A Financial Faux Pas or a Fiend -- Who Should Have Paid for What on This Date?

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seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#1
May 23, 2009
16,440
5,387
113
#1
Hey Everyone,

I was reading a financial advice column in which a female reader presented this scenario:

She went on a first date with a guy, and they had agreed to split the check. But while they both had similarly-priced meals, he also ordered $40 worth of drinks for himself. And when the check came he only paid half, without offering to pay any extra or even for the full tip, even though the majority of the expense was his.

Now please note that I am NOT trying to make this a gender issue at all. It could have easily been reversed, with the woman expecting the man to pay more for the bill.

But I could easily relate to this and I would guess that many people here have been through the same thing.

Several years ago, the daughter of a prominent couple at church had just moved back into the area, and I told her I'd like to take her to lunch sometime as a welcome back. (I am also a gal, so obviously it was just a friend getting together with a friend and not a date.) We went to some kind of Applebee's-type restaurant, and when I told her I would pay, a similar thing happened -- along with her lunch, she started ordering drinks (at around $10 a piece.) She started with one, then ordered another when the food came, and when she started to order her third, I told her that I'd pay for her lunch and the first two but the rest of her drinks were on her. Like the girl in the advice column, I usually drink tap water -- that's not a judgment, that's just saying, if I offer to pay for someone's meal, I'm not figuring in 3 rounds of drinks along with it.

So the issue I am presenting here is NOT about gender, and it's NOT about alcohol (which is of course a whole other topic,) but rather, the issue is about someone trying to take financial advantage of you.

The scenario doesn't have to involve alcohol at all -- what if the other person ordered $50 worth of food and you order $20, and they expect you to split it down the middle? Or how about if you go out with family and they expect you to pay an even portion of the bill, even though your order cost less than what they want you to pay?

What have you done in these kinds of situations, or how would you handle it if you were?
 
Magenta

Magenta

Senior Member
#2
Jul 3, 2015
59,975
29,332
113
#2
In order to avoid this type of scenario or person who is willing to abuse your generosity/willingness to either split the tab and/or pay for the other person's meal, perhaps it would be prudent in the first case to specify, rather than say you will split the bill, simply agreeing to pay your own way, as then you will not be stuck financing the other's exorbitance and/or addiction. In the second scenario, specifying treating them up to the relative value of your own meal would inform the other person that you are not up for being taken advantage of, and lets them know that if they wish to have alcoholic drinks with their meal that they will be paying for those.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#3
Aug 13, 2014
27,276
9,327
113
#3
This reminds me of a bite limiter - slang for when you offer a kid a bite of your candy bar, or someone wants to try a bite of your sandwich, but you hold it so they can only bite off so much... unless they bite your hand, which indicates a whole other problem.

If you don't use a bite limiter, the kid will fit as much of the candy bar as he can in his mouth. That's why we don't offer kids a bite more often.

When someone deliberately and obviously takes advantage of me, I consider that a valuable lesson and I never trust that person with anything important. I'm glad I lost something relatively inconsequential and learned about this person, so I know not to risk anything really valuable.
 
T

TheIndianGirl

Guest
#4
#4
seoulsearch said:
Hey Everyone,

I was reading a financial advice column in which a female reader presented this scenario:

She went on a first date with a guy, and they had agreed to split the check. But while they both had similarly-priced meals, he also ordered $40 worth of drinks for himself. And when the check came he only paid half, without offering to pay any extra or even for the full tip, even though the majority of the expense was his.

Now please note that I am NOT trying to make this a gender issue at all. It could have easily been reversed, with the woman expecting the man to pay more for the bill.

But I could easily relate to this and I would guess that many people here have been through the same thing.

Several years ago, the daughter of a prominent couple at church had just moved back into the area, and I told her I'd like to take her to lunch sometime as a welcome back. (I am also a gal, so obviously it was just a friend getting together with a friend and not a date.) We went to some kind of Applebee's-type restaurant, and when I told her I would pay, a similar thing happened -- along with her lunch, she started ordering drinks (at around $10 a piece.) She started with one, then ordered another when the food came, and when she started to order her third, I told her that I'd pay for her lunch and the first two but the rest of her drinks were on her. Like the girl in the advice column, I usually drink tap water -- that's not a judgment, that's just saying, if I offer to pay for someone's meal, I'm not figuring in 3 rounds of drinks along with it.

