when is it ok to leave a marriage

As a young married person there has been quite a bit of challenges... When I first got married my husband's family intervened a lot in our marriage and tried as hard as they could to get him to leave me. (This family has a Long history of cutting ties with family who they presume to be not on their level of christianity.) So I didn't meet their guidelines as well. This family has said statements that have pertained to insulting my family as well as said called be controlling and made horrible comments I don't want to repeat. Despite these issues I have always tried to get them to like me and really have ignored a lot of their catty and negative behavior at so many occasions. This family has also done things that completely irritate me. For example, they praise their sons for being sexist and think of them as gods. For me, I've had the most difficult battle of ignoring their comments, mainly because I always sought out validation from them. At the same time my family has grown apart from me for being married to this man and I have constantly tried to ignore this. As in I have been trying to pretend and make excuses like I think they're just busy, but I know they don't approve of him. This has led me to slowly decaying over 3 years and I've come to a point where I can't handle how much of both our families have been affected by this. I think my family has grown apart from me and I feel like my heart is going to break. The guilt I overwhelming to a point that I get panic attacks and found have passed out due to not being able to handle the stress of this impact along with tackling school and work full time. is it wrong to leave a marriage because of a family

You have married into the wrong family. Based on your post my counsel is to leave post haste if economically feasible. It appears that your husband's family is toxic. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support, and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you join our family. Welcome to CC.

I am sorry to hear all this happening to you, and I hope and pray that God may direct you through this.

I am also inexperienced in the realm of marriage so perhaps I shouldn't be giving any advice at all, but I will say that I do not think it is wrong to leave marriage because of a family. However I would also say that have you tried communicating it with your husband? I am not sure if he is also the problem or contributing to the problem. So I will make a flow chart:

1.) Your husband is contributing to the matter at hand(could also mean is ignoring any pleads for help from you), or he is continuing to support his family that is continuing to be hurtful towards you. In which I would say that if you have already tried several times to communicate with him and he's not doing much then yes I would leave him only because he is part of issue at hand and he's not stepping up to support his wife(you).

2.) Your husband isn't contributing at hand, and might possibly sense some issues, but doesn't know for sure. If this is the case I would suggest talking and communicating that issues you are facing with his family.

Like I said I don't know if you already did 1 or 2 or both, but if he isn't doing anything and isn't talking to support you then I would recommend leaving... and I say that with a last resort sort of speak. I think because you are also in school and working full time it's stress that isn't needed in your life and you deserve better than that. Especially if you are tackling this alone and no one is even support or helping you.

I'm not a counselor, but that is my advice for you, I hope that you find these words encouraging.

Hello @genna123, first off, since I see that you are new around here, welcome to CChat

I'm sorry to hear about the situation that you've found yourself in with your inlaws, but I noticed that you didn't mention how your husband feels about everything that's going on. Have you talked to him about it (~you~, as his wife, should always be his principle concern now, even before his own family .. e.g. Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:25-33 .. I included v22-24 as well, so that you can also see Paul's instructions to wives).

Also, I'd recommend talking to your pastor, with your husband whenever/if possible. Pastors are great at giving godly counsel and advice, as well as different kinds of help, and by talking to him, he'll know how he can be praying for you in a specific way .. cf Hebrews 13:17.

Praying for you!

~Deut
p.s. - what did your husband's parents mean when they told you that you are "not on their level of Christianity" That seems like an odd thing to say (at best). Thanks!

Hold strong. U are just trying to keep things going.
Suggest that you don't try to please others. Focus on you. If they don't like you, either side, it's their issue.
U are accountable to God, not these folks.
As for your husband, state what you expect, issue a deadline for change.
Plan your exist. Let faith power u.

In short, yes it is wrong of you to leave the man you chose to marry because of your families. The fact is that you knew both of your families didn't approve and were going to give you trouble beforehand. That was your opportunity to realistically decide if that was something that you could make a vow before God to live with or not. And quite honestly, you shouldn't have married him to begin with, but now that you are married it is absolutely God's will that you stay with your husband. In your post, you did not once mention your husband. How does he feel about the situation? What does he want? It sounds like he hasn't been a problem himself, just going from the fact that he hasn't been spoken of. He cannot control his family. The only thing he can do is stick up for you, put you before them, and maybe even cut ties with them. It would be an extreme injustice to him if you leave him for something he has no control over. The best thing you can do at this point may be to just cut ties with both families and move on. Maybe even move away and start new.

The marriage isn't in failure...
You are just upset about a few things....
And overly stressed.

Set up some new boundaries. Quit accepting their statements and just tolerate them instead.

And you should stay away from his family more... you two have your own family now...his should be just as gone as yours.

Hello and Welcome to CC...
The situation you're in certainly stinks. I would strongly encourage you to obtain and read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Then, I would suggest that you set a boundary with your husband: either he deals with his family, or you leave him until he does. Don't cave to promises or threats. Set the boundary, and enforce it with action.

Separation is not divorce, but it does send a clear message of non-tolerance. If your husband decides that he prefers the adulation of his family over the faithful love of his wife, he can end the marriage, and you are free to move on in peace. What you are undergoing right now is emotional abuse. That your husband is not protecting you from it is complicit neglect on his part. You don't need to sacrifice your health (mental or physical) on the altar of marriage.

