The sin of refusing sex

Well said.

Thank you, I thought I tripped into a different world there for a minute. I didn't think what I was saying was that outrageous.

I thought the following was a good and balanced look at the so called sin of refusing sex. I am not entertaining the thought of continuing any discourse with those who have basically made up what they interpret as my stance on sex. It seems that much of the discussion on this topic has taken place in a vacuum with some people dismissing any other thought other than 'give it to me and give it to me now' though they will deny it and say that is not what they meant.

Well, if that is the case, choose your words with more care. I will discuss appropriate comments with regards to this article from Got Questions, but I will not address nonsense and being told what I think or what I meant. Take care to your own words and address the topic and not the person.

I am not the topic and the barrage of personal nonsense addressed to me previously is both sad and laughable. I maintain that demanding sex is not what Paul is talking about, especially considering the many nuances of any marriage. If you cannot actually address the topic or do not think the following article is worth your time, I would appreciate you just moving on, thank you.

Sex is normal and the Bible says the marriage bed is honorable. Constant refusal seems to indicate a problem that both parties participate in, which is something the following article considers and shows, from scripture, how to approach this problem.


Physical intimacy is part of God’s normal plan for marriage, and a husband and wife have a responsibility to meet each other’s needs in this area (1 Corinthians 7:2–4). Assuming there is no physical or medical condition that would prevent sexual activity, a lack of sex in marriage should come by mutual consent for spiritual pursuits for short periods of time (1 Corinthians 7:5).
So f
A sexless marriage is a cause for concern. Again ruling out physical difficulties, the root is most likely a spiritual one. The first order of business is to pray for wisdom, mercy, and grace to help in the time of need (James 1:5; Hebrews 4:16). It is always good to put one’s own house in order before seeking to correct someone else; therefore, if a spouse feels wronged in this area, he/she should ask the Lord to reveal anything he/she may be doing to contribute to the problem (Psalm 139:23). God will answer such a prayer, provided we are willing to listen.

Should the deprived spouse discover that he or she has contributed to the cause of the lack of sex in the marriage, the sin should be confessed to God and the spouse and steps taken to correct the behavior (Proverbs 28:13). If this has been done and sexual intimacy is still withheld, the wronged spouse should continue praying daily for grace to love unconditionally and trusting God to work in His time. This is now a test of faith (James 1:2–4). All the while, the deprived spouse should take care to keep the lines of communication open with his or her partner and never neglect God’s commands concerning the marital relationship (Ephesians 5:22–33). It takes time and patience to wait on the Lord and to keep one’s eyes on Him to rise above the circumstances.

If the lack of sex in marriage is due to the wife refusing intimacy, the husband should consider if he is being obedient to God’s command to love his wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25–33) or if he is living with her in “an understanding way” (1 Peter 3:7, ESV). This is especially important if she has feelings of inferiority or rejection. Often, a husband may not recognize his part in his wife’s problems, and she is merely acting out of frustration or suppressed anger. Honest communication and forgiveness are the best ways to address this issue; be careful to avoid playing “the blame game.” First Corinthians 13 can be the checklist—does that chapter’s description of love match the husband’s treatment of his wife? Godly love will keep him from bitterness against his wife and harshness toward her (Colossians 3:19).

If the lack of sex in marriage is due to the husband refusing intimacy, the wife may be neglecting her responsibility before God to love, respect, and submit to her husband (Ephesians 5:22–24). If he feels neglected, inferior, or dominated, he may refuse intimacy to get even or to regain control, or he may lose interest altogether. Either way, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15).

If a spouse is withholding sex seemingly without cause, there may be a deeper, suppressed problem stemming from the past. In this case, counseling could help the problem come to the surface and hopefully be dealt with. In any case, both parties should take some time off and sit down with the intent to talk it out without shifting the blame. A pastor or biblical counselor can be a wonderful help during these conversations. The goal should be to understand the perspective of one’s spouse, so the couple can then move together in the right direction and allow change to begin.

Healing cannot be forced and may take some time. In the meantime, forgiveness is an immediate command (Matthew 6:14–15). If both parties want God’s best and if the process is done in humility and sincerity, full intimacy is possible once again. A hurting couple should commit themselves to time in the Word daily, to prayer, to obedience to God, and to each other. Then they can patiently trust the Lord to work in both their hearts and heal whatever is causing the lack of sex in the marriage.

