I’m over 40, still a Virgin and scared of intercourse still

Is something wrong with me? I love men, I’ve had great relationships, however I’m turned off by the idea of a man’s sex organ going inside of my body and especially by the idea of a man releasing his bodily fluids into my body.

I don’t have any trauma in my background and I loved dating in the past, being with a man and making out. I’ve never been fully naked with a man though (just From the top up is all I could do).

Whenever a guy brings up intercourse, I get turned off and want to end the relationship. I’m over 40, is something wrong with me?

i don‘t think I’d feel safe having intercourse within marriage either, I don’t feel men are safe and I don’t think men think monogamously like we women do. I’ve also recently been reading about men who cheat on their wives and girlfriends with other men and bring back uncurable STD’s like HIV and others! I now have it in my mind that most men are bisexual and also deceptive and they also see nothing wrong with frequenting prostitutes and escorts.

is it sinful to think this way and be scared of intercourse? Is it sinful that as a woman I have not had intercourse and there’s a chance I never will, meaning I won’t have kids either? 🤔😔

Hi Gina,

Welcome to CC! I hope you find a good fellowship here. I don't know what kind of answers you will get due to it being such a personal topic, so please don't be discouraged, but we will try to help.

First of all, I want to assure you that not all men are bisexual, unfaithful, or visiting prostitutes. At least, I know several among my friends and family who are 100% straight, married and faithful or single and abstaining, and are very wonderful human beings.

You said you don't have any trauma from your past, which is great to hear, but do you know why you have such extremely negative thoughts about men?

Have you tried talking to a pastor or counselor? These sound like issues that might be better worked out with a professional rather than strangers on the internet. Again, I'm not trying to discourage you, I'm just saying, the things you're asking might be well beyond the scope of anonymous people on a forum.

Is your goal to have a relationship with a man, or do you want to stay alone? I personally don't think there's anything wrong with you -- I had a co-worker in her 50's who thought the same as you do. I'm saddened though that you seem to think all men are inherently evil. I can assure you that they are just like women in that there is a mix of good and bad in every group, whether man or woman.

Have you ever looked up or thought about joining a support group for the asexual community? I've only done a little bit of research about it but there seems to be a growing movement of people who are not interested in sexual intercourse. As with anything there appears to be a spectrum of beliefs, so some, like you, love physical affection such as kissing and hugging, but say they have no interest in sex.

Some even have dating relationships or marriages but they have chosen someone else who is also asexual and both partners have an agreement as to what the boundaries on their physical relationship will be.

It might something you'd want to check out, as it sounds like a group of people who would understand and support how you feel.

I could be wrong about this but I don't think God has a problem with a man and a woman who want to be together in a marriage and not have sex, because many regular marriages often become sexless over time anyways (due to illness, age, physical limitations, etc.)

Although the Bible says that the husband and wife are to render to each other, that's also assuming that both partners are willing and able. If both partners have mutually set limits and said, "We're not crossing this particular line," I can't see how that would be a sin, but that's just me.

However, there are some people here who WILL tell you it's a sin because they believe that the purpose of marriage means that you must produce children, so I would suggest talking to a pastor for further clarification. After all, children can be adopted if that is the case.

Best wishes to you and I hope you'll keep us posted on how you're doing!

Fear of sex is not a sin. It's abnormal, but it isn't a sin.

There’s a lot going on here. Not wanting to be sexual, your choice, all good. Thinking all dudes are bisexual, diseased, adulterers…not where I’m from. The number one reason guys get married is for a mate. If that’s off the table, if you want to get married, I hope you love to cook and clean.

Thanks so much for such wise words and suggestions. I’ve heard about asexuals however I’m definitely heterosexual and I think I have more of genophobia (fear of intercourse). As a woman over 40, sometimes I feel like a freak for not having kids or still being a virgin, it’s easier for me to be anonymous online and ask. My best friends know but my mother and female friends say I should not tell men that (even a pastor) in everyday life. I’ve been praying more to God and asking for his direction.

I’ve honestly never had any bad relationship experiences, but I’ve seen so many women get cheated on and read online about so many women having awful experiences. I know not all men are bisexual or reckless (sleep with anything), but it just seems like men can’t be relied on to stick around after sex, after a child is born or after marriage! I just don’t feel like men are monogamous and it seems that they think opposite to women. Men want to sleep with many different people and many of them love sleeping with strangers. Also, Based on my experiences on dating apps, men don’t care about STD’s.

It just doesn’t feel safe for me to let a man enter into my body or release his bodily fluids into my body, I thinks that’s essentially what my problem is.

I’m trying to pray more as a Christian though, hoping I make the right decisions. I wish there was more church support for virgin women. I know the Catholic Church has consecrated virgins, but other churches have no such support for those of us women who God has put into us a desire to remain virgins.

You have not tried dating women, I see

No, it is not sinful at all for you to think the way that you do. No, of course it is not sinful that you have not had intercourse, and regarding kids, that is a personal choice and not at all a matter of sin one way or another.

