After 21 years, we're done :(

Jesus4Eva · Nov 27, 2022

This is hard for me to post about but I really could use some advice from anyone that has gone thru this or is currently going thru it or even someone that just has advice about it in general

After 21 years, I am currently in the middle of a divorce due to my ex's unfaithfulness, mental abuse and more. We do have 3 teenage kids together, ages 19, 17, and 15. Emotionally It has been the biggest rollercoaster ride of my life.

I can't wait till it's over but yet I am afraid of the future and the feeling of being alone for how long.

I have family that supports my decision but I don't trust them so I leave out the info on why we are going thru it. He blames me for his unfaithfulness and is spreading rumors about me to.

Anyways, I am looking for advice on a few things:
1..We are still currently living together. Have you or anyone you know had to live with your ex because you couldn't afford to move out? Or for whatever other reason.
2..What is ok and not ok to tell people? I want to talk about it to people but yet I don't want to say too much or even complain or cause drama. I also have so much to vent and I feel like I want to scream at him but I'm afraid of what he will say about me to others or even to our kids. He's already blaming me for his unfaithfulness

3...How did you get thru the holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas? So far they seem fine but even tho the Ex was here physically he wasn't here mentally. I was fine with that but our kids were not. And What about when we are moved out of the same place, and I dont have the kids next year for the holidays.

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for anyone that can help in anyway.

Gojira · Nov 27, 2022

Geeez... I'm sorry. I have never gone through this, but have two friends who may be doing this in the near future. I have nothing to say outside of mindless clichés, and I don't do those.

Cameron143 · Nov 27, 2022

Jesus4Eva said:

I went through a divorce after nearly 30 years of marriage so I truly understand what you are going through. We had 7 children together and I was deeply concerned what impact a divorce would have on the children. And before my ex left, we lived at opposite ends of the house for 14 months.
I tell you all of this because I had many of the same feelings you are experiencing now.
Some things to know:
1. Many states require a term of physical separation in order to apply for a divorce. Where I live it was a year. So you should inquire concerning the laws where you live.
2. Having a close friend or spiritual leader in your life to help you give voice to your concerns at this time will prove invaluable. I wouldn't advise publicly airing private family matters. No one benefits from this--especially not the kids.
3. There are no winners in divorce--everyone loses. So holidays will probably be very difficult.

A personal note:
The best thing that could happen here is for your marriage to be healed. Trust me when I say I understand your reluctance to this idea. But I assure you, God CAN heal your marriage if you will but ask. I'm not saying it won't be a trying process. I'm saying it is pleasing to Him when we set aside our desires unto obedience.
Also, you are still married until you aren't. Your husband may have played fast and loose with his wedding vow, but you are still responsible before God for yours.
I will be much in prayer for you, your husband, and your children. If I can ever be of assistance, just let me know.

Lanolin · Nov 27, 2022

1. I think in my country you had to be separated or living apart for 2 years. I know a divorced friend who went back to live with her parents, though there wasnt much room for her 2 kids, however they did see her. I think it takes a bit of time to secure a separate residence for each party. and its different who decides to leaves and who stays, or whether the family home is sold off. For wealthier couples, its relatively easy, they just get the second home or holiday home.

2. when a neighbours family split, the parents told us, and why but also, they announced it in church, but didnt give details there. When a cousins marriage broke up, I think they told us, but they didnt really give details on why. I think for those of us who were at their weddings and supported them were understandaly shocked and dismayed. But regarding unfaithfulness, we had to accept that the marriage couldnt go on if one or both were lying to each other. (often for months if not years)

3. I dont know how split couples sort this out. from what I know of divorced children, they take turns and are often travelling back and forth between parents. Not ideal but thats the reality.

Since your children are older they can probably handle it better and have an element of choice on which parent they see, but I would be careful on relying or depending on your children too much - they really dont want to be in a position of having to look after their parent emotionally and being the substitute husband, breadwinner, etc. I suppose thats where God steps in.

Lanolin · Nov 27, 2022

above is just general advice I havent gone through it myself but just know so many divorcees through work and church, school etc its not funny. The heartache and struggle and trauma of divorce is real

I think for children they need to talk about stuff with friends that things arent going so well with their family. They also need somewhere neutral to go. For many church can be that place or refuge, where they wont be judged. But theres other places as well. Also they can talk to God about it, Hes no stranger to humans sinfulness and the crazy stuff we do.

Jesus4Eva · Nov 27, 2022

Cameron143 said:

Thank you for your prayers. I really appreciate them.

