The Banned Game

It was time to leave Rangimarie Retreat

A flock of seagulls had descended near Sister/President Lanolins reading hammock and had disturbed her peace.

Mate!mate mate mate

What? Kevin's been burgled?!

mate mate mate mate

Huh. It must be those rascally Mosetarian eagles ...again!

mate mate mate mate

Well you go poo on their cars again

mate mate mate

Oh alright its getting crowded here with all the Susssexes anyway

There! A guy looking like a lobster had the device in his possession. Been baking for too long in the sun. Pretty much like snowbirds coming down to the south. Ridiculous, he thought. How could he lure him? Oh yeah, he went forward with his little sun screen business. “Sun screening remedies for sale! Just one of ‘em left! Save your self from malignant experiences and apply my sun screen!” he yelled like a snake oil salesman.

The device guy waved at Mr S to approach him. “You selling?” he asked. “Sure thing, mister, and allow me to say you really need some”, Mr S said sleazily, yet nicely. “Yes, I do, this sunbathing stuff don’t sit well with me”, Kevin informed Mr S.

The sun screen had one secret ingredient, the Formula EM. It was a sedative making anyone applying it to the skin fall asleep for five minutes. Enough of time to steal the device and disappear. Kevin fell asleep and Mr S took the device.

Why give it to Ms Elly May, he thought to himself, I should become Emperor! I’ll ban them both. He mashed the banning button and Ms EM and Ms Jenny was sent back to where they came from.

Thats odd, thought President Lanolin, did Kevin have TWO banning devices? And they were BOTH stolen?
Poor Kevin. I hope he filed a police report.

Oh well she could always order a magic wand from Megs, Pegs, Legs and Wigs. They now had them available on special, along with various tiaras.

The Lanolinland Police Guinea Pigs filed a report on the stolen property

Missing - 2 Banning Devices
One in possession of Mosestarian Eagles and the other in Mr S of Jennymaesia

This banning device is dangerous if fallen into the wrong hands, reported the guinea pigs. Especially human hands. There is no telling how many lives will be ruined, it would be like those blacklisted by the HUAC in 1950s America under McCarthyism or those labelled Foreign Running Dog Capitalist Roaders by Chairman Mao in 1960s China's 'Cultural Revolution' ...or the Troubles in Ireland, or Ethnic cleansing in Serbia-Croatia or even Apartheid South Africa. Not that the guinea pigs really paid much attention to international relations and politics of course. They just cared where their next carrot stick was coming from.

If carrots were banned, they would have to eat beetroots instead. And some guinea pigs did NOT like beetroots.

Miss Ruby was walking along the beach on the Ruby triangle when a device of some sort washed up on the shore. She picked it up and began to examine it wondering what it was. Underneath the device in small print was written "banning device" Miss Ruby pressed the red button several times unknowingly banning everybody on this thread except for Morty of course (whom she cannot remember if she had married yet on a previous episode)

Everyone now on this thread was officially banned leaving Miss Ruby to have world domination where she would once and for all prove that the world is neither round or flat but indeed triangular.

Unfortunately for Miss Ruby on this occasion, she was only partially right. You see, when she checked the Earth for corners, she did indeed only find 3, and therefore imagined it to be some sort of triangle shape. However, before she had gotten to it, one of the many pets from the philistine queen Lanolin's menagerie had escaped, and managed to knock the flat, rectangular Earth off the shelf, breaking off one of its corners in the process and giving it a more triangular shape. Hence Miss Ruby's error. (Miss Ruby kept shelves on the sea shore).

Obviously, she was also quite distracted, as it had been some years since her wedding to Morty, and they now had three young children to look after. Morty was a great husband and father, but could be a little absent-minded. On this occasion, he had forgotten to replace the batteries in the banning device, leaving the world somewhat less dominated than the unsuspecting Miss Ruby would have liked.

Miss Greenlips Hine was staying at Keishas bach as she was having a short break before heading up to Cape Reinga to make sure the Kelp Kurtain at the top of Lanolinland didnt have any holes or gaps in it.

Keisha had taken the chipmunks and chippettes up North after the Santa Parade to have some forest bathing time and met up with Miss Greenlips Hine there.

The chipmunks were overjoyed to see Miss Greenlips Hine again.

Keisha was relieved to have another pet sitter as the Chipmunks were hard work keeping track of when they were around the Chippettes.
She turned on the Lanovision. Time to relax with her favourite tv show, the Crown. This time it was showing Princess Charlotte adopting a kitten in Antarctica by batting her eyelashes.

