Single-dom and The Holidays... What are Your Memories, Thoughts, and Survival Tips?

Now I'm halfway tempted to write a poll asking which one would be more shocking:


1. A Polar Bear Club that goes ice swimming and then makes angels in the snow,

or,

2. A Polar Bear Club consisting of people of all ages who sit around conversing, all while sporting polar bear onesies.

Now I'm halfway tempted to write a poll asking which one would be more shocking:


1. A Polar Bear Club that goes ice swimming and then makes angels in the snow,

or,

2. A Polar Bear Club consisting of people of all ages who sit around conversing, all while sporting polar bear onesies.

Hi Notonmywatch,

I want to thank you for your kindness and for taking the time to read my posts.

I hope I don't sound like a victim when I talk about past relationships. I made my own choices, some of them quite regrettable, and to be very honest, I'm not an easy person to deal with in close proximity. Things will be fine for a while, but I tend to stuff a lot of things down and then it will all build up at once and either implode or explode (sometimes both all at once.) It's funny because we all know there are two sides (or more) to a story and I always say that if my ex had become a member here and people didn't know we once had a connection, I think he would have been very well-liked and had a popular following. And I have to smile because people would probably have even been like, "Oh, that crazy ex-wife of yours, she sounds awful!"

I am so sorry that you spend the holidays alone, but admire your steadfast loyalty to your faith. I know this will sound trivial, but when I hear secular Christmas songs, I often think about them in context to my relationship with God. For instance, "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" makes me think of all the questions I want to ask God about the natural world, such as, what made Him think of snow! "Silver Bells" reminds me of how God is watching over us in our daily lives ("City sidewalks, busy sidewalks...") no matter what's happening (my favorite name for Jesus is "Immanuel" -- God WITH us -- in every aspect of life.) I know it probably seems a bit simple-minded but I find that it helps a little.

I guess for myself, I understand that the world doesn't care about God, but we as Christians, can make everything about God, even when it seems like we are surrounded by nothing but godlessness. I hope that you will find other like-minded Christians to converse with.

God bless you in your earnest walk to find and always be with Him.

Now I'm halfway tempted to write a poll asking which one would be more shocking:


1. A Polar Bear Club that goes ice swimming and then makes angels in the snow,

or,

2. A Polar Bear Club consisting of people of all ages who sit around conversing, all while sporting polar bear onesies.

There's no need to thank me. You're very articulate, and your posts are interesting to read. You've mentioned questioning your usefulness in the past. Have you ever considered doing an online blog? You certainly seem capable of doing one, and I could easily foresee you getting a following pretty quickly.

Having a spouse up and leave unannounced sounds like victim material to me. That said, I hear you about there being two sides to every story. I, and I'd imagine others, can relate to your life experiences because I've had similar experiences myself. In my particular case, I've learned, slowly but surely, how to turn my seeming defeats into victories. More on that in a second.

You don't need to feel sorry for me. I used to actually feel sorry for myself, kind of like one of those misfit toys on the Isle of Misfit Toys in "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer", but my misfortunes ultimately turned into positive stepping stones. In other words, I eventually learned to redeem my time alone positively by seeking God and his word. Out of that came a deeper knowledge of God, a deeper understanding of myself, and a deeper understanding of others and how this world works. I'm much better equipped for life now than I was before the dreaded loneliness set in. I honestly don't feel lonely the vast majority of the time even though I'm alone most of the time.

"Silver Bells", if I remember correctly, refers to the Salvation Army bell-ringers who are frequently seen and heard during this time of the year. In fact, I just encountered a couple at my local supermarket earlier today.

Why did God make snow?

I don't know, but I'm glad that he did. To me, nothing looks more beautiful than some new-fallen snow on barren trees in the Wintertime. Throw in a cardinal sitting on a tree branch, and I'm good to go.

My mind is always focused upon God, and that began because I literally had no one else for years to turn to but God.

I'm reminded of the words of the psalmist who said:

Psalm 73:25
Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

Thankfully, I have recently found a small group of like-minded believers, and we fellowship together on a weekly basis. It's nice to have some human, in person interaction.

I appreciate that.

God bless you as well.

You sound like you have a very interesting story and from what I've read so far, I am looking forward to learning more. I'm sorry for all you have gone through, but admire how you've turned everything towards a deeper walk with God. I hope you will continue to share more as we go along, because I'm finding your posts to be very inspirational.

