This is my first visit to this site. My name is Peter, I'm 36 and I live in Ireland. I'm struggling a lot with life, sin, and my faith. I was raised in a non-religious household but went to Catholic school, and never really heard the true message of the Gospel until I was 18. That's when I met some evangelical Christians who explained to me what it means to be saved by grace through the death and resurrection of Jesus. Not long after, when I was alone I reached out to God and I accepted Jesus as my saviour.
Since that time I have struggled a lot with everything in life. My faith weakened over time and I continued to sin and do whatever felt good without care for what God wanted. In 2010, I was diagnosed with an incurable autoimmune disease that causes the bones in my spine and joints to become inflamed and fuse together over time and causes a hunched back. This resulted in a reduction in my mobility and constant pain. A few years later I was diagnosed with cancer. I needed an operation to remove the tumour, but thankfully I did not need further treatment, the cancer had not spread, it was discovered early enough. Regardless, it was still a shocking experience that I still think about every day.
These were not problems that I expected to deal with before I turned 30 when I was partying in my early 20s and not giving a care about anything. I fell into depression and horrible hopelessness and worry. My life started to fall apart. I used alcohol and drugs to make me feel better without any thought of the damage they would do. My relationship with my parents deteriorated. I shut out the world and felt completely alone. I became angry at God. Why had he let me suffer? Did I truly deserve all of this? I rejected God completely. I became an atheist, and I thought even if God does exist I didn't want to worship him anyway because of what he had let happen to me. I was consumed by self-pity.
My mother passed away last year before she had reached her 60th birthday. I had never experienced bereavement before in my life. I was again completely shaken, I had such a feeling of hopelessness and sadness in the pit of my stomach. My mother had done so much to help me in life, more than anyone except my father. I started to understand that my time too is limited, and that I wouldn't have forever to turn things around in my life. I felt guilty for not being a better son while she was here.
I started reaching out for community support. I got in touch with a social worker and a support worker who helps people with disabilities manage issues such as housing, healthcare etc. This has helped me not feel so completely alone and hopeless about everything. I started to understand the importance of kindness, because of the kindness and selflessness that I was being shown. This has helped me in practical ways. Since 2019 I've been outside my home less than 10 times, because of pain and also horrible social anxiety. My support worker has been helping me deal with issues like this. While all of this practical support is great, something was missing. Spiritually I still felt empty.
A few weeks ago, I'm not sure what happened, but I started to feel God's presence and love in a way I had not felt in a long time. I remembered the story of Job who had suffered so much yet did not reject God. I started to understand that my heart had been closed to God. I had been blaming God for not being there in my life when I would not even open the door to let him in. I started to realise God doesn't work that way, we have to invite him into our lives, because he gives us free will to choose to love or reject him. I was beginning to see the ridiculousness of the atheistic arguments that I had fallen for in the past, that wanted me to believe the Universe was not created and that our lives have no ultimate meaning or purpose. My eyes became opened to the spiritual warfare that is occurring right now.
All of those problems I faced that had almost broken me had happened so that I would reject God and become spiritually empty, and all of those atheistic lies I was told were designed with the same goals in mind. The problems I face can either break me or make me, faith in God is what makes the difference, faith that God who is all-powerful knows exactly what he is doing and that as long as I truly seek him he will not reject me, he loves me. Nothing that I or my support worker or counsellor can do compares to what God Almighty can do for me if I just allow him into my life. Every good thing ultimately comes from him, and he owes me nothing - every good part of my life is a blessing that he has allowed me to have because he is loving and generous and merciful. Knowing that I am saved by Jesus gives me a feeling of joy that transcends everything else.
I believe that God has guided me here so that I can talk to and learn from other Christians. Even though I was first saved when I was 18, I still feel like a new Christian, and I'm still dealing with feelings of anxiety and doubt, worries about what people around me will think, but I will continue on this path with Jesus by my side, and I will pray every day for him to increase my faith and guide me out of darkness and sin. I know this is a lot to read, and thank you if you did take the time to read it all. Please feel free to message me and please pray for me that God will increase my faith and continue to guide me. If you have any Bible verses that you might think would help please share them with me.