I'm sorry you went thru that. I couldn't imagine how you did it alone with 7 kids tho. :hugs (Man! No hug emoji? We need more emoji's in this group lol)

We filed the divorce in early October of this year. Our state is only 4 months for the physical separation time. When we officially filed, it makes us legally separated and I don't need his permission for anything (loans, etc) So our court date is set for early next year to be finalized. I believe that's the only one we need too, since we are doing this ProSe (pronounced ProSay)

I am in a divorce care group at a local church but unfortunately there's only one other person in the group besides me and we haven't even met yet.

We meet once a week and I've only been to 2 classes so far so maybe this week we will? lol I sure hope so. I could use another friend that relates to what I am going thru

I have prayed for years (in tears) for God to restore our marriage, but my X wasn't ever interested. My X has more important things in his life than me and even for 2 out of 3 of his own kids.

He made that clear when he told me how unimportant I am to him.

Oh believe me, I will not be seeing anyone before this is official. I need to find all the pieces of me and put them back together before I can enter a new relationship. I'm not entering a new relationship with all this baggage. Even though I fear the loneliness of it, I know that God will bring the right man in my life some day.

Cameron143 · Nov 27, 2022

Jesus4Eva said:

Thank you for your prayers. I really appreciate them.

I'm sorry you went thru that. I couldn't imagine how you did it alone with 7 kids tho. :hugs (Man! No hug emoji? We need more emoji's in this group lol)

We filed the divorce in early October of this year. Our state is only 4 months for the physical separation time. When we officially filed, it makes us legally separated and I don't need his permission for anything (loans, etc) So our court date is set for early next year to be finalized. I believe that's the only one we need too, since we are doing this ProSe (pronounced ProSay)

I am in a divorce care group at a local church but unfortunately there's only one other person in the group besides me and we haven't even met yet.

We meet once a week and I've only been to 2 classes so far so maybe this week we will? lol I sure hope so. I could use another friend that relates to what I am going thru

I have prayed for years (in tears) for God to restore our marriage, but my X wasn't ever interested. My X has more important things in his life than me and even for 2 out of 3 of his own kids.

He made that clear when he told me how unimportant I am to him.

Oh believe me, I will not be seeing anyone before this is official. I need to find all the pieces of me and put them back together before I can enter a new relationship. I'm not entering a new relationship with all this baggage. Even though I fear the loneliness of it, I know that God will bring the right man in my life some day.

Often out of our deepest sorrows come our greatest intimacy with God. Just gather the pieces. Let God reassemble.

Bingo · Nov 28, 2022

Cameron143 said:

'Amen'!
"Thank you for being you. And your words of soundness I pray brings hope to all involved in their family disturbance."

Bingo · Nov 28, 2022

Jesus4Eva said:

Thank you for your prayers. I really appreciate them.

I'm sorry you went thru that. I couldn't imagine how you did it alone with 7 kids tho. :hugs (Man! No hug emoji? We need more emoji's in this group lol)

We filed the divorce in early October of this year. Our state is only 4 months for the physical separation time. When we officially filed, it makes us legally separated and I don't need his permission for anything (loans, etc) So our court date is set for early next year to be finalized. I believe that's the only one we need too, since we are doing this ProSe (pronounced ProSay)

I am in a divorce care group at a local church but unfortunately there's only one other person in the group besides me and we haven't even met yet.

We meet once a week and I've only been to 2 classes so far so maybe this week we will? lol I sure hope so. I could use another friend that relates to what I am going thru

I have prayed for years (in tears) for God to restore our marriage, but my X wasn't ever interested. My X has more important things in his life than me and even for 2 out of 3 of his own kids.

He made that clear when he told me how unimportant I am to him.

Oh believe me, I will not be seeing anyone before this is official. I need to find all the pieces of me and put them back together before I can enter a new relationship. I'm not entering a new relationship with all this baggage. Even though I fear the loneliness of it, I know that God will bring the right man in my life some day.

"I pray you find strength and courage and to know you will endure with God and hope."

Roughsoul1991 · Nov 28, 2022

Jesus4Eva said:

This is hard for me to post about but I really could use some advice from anyone that has gone thru this or is currently going thru it or even someone that just has advice about it in general

After 21 years, I am currently in the middle of a divorce due to my ex's unfaithfulness, mental abuse and more. We do have 3 teenage kids together, ages 19, 17, and 15. Emotionally It has been the biggest rollercoaster ride of my life.

I can't wait till it's over but yet I am afraid of the future and the feeling of being alone for how long.