You asked if I had thought about starting a blog... Thank you for the kind words. People have occasionally told me I should write books, blogs, or start some sort of column in an established publication. It's very flattering, but I don't think I would be a good fit for such work.

I've spent a lot of time observing others who have written books, blogs, have YouTube channels, etc., and I've come to the conclusion that it's just not for me. All the people I've been watching talk about burnout (it's no longer enjoyable anymore, but feels like an obligation,) requires more and more flash to keep going (I'd feel like I'd have to add a lot of complex art and pictures, which I'm not good at,) and that then they are inevitably flamed by a continuous stream of multiple anonymous critics on the internet.

I've been here on CC and writing threads since 2009, and I feel this (and writing personal correspondence, which I've been doing ever since I learned to write,) is my true calling when it comes to the written word. I've had many past threads here, and I'm sure I will have more in the future, where there has been plenty of controversy and push back -- and I accept it as part of the territory.

But the thing that really keeps me writing here is the interaction. When I write a thread, I have two goals: 1. to present an idea, and 2. to open a discussion about it. I couldn't really write a book or blog because to me, that would kill my whole reason for writing -- I'm here to try to get people talking, and most importantly, talking to each other. I'm not looking for a following; I'm looking to set up linguistic bonfires around which people can warm up and get to know each other.

I've also seen that others who write on these other mediums always get pushed into having to shape their writing to the molds of their audience, which is a confinement I never want to have to abide by. Even in my threads, I've had several people say, "Well what you should have said or written is this," and while I'm totally open to constructive ideas and ways to improve, but if they are wanting to talk about a completely different angle, I always suggest they start their own threads.

From what I've seen, people on other platforms eventually have to give in to what their audience wants to see, and I don't want to have to cater to those restrictions.

I do feel that God has had a purpose for me here. I remember a long time ago, a fellow single here was kind enough to write me and said that he would look to see if there were new threads here every day, because they kept him going from day to day and helped him feel less lonely.

That was about the highest compliment I could ever hope to get on my writing here, and a big reason as to why I keep doing it. I may take breaks and come and go, but my most sincere wish is to get people engaged and talking to one another; and for singles or those who are feeling lonely, I always hope that maybe these talks can help build a community to which people might feel they belong.

Welcome to the forum and we're glad you're here!

And thank you again for taking the time to post.

Hey Everyone,

For some reason, I am dreading Christmas this year. I don't know why, I just am. The long-timers here know my story in a nutshell -- I had a husband once, who moved out without telling me in the middle of the day while I was at work, then later sent me divorce papers through the mail. He eventually remarried and had a family; I went on a year or two later and was in a relationship with an alcoholic who eventually couldn't care for his kids, so it was a bit like being a single parent during that time. But after that relationship ended, I've been by myself ever since.

My ex-husband left in September, right before the holidays, which used to be my favorite time of year. For me, they have been overshadowed by dark clouds ever since, because for me, the holidays signals the loss of the life I had once dreamed of, and never did go on to find. I'm certainly not trying to say that marriage or having kids is the answer to everything or even that having any of this makes the holidays better. Rather, I'm just saying, this is my own situation and I'm wondering how others in similar circumstances cope.

I often wonder if my ex is having a wonderful time with his new wife and kids, and I have to admit, it fills my heart with sadness.

The best holiday I have ever had since then was when I went to visit a friend in prison on Thanksgiving Day. For whatever reason, my family had to cancel that year, so instead, I drove about 80 minutes to the prison, then went through all the necessary rigamarole for the visit, only to be told by the female guard that she didn't like the subtly sparkly top I was wearing (it was a church outfit for goodness sake.) She felt it would attract too much attention, and that she refused to let me in.

I thereby drove to 3 different gas stations (it was hard enough finding one open on T-Day in the USA,) proceeded to buy a huge 3X, waffled, long-sleeve thermal shirt (I normally wear a size M, but this was all they had) and, determined more than ever, plopped myself right back into the waiting room to go through the whole process all over again. (Have I ever mentioned that I can be a bit headstrong?)

This time, seeing that my new threads made me look like a padded-up football player, the guard let me in, and was kind enough to say, "Thank you for not yelling at me." I told her, "I understand, I work with the public too, and you're just trying to do your job." She thanked me for trying to see things from her perspective. That alone was a big lesson to me about how we can be witnesses in the smallest of ways.

