"One is the Loneliest Number..." Can Selfie-ism (Self-Centeredness) Be Cured?

Hey Everyone,

An ongoing thread made me think about how much society encourages us to focus on the self: basically, the world wants to tell you, "It's all about you!" And the thing is, our sinful nature might even want to shout back, "Well it's about time!!!"

I often struggle to balance a sense of trying to be there for others along with my own self-care. It can be so easy to tip the scales, and then suddenly we are either neglecting ourselves, or, on the flip side, we're thinking about our own interests far too much.

I've never joined a site like Facebook simply because I knew it would take up too much time, pull me into fights I'd rather not get into, and... admittedly, it would beckon my inner high school oddball self into wanting to try to make it look like I actually have a life. I know there is something in my heart that would fall prey to wanting to "make up" for all the cool circles I never fit into and would succumb to the temptation of trying to "show off" the best parts of my life, without the myriad of struggles.

And so, I try my best to avoid media and people who are right there encouraging our sinful nature to stand up and shout, "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!"

How about the rest of you? What have your experiences been?

* Give us an example of selfie-ness (self-centeredness) that you've seen in your own life. It doesn't have to revolve around social media -- just think of a case in which a person makes absolutely everything about themselves.

* How have you dealt with such people, whether in real life or online?

* Have you ever seen an example in which a self-centered person completely changed, and became focused on others instead?

* Do you find yourself fighting the calls of today's culture to "Make It All About You?" How do you keep your own self under control?

I would love to hear your thoughts and stories.

I heared from someone that marriage is a cure for selfishness. I am not sure about that but I think in marriage one will realize how selfish he is. It is a great challenge to overcome that selfishness thru sacrifice to make the marriage work. Some also say singles are too selfish, they only think of themselves so they don't want to get married.

I know a couple who are separated now because of their selfishness. They behave like they are still singles. They have no consideration for what the other wants. It is a good thing they don't have a child. They also fight over money. They fight for control. That is the greatest sign of selfishness if you want to control someone.

One of my biggest issues / concerns with social media is that it seems like it replaces interpersonal discussion with everyone getting their own personal soapbox / pulpit to share with the world ad nauseum. I think most forms of social media are slanted to showcasing your own opinions and ideas rather than having a discussion with other people to help refine those opinions and ideas. That's one of the reasons I've opted out of facebook, instagram, and any other social media that is a showcase me to the world type of setup in favor of things like online forums like CC. I find them better for discussion and getting to know people instead of knowing who people want to present themselves as. But the social forces that govern real life interpersonal dynamics are best for that, we kind of have to be the best versions of ourselves in the real world public since we can't just click a button and no longer have to deal with them. And they may have things we need like food, clothing, manpower to help with moving or project etc. .

I've also observed that it seems like most people are either giving oriented or taking oriented when it comes to relationships. It's impossible to prioritize both your needs/wants and other people's needs / wants equally (and gets even more complicated when some of us don't know what we really need and others can't separate needs from wants). Generally I find that givers are those far more worried about being selfish and need some other people in their lives to tell them it's ok to indulge themselves occasionally (yeah someone here has trouble spending money on herself just for fun stuff). Takers seem much more focused on what they've earned or deserve or simply think that their wanting it is reason enough for them to get it.

Gratitude seems to be the cure for selfishness (and other 1st world problems). As God reminded me when I was having some plumbing issues with my house recently, by reminding me that I could solve plumbing issues once and for all by simply not having any indoor plumbing. And then I remember to be grateful that I can afford to live somewhere with indoor plumbing, and the tap water is safe to drink, and I live near pretty much the largest source of fresh water in the world so limited water supply issues that affect many other parts of the world aren't really a thing for me either. And poof suddenly life doesn't seem so bad and while I'll spend the money to fix the plumbing; it no longer seems like a terrible horrible injustice and how could this happen to me in the meantime.

As for those utterly self centered people in the world, I do everything I can to avoid them like the plague because after about 10 minutes I've lost interest in the only thing they know how to talk about. And if that doesn't work then I start hitting them with calls to own up to their own part in making the mess they're in until they run and hide from all responsibility.

its not all about you.
Its all about God

I think its hard for some to look after others when nobody is looking after them...I am thinking of orphans especially. Spiritual orphans too.