I have family that supports my decision but I don't trust them so I leave out the info on why we are going thru it. He blames me for his unfaithfulness and is spreading rumors about me to.

Anyways, I am looking for advice on a few things:
1..We are still currently living together. Have you or anyone you know had to live with your ex because you couldn't afford to move out? Or for whatever other reason.
2..What is ok and not ok to tell people? I want to talk about it to people but yet I don't want to say too much or even complain or cause drama. I also have so much to vent and I feel like I want to scream at him but I'm afraid of what he will say about me to others or even to our kids. He's already blaming me for his unfaithfulness

3...How did you get thru the holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas? So far they seem fine but even tho the Ex was here physically he wasn't here mentally. I was fine with that but our kids were not. And What about when we are moved out of the same place, and I dont have the kids next year for the holidays.

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for anyone that can help in anyway.

So sad. Wife and I just helped minister a close family through divorce a few months back. It was rough and much of what your feeling was shared by them as well after 17 years of marriage. Praying for y'all.

RodB651 · Nov 28, 2022

Jesus4Eva said:

That was my situation several years back. She lived upstairs, I lived downstairs. The reason for that was mostly on my part. I felt that if she wanted out, she should be the one to leave. My lawyer also said, whatever you do, do NOT move out of that house. After about a year and a half of that, I finally did leave for my own sanity and well being.

Jesus4Eva said:

What you say will depend on how close you are to those who ask I think. But until everything is over and done with, I wouldn't say much about it.

As far as the kids go, I wouldn't say anything negative about him to or around your kids. Another thing is if your kids start saying anything negative about him, even if it's true, you have to remind them that he's still their dad and it's not ok to do that.

Jesus4Eva said:

You just have to get through the holidays. It gets better over time. At their ages (you listed 19, 17, and 15) it's just a matter of a few years that they be old enough and doing their own thing anyway.

I don't know if what I've said here helps. I pray all goes well for you and your kids!

CraigAllen · Nov 28, 2022

I pray for both of you! Divorce is terrible! Its almost like a reoccurring death! Ive been on both sides of the fence, although I never

cheating on my wife/partner physically.

My counselor has stayed together with her husband after 7 long term affairs he had. OMG what strength she has. She had faith in God

to be herself and raise her children. She says they have the best relationship that they have ever had now.

There is no easy answer. Its very hard!

Know that Jesus knows how both of you feel and loves you both so much, and there is a life after this, its what gets me through my day.

Again I pray for you both!

Lanolin · Nov 28, 2022

I would not blame someone for leaving because unless they want to be in a polygamous relationship and be wife number 1 of however many the husband chooses to have...I dont really know of any marriages that work that way unless they are fundamentalist mormons or muslims.

In the Bible, though Jacob had two wives at the same time. He didnt divorce Leah to marry Rachel. But then they were already sisters.

kinda · Nov 28, 2022

It's takes two to tango. I really dislike hearing only one side of a divorce/relationship break up, it's really biased, and there is no way of sorting what's fact or fiction. Is it possible at all, that you were some how partially responsible for the break up? Maybe it's 100% his fault? Is your husband just a pig-headed monster and nothing is good about him? If so, why did you marry him in the first place?

Also, for all those singles who are complaining that they can't find anyone, here is someone that found someone, and is completely miserable. So, there is two sides of a story.

Sorry for my lack empathy. I'm truly sorry that this is happening to you, it must be miserable. To put it in perspective, we are all going through something. Every person I run into, has a story. I could go on and on, but everyone is dealing with something, or somebody.

With that said, here is a video that helped get me through some rough patches in life, I hope it helps.

Lanolin · Nov 28, 2022

Or threes a crowd

I know some married men just pretend they arent even married.
Or being married is so HAAARD.

But if you have to live on separate sides of the house and you cant afford two houses, I think theres a problem. I wouldnt really want to be the one taking the first wives place. Even if she died I think I wouldnt like to always be compared to the first wife.

I mean what about Esther, King Xerxes was first married to Vashti then got tired of her, held a beauty contest and picked Esther to be his second wife/queen. But Esther didnt have it easy and she couldnt even speak up cos she feared her hsuband was going to kill her. She couldnt even reveal her true identity.

Its not said if King Xerxes had any children but he just flicked off his first wife like she was a fly.

Lanolin · Nov 28, 2022

I am sure in the Book of Vashti, she got her own happy ending. It probably wasnt a bed of roses being married to King Xerxes from the sound of it.

Can anyone say 'trophy wife.'?!

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After 21 years, we're done :(

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