Why did this guy treat me like this and made a mess of me?

I encounter weird stuff like this from women. I had a lady at the gym (~6 years ago??) who made a point of telling me that she was single, she had no boy-friend.. she'd hug me, hold my hand.. So, I asked her out. Went down like WWII fighter over Nazi airspace.

I've had women say or do things that were supposed to be signals, but hardly came off that way. Oh, in their minds it was a flirt. But, since I'm a MAN, I don't speak Femalese. Some women forget that men are men, not just women with more hair.

Moral? There are no signals that are 100% reliable. His mind was probably in a totally different place than how it appeared. Im sorry for your confusion and how it hurt you.

Look... I've seen women I'd rate as unattractive, married. I've heard of attractive Christian women who, since they became Christians, could not get a date.

I don't care what anyone says, being single sucks. Once you do get married, don't forget your struggles as a single woman, and be grateful for the relationship you have (unless of course he's an abusive cheater or something).

I blocked Lanolin for her excessive 'wisdom'.

Sorry to hear that. In hindsight, are you glad that you asked her out, or would you have been better off if you had never tried? I'm contemplating asking out two different women right now, and I don't even know if they're unmarried or truly interested. I'm thinking that the one is a safer bet than the other, but I honestly can't figure women out.

I have a dear friend who shared a similar experience the OP had. Only this concerned a daughter being played.

This very good looking young man at her school, mom showed me his yearbook photo, was flirting with her daughter in school assemblies, class, etc... If there was a fire drill he'd flirt. Smile, look away as if he was shy, mouth greetings to her when they were at a distance, ''hi'',''you look nice today. '' , he'd point at her outfit.
Smile.
He'd get close, talk with her, share little details about himself, ask if she had yet been invited to any one of the soon to occur school dances.

Her daughter was thrilled.
One day he said to her he'd gotten up the nerve , would she go to the prom with him?
Her junior prom, his senior.

Long sad story short, he stood her up. Instead he took a girl his flirting was intended to make jealous.

Next day of school she learned everyone in his class, and some in hers, knew what happened in detail.
To save his a.... reputation, such as it was, he claimed he could have been serious about his pretend flirting but his image and reputation wouldn't let him be seen at his last big public event, senior prom, with a butterface.
I. E. She's a great girl, but for her face.

Moral to the sad story?
The quarterback of the Varsity team truly did like her. And btw, she's farrrrr from ugly but Mr. Knucklehead had to have an excuse for all those weeks of flirting and then standing her up.

That quarterback, who also modeled for local clothing stores seasonal advertising, heard about Mr. K's campus act too.
One night after graduation Mr. K was reportedly beat up after he'd decided to swing on Mr. Quarterback for confronting him about the mean spirited farce.
Mr. K was with his buddies, who'd all known what he was pulling on Jennifer and apparently thought 4 against one ''pretty boy'' was a sure thing.

To his credit, if you can call it that, the 3rd friend of Mr. K's ridiculous fouresome ran for his life after Mr. Quarterback beat the snot out of Mr. K and his 2 friends.

No charges because outside cameras proved Mr. K got the first punch, and his two buddies then swarmed in. The third friend was seen dropping to his knees.

Now, all these years later Jennifer is in private practice, married to Mr. Quarterback whom she'd reconnected with after university.

And Mr.Knucklehead? Turns out his parents unknowingly sought a public defender to represent him on a simple assault charge in the next town over.
That PD happened to be Mr. Quarterback. 😆 Who commits so many hours to that public service away from the firm he and Jennifer run together.

Mr. K's three friends are dead, in prison, living homeless in a northern state.

Mean in high school either grows up and out of it, or they just stay mean and grow older. Till they die, change, or go to prison.


The right guy is out there. And he doesn't make you feel bad about yourself, ever.
Emotional abuse
is still abuse.

That old adage, sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me, is nonsense.

As anyone who has suffered verbal abuse knows.
They may, may, forget what was said. They'll always carry with them how those hateful words made them feel.

You have anxiety and negative belief about yourself from past experiences and because of this you on a subconsious level expect what you've been getting even though you don't want it. You can't get this to change from the outside with the hope that you'll get a new result, it has to be changed first from within your mind/imaginations and reaction and then it will appear on the outside. When you're so commited to this new self that gets these new responses and reactions coupled with your willingness to respond and react them the old self dies because you're not feeding into or operating out of it anymore. All of this first takes place in the mind though.

Imagine people reacting to you the way you want often and in your mind practice and rehearse responding to how they treat you. This can take some time and effort on a day to day basis but you'll find that it changes you into that person. The only reason i can attest to this is because i changed myself the same way, and when i changed i started getting new results to match the new self.

The choice is yours though. If you dilligently work on your mind and what you imagine after and what you are ready to respond to you'll have it sooner or later. A lot of people have a hard time with relationships simply because of their belief systems. That's usually why in certain circles you see people all getting the same results, because they all adopted the same mindset. My sister was like that in a nice relationship but because she'd always be relating to her single friends and adopting their ideas she ended up in the same position as them, single bitter and hating men.