So the issue I am presenting here is NOT about gender, and it's NOT about alcohol (which is of course a whole other topic,) but rather, the issue is about someone trying to take financial advantage of you.

The scenario doesn't have to involve alcohol at all -- what if the other person ordered $50 worth of food and you order $20, and they expect you to split it down the middle? Or how about if you go out with family and they expect you to pay an even portion of the bill, even though your order cost less than what they want you to pay?

What have you done in these kinds of situations, or how would you handle it if you were?
Click to expand...
I have not really been in this type of situation. Something mildly similar happened awhile ago where I stored my belongings in my friend's apartment for the summer (at that time only a couple of suitcases worth and maybe a couple of boxes), I offered to buy lunch for her at the end and she ordered appetizer and dessert and I believe a drink. I truly wasn't expecting that. In that case I didn't mind as much since I was truly appreciative she stored my stuff. Most people are aware not to take advantage of a situation. If I offered to pay for the meal, I would probably pay regardless of cost (this usually happens during special occasions like birthdays (especially in the past where birthday celebrations were a bigger deal) or friend in town). However, depending on the situation, that would be the last time I offered to pay and going forward we would each pay our own. If I see a situation out of hand, I would cut the meal short so they wouldn't order another drink.
 
JohnDB

JohnDB

Well-known member
#5
Jan 16, 2021
6,191
2,509
113
#5
seoulsearch said:
Hey Everyone,

I was reading a financial advice column in which a female reader presented this scenario:

She went on a first date with a guy, and they had agreed to split the check. But while they both had similarly-priced meals, he also ordered $40 worth of drinks for himself. And when the check came he only paid half, without offering to pay any extra or even for the full tip, even though the majority of the expense was his.

Now please note that I am NOT trying to make this a gender issue at all. It could have easily been reversed, with the woman expecting the man to pay more for the bill.

But I could easily relate to this and I would guess that many people here have been through the same thing.

Several years ago, the daughter of a prominent couple at church had just moved back into the area, and I told her I'd like to take her to lunch sometime as a welcome back. (I am also a gal, so obviously it was just a friend getting together with a friend and not a date.) We went to some kind of Applebee's-type restaurant, and when I told her I would pay, a similar thing happened -- along with her lunch, she started ordering drinks (at around $10 a piece.) She started with one, then ordered another when the food came, and when she started to order her third, I told her that I'd pay for her lunch and the first two but the rest of her drinks were on her. Like the girl in the advice column, I usually drink tap water -- that's not a judgment, that's just saying, if I offer to pay for someone's meal, I'm not figuring in 3 rounds of drinks along with it.

So the issue I am presenting here is NOT about gender, and it's NOT about alcohol (which is of course a whole other topic,) but rather, the issue is about someone trying to take financial advantage of you.

The scenario doesn't have to involve alcohol at all -- what if the other person ordered $50 worth of food and you order $20, and they expect you to split it down the middle? Or how about if you go out with family and they expect you to pay an even portion of the bill, even though your order cost less than what they want you to pay?

What have you done in these kinds of situations, or how would you handle it if you were?
Click to expand...
It's a massive red flag and they don't get a second chance at another date.

Otherwise it's just money and not worth the hassle, fuss, or demand.

Access to me or my heart is privileged stuff. Yes. They got to meet me and then charged me for the privilege.

I don't have friends that stay in contact that have not benefitted from my friendship...I'm a giving person and usually generous. I don't borrow money from my parents...usually they take advantage of me financially...but I know and don't care. They're parents ya know?
Only get one set and at the end of the day what difference does it make?