Hopefully, you will find comfort, support, and understanding from the members of this site in regards what you have stated and other areas that may be of concern to you.

Glad to have you as a member of our community.

Welcome to CC.

Nope, I’m only into men. Can I ask why you say that though?

I'm being sarcastic to make the point that it's easy to find loose women on dating sites if that's your cup of tea.

Men are not the only ones reckless about STD's. Especially since "the pill" was invented.

Hi Gina,

When I mentioned the asexual community, from what I understand, their focus is not on sexual orientation, but a lack of desire to have sex. As Christians, we only recognize heterosexuality as being from God, but from this general definition of asexuality ("no interest in sexual intercourse",) one could most definitely be both heterosexual and also asexual.

You might want to look up some information about those communities, as they are saying the exact same things as you are -- that there is no social support for people who want to choose to abstain from intercourse, and this is one of the goals of their community -- to make this choice a more acceptable option in society.

Again, your view on men saddens me. Have most of your contacts always been women? Do you not know any good men to realize that not all men are as you describe?

That would be like saying all women are out for money, and while we have a few men here who do believe this , we also have wonderful guys here from all walks of life who are very encouraging and supportive.

No stereotype or belief fits everyone.

If you are afraid of sex and never want it to happen, that is by all means your own prerogative to choose to never marry and put yourself in a situation in which you would be confronted with it.

I understand that it's a tough topic to talk about, and that doing so with women would be more comfortable. I would definitely suggest seeking out female counselors and church staff members that you might talk to.

You might even consider looking up some sexual abuse resources, even though you thankfully don't have any trauma, because they might be able to point you to other avenues of support.

*Lynx reads the first two sentences...

I'm not sure what type of church you go to but churches are normally supportive of people remaining virgins until they are married.

Are you saying that the only reason that you don't want to have sex is that you are afraid of catching a disease? I'm not recommending that you have sex before marriage, but if you are interested in getting married then you can and probably should have the guy get tested...and you can also use condoms. There is no exchange of bodily fluids that way... well unless there is an accident.

Thanks for that, that’s why discussion is important. The dating apps shocked me because I thought they were for ‘dating’, but so many men on them and elsewhere online are saying they want only hookups or casual sex with a stranger. I didn’t know we women did hookups. For me, I joined dating apps in the past in hopes of finding a guy for a relationship, I didn’t understand why guys think asking for hookups was even ok, but some claimed that they found women online open to it. As a woman and as a Christian, thats shocking to me. Most women I know and have known throughout my life want a relationship leading to marriage, if possible.

No, it is not sinful to be a virgin, be celibate, or have no kids either.

Being a virgin and over 40 is very rare, but I would not say it is abnormal. It could be, 1) you have not met the right person, 2) have strong beliefs about not having sex before marriage, 3) have no strong desire for marriage, and/or 4) have other issues such as fear/dislike of sex.

Have you had a bad pap smear experience?

It is natural for women to have temporary fear of sex, because in the beginning the muscle is stretched greatly and there is pain involved. However, it is not uncommon for women to continue having sexual discomfort but they get used to it. A man is supposed to know how to deal with such discomfort.

Online. In person. The other weekend I went clubbing because the tickets were free. I could have ended up with a pretty little blonde on my arm. In the dark recesses of my mind, I wish I did.

That's why I'm not going back. I don't need that temptation in my life.

I want to clarify one thing- I said fear of sex is abnormal, not being a 40 year-old virgin or disinterest in sex. A fair bit of the population is just naturally asexual and that's a-okay. They have other priorities.

Not saying you misinterpret me. Just want to make sure nobody takes the word "abnormal" and runs to the end zone with it.

Hello, I’ve never had a bad Pap smear experience at all.

Yes, I think when younger I feared the pain but as I get older I fear the other consequences of intercourse and being left or hurt by a guy I give my body to. Maybe I should seek some sort of therapy. I frequently feel so weird that I’ve reached my 40’s without experiencing sex. At first, it was fear and the preference to be married but now I’m even scared of marriage because it all feels fake to me and something women want but in reality men aren’t able to be monogamous. They’ve even reported that in Asia and Africa, the number 1 risk factor for a woman to contract HIV or other STD’s is being married, so married women are so vulnerable to deception, std’s and so on.

I get what you and the other poster have mentioned in terms of ‘asexuality’, I used to consider myself that until I read other claiming they were asexual and had aversions to intimacy in general. I read some asexuals saying they didn’t like being touched. I’m the opposite, I love making out, kissing and touching and being in a relationship. For me, I just can’t open myself up for intercourse or oral sex. In the past I was in relationships that lasted up to 2 years where we kissed a lot, made out, held hands, etc., but once he brought up intercourse or was expecting it, I was turned OFF and lost all desire to continue the relationship.

To me this sounds like you are turned off by sex and male genitalia as you noted oral sex, rather than fear of sex, and that you think there is something fake about sex and going through with the process.