How High Should One's Sexual Wanting Be as a Motivator to Get Married?

Or you being honest and say 15, that could potentially break the relationship),

What did I just read? 🤔

The result of a spouse not being faithful in the marriage bed can be unfaithfulness (it’s a risk, scripture itself says so). Part of marriage is intimacy, and if the man isn’t getting it from his wife (that’s an ugly way to put it, forgive me), what can he do? Practice celibacy? No, he got married because, in part, he was not gifted with the gift of celibacy (as scripture also says).

Of course we know adultery is not justified, it is sin. However, consider cause and effect. There are repercussions to our actions or lack thereof. There has to be within the confines of the covenant of marriage a clause pertaining to intimacy. Self control is not complete abstinence. Self control does not imply celibacy. It is suggested to be used for short periods of time to pray and seek the Lord. That’s it, not to be in a life long covenant where a spouse is not sharing in the marriage bed. That isn’t self control, that’s abstinence.

But this goes back to @seoulsearch and how much of a motivator is intercourse when it comes to marriage? If intercourse is an expectation, you better be with someone that has a good sex drive. That intercourse is something on their mind. That they, as scripture says, burn with desire, lol. Not someone who is, let’s say, asexual.

It goes back to being equally yoked.

Hey Everyone,

A recent post about marriage being God's holy outlet for sexual expression had me thinking about this question.

This is the reply I made to that particular post:

"It's a funny thing.

This leads into the discussion of how high a person's motivation to marry is based on a desire/need/compulsion for sex and how high it should be when influencing them to seek or marry a spouse.

We all know the infamous passage that tells us it's better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9,) but on the flip side, there have been many, many people on the forum over the years (usually in the Family Forum) who admitted to marrying specifically in order to deal with/have an outlet for their passion -- and it never seems to work out well.

I can't think of a single brave soul out there in the time I've been here who stood up and said, "YES!!! I was burning with passion before my marriage, I found myself a most reliable and usable outlet, oops, I mean, er, spouse, and bingo! Now all my flames have been tended to! Hallelujah!"

I wonder if there are couples out there who have found this to be their reality? And if they would be brave and kind enough to tell us that it actually exists?

I'm certainly not saying that the Bible or God's Word is wrong.

I'm just saying, what are we missing in that why does it seem to go so horribly wrong for so many people who are just trying to follow what the Bible says?

There are a lot of people who married thinking that they were walking into God's holy sanctions for a proper sexual outlet, and have found themselves to be utterly miserable."

And so, my intrepid fellow CC'ers... What do YOU think?

* How high should sexual motivation be when seeking someone to marry? 20%? 40%? 99.99+1/2%?

I'm pretty sure very few people would want to be proposed with, 'Hey there, how about you taking up this once-in-a-lifetime offer to be my Ultimate Holy Sex Outlet, 'til death to us part!"

And if anyone out there would actually LIKE to hear someone to ask for their, uh, hand, in marriage this way, well kudos to them for being honest!

In the time I've been on this forum, I don't think I've ever seen a married person proclaim: "I'm here to tell all you poor single people: Marriage REALLY DOES satisfy ALL my sexual needs and curiosities, even far BEYOND my wildest dreams!!!"

Shoot. I'd love it if married couples actually WERE able to tell us this!!

But I understand that it's too personal for most to talk about. And if what they've really found is a harsh reality, I wish there were people who could be honest enough with us to just tell it to us like it is: "I'm telling all you singles out there, brace yourself to be disappointed, and here's why..."

I have to wonder if marriage is like any other form of customer service? The people who are happy with their service aren't usually the ones who speak up -- it's usually the ones are unhappy with their service and have things they would drastically like to change. And I'm certainly not shaming anyone for that.

Anyone who's read my posts for a while knows that the thing I'm always after is People's Realities vs. Obeying the Rules. Yes, we are to obey the rules -- I'm not even trying to argue that.

But what I want to know is, why does life often wind up being so challenging, or downright miserable, for so many who try their best to follow the rules?

And better yet, what can be done about it, if anything?

Hey Everyone,

A recent post about marriage being God's holy outlet for sexual expression had me thinking about this question.

This is the reply I made to that particular post:

"It's a funny thing.

This leads into the discussion of how high a person's motivation to marry is based on a desire/need/compulsion for sex and how high it should be when influencing them to seek or marry a spouse.

We all know the infamous passage that tells us it's better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9,) but on the flip side, there have been many, many people on the forum over the years (usually in the Family Forum) who admitted to marrying specifically in order to deal with/have an outlet for their passion -- and it never seems to work out well.

I can't think of a single brave soul out there in the time I've been here who stood up and said, "YES!!! I was burning with passion before my marriage, I found myself a most reliable and usable outlet, oops, I mean, er, spouse, and bingo! Now all my flames have been tended to! Hallelujah!"

I wonder if there are couples out there who have found this to be their reality? And if they would be brave and kind enough to tell us that it actually exists?

I'm certainly not saying that the Bible or God's Word is wrong.

I'm just saying, what are we missing in that why does it seem to go so horribly wrong for so many people who are just trying to follow what the Bible says?