That Princess Charlotte! Keisha said. Shes the one to watch. What a thief. she'll steal anything that isnt nailed down for her pet collection. Shes already got a unicorn and giant bunny. Now a kitten?

The Chippettes noted that they had not seen Princess Charlotte when they were in Evereverland. Wheres the remote, can we change the channel? asked Brittany

We want to watch Shortland Street. Mrs Hairy's on it

They searched for the remote, but couldnt find it anywhere.

Ms Jenny wasn’t sure why the sun was so hot whenever she woke up next morning, neither could she figure out why the air was so humid, wasn’t the AC working? The bed was uncomfortable and the pillow was not soft enough. She tried to open her eyes but sleep was still prevailing. An abrupt knocking on some metal made her wide awake. “Jenny! I’m outta coffee, gal! Git your sorry trailer door open before I kick it down!” The voice was the one of Ms Iris-Lill. The only thing beautiful about her was her name. What was she doing in Jennymaesia? While her eyes slowly was adjusting to the daylight she realized that this was her ragged old trailer. And for sure, the trailer had never been outside the trailer park after she got it. Ms Iris-Lill was still hollering on the outside.

She opened the door. “Bout time ya gidn up, reckon ya been on ‘em all-nighters again!” Ms Iris-Lill yelled at her. Ms Jenny couldn’t wrap her head around the situation. Last night she went to bed in her posh bed in her palace, and now…she was back in her old trailer. “They’re hiring people now, them cleaning folks, but they ain’t gonna take in no lazy girl layin’ up all day!” Ms Iris-Lill informed. “Girl? I’m almost 40”, Ms Jenny said surprised. “40? You? No miss, far as I know you’re not even 20”, Ms Iris-Lill said with a dumb look on her face, “I’m surprised ya ain’t been knocked up yet, gals like you usually have three kids before 20…with three different fathers”.

Ms Iris-Lill barged into the trailer and went straight for the coffee. “Where’s Charles?” Ms Jenny said out loud to herself. “Charles?” Ms Iris-Lill mocked her. “He’s yer last night special?” Ms Jenny froze. “No, he’s my fiancé!” Ms Iris-Lill rolled her eyes. “Fiancé? You? You ain’t had no beau for more than two days in yer life…or rather nights”, she laughed wickedly.

Captain Hull Loss was very much enjoying himself.

Not only had he left First Officer Engine Failure and the anonymous, dog-faced, governmental agent back in the year 2022, now he could spend more time with his beautiful Lieutenant.

At first, he believed that he would have the privilege of two lovely ladies to accompany him on his intrepid adventures. However, the Empress had proved even more difficult than she was beautiful, barking orders at him worse than the governmental agent had. He'd actually been a little relieved when she had been engulfed in a bright, white and blue light, and shrieked something about "a banning device" and "I've been betrayed by Ms Elly May of the Jennymaesian resistance movement" and "Help, I'm being sent back to that place from whence I came!" before disappearing in a flash.

Lieutenant Blondie had immediately blamed Captain Hull Loss, telling him that such were the consequences of overriding the time-reel conveyancer, but Captain Hull Loss was certain it was something else, because all these occurrences had occurred several moments before he had overidden the time-reel conveyancer.

The good times of Captain Hull Loss were sadly interrupted with a large bump, and his ship coming to a standstill. The view screen showed the latest crash site. Several young children were scampering mischievously about a decrepit and unsanitary old house, with a large, unkempt, overweight woman carrying a beer in one hand, and yet another child in the other. "Elly May!" a man's voice bellowed over the view-screen, as it showed the large woman hurrying as fast as her stumpy legs would carry her toward the shouting, "Fetch me another beer!"

The guinea pigs couldnt find the remote to switch off the Mosetarian tv that mysteriously started screening and spewing its garbage like contents randomly at the viewer.

It looked like it was showing a clip from Whats eating Gilbert Grape. The movie with the overweight mama who was eating everyone out of house and home.

The guinea pigs tried to shield their eyes, but it was no use. It was even worse than they feared. The Blue Milk!!!

kea kea kea cried the keas

What is it now?! Huffed President Lanolin. She was back at the Beehive and the second she had returned she'd found that behind her back those Mosetarians had been stealing her stuff AGAIN. What had Kevin been doing? He was supposed to have kept them away by making out that Lanolinland was a backward country full of sheep and nothing worth stealing.

Kevin said that it wasnt the Mosestarians this time it was the Jennymaesians.