I HATE saying this but if I’m going to give sound Christian advice it would be not to divorce your husband. God only allows for divorce if there is cheating going on, and even then, He still doesn’t like it. Your husband should be putting you before his family. You are his family now. So if he’s not sticking up for you or correcting his family for mistreating you then he is very wrong. As the Bible says, God doesn’t hear the man’s prayers if he is mistreating his wife! Although the main problem is his family, he is a problem by subjecting you to that treatment. I also agree with another person’s comment that you should not have married him if his family was like that before you got married. He should be correcting them and minimizing or even eliminating your communication with them if they will not be receptive to his correction. I would say talk to him about it if you haven’t already and separate from him until he agrees he is not going to allow them to treat you like that anymore. Your family is wrong for blaming you for your husband’s family mistreating you and his lack of action about it. It’s not in your control.

You have to b greater then even marriage think like god be like god.Put god first in all ways he will make your path right.

You have a lot to complain about. However, it seems that you have not included the Lord in your troubles. The only justification for leaving is if your husband commits adultery or is physically violent.

What has your husband got to say about the situation? He's obviously stayed with you, so his family is not influencing him.

Trying to get people to like you or accept you is pointless. Trying to please everyone will drive you nuts. You end up pleasing no one. If you give over all your burdens to Lord Jesus, He will take care of you. If the marriage fails, it will not be your responsibility, if you have committed all to Jesus. You will be able to hold your head up and not be plagued with guilt.

You need to forgive all the people who have hurt you, even if you have offended yourself. I recommend this article:

https://www.christianlife.org.au/can-you-forgive-from-your-heart

You will find life changing principles that hold good in any and every difficult situation.

Get out.

People who attack people do not suddenly start attacking people. Its not like your presence makes people change they may act that way but that isnt how these things go. They are not really nice but also try to break up their sons marriage. This isnt the first high conflict drama he has seen.

Why isnt your husband defending you i didnt read a word about that. Thats his job. Does he not want to b married to you? I have a high conflict family and zero woman i brought around met my moms approval but neither did her children 2 husbands and hundreds of family members she complains about all of them! And i dont let her attack any girl i am with. Since they are the ones with drama why are u not talking to your family. Have u confronted them? Or is this a series of negative responses that get no answer?

So, that's not appropriate for them to do, and they should know that if they are such Christian Elites.
I'm curious as to what their "guidelines" are. Some guidelines are good. Others are not.
This is also an unbecoming thing for Christians to do; however, it depends on what you mean by "insulting". If your side of the family is non-believers, and is openly in some kind of sin, that's going to generate criticism from a lot of Christians, because they want to know if you approve of their sin too. Sometimes sinners take condemnation of sin personally- I'm not saying that's necessarily the case with your family but, that's the case with some people.
What specific sexist behavior are they being praised for?
How, specifically, do they think of their kids as gods? I've personally never witnessed parents that actually worship their children, so please forgive my skepticism.

I'm going to be straight with you- we're really not supposed to divorce or abandon our spouses, unless they commit adultery. You're supposed to be strong and seek help from our Lord. All Christians are going to struggle and suffer at some point- there is NO getting out of it. You and I are going to get bashed in the face by life sometimes. It's part of the faith; however, there is a reward if you are faithful to him and his word. There are so many bible stories that go into how people have accomplished great things in the name of the Lord, just by doing what he says during times of hardship.

When all trust is Gone!!!

First of all I am really sorry for you situation may our Lord Jesus give you peace in all things you are going through.
I'm not a person well experienced with marriage advices you decide whether this is helpful. You have already got a handful of good suggestions from cc members. And don't be mad at me like they said Marriage shouldn't be broken unless there's an affair Jesus told this himself. So divorce is out of the picture you have to think about solutions.

1) First how good is your relationship with Jesus. Many times problems and worries might seem like huge waves which are impossible to overcome but if you have Jesus Christ in your boat you have nothing to worry about. So my first advise would be if you haven't submitted yourself to Christ do it ASAP. knowing that he's there for you will take away most of your worries . Ask him to heal you.

2) After that don't look at the problems and irritations from your family. Accept them and understand that this how they are gonna be. They don't sound like Godly people to me so you can't fix them by yourself but you can pray for them though. Ask God to give you a forgiving heart, patience, long suffering.

3) The situation arround you may or may not change but you can change your approach towards it. Approach every situation with a cheer like how bad can it get I've seen the worse. You are in for a rough ride but you can have a better journey by buckling up and putting your hands on the steering wheel instead of worrying and doing nothing.

Lastly you have to stand blameless before God alone, keeping that in mind stop pleasing people because when your efforts to please them fail you will get more hurt. Take care of your husband and children that is your duty other than that respect your family ask God to give you a loving heart even though they try to hurt you. Trust me genna God can change our hearts if we ask. Find fellowship in your local, share your problems with Godly women and get support. Remember your first priority should be to please God always keep that in mind. May God give you peace sister and sorry for the long thread that is gonna take you 30 years to read. I'm not really good in saying things short.

some verses to help in times of need:
I Peter 5:7
John 14:27
I Corinthians 12:9
II Corinthians 13: 4-10
I Thessalonians 5: 14- 24
Philippians 1:5

I'm sorry to hear all the things that happened to you. First, you must not blame yourself for this, that isn't what you deserve, and God wouldn't want this kind of marriage. Even if I think marriage should be private for you and your partner only, none of us can deny the dominant and recessive impacts of the family of origin. Have you ever talked to your husband about this? I strongly recommend deep communication between you and him if you haven't. If you have, and he couldn't take the responsibility to help you solve the problems, he disappointed you and God's will. My husband and I are Christian, and we both respect the opinions of our families. Still, he always takes the responsibility to persuade everyone of the rights of our own family decision. So, if your husband can't do that for you, that's the time you leave a marriage.