I Wanted to be Special

In my Dark Night of the Soul, I am coming to a realization. Although I had a contemplative calling to seek God more spiritually and might have been better off doing so among a family of spiritual brethren in a monastic community, I did not ultimately end up in this environment not because the community failed me. I did not end up there because I was too attached to this world.

I always prided myself with the thought that I am more spiritual and not as attached to this world as others. Yet I am only now coming to see. It is only now dawning on my dense soul, that I was more attached to this world than I thought. Simply put, I wanted to be special. I wanted people to recognize me as wise, as intelligent, as singularly spiritual-- as luminary! This was my attachment.

Yet the very truth is, the greatest attainment in this world is Love. If one made Love one's ambition, one would seek out the small and lesser-known places. One would not seek to be famous or socially recognized or validated. Love can of course be expressed on every level, but it is not as powerfully expressed on the social level as it is on the personal level. Therefore, one should cherish every opportunity to learn and show personal love.

I used to feel that I did not belong in this world and that this life is a burden to me. Why am I, a lamb, among lions? This is how I saw my fellow man. So, it is a revelation indeed that I am here because I belong here after all, because like everyone else, I am unwilling to see that Love is success!

Please pray for me, out of love, if you will.

Roger

Love is NOT the 'greatest attainment' as you stated, Roger, but bowing to our Creator-God. It sounds like you have too much occupation with self, than with our Creator-God ---not wise! If one meditates on John 3; John 14; Romans 8, one might find salvation for their eternal soul, witlh peace, blessings, and assurance. It is NOT just one's belief, but an essential conversation in faith with God in prayer; receiving His "so great salvation" as He tells us in our Holy Bible. Looking elsewhere or reasoning about life and after-life, will miss the eternal hope our God has for those who embrace John 3:16 as God says in our Holy Bible.
Please write here if you wish to discuss this, friend.
--1ambassador

It appears your reply is only going to be received if Roger checks back. After having been banned do people continue to check, I wonder? I emojied that I like his testimony. At least the sentiment and the wording. It certainly sounds as though he was addressing some par amour, though not necessarily in the most base way. After some time and having some coffee and peanut butter and honey on crackers and thinking that John the Baptist would eat Locusts and honey it struck me how unloving I was toward a woman or two that seemed to love me. One of them was my mother. Actually, I first thought of the one I 'possibly' should have married. Neither one could I have ever written words to like those Roger wrote. I still don't know that I could. And even though I only thought to include my mother as I started writing this I had the most strange sensation come over me while eating my peanut butter and honey on crackers while listening to WBBM news radio report that several bodies of kidnap victims were found in a field in Merced, Ca.. I felt real sorrow. Not often have I felt that way about someone I have absolutely no sense of who they are or where they come from or whether they were saints or sinners. They may possibly have someone, had I known them that I may have held in low esteem. Admittedly, they would need be quite far down the societal ranking to engender my disdain. I am not very good at recalling chapter and verse but have a search program and the word 'love' occurs 179 times in the NT and as I understand the word 'charity', likened to 'love' occurs 28 times in the NT only starting with the book of 1 Cor.. The word 'love' also occurs in the OT. I am not sure that my Bible is as Holy as yours as I have led a relatively sinful life but when I look back with almost laser vision it seems if there was a little more love in me I may have been more receptive to God's rod but that is something which seems to be indeterminate in our present state. And strange as it may seem I always enjoyed that song that says in effect 'What the world needs now is love sweet love'. Does the Bible tell us when exactly that will happen again? Jn. 3:16 was the first outpouring; but the lyrics almost ring true. Of course this leads to the arguments regarding eschatology and that is not so much in my purview as I feel it easily gets me tripped up having been down that road in the past and although some on this site give it primacy I rather focus on the first Advent. And that makes me wonder if the word 'Grace' may not also be synonymous with 'love' as in )))))2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Maybe you are correct in your reply to Roger or possibly a reply more like I may have given had I even replied may have been more appropriate. Maybe Roger will look at these replies and look on both with contempt. I probably would have. We can't see or hear until God opens our eyes and ears it seems. Free will or Grace seems like another indeterminate at present. If you bothered to try and read this and got thru it, congratulations. As I read it, it seems as choppy as my thoughts. In AA they would say it comes across like throwing a bucket of water on a fuse box, whatever that means, it doesn't sound too good.

Thnx Magenta. Can you tell me what exactly the friendly emoji means? I have never done any kind of social networking and never paid attention to it before and I even think someone was trying to set me up for a scam via this site and I posted a msg, to RoboOp but no response and this just happened on the 3rd of Oct.. Appreciate the help. I think of you as an angel when I'm eating breakfast or lunch or whatever. Strange how some time it seems as though I was speaking with individuals on this site. And always while I'm eating. The possible set up may just have been due to my not considering the warnings that management posts. One of those guy things, when all else fails read the instructions; maybe?