If you made it through my post im sorry i couldn't give you a normal person answer.

Ok
So my take is that you really don't know much about this guy. And he doesn't really know much about you either.

Relationships take time...sometimes years to develop. So the quick momentary interactions really don't matter on the micro scale...not until people get really comfortable with each other and you both know a LOT more about each other.

Also he has more to fear from interactions with you than you do with him.

whatver its just autistic people are often non verbal and find it hard to communicate in social situations so I was just trying to rule it out.

btw am not a guy so someones got that wrong. lol

there is no need to go into a meltdown over someone you just met or have any reason to believe you are ugly.

Even if someone says he likes you, does not mean he actually wants to love you forever if you just met him once at a party and had a conversation with him! How many people at this party? Girl you are not the only one.

People talk and sometimes they stare at others at parties this is just what happens at some parties

You didnt say he wanted to dance with you so. Maybe the music was no good. He could have been tired. Could be a lot of reasons. Its not always about you.

It sounds to me like you didn't give him a clear enough signal. He looked at you - smiled at you, started talking to you. You needed to give him a clearer message that you were free, and interested in communicating more. That can be hard without being too direct.

But the guy might have had other obstacles, also. He might've lived a million miles away, and not have wanted to start something that wouldn't work. He might have still been getting over the ghost girl. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Lots of beautiful women can become ugly when one hears them talk or sees them act in obnoxious ways, and women ugly at a distance become beautiful, when one sees how intelligent or gracious or loving they are.

Use the experience you've learned for next time.

I agree... I've actually been going to several different therapists for 3 years, but unfortunately, when it comes to my low self-esteem about my appearance, I never saw any results and that depresses me even more when people say ,,Therapy works wonders''.

BTW, I've had a few similar situations in the past year that my therapists think is proof that I'm not ugly and have attention from men, but it's like when a guy doesn't ask for contact, I automatically assume it's because of my looks and refuse to accept that there was real interest in me. For instance, one day I was walking down a busy central street *talking on the phone*. Then, a handsome guy was quite persistent in trying to catch up with me, and when he stopped me, he told me that I looked pretty. I thanked him and was acting nice, but he didn't ask for my contacts and just smiled and left.

Even though this situation was like a booster for my low self-esteem, the fact that he didn't ask for my contacts made me think: ,,Well, he apparently thought I was pretty from afar, but when he got close to me, he figured that I'm not that pretty and he's given up, otherwise why would someone chase me just to compliment me.'' This situation is quite similar and again I take it in a particularly painful way for me…

Honestly, the reason I blame my looks for the failed situations with these guys is because I've seen many situations with my girlfriends who were actively pursued (not in a creepy way) by guys who they couldn't even communicate with on such a wide variety of topics like I could and didn't even have much in common. And they all got into healthy relationships.

I consider myself an intelligent girl with a sense of humor. And in these situations, it's not like I was just sitting and waiting for the prince to come - I was communicating, smiling and did my best despite my insecurity. And witnessing the situations above made me believe that although appearance is not the most important thing, it is clearly among the most defining things.

Therefore, you can imagine how easily I came to this painful conclusion when I did my best at that party and still nothing happened. I know this thinking is damaging and kills my self-esteem + makes my life a hell but I just don't know how to stop it.

In this particular case, I'm not sure how I feel about. She drew back like I suddenly looked creepy to her, and that got to me.

However, generally speaking, I'd rather ask and be rejected, than not ask and never know. Sometimes, even after a rejection, I feel kind of good since I stepped out like a man, and there was no more wondering or mystery.

Don't take it personally.
Most young guys are very immature and never had their dads or anyone teach them how to properly interact with ladies. They're like "WOW! She's pretty. " Then she walks by at church and he doesn't know what to say. That's common. It could be worse.

I'm ready to take the risk with one of them, the next time that I see her, even if I get rejected. If she does reject me, then I honestly don't understand women at all. Or maybe I do.

Sorry, I had a chuckle over that, but I think we've all been in that "air space" before. Good advice too. BTW.

Very hard when you have a mind that confirms your self doubt. And I totally understand that. Everything that goes wrong confirms your self doubt and image. I don't know how old you are but it takes some time before you hit that head space of being confident in yourself. I didn't date until I was in my 40s. Now I was in ministry, but I had plenty of young men around, but none of them showed any big interest. My young sister seemed to be able to have guys around her but not me. She wasn't a loose girl either, but she had a way with guys to put them at ease, a little bit of a flirt and tease. I was born with zero of that. And cues, wow, did I miss cues. I look back now and think maybe some were interested and I wasn't getting the right cues.

I know a few things for a fact, you're not "ugly". As far as the guy in your first post, some people flirt and they don't know they are doing. My sister has been married for years, faithful to her husband as the day is long. But she still has that way that men see as flirting. They aren't doing it on purpose, it's just their nature. I'm sure he wasn't being a jerk, it had nothing to do with your looks. I never read this book nor saw the movie but the title made me think and read a bit on the topic. It's "He's Just Not that into You" and there can be a hundred reasons a guy doesn't want to take the next step. And much of it has nothing to do with you but past relationships and baggage and not wanting to try again.