There are a lot of people who married thinking that they were walking into God's holy sanctions for a proper sexual outlet, and have found themselves to be utterly miserable."

And so, my intrepid fellow CC'ers... What do YOU think?

* How high should sexual motivation be when seeking someone to marry? 20%? 40%? 99.99+1/2%?

I'm pretty sure very few people would want to be proposed with, 'Hey there, how about you taking up this once-in-a-lifetime offer to be my Ultimate Holy Sex Outlet, 'til death to us part!"

And if anyone out there would actually LIKE to hear someone to ask for their, uh, hand, in marriage this way, well kudos to them for being honest!

In the time I've been on this forum, I don't think I've ever seen a married person proclaim: "I'm here to tell all you poor single people: Marriage REALLY DOES satisfy ALL my sexual needs and curiosities, even far BEYOND my wildest dreams!!!"

Shoot. I'd love it if married couples actually WERE able to tell us this!!

But I understand that it's too personal for most to talk about. And if what they've really found is a harsh reality, I wish there were people who could be honest enough with us to just tell it to us like it is: "I'm telling all you singles out there, brace yourself to be disappointed, and here's why..."

I have to wonder if marriage is like any other form of customer service? The people who are happy with their service aren't usually the ones who speak up -- it's usually the ones are unhappy with their service and have things they would drastically like to change. And I'm certainly not shaming anyone for that.

Anyone who's read my posts for a while knows that the thing I'm always after is People's Realities vs. Obeying the Rules. Yes, we are to obey the rules -- I'm not even trying to argue that.

But what I want to know is, why does life often wind up being so challenging, or downright miserable, for so many who try their best to follow the rules?

And better yet, what can be done about it, if anything?

Most long lasting relationships takes having much in common. Obviously a high sex drive will not do well with a low sex drive. And of course, sex is not the only thing to a relationship but it is one of God's design for intimacy and building a family. So it is important and many divorces often are the cause of money or sexual immorality.

I married young, right out of high school and still married with the women I met in high school. The sex drive in the early twenties was high on both sides and the results came 3 kids.

The highs and lows of parenting caused sex drives to be high or low and often times it was opposite for us. This created tension as for example I may had been exhausted and my spouse felt I wasn't attracted to her. It was stuff like this we had to work through. Now in our thirties it is beginning to level out as kids are growing out of the infant stage.

As for satisfaction, yes marriage provides better sexual satisfaction.

Read this-

About 88 percent of Americans say they are happy or reasonably content with their married sex. And three-quarters report that their sex lives are reasonably fulfilling. That’s according to a national poll of 1,001 married Americans commissioned by Parade magazine.

In researching for my book His Brain, Her Brain: How divinely designed differences can strengthen your marriage, I found stunning research that shows:

• Sex is better in marriage
• Sex is better among religious or spiritual couples
• Sex is not better if you cohabit

https://www.imom.com/poll-shows-sex-within-marriage-is-more-fulfilling/

My marriage fits this conclusion. It is probably because if you both conform to be like Christ then you also both wish to unselfishly serve the other with their desires in mind. You also intimately grow into a trusting relationship, where you easily learn what works and what doesn't.

When scripture says they become one flesh, it is both spiritual and physical. You are now acting as one. The oneness I would say it is what makes the religious marriages sex life better than all other ways. The spiritual is without guilt and completely free to live into God's design.

Unfortunately, this topic is not spoken on much in the church. God has a lot to say on the topic of sex and it isn't just about sexual immorality. If you live in God's design, you will be satisfied.

I could be wrong about this, but the kicker is, a couple isn't going to find out if their drives/desires/frequency is compatible until AFTER they get married, and by then, it's "too late" if/when there are major problems.

For instance, I've read about people who have been sexually abused (and it's a sadly common occurrence these days,) and the person might believe they will be totally gung-ho about an active sex life with their spouse.

But then... They actually married... and find out that each time, they're reminded of the abuse. And they start to withdraw, blame their spouse, then resent and avoid them.

I've had a few discussions with men whose wives accused them of raping them each time, because every time they tried to be close to one another, it reminded her of past abuse, no matter how hard he tried to be loving.

So here you have a situation in which the wife sees her husband as an abuser, and the husband can't get close to his wife, or he is accused of being a sexual predator. Or the other way around, as it seems to be about as common for guys to be sexually abused as girls these days.

These are the kinds of stories I hear regularly.

And all the church can say is, "You have to have communication! You need to go to Christian pre-marital (and after marital) counseling! You need to be open and clear about your expectations BEFORE the marriage!"

That's all fine and dandy advice.

But it's just not cutting it for a good number of people who are suffering in situations such as this, and people aren't given permission to talk about such things openly without being condemned back into, "Just follow all the rules, do everything the church leaders tell you to do, and if it still doesn't work out, you obviously aren't trying or didn't try hard enough."

I haven’t taken a survey or anything but I assure you that the Parade Magazine results are inaccurate. Based on comments of just about every dude I’ve every known and many women I’ve known, 88% is not the number…not even close.

I hate to be technical but how can you assure inaccuracy without proving it? Conduct your own survey and post the results otherwise it is simply your perspective.