So...if I met someone out and they behaved this way....probably not going to talk to them anymore.
Usually I don't go out to eat a lot to begin with...it's really expensive and I like my own cooking better. These days it's $100 at any restaurant just for food for two without alcohol.(Excluding fast food)

Just saying...if you obsess over this small a sum it's probably best if you don't go out on dates.

On a personal note...I know you have been used in this fashion before and it still hurts...because it's insulting to be used for your money and not valued for your personhood.
And when people can't see the truth of your personal worth...they missed the real treasure.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#6
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#6
as Magenta said
I dont ever split bills unless we've actually SHARED meals (and drinks)
Going dutch usually means you only pay for what you've individually ordered.

splitting bills is never fair because usually people dont earn the same or eat the same.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#7
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#7
If someones ordered a round of drinks, its usually meant to be for EVERYONE not just themselves. But that is the drinking culture if you the one who ordered the round of drinks, its on you to pay it.

This is why for a lot of restaurants, its better to BYO because buying drinks at a restaurant is super expensive. If you are drinking (alcohol) cos its cheaper to buy a bottle and share it than pay for individual glasses. Then theres 'corkage' or whatever

Maybe this person didnt know that.
 
A

arthurfleminger

Well-known member
#8
Aug 18, 2021
1,405
780
113
#8
The obvious way to prevent this problem from occurring is to ask for separate checks when ordering. It will save a lot of animosity and prevent other from taking advantage of you.

HOW SIMPLE IS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#9
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#9
without alcohol
and if someone expected an even split of bill even though you ordered cheapest thing on menu...hmm
well, ok if someone is a bill splitter and you agree, then I guess you would try and eat all your moneys worth and if you couldnt eat as much as you could you would take it home in a doggy bag

lol

but in general, its not the done thing to split bills. Its really not fair, especially on the person who earns less. If you the one who offered to take someone out, usually you pay for everything. Then the next time its the other person when they can afford it, but otherwise, going dutch works for most people, and you always check out what things cost before you go, so you dont end up with a huge surprise. You can look up menus online.
 
Robertt

Robertt

Well-known member
#10
May 22, 2019
899
320
63
Bahrain
#10
never ever have i split a bill and probably wont ever do it.

Either i agree at start to pay my share. or i pay for all the bill.

When i go out with workmates i often pay for everyone at my table 3-4 other guys

And being old fashioned i would prefer to pay for my DATES bill fully

Now if she tells me early in evening that she prefers to pay her way. i tell her it ok, but dont fight over it.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#11
Aug 13, 2014
27,276
9,327
113
#11
As to how I would handle a situation like this, I would probably do the same thing my uncle Fred does when he gets bad service at a restaurant: Quietly pay the check and never go back there again. He doesn't talk a lot about the restaurant, he doesn't complain a lot while he's there, but you'll never see him there again.

If you ever take advantage of me I probably won't complain a lot, to you or about you, but I won't be seeking your company a lot after that.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#12
May 23, 2009
16,440
5,387
113
#12
seoulsearch said:
I was reading a financial advice column in which a female reader presented this scenario:

She went on a first date with a guy, and they had agreed to split the check. But while they both had similarly-priced meals, he also ordered $40 worth of drinks for himself. And when the check came he only paid half, without offering to pay any extra or even for the full tip, even though the majority of the expense was his.
Click to expand...
In case anyone was wondering, in this first scenario, the woman was asking for advice because she actually thought the guy was really great and wanted to see him again, but of course, didn't want to wind up in this situation again.

The columnist (who was male, if anyone was curious) advised her to talk to her date about it to see if things could be straightened out and they could continue to go out. If not (and if it was expected that she was going to continue paying for him,) the columnist told her it was probably best to cut her losses and move on.

For my own life, I feel the same way.

Back when I was younger, I was more stressed about money situations, and it's certainly not like I have money to burn now.

But I've come to see money and how it's handled as a very useful litmus test as far as character goes.

I enjoy treating people from time to time when I can.

Someone who clearly takes advantage of another person is all I need to know about their character, and, no matter what they might profess about their faith, is someone I will either completely distance myself from, or at least be very cautious around.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#13
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#13
usually families tend to go to 'all you can eat' restaurants with an empty stomach and go knowing they have to eat a certain amount of food lol

its usually a set price per head. So you know from the outset.
 