Thnx again, some years ago PBS aired programs of Joseph Campbell who taught mythology at William & Mary College. He was I believe a self proclaimed agnostic at the time but would use his own 'logic' it seems to show there is as the Bible states I believe 'things created both seen and unseen'. His example of the unseen or spirit world was the reaction a person would exhibit in an emergency situation. Like possibly putting one self in harms way to rescue some stranger from a car about to go over a cliff. And he would think of his computer as having either an angel or angels in it. Again, I think he was agnostic and trying to teach about something he, 'obviously' to me now, didn't understand or tried to put his philosophy into his teachings and eventually before his death he embraced a false religion, becoming a RC. I had to write this because I keep questioning my own beliefs. Won't this guy cut it short? Me that is.

The fact that people like Joseph Campbell get a lot of attention and followers is certainly testament
to the fact that people are looking for something to answer the age old questions of meaning and
purpose in their lives. A computer with angels in it? Haha that sounds kind of funny but when I think
about it, my computer has lots of angels in it because I created so many as part of my Scripture designs

Well, you are from what I understand a relatively new believer, so you are still "settling in." I remember
realizing at some point early in my own Christian walk that I did not know how to answer the question
of whether or not Jesus was God. For me it did seem an important thing to be resolved upon, but I did
not fret about it or pressure myself to decide one way or the other. Still, eventually (and I cannot even
recall how long it took, probably not very long) I did become convinced that He was, and of course
Scripture is clear on this point also for those with eyes to see.

Another long reply! 24 Aug. 2021 I prayed that I would get some indication that I was on the right path as to what I was doing. It was late evening. I was reading passages about Jesus praying in the garden of Gethsemane and reading commentaries about same. One commentary mentioned something about the cup Jesus prayed to possibly be taken away as being turned to joy and mentioned the Greek word for joy as chara. I have a habit of checking USGS daily for years and when I checked 25 Aug 2021 there was a 4.5 mag. quake in an area where I hadn't seen a quake listed in the long time I watched. It was listed as near a 'town' in Russia called Novaya Chara. I tried to find the meaning of Chara in Russian without success and maybe its just coincidence about the exact spelling but just like I base some of my coming to believe on my several other coincidences I don't see that as anything unusual. I now think that Hebrews 1:14 happens for many people only they don't respond just like it took me a lot of years to respond. I was just last night and early this morning also looking into a reference to a line from the Shakespeare play Hamlet which I never forgot when I came across it in the biography of a physicist by the name of Robert A. Millikan. (RAM) was also on the book cover. I read it many years ago. This is the line
There's a divinity that shapes our ends,
Rough-hew them how we will-
It probably doesn't mean anything to any one else but it does to me. Oh so I consider 25 Aug 2021 as the day I accepted Jesus as my savior and am still now investigating what this line from Hamlet is about. Maybe I am being superstitious here but I think these coincidences are all in accord with the verse in Hebrews. Could be and I claim them as such. Oh yes one more thing. I didn't really pray before the date I reference here. Catholic prayers only, if any before that time.

You have a very good memory for a lot of these experiences you relate!

Doesn't chara have to do with love? I looked it up just now: gladness, delight or rejoicing. Joy is a fruit of
the Spirit that differs from happiness because happiness is contingent upon circumstances/happenstance.

From https://www.preceptaustin.org/joy_-_chara

Joy (5479) (chara) (and rejoice) is Greek noun which describes a feeling of inner gladness, delight or rejoicing. Joy is a feeling of inner gladness, delight or rejoicing. Joy in the NT is virtually always used to signify a feeling of "happiness" that is based on spiritual realities (and independent of what "happens"). Joy is an inner gladness; a deep seated pleasure. It is a depth of assurance and confidence that ignites a cheerful heart. It is a cheerful heart that leads to cheerful behavior. Joy is not an experience that comes from favorable circumstances but is God’s gift to believers. Joy is a part of God’s very essence and as discussed below His Spirit manifests this supernatural joy in His children (Galatians 5:22-note, Acts 13:52, 1Th 1:6-note). Joy is the deep-down sense of well-being that abides in the heart of the person who knows all is well between himself and the Lord.

Any who... I too took quite a while to surrender after God revealed His unconditional love
and forgiveness through the cross of Christ. I had such an experience, as my whole body being
filled with the Light of His Love which imparted such knowledge and understanding of His knowing
me fully, though I still did not understand the cross, or Christ. Here is a link to a post I made about it,
though you may have seen something similar in the Christians in Recovery (Anonymous) thread. LINK