I’m sure I could conduct a bias survey to prove my point like everyone else does. Based on divorce rates, cheating spouse rates, porn addictions and comments made by friends and peers, the number is not close to 88%. How not close to 88% is subjective.

I’m sure I could conduct a bias survey to prove my point like everyone else does. Based on divorce rates, cheating spouse rates, porn addictions and comments made by friends and peers, the number is not close to 88%. How not close to 88% is subjective.

When scripture says they become one flesh, it is both spiritual and physical. You are now acting as one. The oneness I would say it is what makes the religious marriages sex life better than all other ways. The spiritual is without guilt and completely free to live into God's design.

I agree with most of what you were saying, but I think we should be careful with this. Especially where somebody has a holdover marriage from before conversion where their spouse is a non-believer; you are not one spirit because of marriage- you can be one flesh, that is, loving your spouse as your own flesh, and the marriage bed is sanctified, but you cannot be one spirit with a non-believing spouse. If both husband and wife are believers they are one spirit, but not through their marriage.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

But on topic- Love is sanctified always, but sexual intimacy is sanctified only in marriage. If you don't want that kind of intimacy, then you don't need marriage. If you want that kind of intimacy, then you do. It's really that simple. Sex is a huge motivator for marriage. You should not get married to just anybody just so that you can have sanctified-sex. That's stupid. But if someone is not wanting sexual intimacy in their life and they are trying to get married... I'm kind of suspicious as to why.

Hey Everyone,

A recent post about marriage being God's holy outlet for sexual expression had me thinking about this question.

This is the reply I made to that particular post:

"It's a funny thing.

This leads into the discussion of how high a person's motivation to marry is based on a desire/need/compulsion for sex and how high it should be when influencing them to seek or marry a spouse.

We all know the infamous passage that tells us it's better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9,) but on the flip side, there have been many, many people on the forum over the years (usually in the Family Forum) who admitted to marrying specifically in order to deal with/have an outlet for their passion -- and it never seems to work out well.

I can't think of a single brave soul out there in the time I've been here who stood up and said, "YES!!! I was burning with passion before my marriage, I found myself a most reliable and usable outlet, oops, I mean, er, spouse, and bingo! Now all my flames have been tended to! Hallelujah!"

I wonder if there are couples out there who have found this to be their reality? And if they would be brave and kind enough to tell us that it actually exists?

I'm certainly not saying that the Bible or God's Word is wrong.

I'm just saying, what are we missing in that why does it seem to go so horribly wrong for so many people who are just trying to follow what the Bible says?

There are a lot of people who married thinking that they were walking into God's holy sanctions for a proper sexual outlet, and have found themselves to be utterly miserable."

And so, my intrepid fellow CC'ers... What do YOU think?

* How high should sexual motivation be when seeking someone to marry? 20%? 40%? 99.99+1/2%?

I'm pretty sure very few people would want to be proposed with, 'Hey there, how about you taking up this once-in-a-lifetime offer to be my Ultimate Holy Sex Outlet, 'til death to us part!"

And if anyone out there would actually LIKE to hear someone to ask for their, uh, hand, in marriage this way, well kudos to them for being honest!

In the time I've been on this forum, I don't think I've ever seen a married person proclaim: "I'm here to tell all you poor single people: Marriage REALLY DOES satisfy ALL my sexual needs and curiosities, even far BEYOND my wildest dreams!!!"

Shoot. I'd love it if married couples actually WERE able to tell us this!!

But I understand that it's too personal for most to talk about. And if what they've really found is a harsh reality, I wish there were people who could be honest enough with us to just tell it to us like it is: "I'm telling all you singles out there, brace yourself to be disappointed, and here's why..."

I have to wonder if marriage is like any other form of customer service? The people who are happy with their service aren't usually the ones who speak up -- it's usually the ones are unhappy with their service and have things they would drastically like to change. And I'm certainly not shaming anyone for that.

Anyone who's read my posts for a while knows that the thing I'm always after is People's Realities vs. Obeying the Rules. Yes, we are to obey the rules -- I'm not even trying to argue that.

But what I want to know is, why does life often wind up being so challenging, or downright miserable, for so many who try their best to follow the rules?

And better yet, what can be done about it, if anything?

It was supposed to be bias. A national poll of 1,001 married Americans.
Married is a bias as in the poll was not to include single people, etc.

The last data I saw was that divorce rates have actually fallen but many people are also not getting married nowadays.

So if the married population is low within the US then it very well could be 88% which is a great testimony for Gods Word.

Porn addictions and comments made by friends and peers doesn't necessarily follow as porn addiction doesn't necessarily mean the individual is not happy in the marriage especially with how much culture has normalized porn. It could simply mean they struggle with addiction.

Friends and peers, well that is hardly enough people to have reliable results.

Im at a loss at to what to do and I doubt even my addiction ending will make it better.

Being an almost life long porn addiction and having experienced sex, I can unfortunately say sex although enticing lacks the same thrill.

I cant imagine finding anyone that fits the bill and when I think I do they just ignore me or I find out there are taken. Im at a loss at to what to do