Since that time I have struggled a lot with everything in life. My faith weakened over time and I continued to sin and do whatever felt good without care for what God wanted. In 2010, I was diagnosed with an incurable autoimmune disease that causes the bones in my spine and joints to become inflamed and fuse together over time and causes a hunched back. This resulted in a reduction in my mobility and constant pain. A few years later I was diagnosed with cancer. I needed an operation to remove the tumour, but thankfully I did not need further treatment, the cancer had not spread, it was discovered early enough. Regardless, it was still a shocking experience that I still think about every day.
These were not problems that I expected to deal with before I turned 30 when I was partying in my early 20s and not giving a care about anything. I fell into depression and horrible hopelessness and worry. My life started to fall apart. I used alcohol and drugs to make me feel better without any thought of the damage they would do. My relationship with my parents deteriorated. I shut out the world and felt completely alone. I became angry at God. Why had he let me suffer? Did I truly deserve all of this? I rejected God completely. I became an atheist, and I thought even if God does exist I didn't want to worship him anyway because of what he had let happen to me. I was consumed by self-pity.
My mother passed away last year before she had reached her 60th birthday. I had never experienced bereavement before in my life. I was again completely shaken, I had such a feeling of hopelessness and sadness in the pit of my stomach. My mother had done so much to help me in life, more than anyone except my father. I started to understand that my time too is limited, and that I wouldn't have forever to turn things around in my life. I felt guilty for not being a better son while she was here.
I started reaching out for community support. I got in touch with a social worker and a support worker who helps people with disabilities manage issues such as housing, healthcare etc. This has helped me not feel so completely alone and hopeless about everything. I started to understand the importance of kindness, because of the kindness and selflessness that I was being shown. This has helped me in practical ways. Since 2019 I've been outside my home less than 10 times, because of pain and also horrible social anxiety. My support worker has been helping me deal with issues like this. While all of this practical support is great, something was missing. Spiritually I still felt empty.
A few weeks ago, I'm not sure what happened, but I started to feel God's presence and love in a way I had not felt in a long time. I remembered the story of Job who had suffered so much yet did not reject God. I started to understand that my heart had been closed to God. I had been blaming God for not being there in my life when I would not even open the door to let him in. I started to realise God doesn't work that way, we have to invite him into our lives, because he gives us free will to choose to love or reject him. I was beginning to see the ridiculousness of the atheistic arguments that I had fallen for in the past, that wanted me to believe the Universe was not created and that our lives have no ultimate meaning or purpose. My eyes became opened to the spiritual warfare that is occurring right now.
All of those problems I faced that had almost broken me had happened so that I would reject God and become spiritually empty, and all of those atheistic lies I was told were designed with the same goals in mind. The problems I face can either break me or make me, faith in God is what makes the difference, faith that God who is all-powerful knows exactly what he is doing and that as long as I truly seek him he will not reject me, he loves me. Nothing that I or my support worker or counsellor can do compares to what God Almighty can do for me if I just allow him into my life. Every good thing ultimately comes from him, and he owes me nothing - every good part of my life is a blessing that he has allowed me to have because he is loving and generous and merciful. Knowing that I am saved by Jesus gives me a feeling of joy that transcends everything else.
I believe that God has guided me here so that I can talk to and learn from other Christians. Even though I was first saved when I was 18, I still feel like a new Christian, and I'm still dealing with feelings of anxiety and doubt, worries about what people around me will think, but I will continue on this path with Jesus by my side, and I will pray every day for him to increase my faith and guide me out of darkness and sin. I know this is a lot to read, and thank you if you did take the time to read it all. Please feel free to message me and please pray for me that God will increase my faith and continue to guide me. If you have any Bible verses that you might think would help please share them with me.
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