herself. Apparently Santa had tried to hit her with his car, but she had just let her tail slip off and then he had thought mission accomplished.

Ms Jenny couldn’t really approve of her taste in fashion, but her shoes were kinda cute. Maybe she could work as a shoe designer?

Miss Jenny had no sooner considered this, than looked up to see Charles shaking his head.

"You don't want *him* doing our shoe designs, my pet squirl", Charles whispered.

Miss Jenny didn't know whether to ask Charles why not, or to take offense at Charles taking on her accent in his pronunciation of the word "squirrel", or to take ever more offense at his referring to her as one.

Instead, she decided upon a different tack. "Him?" asked Miss Jenny.

"Oh, sorry, it!" apologised Charles at once. "You don't want *it* doing our show designs, my pet squirl", Charles corrected himself, referring to the now tail-less Jacinta Adern which was grinning it's buck-toothed smile as appealingly as it was able at Miss Jenny, it's crazy-set eyes trying to focus on about a half-dozen objects at once, and it doing its level best to tilt the scales on its half-evil-half-mournful look in favour of the latter.

Miss Jenny nearly said something about being referred to as a squirl twice in two consecutive sentences, but a message on her "smart" phone interrupted her.

"Strange," Miss Jenny muttered upon reading the message. "It's from Lieutenant Kamala Harris", she explained to Charles.

Charles frowned, ever so slightly, as if puzzled.

"You know, the one from the Captain America Corporation," Miss Jenny explained.

"Oh, I remember him now," answered Charles.

"Yes, well it seems that she has recently been made secret President, and is now seeking asylum in Jennymaesia."

Charles shook his head. "The man's insane. The less we have to do with him, the better. I mean, what even is a secret President? Why would a secret President be seeking asylum? And whatever happened to Captain Biden, for the Captain America Corporation to promote a lunatic in his place?"

"Well, you raise some valid points," conceded Miss Jenny. "But Captain Biden was not, shall we say - the most coherent of leaders - now, was he?"

"Not at all," agreed Charles doubtfully. "But is the Captain America Corporation really going to replace someone who doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality with someone who would endeavour to force everyone else to join him in the fantasy?"

Miss Jenny shrugged. "I'm sure it's for the best."

President Lanolin looked at the magic wand, it was sitting on her desk.
I wished for a magic wand and now I have one. huh.

The magic wand just looked like an ordinary stick that a dog would use to play fetch. President Lanolin felt a strong urge to throw it away as far as she could, but there were no dogs now in Lanolinland.

The country was starting to get crowded. Why was all those world leaders seeking asylum? Did they believe that she was soft on world leaders? That they could walk all over her? Admitting the two geezer captains into the country had established a precedence she had to put an end to. Why would Lieutenant Harris be throwing her presidency away? She’d never get to be elected president in a general election. This was her only way to the Oval Office, but now she was here.

A servant entered the room. “Lt. Harris demands to see you, Mylady”, the servant informed her. “Very well, send her in”, Ms Jenny sighed.

The grey aura surrounding her guest made Ms Jenny yawn. No wonder this woman couldn’t make it to office. People were bored to death by her sole appearance.

“Lt. Harris”, Ms Jenny greeted her. “Your Highness”, Lt. Harris offered reluctantly.

Ms Jenny decided to cut the crap and set things straight immediately. “Why are you here?” she said somewhat politely with a sting of sarcasm.

“A bipartisan committee has put a bounty on me”, she pulled a document out of her “purse”. Ms Jenny found her “purse” to be so out of style that it was more like a plastic bag.

The document stated that it was a reward for bringing Lt. Harris back to the states. “Your country is obliged to accept my request for asylum”, she said triumphantly.

Ms Jenny, hands on hips, stared at her. “Maybe, maybe not. Regardless we have an island a few miles off of our shores where we deposit asylum seekers until we can verify their identity. You’ll be on your way there first thing tomorrow alongside the rest of the world leaders”.

Lt. Harris almost pitched a fit. “You know who I am!” Ms Jenny shrugged. “All I can see is an angry woman…”

The next morning the angry woman and two angry geezers, quite seasick, though, were eagerly plotting their revenge on Ms Jenny. She, on the other hand was facing bigger problems. A very old, or more accurate, an ancient man, had payed her a visit, and he demanded asylum, or else.

Miss Ruby eagerly awaited the arrival of her new fast red ruby car. There was some talk that with all that is going on in the world there would be a slight delay. Morty was away on another business trip and Miss Ruby was left to care for the three small children herself. Well that wasn't entirely true as the Ruby clones helped her out when required.

Miss Ruby couldn't wait to drive the fast red ruby car wearing her red ruby lipstick. It would be a great stress relief from having the responsibilities of ruling the Ruby Triangle, raising three children and being a wife. Sometimes Miss Ruby wondered why on earth she had taken on all of these responsibilities. Having the fast car was indeed a welcome stress relief.