My friend was, of course, shocked to see me. "What in the world are you doing here?!" he said. I answered with a slight mischievous grin while digging into my pockets, "Buying you Thanksgiving dinner." Which consisted of $5-a-piece prison vending machine hot pockets and his favorite grape Fanta soda pop. The prison only allowed you to bring in coin money ($20 max), and this was when they were starting to come out with a unique US quarter for each state, so he was fascinated by all the different quarters I had brought along in my mandated clear Ziploc bag.

And this was something I'll always treasure. This time to just sit, talk honestly with a good friend, and being able to be my authentic self (sad, silly, and somber all at the same time) without having to plaster on a fake smile while being surrounded by all couples at family holiday event. I loved being able to share a part of the outside world with him that he had never seen before.

But the visit also brought things sharply into perspective for me, as it made me realize how much I needed to work harder on gratitude and never taking my family for granted. I was there the entire time during visiting hours, and out of a 300-man block, only about 3 other inmates had visitors that day. My friend told me that without the phone calls, letters, and visits he got from his mom and me, he would have felt completely forgotten and would have "turned into a bitter soul."

(For anyone who's curious, he has been out for several years now and God has helped him immensely. He has a full-time job, runs his own business on the side, and has completely turned his life around.) We have never dated, as that didn't seem to be in the cards (we also live across the country from each other and have complicated lives,) but we often reminisce about those "old times."

I met this friend through a ministry that served inmates, and I told God today that maybe it was time for me to find something else like that again to help fill this empty, gaping whole of loneliness and uselessness that's constantly nagging at my heart. (I stopped doing prison ministry when another young woman in a similar ministry was found, shot, and killed by an escaped inmate, and I believe God told me my time of doing this was over for now.)

But I will be ever grateful for the chance to visit my friend at the prison that Thanksgiving, because it was something I'll never forget and will always carry with me.

What about the rest of you? And for our married friends, feel free to chime in as well. We singles sometimes think that finding a spouse and/or having a family is the answer to our loneliness, but it can be eye-opening to hear what marrieds and those with families are really going through themselves.

* What are the holidays like for you? Joyful, full of eager anticipation, or lonely, hard to get through -- and perhaps a mix of both?

* Do you feel lonely during the holidays? Is there something that makes it better or worse than any other time of the year?

* How do you cope with the feelings you have during these times? What steps do you take, and what actions, Bible passages, etc. help you through?

* What are some of your best, and most challenging, holiday moments?

Thank you for allowing me to share what's been on my heart -- now, I would really like to hear what's been on yours.

But, I'm not miserable in my own company, and I have plenty of hobbies and interests. And, as long as I have my TV to provide human voices, I won't be stuffing any grass into a soccer ball named Shirley any time soon.

I'm sorry about the loss of your wife. That must be devastating.

May I ask what "stuffing any grass into a soccer ball named Shirley" means?

You lost me there.

I'm sorry about the loss of your wife. That must be devastating.

May I ask what "stuffing any grass into a soccer ball named Shirley" means?

You lost me there.

It's a "Cast Away" reference

Tom Hanks and "Wilson" the soccer ball... His only companion while lost on a desert island.

Except that now we know Gojira's soccer ball is named Shirley.

Hey Everyone,

For some reason, I am dreading Christmas this year. I don't know why, I just am. The long-timers here know my story in a nutshell -- I had a husband once, who moved out without telling me in the middle of the day while I was at work, then later sent me divorce papers through the mail. He eventually remarried and had a family; I went on a year or two later and was in a relationship with an alcoholic who eventually couldn't care for his kids, so it was a bit like being a single parent during that time. But after that relationship ended, I've been by myself ever since.

My ex-husband left in September, right before the holidays, which used to be my favorite time of year. For me, they have been overshadowed by dark clouds ever since, because for me, the holidays signals the loss of the life I had once dreamed of, and never did go on to find. I'm certainly not trying to say that marriage or having kids is the answer to everything or even that having any of this makes the holidays better. Rather, I'm just saying, this is my own situation and I'm wondering how others in similar circumstances cope.

I often wonder if my ex is having a wonderful time with his new wife and kids, and I have to admit, it fills my heart with sadness.

The best holiday I have ever had since then was when I went to visit a friend in prison on Thanksgiving Day. For whatever reason, my family had to cancel that year, so instead, I drove about 80 minutes to the prison, then went through all the necessary rigamarole for the visit, only to be told by the female guard that she didn't like the subtly sparkly top I was wearing (it was a church outfit for goodness sake.) She felt it would attract too much attention, and that she refused to let me in.

