What Do You (Ladies) Think of Men Living with Their Parents?

What Do You (Ladies) Think of Men Living with Their Parents?

What would your gut reaction be to finding out the guy your out with, or dating, lives with his parents?

Is it a turnoff? Would you be embarrassed if your girlfriends knew? Would they kid you? Would think there's probably a financial problem? Would it be a turnoff to know you two would never really be alone in the place where he lives? Would you think he's probably too controlled by parents?

Would you think it's good for society and family, but not particularly a good thing for you to be the girlfriend?

Is it a completely neutral thing to you? It's the reasons why that matter?

Would you think it's likely a positive thing: probably if he's taking care of parents/family, has good family relations, saving money is a good thing?

I think it really depends on the reason, however my first reaction would be negative.

Ideally I would prefer a guy who doesn't live with his parents mainly because it would be unclear to me whether he has learned to be a responsible adult. Also, it would be nice if he had his own place for privacy. However, if he is living with his parents because he has some caretaker functions, that would be okay. At the same time, I would need to look into his parents. Are his parents just "using" him just so he can provide for them, guilt-tripping him? How much control do they have over him? Is he a "mama's boy"?

I think it depends on the type of relationship they have with parents.
Many men dont live with their parents cos they hate their parents or their parents are dead. So just because a man doesnt live with his parents, doesnt necessarily mean its a good thing either!

I wouldnt judge a person if I didnt know them or their circumstances.

Hey Sculpt,

Great thread and thanks for asking what we ladies think (we seem to get a lot of threads asking what the men think but not as many geared towards us ladies, so we appreciate it.) You also did a fantastic job on the poll, but I couldn't make a choice because the number one thing I would have to find out is why (and how did he handle telling me about it.) Did he just tell me straight up, or did he try to hide it or work around telling me about it? I understand that it's a sensitive subject, but I would want him to just flat-out tell me so that we could start talking about it. The Indian Girl brought up some really good points that I wholeheartedly agree with.

My Mom was telling me that people my age are dubbed "The Sandwich Generation" -- most are stuck in between providing for their kids and are now also faced with taking care of their parents, so it's a tough place to be. Plus, we're still in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, so economic independence is harder to achieve than ever. I would absolutely be understanding of someone who was pulling together with family to survive, or even someone who was doing so in order to "honor his father and mother" as God commands us to do.

Age, culture and tradition are also very important. If the guy is in his 20's, that's perfectly understandable, especially if he's in school, and he may just be starting to stand on his own two feet in his 30's. If he were in his 40's and up, there could be reasons such as divorce, loss of a career (we all know life is full of curve balls,) putting kids through college, etc. And while people in the USA value separate households, in many other cultures of the world, you are expected to provide for your parents and family, and that includes sharing a home -- often with several generations living under one roof.

I would be very supportive of someone who is trying to help his family, BUT, I can admit that this might be a possible deal breaker as far as dating and marriage goes.

As The Indian Girl pointed out, if you are going to be with someone, you are going to be partnered right into the middle of that person's situation (as they will be into yours.) I think this is something many people aren't considering as seriously as they should -- how many combined children, parents, and family members are we going to be taking care of, and are we realistically able to financially and emotionally? What kinds of family obligations will each person be committing to, both their own and the other person's? How much of your money, time, and energy are YOU willing to put into supporting the other person's family?

To me, it all depends on the reasons and what's sustaining them.

If a guy is living with his parents for various "legit" reasons (hard times, family, personal beliefs, trying to save money,) let's talk about it and see if we can figure something out.

But if he can't live independently because of issues he can't or won't work on (substance abuse, irresponsibility, inability to handle money -- in other words, if, out of the two of us, I would have to be the only adult and would have to carry both of us,) I might be able to be a friend from a distance but I would most likely not choose to date someone in that situation.

And I say this only because I HAVE chosen to date someone in these situations before -- more than once -- it's just taken me this long to learn that it absolutely does not work (at least not for me.)

when or if you marry, you are not necessarily going to be alone with your spouse because its always traditonally been in many cultures that the daughter went to live with her husbands family, and became their daughter-in-law, and thus has to cater to her parents-in-law.

People seem to have this idea that, when you marry you just automatically live apart from the rest of your birth family, or in laws when often that is not even the case!

For women you generally marry INTO a family, not out of it.

If the family is generous, another home will be provided or at least some kind of seperate livng quarters but dont hold your breath expecting every single family to have their own house. Not going to happen....especally when theres a housing shortage!

Yeah basically what Seoulsearch said. When I find out that he lives with his parents, my first question will be why, and my next might be about what his future plans for housing are or something along the lines of how long does he see that continuing. Living with his parents after marriage, that could be a deal breaker for me but there's a lot of time between first few dates and marriage so we can discuss such things if and when they happen.