She decided to track the progress of the shipment of the car and noticed that it seemed to have reached the North Pole and stayed there. She decided to ring the enquiry number. It seemed the clerk went by the name of Santa. She dialed the number impatient for him to answer.

"Yes hello Santa. Miss Ruby here. I am tracking the progress of my red ruby car" she said sternly to Santa.

Santa did not answer and when he did he seemed to sound rather nervous and was stuttering badly. Miss Ruby could hardly make any sense of what he was saying. It seemed that he had called her car Jacinta.

"What a foul name" Miss Ruby thought. It did not sound fast and furious enough for her red ruby car.

"Santa, please do not refer to my red ruby car as Jacinta" she replied rather annoyed.

Santa went on to explain that the red ruby car in question had met with an unfortunate accident involving a rather skinny horse named Jacinta and the horse in question was put down.

Miss Ruby was furious and demanded a replacement and quickly otherwise Santa would be either fed to the crocodiles or left stranded in Antarctica.

The Great Chieftain of Mosestaria scrolled patiently through the models available for immediate delivery on the car website. It seemed that Ruby-red was everyone's favourite colour, as the colour was unavailable for almost every car-model he considered, particularly the fastest and most furious models.

During Santa's earlier telephone call, Santa had explained to him in no uncertain terms that he would be coming to live with the Great Chieftain in Antarctica if he didn't get Miss Ruby's car sorted promptly. The Great Chieftain had frowned slightly at this. "Wouldn't it be easier for everyone concerned if Miss Ruby simply fed Santa to her crocodiles?" Honour would be satisfied, there would be no threat of Santa coming to Petermann Island, and the Great Chieftain wouldn't have to surf the net for suitably fast and furious cars of everyone's favourite colour that had clearly been sold out over Christmas?

"I think I'm going to have to go with deep purple," the Great Chieftain finally conceded. "I doubt Miss E-Ruby's going to be very happy - perhaps if I purchase one where the doors and bonnet are a feminine pink, that'll make up for it?" he shrugged to himself. The Great Chieftain of Mosestaria selected the fastest and most furious model he could find that came in deep purple with pink doors and bonnet, then clicked on the purchase icon after typing in Miss Ruby's Eden Island address. "This time, the vehicle would be delivered by professionals", he told himself, "so there would be little danger of another write-off by a Jacinta collision. Also, the car manufacturer wasn't located in Lanolinland, which was home to the highest concentration of Jacintas in the world."

The Great Chieftain sighed. He had put a lot of effort into training his arch-nemesis to be an arch-nemesis worthy of him, but he feared she was softening somewhat with her latest merciful threat to Santa. Hopefully, the delivery of the new vehicle would perk her up a little.

Meanwhile, in Jennymaesia, the Jennymaesians were getting restless. Empress Jenny of Jennymaesia, and her fiancee Charles, were getting quite the reputation for being soft on illegal immigration by treasonous ex-politicians. Long lines of haggard faces in expensive suits with deep pockets, or wearing pointy looking hats and carrying broomsticks, were forming at the Customs section in the Jennymaesian Airport, and all claiming asylum in Jennymaesia given the crimes committed in their home countries.

The Jennymaesians were not a heartless people, but this particular brand of illegal immigrants, as soon as granted asylum, seemed to inappropriately assault Jennymaesian pets, or kick Jennymaesian beggars deeper down into the Jennymaesian gutters, or mysteriously materialise in Jennymaesian homes claiming ownership after changing the locks. The Jennymaesian people had had enough, and so too, quite frankly, had Miss Jenny and Charles.

Mrs Santa Claus received a charming reply back from Ms Jenny thanking her for the coal. She showed Mrs Hairy, who signed that Ms Jenny was a socialite who threw the best parties and always appreciated having enough charcoal for her Southern style barbecues that went on all day. Mrs Hairy was eagerly looking forward to the wedding.

Miss Ruby, however was not happy and it seemed her fast car so she could getaway had not arrived in time for Christmas. Santa..what has happened here? It seems Miss Ruby did not receive her hot wheels!

I am sure she got them. The penguins made sure she it was packed in the shoebox along with a magic wand and some carrot seeds. Something is not right here. Santa checked his list. Miss Ruby had been forgiven and she had made the 'nice' list. Under her name was a big tick. Which meant her gift had been dispatched. He checked the tracking parcel list.

Jonah the whale had been the courier.

Santa turned on his sonar to find out where Jonah had ended up. Jonah was supposed to deliver to Rubyland. Oh no, it seems he never made it to Rubyland. It was surrounded by crocodiles and he couldnt get through. So he left the Hot Wheels on an iceberg with a note for Miss Ruby to pick up herself as it was not safe to deliver to her door.

She had 30 days to pick it up before the iceberg melted.