You have to do twice as much work. When Jesus earthly dad Joseph died, he still had God his Father.

I think a lot of people just dont have that kind of Father/son or daughter relationship with God so they try to look after themselves. which is actually REALLY hard to do.

Hence selfishness, though cos they feel they have nobody else to turn to. Or even if they do they may be met with abuse.

I know some parents rely on their chikdren to carry their emotional burdens. That is asking way too much of them. But children often feel obligated to fix their parents problems. Why cos there is nobody else there.

I had this christian friend I met in a writers group, and shes writes letters to everyone which she photocopies and sends out and then adds more thoughts to.

But most of her letter is all about her health ailments and what she where she traveled and stuff. I dont rmember writing to her asking about every detail of every appointment she kept or whatever, but I just dont REALLY want to write back and post a similar litany of every single detail of my life.

How to tell her she is boring me I dont know. This lady had a reputation for making eveyrhting about her I didnt know this until I befriended her and to my cost, if you ever invited her to your home she would just literally dump her stuff on you and try to take over. eek.

Interesting thread.

It reminds me of an African concept called Ubuntu. (No, NOT the Linux based operating system.) It's a complex philosophy, but at its core is the shift in focus from "me" to "us." To practice Ubuntu is not to ignore my own needs, but to think about how I can take care of other people's needs and my own needs at the same time.

In Ubuntu, if there is a need and I am able to fill it, that is enough reason for me to take care of the need. (Don't start about enabling dependent behavior... we're talking about legit needs here.)

Curiously it is the "me" centered people who take the concept too far. They expect "us" centered people to give everything they have away, and get really derogatory and insulting if they believe "us" people are not giving enough. Most "us" people I know seem to have found a good balance between what they need and what those around them need.

Find Jesus= self-centeredness cured.

Of course, the world might not see it that way when you don't want to partake in their drama. Oh well. I might not pretend to be interested when they tell me their stories, but I'll pray for them.

I dunno... you can learn a lot by listening.

Sometimes the only thing you learn is what mistakes to avoid in your own life, but hey... I have avoided a LOT of drama by listening to other people talk about theirs.

I think selfishness can be "cured" through exposure to others who are less fortunate. For instance, a person who is very materialistic might become a bit more selfless if he/she visited poor people in another country (or even in this country). However, I do not think an independent streak, which can sometimes result in selfishness, can be "cured". But, I believe it is possible for an independent person to become more selfless.

That's true. But what I am mostly referring to, and weary of, is people boasting about some sin- and then getting all upset when I'm not impressed. So, while you sit there and patiently endure the story of their contradictory lifestyle, afterward you're accused of being stuck up because you didn't cheer for them.

I believe it can be cured. But there is no "one size fits all" cure. And it's definitely not marriage. I think many enter into marriage for selfish reasons and those marriages also fail for the same reasons.
Nor does exposing them to those less fortunate. Look at how often people criticize homeless people as they walk past them. It's become somewhat the norm to look down on people not doing as well as you.
Not to say these things can't have an affect for some people, but not for all as a blanket cure.

Like most things the first step is realizing your own selfish attitude. If you don't recognize that you have a problem then you can't change it.
The story of Ebenezer Scrooge shows this. A person shown how his selfishness brings others down, yet they remain better off than he is, on many ways.
The change happens when it all comes together in his mind and the light bulb comes on. Then change. Then he changes because he A ) recognizes the need, and B ) wants to.

Granted it's fiction but the premise still seems to be a good basic blueprint.

I don't know if it works for anybody else, but for me Ecclesiastes is a good primer for curing my selfishness. No matter what I do for myself, no matter how much money I pile up, no matter how many things I enjoy or what I might proud of, it's all useless and causes a lot of stress.

Well, the Bible puts it more poetically... "vanity and vexation of spirit..." but "useless and causes a lot of stress" is the southwest Tennessee way of putting it. And anything selfish really is just useless and stressful - it won't do any good in the long run, and it takes a lot of competing with the pride and greed of others to get it.