I thereby drove to 3 different gas stations (it was hard enough finding one open on T-Day in the USA,) proceeded to buy a huge 3X, waffled, long-sleeve thermal shirt (I normally wear a size M, but this was all they had) and, determined more than ever, plopped myself right back into the waiting room to go through the whole process all over again. (Have I ever mentioned that I can be a bit headstrong?)

This time, seeing that my new threads made me look like a padded-up football player, the guard let me in, and was kind enough to say, "Thank you for not yelling at me." I told her, "I understand, I work with the public too, and you're just trying to do your job." She thanked me for trying to see things from her perspective. That alone was a big lesson to me about how we can be witnesses in the smallest of ways.

My friend was, of course, shocked to see me. "What in the world are you doing here?!" he said. I answered with a slight mischievous grin while digging into my pockets, "Buying you Thanksgiving dinner." Which consisted of $5-a-piece prison vending machine hot pockets and his favorite grape Fanta soda pop. The prison only allowed you to bring in coin money ($20 max), and this was when they were starting to come out with a unique US quarter for each state, so he was fascinated by all the different quarters I had brought along in my mandated clear Ziploc bag.

And this was something I'll always treasure. This time to just sit, talk honestly with a good friend, and being able to be my authentic self (sad, silly, and somber all at the same time) without having to plaster on a fake smile while being surrounded by all couples at family holiday event. I loved being able to share a part of the outside world with him that he had never seen before.

But the visit also brought things sharply into perspective for me, as it made me realize how much I needed to work harder on gratitude and never taking my family for granted. I was there the entire time during visiting hours, and out of a 300-man block, only about 3 other inmates had visitors that day. My friend told me that without the phone calls, letters, and visits he got from his mom and me, he would have felt completely forgotten and would have "turned into a bitter soul."

(For anyone who's curious, he has been out for several years now and God has helped him immensely. He has a full-time job, runs his own business on the side, and has completely turned his life around.) We have never dated, as that didn't seem to be in the cards (we also live across the country from each other and have complicated lives,) but we often reminisce about those "old times."

I met this friend through a ministry that served inmates, and I told God today that maybe it was time for me to find something else like that again to help fill this empty, gaping whole of loneliness and uselessness that's constantly nagging at my heart. (I stopped doing prison ministry when another young woman in a similar ministry was found, shot, and killed by an escaped inmate, and I believe God told me my time of doing this was over for now.)

But I will be ever grateful for the chance to visit my friend at the prison that Thanksgiving, because it was something I'll never forget and will always carry with me.

What about the rest of you? And for our married friends, feel free to chime in as well. We singles sometimes think that finding a spouse and/or having a family is the answer to our loneliness, but it can be eye-opening to hear what marrieds and those with families are really going through themselves.

* What are the holidays like for you? Joyful, full of eager anticipation, or lonely, hard to get through -- and perhaps a mix of both?

* Do you feel lonely during the holidays? Is there something that makes it better or worse than any other time of the year?

* How do you cope with the feelings you have during these times? What steps do you take, and what actions, Bible passages, etc. help you through?

* What are some of your best, and most challenging, holiday moments?

Thank you for allowing me to share what's been on my heart -- now, I would really like to hear what's been on yours.

You know, I think you are blessed and lucky to have been married and to have had a relationship. I'm in my mid 30s and besides my martial arts dreams, I have had nothing. No girlfriend. Not even a girl who is a friend. Maybe I have girls who are friends but I don't talk to them. Obviously never married anyone because there wasn't anyone like that in my life.

I have spent some happy Christmases in my life. But there have been sad ones where I have cried too.

I know that talking about sadness can be negative to some people. But you asked. So, I'll tell you how my average Christmas is.

I come from a broken home. I live with my mom and bro. So we're 3 different people with our differences.

Depression can take over at times because of misunderstood conversations and this happens between me and my mom. There have been a lot of times where there are family fights. So, it's all not that good.

A good Christmas day is when I celebrate Christmas for going for Church service with my family. My brother has stopped coming to Church because of his political and atheistic views and it has greatly affected me and my mother as we are a God fearing family and we both love God though me and mom don't see eye to eye on many things, be it life or religion.

Other than that, we put up the tree and decorations at home. Have good home cooked food.

I used to visit my college Friend's home but that stopped a few years back because of a misunderstanding thanks to my mom. This is during Christmas time.

Christmases since 2019 have been very lonely for me. And even my life had been very lonely. It's not an easy life. It's hard.