I was in my 40s when I met my now husband. One said he said to me when we became serious is "I like that you don't play head games". He liked that I was direct and said what I thought, not every man likes that or finds that attractive. It's a turn off to men who are game players. I joke to him that it was like "taming of the shrew" when we met. He said it was more like a wild horse. lol I asked him one day what it was about me that attracted him to want a relationship. I was expecting something romantic, heartfelt, sweet. He said " You ate your lunch from your lap in the car one time before we went into a movie." ?? I said " What?!" He laughed and said that the other girls he dated would be offended if he asked them to eat in the car." He said " that's when I knew you were THE one". smh So I say all that to say this, men are from Mars, what we think they are thinkin is not even close. There are so many reasons why things don't go a certain way. But look at it and think " that wasn't the one for me, if it was it would have worked out". The more you retreat into your shell the harder it will be for someone to have a relationship with you. Guys are every bit as insecure and nervous as you are of how they look about being rejected. Take the focus off yourself, I get that's hard to do. But when you relax and chill and are your true self, before you know it you will have found someone. When I wasn't looking I fell over my hubby and I can't imagine my life without him. <3

Maybe I'm autistic, hummm. There's movie where Will Smith says women judge everything by the first kiss. I've told before how on about our third, or so, date, my now hubby and I drove up in front of my parents house. We were saying our goodnights and he went to take my hand "to kiss it" he told me later. I shook his hand like a Walmart door greeter. So he went in for a kiss, brave soul but by that time I was movin on toward the door and he missed my lips totally and my cheek and got the back end of my ear. He still says "why did you ever think I wanted to shake your hand !!" But ten years later here we are. He found my lips eventually. But every now and then he miss places a kiss somewhere on my face just to remind me of how bad I really am of reading signals. It's our running joke.

Only one way to find out, minus a Vulcan mind-meld.

I think men are more interested in the design of women, than any particular aspect of how women consider their own appearances. Sure, particular aspects may help to attract attention at the start, but if a guy becomes used to you, he may start to find you attractive despite what you consider in yourself to be ugly. The more you learn to focus less on worrying about this, the more attractive you will likely appear. For example - a fat woman might become attractive by her sweet-sounding voice and the nice compliments she always gives, a woman with a plainer face by her well-kept hair and sensible clothing, etc. Where you lack (if you lack), you can make up in other areas.

You have to remember that what might have been normal behaviour 100 years ago when most men were honourable is often considered creepy and scary today. Guys just coming up to girls and asking for phone numbers might be viewed skeptically (and often with good reason). You might have to learn a few (obvious) signals you can give to show your interest. If a guy says you are pretty, perhaps you could respond with your own compliment - "You're not bad looking yourself", or "I like when guys aren't scared to share their thoughts" or something. Saying nothing might imply you aren't interested, and a nice guy often won't want to by pushy.

I've done things like that guy when I was younger. I wasn't playin anyone, I was just shy/impaired with women I liked.

I'd say you're probably right, based on your description, he thought you were attractive and liked you. Some people are shy with people they romantically like. They may say inappropriate things, such as asking for advice on a girl that ghosted him. I think I've literally done that before. He may have wanted to keep the conversation going, and that popped in his head. He may have went with this topic (that he wished he could've taken back) and tailored it wishing you would have said, "well I wouldn't have ghosted you. She's crazy", or something like that.

Maybe he felt too awkward to ask you in front of your friend. Or if you were alone, at the moment he could have asked you for your number, he may have lost his nerve. It happens. Doesn't mean there's anything with you.

With some people, in some situations, smiling and being inviting might not be enough to help a shy or unsure person pull the trigger. You can toss up easy "invitations" like "Hey I want to see the movie ____", "want to try that new restaurant ____", "want to join me to raid the party snacks?", "I'd like to get some fresh air, want to check out the backyard?". You can pre-memorize these closers and tailor them to the current situation. You know, if you want to date, you like someone, push the date/exchange-of-phone.

Like other folks have mentioned, there's other possibilities (maybe he lived far away and just didn't see it working; maybe he really wasn't available and just wanted to talk to a pretty girl for a while); trust your gut.

Lanolin was just covering the bases (possibilities). She wasn't declaring Raquelle misread the situation. Autism is a growing issue. I'm certain she's not trying to justify "players and the game".

Was it bad form that this guy flirted with Raquelle and then told her about this woman who ghosted him or asked advice about it? I would say so. Difficult to know the motivation. Was it an anxious or innocent blunder, or is this someone trying to push her buttons, manipulate her, or some perverted satisfaction from fooling her? I'm sure I don't know.

There are "players", and we should be aware of their motivations, but I'm sure you agree we don't want to let that healthy caution become excessive caution that negatively affects ourselves and those around us. As they say, to hammer everything looks like a nail.