Sorry... That should have been "if there is a need and if it is feasible for me to fill it..."

"If I am able" can be stretched waaaaaaaaaaay too far.

I have seen one of the most obnoxious teenage boys I have ever met change overnight when he became a Christian. From a disadvantaged home, he had a hard start in life and I don't think he had any friends. It seemed he lived to annoy others, by abusing verbally or physically, and causing trouble with anyone wherever he went. People just avoided him. But when he became a Christian, total change - and overnight. No longer the angry, frowning looks, he was calm, smiling and... normal, pleasant to be around.

I like how you link selfishness to the sinful nature, because that's what it is. The bible doesn't mince words, likening it to a foreskin on our hearts needing circumcision.

Deuteronomy 10:16 Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked.

At first, I guess a natural reaction is to go "What?! My heart is not as bad as that!", as it's easy to think our selfishness (e.g. pride or being stiff-necked) isn't so bad, ugly or sinful, and that it can be cured by trying a little harder, or perhaps applying a little balm or the right ointment. Deuteronomy makes it clear that such problems are actually deep rooted and much more severe, and these heart afflictions as we are all born with require a removal procedure - supernatural circumcision - to cure. We work with the Holy Spirit to deliberately put to death our selfish ways. It's uncomfortable at first, but the more we practice it, the more we are enabled and the more natural it becomes to "put on the new man" (Ephesians 4:24).

Self-centeredness seems so prevalent lately, which really aligns great for the “self care” movement right now.

I’ve personally seen this idea of self care move to an extreme where it becomes an excuse and causes entitlement issue.

For example a friend truly believes everyone is always “taking” from him and requiring his energy/time, so he’s shut everyone off. Has no compassion for issues others may be going through because “it’s his time to care about himself”, to refresh. He thinks he deserves to be treated differently, others should know better and think of him more.

I’m not saying he’s wrong to feel that way, but it’s all about himself now. He used to be such a loving and giving person. Self care has become his excuse to shut off any opportunity to help others.

I think there needs to be a healthy balance. We can’t fill others up if we aren’t taking the time with the Lord and refreshing ourselves, but our focus is supposed to be on the Lord and others.

I think only the Lord can help us change. I believe it is impossible to overcome self centeredness as an unbeliever/without the Lord. I’ve seen someone change for the better. It’s such a beautiful thing and in my mind miraculous. I pray this happens for my friend.

Dunno... I find that if im already my biggest fan i don't really need an audience lol, plus its fun to sometimes let others shine for a bit.
Being accepted and validated is fun, but not always needed. Life is much easier being self amused rather than spamming the internet while hoping for reactions. Most don't value themselves on that level first though, so instead they approach others as empty, begging and hoping to be filled with the attention that they don't even give to themselves.

It kind of reminds me of a dude i used to go to school with. I remember one time the teacher put him by himself because he was always
talking and being the center of attention, he looked miserable as he sat in the corner by himself. It was almost as if, him by himself
was a completely different person and i could tell by the look on his face that even he didn't like that person.

With facebook its mostly the messaging that I use, not the profiling. There are groups you can join or create so its not really all about you. Also depends on who you accept as your friend or follow. You can unfollow people if they post too much stuff you have no interest in.

proud mums tend to post stuff about their children. While I can understand it sometimes Im like what do your children know you post about them even though it could be embarassing. lol

its predecessor, Myspace was more about you. People used it to profile themselves and put their music on if they were in an indie band or something. I never joined it.

twitter is more about broadcasting messages. I dont join it, doesnt appeal to me.

thats social media. The one I hated the most was linkedin that was all about self promotion. had a hard time trying to figure that one out but thankfully not on there anymore it would spam you with stuff about work all the time.

selfishness is more of a thing where satan wants you to be God. I think humans naturally think they are like God and then its crushing when they find out they are not. That there is a God above them! But thankfully through Jesus we find that the God almighty above us loves us a Father. Hes not someone who hates us. He forgives us.

You might like using Discord

never heard of it sorry.
youngsters these days are all on tik tok or insta. I dont do either.