Magenta

Magenta

Senior Member
#14
Jul 3, 2015
59,975
29,332
113
#14
JohnDB said:
Usually I don't go out to eat a lot to begin with...it's really expensive and I like my own cooking better.
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This is so true! The "eating out is expensive" part ;)

I treated a friend to brunch yesterday, and it was forty some-odd dollars! o_O

That was for two organic three-egg omelets with sour dough toast (and jam), plus coffee.

Still, it was a nice treat for both of us :D And I did not mind the cost, really, because
they have been extremely helpful to me through all my ordeals with medical this and that.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#15
Aug 13, 2014
27,276
9,327
113
#15
seoulsearch said:
In case anyone was wondering, in this first scenario, the woman was asking for advice because she actually thought the guy was really great and wanted to see him again, but of course, didn't want to wind up in this situation again.

The columnist (who was male, if anyone was curious) advised her to talk to her date about it to see if things could be straightened out and they could continue to go out. If not (and if it was expected that she was going to continue paying for him,) the columnist told her it was probably best to cut her losses and move on.

For my own life, I feel the same way.

Back when I was younger, I was more stressed about money situations, and it's certainly not like I have money to burn now.

But I've come to see money and how it's handled as a very useful litmus test as far as character goes.

I enjoy treating people from time to time when I can.

Someone who clearly takes advantage of another person is all I need to know about their character, and, no matter what they might profess about their faith, is someone I will either completely distance myself from, or at least be very cautious around.
Click to expand...
No fair taking MY line! :p

Oh well. I said it first, and it's on record. :cool:

Of course... You could always take the Dilbert approach.
https://dilbert.com/strip/1995-05-11
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#17
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#17
I think some guys (especially on their first dates) maybe just dont know how it works in restaurants and some women dont either. And when you young, of course you are probably not that financially well off.

you date is not going to always going to eat or drink the same as you
you shouldnt order for your date but many know if theres lobster on the menu it might not be prudent to order it unless youve agreed beforehand thats what you are both going to eat!

and also, many people might not understand when ppl have things like allergies or diet concerns. eg gluten free. Vegetarians and non vegetarians need to respect each other as well. Its not great for vegetarians eating out if everythings got meat in it.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#18
May 23, 2009
16,440
5,387
113
#18
Lynx said:
No fair taking MY line! :p

Oh well. I said it first, and it's on record. :cool:
Click to expand...
Which line, the one about the litmus test? If you've actually used it in this thread, I missed it.

I was actually thinking of it being used in a movie from years ago (I can't even remember it) when I wrote the post.

So apparently a lot of people use that line, not just you. :LOL:

Which also means it's fair game. :cool:
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#19
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#19
if someone is a drinker more than an eater...and you are not, well, this is where you might not really want to hang round with them.

for anyone whos become addicted. they cant just stop at one drink. That person would be more at home in a bar than going to a restaurant. so maybe be clear, are you going out to eat, or are you going out to drink.
 
L

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
#20
May 19, 2022
1,383
640
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#20
I'll split my response into three separate scenarios:

1. Whenever I've taken a woman out on a date in my life, I've always willingly and expectantly paid for everything, so that's never been a problem scenario.

2. On the VERY RARE occasions that I've gone out with friends to eat over the years, I've always made sure to pay extra if I'd ordered more than the others had (which was normally the case) when the bill came, so that's never been a problem scenario, either.

3. Whenever I've been a part of a group, say at work, that is ordering out for lunch or dinner, I've ALWAYS been taken advantage of in that the bill was ALWAYS split into equal parts among the participants even though certain people ordered way more food, drinks, desserts, etc. than the others. As a direct result, I never participate in group lunches or dinners anymore. In these scenarios, it was NEVER an oversight. In other words, certain individuals were deliberately taken advantage of. I'm anything but cheap, but I'm nobody's fool (except Christ's), either.
 
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