Article from Got Questions

A major cause of marital sex issues is that a whole lot of people, perhaps more women, get married when they probably should not. The NT basically says only get married if you want to have sex and cannot control yourself. However many people get married because of family or societal pressure. Women want protection and shelter, and marriage is a way to get this. If only people who cannot control themselves get married, denying sex would not be an issue as they cannot control their sexual urges.

God originally created one male and one female. Yes? I cannot find where the Bible states only get married if you want sex. There are many things to enjoy in marriage and sex is but one of them. Perhaps people need instruction on what marriage actually is, more than they need to be told to refuse it is a sin. I am not a person who easily believes such dogmatic instruction, when scripture has way way more to say about marriage then 'you must have sex every time the other person wants it or you are in sin'

That, is not what a proper understanding of the subject within marriage is. Here is an excerpt from the article I posted:

Healing cannot be forced and may take some time. In the meantime, forgiveness is an immediate command (Matthew 6:14–15). If both parties want God’s best and if the process is done in humility and sincerity, full intimacy is possible once again. A hurting couple should commit themselves to time in the Word daily, to prayer, to obedience to God, and to each other. Then they can patiently trust the Lord to work in both their hearts and heal whatever is causing the lack of sex in the marriage.

Expectations are a big problem in many cases. If a person believes all they have to do is point to scripture to get immediate results, they should apply that to themself first and that would include all behavioral issues and other sins.

Also I Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1 Cor 7

Generally speaking. And not specifically,
When couples are young the guys tend to have a stronger desire/drive for sex than women.....

BUT

As the couples age and mature the guy's drive wanes while the women's climbs.
So...if the women want the exact same treatment they gave their spouses when young....not that it's deliberate but behaviors set precidents....but if there is a custom of satisfying the spouse whenever....there's not going to be an issue.

Come on. I am well aware of that scripture, but do you actually think everyone who gets married is burning for sex without being able to control themselves?

Obviously God created marriage and sex within marriage for many reasons and He made sex enjoyable so why would, according to you, so many women not really want to participate? I think we need a little more of a cerebral response instead of a knee jerk response to the question of why sex might be refused.

The actual truth is that when sex becomes a big problem, the problem is actually something else and not sex. There are many studies having been done that support that observation. Christian marriages are no longer an exception as any counsellor worth their diploma will tell you. You see, just dismissing all of that and stating the problem is saying no, is a woeful response and thankfully, the Bible does in fact have answers if people will choose to follow all the counsel and not just something they think will get them quick relief.

That marriage will not last and if anyone would like to consult the percentages of divorce within Christian homes, or the husbands and wives who break their marriage vows, I would hope that person would begin to see that marriage, sex included, is not a one and done fast answer. Marriage takes work and good marriages consist of considerate people who value their spouse and do not demand anything, but rather discuss and if one partner is still refusing perhaps seeking outside help, but certainly not using scripture as the method by which to control another. That actually works both ways.

Part 1


This is what happens when people don't read back through a thread to see what was said. I've been guilty of doing the same. No one has taken that stance here. We even had someone bring up the subject of rape and we were very clear, the OP and the rest of us agreed. We are NOT talking about lust. We are NOT talking about a husband raping his wife. We are NOT talking about force in any way. That was agree waaay back in this thread. From here forward, posters please understand the subject.

This is directly related to the Bible verse that tells spouses not to without sex with each other.

1 Cor. Defraud ye not one the other, unless it be with consent for a time only, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not through your lack of selfrestraint.

Do not refuse and deprive and defraud each other [of your due marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves unhindered to prayer. But afterwards resume marital relations, lest Satan tempt you [to sin] through your lack of restraint of sexual desire.

Don’t refuse to meet each other’s needs unless you both agree for a short period of time to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come back together again so that Satan might not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

We are NOT talking about an ill partner. We are talking about a healthy marriage. I find it astounding that some Christian women here have an issue with this verse.

They are separated by a comma my friend. Of course not, that's silly. If you refuse(defraud) sex to your spouse, when your body belongs to them, how can you be loving to them? And if your home is constantly filled with tension and ill feelings because one spouse is "defrauding" the other, how can the children receive the love and peace that they should have? Learn...."TheLearner"

Part 2


There should be no argument here. The fact that there are so many people trying to add a "Yeah but"... here tells me something. This isn't me speaking for God, this is in the Bible. You can look it up for yourself. This is what this thread has been about. It's extremely clear, I have been totally direct. Polar you either agree with the Word or you don't. Your argument isn't with me. Now, if you agree with these verses, you and I have no argument. Utterly simple.