A mother in law is initially very happy when the daughter in law moves in because the daughter in law becomes the maid; this is what happens in traditional families. At the same time, the mother in law is used to running the house and continues running the house, so this creates some friction. That's why the daughter in law is essentially a maid since she has no voice. If the daughter in law moves in, the husband always has to support the wife. However, if he does, this creates some friction between mother and son. I know someone who moved in with the in-laws, she makes a good wage and the in-laws have an issue with her shopping even though her husband doesn't mind. Her father also does not like the in laws now because of the way she is being treated. This is in the U.S.

If you ARE going to build your own house, it actually depends if there is land available.
There might not be.

The other thing is, if you live too far away from your parents, you may not have the support network (grandparents! free babysitters! ) for children.

A lot of people rent to be closer to work. The thing is, that depends too on what sort of job a man has. If hes in the military, well you have no choice where he may be posted and may end up living in the barracks.

If he lives with parents, he may be working on the house, or the family business. He might be better at home maintenance. Theres all sorts of things to take into consideration.

some men might want to move where the wife has HER job and to be closer to her parents. Or he might be living in a housetruck or something.

the dealbreaker has never been oh, he lives or doesnt live with his parents. Its more like what is his relationship like with his parents. Has he been completely disowned by them? Or it could be his parents are abusive pyschos and you might end up having to do a lot of emotional damage control. Does he respect them?

do you want to be a maid...is your potential mother-in-law a tyrant? Whether she lives with him or not. if shes dead then you dont have that problem I guess.

Living with his parents working and helping the family I don't feel negative about it but living independently is a plus point for me...

If he is disable, I understand...like he has no hands and feet or he is mentally incapable to take care of himself...


But if he is OK.. mentally and physically able,not working and staying with his parents since he was born that is a turn off...I will think negatively about him like this man is lazy...


I've seen many men who don't work and living with their parents...it is quite a turn off .and the women who fall for them I don't know what to think...but I will call that a desperate move to fall for someone who are physically and mentally able but doesn't want to dirty his hands....I feel sorry for their future kids...I am quite rough with this topic because...I've witnessed this kind of situation and my heart hurts to see the kids suffer because the father is lazy... 😢😔

I have some family members like this (men, mid-late 30s) in another country who are like this, living with their parents and no dependable job...but they all want a very beautiful wife and have other high expectations Their mothers remind them, no job no beautiful wife.

Interesting. That's not at all how it is here. The average daughter in law would be very upset if the mother in law tried to boss her around.

Which country do you live in? Are multi-generational homes (where grandparents, parents and children grow up all in one house) still common there? Here in Tennessee, USA, it's not very common at all.

Also thank you for mentioning one of the downsides. (Wait, I have an uneasy feeling that I'm stepping on seoulsearch's turf here...)

Some elders lament the long gone days when people lived in big families in one home. We even have a show called The Waltons where three generations grew up in a big house at the foot of a mountain (or on the side of... it's been a long time since I've seen that show.) Nobody ever mentions intra-family politics and friction when they get nostalgic.

It totally depends on a lot of factors.

How old is he? I wouldn't expect someone under 20 to not live with their parents. It's wise financially to live with them while you save up your money, so definitely understandable as long as he is in fact working. If he just plays video games all day then it's a heck no at any age. Up to 25, I'm neutral. After all, our brains aren't fully developed until then, so why not stay with your parents until then if you and your parents want? After 25 though, you should be more than mentally and financially stable enough to live on your own.

Are his parents well? If they have health issues or other reasons where him being near is very beneficial, then I can hardly blame someone for wanting to help their own parents.

I'm sure there are other factors that I missed, but those are the main ones. I would not likely have married someone just to move into their parent's house with them, though. I think if a man is wanting to get married within the next year, he better either be saving up money for a place or already have one.

Emily hit the nail on the head with this one.

I think the main reason why women seem so turned off by the idea of a man living with his parents is because they're picturing a half-grown man child glued to a gaming console while sitting amongst clouds of cheese puff dust, barely barking a "thank you" to his mother as she delivers yet another takeout pizza to his basement abode because he can't be bothered to actually get up and answer the door (let alone pay or tip the driver.)

I mean, we're talking about an all-time high score here!! Good grief woman, don't you know this guy has priorities?!? But he fully believes he will someday marry a woman who possesses the impossibly proportioned measurements of all the female-type creatures he is encountering on his "journey" who are dressed in little more than a Band-Aid. (And as an affirmation, he curls up next to his full-body anime pillow of his favorite scantily or fetish-clad female character as nightly reassurance.)