The Jennymaesians?! They shouldnt be stealing stuff, why would they steal OUR stuff when they have pots of money and they can just buy it?

I have no idea, said Kevin, shrugging.

Well, said President Lanolin, thankfully we have insurance that will cover those banned devices. She thought of the SSSS in Antarctica. Santa Claus was now extremely busy at this time of year.

It was chaotic in Jennymaesia. The Empress was nowhere to be found. They had been searching everywhere.

Meanwhile, in the green forests of the Great State of Alabama, a young girl tried to fix some supper on a stove where the hose had been temporarily fixed with duct tape. Outside she could hear drunken people brawling. She had sent away three suitors already, but they kept coming. All of them fully charged up with moonshine. Her worn out dress was so dirty she could no longer tell the stains from the color of the fabric.

Back in Jennymaesia Charles was devastated. He couldn’t find Ms Jenny nowhere. Lanolinland was accusing them of stealing, but it obviously was the resistance which was the perpetrators. Shame on them!

In a tavern near the harbor he finally was able to hunt down Kevin. He tried to dodge Charles’ questions, but after a few glasses of brandy he spilled his gut. For a fistful of dollars Charles was now the owner of the banning device.

He went through the banning history of the device. Interesting, somebody had used it to ban Jimmy Hoffa back in the day. Charles pushed the unban button. All the banned people would now return.

Miss Tailfeather asked Miss Bluebell what the banning device did. Miss Bluebell had mysteriously acquired one and said if she pushed the red button, she could ban rednecks, but if she pushed the green button, plants would grow.

Miss Tailfeather examined the device. It didnt look as good as the magic wand President Lanolin had shown her. Besides, batteries werent included in the banning device and without batteries, the whole thing was useless.

James Riddle Hoffa, a.k.a. Jimmy, infamous labor leader, and president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters from 1958 to 1971, mysteriously vanished on July 30, 1975.

On the fateful day, Hoffa left home in his green Pontiac Grand Ville to meet two fellow mobsters for lunch at the Machus Red Fox Restaurant, at 2:00 p.m. Shortly thereafter, Hoffa called his wife to say that the two Tonys had not yet arrived.

Unbeknownst to his wife Josie, young Jimmy had taken the opportunity to quickly log into CC, and succeeded in making a scathing-but-amusing post on the Banned Thread, much to the delight of his Banned Thread acquaintences and the chagrin of a certain great, great, great, great, great Grandma Rubina, who in those days, didn't have so many greats in her title.

Unfortunately for young Jimmy, certain folks in those times took a stern view toward such insulting posts, and before either of the two Tonys had even arrived for lunch, young Jimmy had become victim to one of CC's first perma-bans.

Charles pushed the unban button a second time, and then a third. It seemed that some usernames, such as the one used by poor, young Jimmy, could not be unbanned, no matter how many times the unban button was depressed. Charles shrugged. It wasn't as if he would even recognise Jimmy if he did return. His attention went back to the banned history, until he came across another username. "GG's awesome mom", Charles spoke aloud. "Now, I wonder if the unban button will work with her?"

Down at SSSS Antarctica, the shoeboxes were piling up. They were almost ready to ship. Magic Wands were especially popular amongst girls, and BDs (banning devices) amongst boys. If everyone had one, the world would surely be a better place, thought Mrs Santa Claus.

No more uncooked chickens, and no more smelly feet.
No more insulting, scathing posts and MTV from Mosetaria and no more spam from Rubyland. No more imitation fake news from Jennymaesia. And no more transfatty donuts from Shittimstan.

Surprisingly, nobody had asked for Crocs this year. This was odd as the Fifa World Cup was coming up and surely the teams needed footwear. There was only one request from the Kindagartners and that was for a T-shirt that said ' I won the Banned Game'

The twister appeared out of nothing. Ms Jenny had just dodged an intense suitor and was on her way home preparing for supper. In a second she was trapped in the roaring whirlwind and up she went. A terrified squirrel was unwillingly holding her company. The twister slowed down and made a complete stop outside a peculiar building. A sign read: “CC Banning, Unbanning and Rebanning Services Ltd”. A stern voice could be heard. “Unbanned people, please enter through the main door”. Ms Jenny took her chances and went in through the main door. A man sat behind an enormous desk. His title was “Idiot in Chief”. He waved her forward. It had to be the feared man who only went by “Oncefallen”.