I hardly talk these days to friends. I've been betrayed and robbed off my money by a very trusted friend over a ponzi scheme. It hurt me very badly and made me feel used. This happened around Christmas time. He would have gone on cheating me had it not been for my bro who called him out as a crook.

To me, an average Christmas is Christmas service at the Church, decorations home and good food at the table. But that is so much more than what so many others have in this world, so I thank God for that.

I lost my father and grandfather soon after Christmas.

I also got my first job during the December season around Christmas.

i had my first heartbreak around Christmas too.

So, all those things happened around this time.

But to me, I still feel the happiest around this time. Christmas time for me is like no other time. We celebrate the birth of Our Lord. So, it's special for me. It's more special than any other day. Christmas day and Easter day are two days where I feel very happy.

Hi @justahumanbeing ,

Thank you for taking the time to post.

You said that I am "blessed and lucky" to have had a relationship and marriage. Well I guess it all depends on how you look at it. I wrote a bit about this in the original post, but it did not wind up being a healthy or happy marriage at all. Toward the end, the last 6-8 months, we lived on opposite ends of the house. He refused to talk to me about anything except for a day that he told me, "I have a job interview in (another city, almost 2 hours away,)" and I knew he was saying, "I am on without you.") He told me nothing of any of his plans other than that.

It was a long time ago, so I forget all the time frames, but I came home to find the house half gone. He had moved out without telling me while I was at work. At one point, he came back, but only for about a month, and then he was gone again, this time forever. Some time later, I got papers in the mail with the headline, "You Are Being Sued For Divorce."

He never gave me a reason why. The good Christian community told me I didn't have a Biblical divorce and so, in my 20's, I was told that in order to obey God, I could never date or marry anyone again, because remarriage would be adultery. I was in graduate school at the time, and I eventually broke. I left the area to take on a full-time job to pay the bills I was now responsible for on my own.

A long time after that (at least 6 months, maybe almost a year? It's all blurry now...) one of my friends called me at 2 in the morning and said, "There is something you need to know." My ex had stayed in the same area I had left, and he and his girlfriend (a co-worker of ours) had finally gone public. He had left me because he had fallen in love with her, and she had left her long-term boyfriend to be with him.

Years later, I found out he remarried and had kids. I've never done either.

It's the age old question -- Is it better to have loved and lost, or to have never loved at all? I still debate which one would have been less painful. For me, one of the reasons the marriage had been so important to me is because of the numerous rejections I'd had in my own life. I had thought I had finally found a place where I belonged, when in the end, what really happened is that I was simply replaced.

When we had our divorce hearing in court (the last time I ever saw him or spoke to him, except for when he called me to get something he was storing for his girlfriend at our former residence,) all I was hearing him tell the judge and everyone else in the room is he didn't want me anymore, and just wanted to be rid of me in every way possible to move on with his life.

Was I lucky and blessed to have had that marriage? I tend to think not. I've had lots of other people who have experienced continual rejection in their own lives tell me I was blessed to be married, but I guess it's one of those things where the only way to know is to live through it and then come to a conclusion. There are so many things I wish I could go back in time and change, and perhaps one of them is that maybe I should have never have met him at all. And I say all of this not for pity, but only to say, I honestly believe I wound up in a much worse place, both emotionally and chronologically, for having gone through this. It left damage I will always carry.

This is just myself, but I found that what was even worse than rejection was having someone vow to love you and be with you for the rest of your life, only to decide he felt he had made a huge mistake and then wanted to be with someone else instead. For me, one of the most broken things about this life is that someone can go from being your spouse one day to literally a stranger in the world the next, and then go on to be someone else's spouse instead.

I am also adopted, and while I am ever most grateful for my adopted parents, that also means that for whatever ungiven reason, my birth parents rejected and did not want me. Knowing that both my biological parents and now my husband didn't want to have anything to do with me was too much for me to handle at the time, and is still too much if I really start to think about it. Again, I say this not for pity, but because I understand how deeply rejection cuts.

Rejection is indeed horrible and I am so sorry for all the rejections and losses you've had in your own life. It certainly sounds like you have many more than your fair share.

It's a great testimony to your faith and God's presence in your life that you still feel joy around Christmas, even with so many things going wrong.

I hope you will have a wonderful Christmas this year as well, and I'll say a prayer for you and your Mom. God bless you for clinging on to what is truly important in this life, our hope in Christ.

Was I lucky and blessed to have had that marriage? I tend to think not.

(in my my best Kevin James) Shuddee!!
Do you able to PM?. If so send me one.