One of my friends was talking about the fact that when she was growing up, she couldn't wait to get a car and be able to escape the house (even though she had a good home life,) but that her son had absolutely no interest in driving (she had to force him to go get his license when he was like 19,) let alone finding a job or researching colleges to attend. All he wanted to do was play games with his friends online.

In the time I've been here on CC (but maybe it's just me,) there usually seems to be a disproportionate number of threads discussing the woes of women being too independent and not submitting to men in marriage, but I don't see many, if any, threads about the woes of men not taking up the leadership position.

I'm not trying to turn this into a gender vs. gender issue at all, but no one seems to talk about what will happen to the future of Christian marriages when women's only option is to marry a man who can neither get nor hold a job, doesn't know how to pay bills, refuses to drive, couldn't survive outside his parent's roof, and yet is somehow automatically going to become the "leader" of the household when he gets married and will be responsible for having the final say in all decisions. If that's all I could find, I would just stay single.

Just picture a man who doesn't know how to live a responsible, independent life because his parents never taught or allowed him the chance to do so, and then he marries and brings his wife home to live with his family. He then tells his wife, "My Mom said we are only allowed to have the food on the bottom right half of the fridge, and when we're finished, she wants us to clean the rest of the fridge and the kitchen. Oh, and since I'm married, she also told me that she's expecting me (I mean you, since you're the only one with a driver's license and full-time job) to start paying the mortgage on the house." And meanwhile, his able-bodied mother does nothing all day but watch Dr. Phil while downing bags of Doritos and cases of diet Coke.

I have no problem with a man who is trying to help out his parents for good reasons (but if it's due to their own mismanagement and poor decisions, I would choose to distance myself.)

But can anyone else see the problem here?

Christians are expecting women to "submit" to husbands -- WHO ARE TAKING DIRECTIONS FROM, AND CAN'T SURVIVE WITHOUT ANOTHER WOMAN -- THEIR MOTHER.

In other words, the Christian culture is demanding that women "submit" themselves to men who are fully RELIANT UPON ANOTHER WOMAN for their survival, but yet, you, the wife, will be seen as "the lesser woman" who is to be kept under both his AND his mother's direction.

I know I might be seen as rebellious and evil for thinking this way, but there is no way I'm going to marry a man who is constantly looking to another woman for providence and instructions -- even if it's his own mother -- and then expect me to be the good little submissive wife who lives under both their thumbs, then brings home the money that will be distributed according to his and his mother's whims.

This is a major reason as to why I broke up with the first boyfriend I ever had. He would not stand up to his mother, even when distanced, and she just had to have control over everything and every one. NO WAY was I going to marry into that.

The Bible says that a man will LEAVE his father and mother and become one with his wife. I understand that in certain cultures or situations, the man might still be living with his father and mother, and that can be understandable.

But I think it's absolutely crucial for a potentiial marriage that the man should at least have a way of proving that he will be able to live independently and give his wife absolute precedence over his parents in their relationship (within reason, of course.)

I live in the U.S. This particular example I gave, the family has extra bedrooms because their family is large. However, additionally rooms is not always necessary. Sometimes many people can sleep in the same room on floor beds.

Oh... Between your nick and the example I thought maybe you lived in a country where such is commonplace.

well if you live in a mcmansion (I have seen a few in north america) I dont think it makes sense to move out of one if you have a good job and like living there etc. But then the super rich can always afford to buy another place. (and destroy a few forests to get the land)

I dont understand any woman who thinks a guy that plays video games at home and doesnt earn anything from it would make a good husband. I do know that some people actually do game for cash but gaming in general is more of a hobby than a way to earn a decent living.

Although one girl I used to work with somehow met her 'boyfriend' in the US via xbox. she went over there from nz thinking hes the one for me, found out he was disabled and living at his parents home with no job. And he wasnt studying or training to do anything...

I mean ok if you want to be friends, but marriage would be off the table there if you were expecting that!

Marriage does require a few conditions for someone to be eligible, or at least, home ownership does! Dont forget its involves money and property as well or potential estate. You are going to be legally bound to someone (and it doesnt matter whatver emotions you may feel about that) when you sign marriage papers.

Thanks, Kireina! Great reply!

You said, "Living with his parents working and helping the family I don't feel negative about it but living independently is a plus point for me..."

Why is the guy living independently a plus point for you?

I'm not Kireina... I'm not even a girl... and I do in fact live with my grandmother (caretaker, she's 89) but even I can see why it would be a plus point. If a guy is living on his own he is almost certainly financially stable and able to take care of himself - which means she won't have to support him.

The "almost" comes in if he is living on his own, on credit.