Miss Ruby was suspicious of the voice on the other end of the line who had told her her Hot Wheels was called Jacinta.

Mr Eyeball, is that you? Impersonating Santa again? I knew it!

She hung up. The REAL Santa Claus would never do that.

Ms Jenny was presiding over a meeting in the House. The matter was the newly arrived asylum seeker. The extremely old man was sitting in a svivel chair so everybody could get a chance to see him. His hair and facial hair was as grey as ash. The Speaker addressed him. “Would you please present yourself?” He got up from the chair. “I have heard that this country is welcoming world leaders on the run. I am the most wanted world leader in the entire history”. The Speaker paused for a moment. “But nobody knows who you are”, he then replied. The old man got a hideous look on his face. “God has condemned me to an eternal life on the run, but then I got wind of this sanctuary and decided to come here”, he said gravely. “Who are you?” Ms Jenny said impatiently. “Fraulein, I am 133 years old”, he told her before the booing erupted.

Charles chuckled. “That con artist wants us to believe he is that German maniac who started WWII”.

The next day he was sent to the island to keep the rest of the world leaders company.

Keisha was having another holiday at her bach up north Lanolinland. Her folks always left her the latest hags mags so she could do the crossword puzzles.

This time the Australians Women's Weekly had Jacinda Ardern on the cover declaring 'there have been rumours I will resign, but they aren't true'.

The New Idea had Meghan Markle declaring she was 'furious over Harry's humiliating memoir'

While Woman's Day had Meghans 'Revenge Baby No 3."

Revenge baby number 3?? Keisha laughed. What happened to Revenge Baby numbers 1 and 2?
After she had done the crosswords puzzles she tossed the magazines in the recycled trash and went surfing.

She spotted Jonah offshore as he was just returning from across the ditch. S'up Jonah?

Jonah clicked and waved his tail. It seemed a big bite had been taken out of it. Those nasty Rubyland crocodiles! Exclaimed Keisha. We'll have to get you to Shortland Street pronto and have that looked at.

Ms Jenny had a haggard look on her face. Everything was taking a heavy toll on her now. The world leaders were bugging her day and night. She had steadily 15 embassies represented outside her palace making threats to get their leaders back for trial. Seven warships were barely visible from the port, all of them safely outside the Jennymaesian waters, but it would take them minutes to cross it. She couldn’t take it anymore.

She opened her walk-in closet and then she put on her Abigail outfit, a blonde wig, red glasses and makeup that made her look totally Abigail. She changed her accent into a posh London variant. She then ventured outside.

“Where’s the Empress?” the crowd was almost chanting. “Have you seen her?” they asked Abigail. “No, I ‘aven’t seen ‘er”, she said politely.

Never no more, she thought, I’m going to London and be minding my stores. Charles met her at the airport. He was dressed like a Scotsman. Ms Jenny aka Abigail laughed. “You didn’t need the skirt”. Charles chuckled. “Eim suRRy, my love, but a Scotsman dResses corRectly, and speaks authentically, ei meigt add”. Ms Jenny giggled. “Those legs could really use some nylons to cover the hair and flaws”. Charles smiled. “Say no more, or else I will wear my skirt higher”.

Try it, you might like it, said Kevin.

President Lanolin wasn't so sure. What if the magic wand could only grant 3 wishes and ran out?
THen she would be sunk.

She thought carefully about her wish. It was true, she had wished she could grow wings and fly. BUt would that be selfish? WHat about all the other kiwis, didnt they also wish to grow wings and fly too? ANd those poor kunekune pigs?

HOw about I test the banning device out first?

Kevin had been given a new banning device for Christmas. UH President Lanolin, that was my gift from Santa. besides, only boys can use it.

WHat? Why?

IT doesn't work when girls use it.

huh. WHy not?

Er...well you could try but I dont think it would be a good idea.

can we test it? lets see if I can ban jeans.

In Jennymaesia insult was added to injury when the communist resistance seized power in the absence of the Empress.

The bald headed, yet beard ridden leader held a speech from Ms Jenny’s private residence.

“Comrades, finally the bourgeoisie Empress is gone, and we, the people are in power!”

He jumped around on the balcony like a madman. “From now on leaving the country is prohibited and will be regarded high treason, everyone will be reassigned to new jobs, and your children will be taken care of by the government. Any opposition to the government will be prosecuted firmly. All firearms must be handed in immediately!”

“Charles! The commies have taken over back home? What shall we do?” Ms Jenny was shivering in fear. “Well, do you think the military is in on this?” he wondered.

“Yeah, their leader is a colonel so some of them are”, Ms Jenny almost cried. Charles read the news. “Oh my, you’re wanted for high treason, you’ll be apprehended and deported when you get to London!” Ms Jenny laughed. “Ain’t no Ms Jenny on this plane, only some Ms Abigail”.