Polar said:

I maintain that demanding sex is not what Paul is talking about,

Click to expand...

Literally no one here is talking about forced sex. You're arguing with yourself. Everything pointed out here has already been addressed. I said AGAIN in case you missed it. You're saying what has already been said. smh



Excuse me, the what?!! What was that? What is the title of this thread?!!!! The sin of what??!!!



Right, go for help if there are deeper issues. You go to your pastor and either will give you someone to go see, or he and his wife will counsel the couple. Congrats, you repeated the whole thread and everything that has already been said. Bottom line is you agree with the Bible which I agree with, so we agree.smh

You do not seem able to respond to anything but having sex with your spouse. I know what scripture states but you do not address why someone might refuse and there are quite a few reasons. I totally disagree with having sex as a command and if you do not wish to have sex at one time or another, you are not sinning.

Constant refusal indicates problems within the marriage and you are not well informed if you think it is only women who do this. Why should anyone have to read pages of a post before they respond? You have totally read me wrong and I guess that will continue if past actions indicate anything.

Harping on one passage of scripture does not erase everything else. I have tried several times now to talk about WHY someone might refuse and you just keep throwing up the fact that people should be at the leisure of another. Perhaps a person who, while calling themself a Christian, does not give the love to his wife the BIBLE tells them to. LOVE COMES FIRST. HUSBANDS LOVE YOUR WIVES.

Wives are to respect their husbands and not allow them to treat them in a way that creates refusal. Same goes for wives.

I posted a really good article from Got Questions that addresses THE WHY. You can stop telling me what you are particularly referring to as you have repeated that and accused me of nonsense while doing so.

sigh. Just please go and smh in the mirror. You are correct in stating no one is talking about forced sex and that includes me. What exactly are you trying to say? You do not seem able to see that FACT. I think I should take heed of my own words and not discuss further with you. It seems impossible to get you to see what I am really saying.

You seem quite offended anyone would try to be reasonable and not used a dogmatic response and Bible thumping as their platform.

Well good then. It seems I grasp the topic quite well if I am able to be so concise as to wrap it up in less than 20 pages.,

You're welcome. Perhaps if you had not flown off the handle at me and made ridiculous attempts at putting words in my mouth? And yet you are still just riding a stationary bike. Whatever at this point. Just...whatever

LOL! Well it's not really healthy then, is it, if someone is refusing sex. There be problems no one is addressing. And that is what I have (apparently in vain) tried to post about.

Hellfire and brimstone preaching no doubt about it. I don't have that background and I am not impressed by your giving someone and not me either, that ole timey you either agree with scripture or you don't. I don't think you see a thing I said. And yet here I am still trying to address the whys of things.

Zzzzzzzzzzz

You and I have very different communication skills. I call yours 'my way or the highway'. Yeah. I know. God said it. But He said a whole lot of other things as well.

Do you always attack newer members with those sort of words should they repeat something said by someone else?

Most gracious of you. I suppose you also throw hot oil on people at your door who have the nerve to say something that you already heard.

So done with it.

2 Corinthians 12:21
lest, when I come again, my God will humble me among you, and I shall mourn for many who have sinned before and have not repented of the uncleanness, fornication, and lewdness which they have practiced.
Galatians 5:19
Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness,
Colossians 3:5
Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.

for·ni·ca·tion
/ˌfôrnəˈkāSH(ə)n/
Learn to pronounce
nounFORMAL•HUMOROUS
sexual intercourse between people not married to each other.
"laws forbidding adultery and fornication"

Nobody said anything about "forcing" anyone nor did I say to use the Bible to get what you want. I wouldn't advise either one. I tried to make it clear that it would not be wise or successful to say anything to your spouse, neither would it be wise to do anything like taking them before any third party like a pastor for "counseling". No, once again, my intention was to convey that it's the "aged women's" job to teach younger women how to treat their hubbies. Hubbies are just commanded to "love your wives".(alot simpler than reading "10 steps to more whoopie huh?) I thought I made all of that clear?....I do try to use as few words as possible. Maybe that's what gets me in trouble. I dunno.

Do you have a concern about unmarried sex? I know I never brought it up. I can't help you.

I see you just changed your sad face to a medal. I guess you reread it and see what I was saying.

Thank you, I respect that,