“Ms Jenny, you were banned, and rightfully so I must add, but somebody has, accidentally I’m assuming, pushed the unban button. The rules, unfortunately, are clear on this. Much to the board’s regret I’m now obliged to unban you”. He had a strict look on his face. “Thank you”, Ms Jenny said gratefully. “Be aware, though, I’m watching you”, he said gravely. He then waved a wand and Ms Jenny was back in her palace. The squirrel too.

Charles was surprised to put it mildly when she suddenly appeared in the palace. “Jenny!” he exclaimed happily. The squirrel wanted a part of the action and was running in circles around them. “Hey, who’s your little friend?” Charles laughed. “Oh, just a little squirl which decided to ride shotgun”, she giggled. Charles looked baffled at her. “A what? Squirl? You mean squirrel?” Ms Jenny nodded. “Yeah, a squirl!” Charles smiled. “It’s a squirrel, not a squirl”. Ms Jenny laughed too. “Of course, a squirl”. Ms Jenny went red. She couldn’t for the sake of her life say it like Charles. Her tongue wouldn’t cooperate. She tried several times but to no avail. “You can’t pronounce it, right?” Charles asked. “It’s just the accent”, she said tentatively, but it was really like her tongue was unable to pronounce the “e”.

Harry and Meghan filmed themselves at Rangimarie Retreat for future posterity. They hooked up with Sir Peter Jackson and asked if they could be in the next Chipmunks movie.

William and Kate were on the Crown on the rival channel and it was like Coronation Street vs Eastenders all over again.

Mrs Olive had banned both from the Lanovision so her wwoofers could concentrate on collecting honey. They dont need to watch those soap operas. she said. Especially when they can learn so much from watching Country Calendar. She pushed the red button on the banning device. When that didnt work she waved Miss Tailfeathers magic wand.

The royal soap operas vanished into thin air...forever.

President Lanolin found herself sitting in her office swivel chair in the Beehive, overlooking the agapanthus, olive trees and strawberries.

She sipped her cup of kawakawa tea. She looked out the window to the Wellington Harbour. It was a fine day, with not too much wind

Just then their was a knock at the door. Come in she said.

A tall woman with long dark hair and shiny white teeth strode into the office. She looked fierce, like she meant business.

Excuse me, what are you doing sitting in MY chair? asked Jacinda Ardern

The Great Chieftain turned up the volume on his International Spy Vision.

He had decided to tune in the Philistine Queen/Editor of Lanolinland, to see what the latest fake news being peddled would be. It also happened to be the same moment that Jacinda Adern strode into the Queen's office.

The inbuilt Artificial Intelligence within the International Spy Vision recognised Jacinda as somebody similar is appearance, and began playing the theme music for Mr Ed - "A horse is a horse, of course, of course, And no one can talk to a horse of course, That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr Ed..."

Indeed, it took the Great Chieftain himself several more moments to realise that the figure striding into the Queen's office was not the esteemed gelding from the 1960s sitcom resurrected back to life after 60 odd years by some dark arts on a bad hair day, but was in fact someone darker, more sinister, more evil...

The Great Chieftain waited in suspense, to see which entity would strike first. Despite his disdain for philistines, on this occasion, he was actually rooting for the Queen of Lanolinland, given the horse-faced creature's reputation, lies and corruption...

Jacinda Adern couldnt believe that while she was off getting her Harvard degree in politics that the country had got on fine without her and it was being now ruled by one President Lanolin, former librarian, Miss Greenlips Hine, cultural seafood ambassador for greenlip mussels, supermodel Rachel Hunter, a sheep farmer named Kevin, Mrs Olives wwoofers and a bunch of guinea pigs.

Lanolinland!
Who'd ever heard of it? Had she changed the flag as well?!

Look Miss Lanolin, I think you should go back to the library. You dont appear to know anything about running a country of this size and standing, nor do you have the chops to be on the world stage. Jacinda flashed her white teeth smile and her dangly earrings.

Miss Lanolin pushed off the swivel chair so it went shooting backwards and did a wheelie, if you could call it that in her office chair. She then pulled the lever on the chair so that it shot up to Jacindas eye level.

I think the kiwis think differently...said Lanolin, gesturing outside the window of the Beehive

Jacinda gasped, as she saw that there were thousands of kiwis marching down Lambton Quay with little picket signs tied to their beaks. There were also penguins, kakapos, keas, albatrosses, ducks and pukekos and bringing up the rear, giant moas all coming toward the Beehive. They had come to demonstrate that they loved Lanolinland under President Lanolin's rule and would never let it go to the dogs again.