My Young Nephew, How to Talk to Him

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K

kaylagrl

Guest
#1
#1
I was talking to my sister last week and found out some heart breaking news. She didn't want anyone else to know, but shared it with me. My 13 yr old nephew was caught vaping. But far worse than that, he lied about it and hid it from his parents. His older brother was the one who told on him because he's a by the book kid. Once he told his parents and brought the vape out to them, the younger one denied it first, then confessed in tears. My sister said my oldest nephew went outside and cried for his little brother. Makes me cry just writing it.

So here is the deeper issue. They have a cousin on their father side who is adopted. He is a year older than my youngest nephew and he is hell on wheels. Because he is adopted his parents let him have and do whatever he wants. He's a big influence. He lives close to them and he's at their house about every other weekend. If they go anywhere, he's invited along. He's an only child so he spends a lot of time with my nephews. He was the one that got my nephew the vape pen or whatever it's called. My sister also said that he was sending dirty pictures on the phone to my youngest nephew. They live in a small town that is full of drugs.

Making everything more difficult is that my sister doesn't get along with her sister in law. Her SIL has a vile tongue and has said many things behind my sisters back to try and get her in trouble with the family and her own husband. She ever told her once that we, her family, didn't love her. Just anything cruel she can think to say or do to hit at my sister, she will do. She's known in the family as the one you don't cross because of the drama she causes. So my sister is left with the young cousin coming over and challenging my youngest nephew to do things he shouldn't. My nephew told me once that his aunt lets him watch movies his mother told him not to. smh

My youngest nephew is a follower and I fear so much for him. My sister has had a very unstable marriage, her husband has a horrific temper. She felt that she needed to stay married for the kids. But now, her husband won't stand up to his sister and tell her what her son is up to. They fear he's already been messing around with girls and porn. My brother in law already has a daughter from another marriage that got pregnant out of wedlock. She's divorced and on her second marriage and she's still in her 20s.

About a year ago my young nephew was having an issue with hoarding garbage. He would hide it under his bed. My mother found garbage he had pulled out of the can in the room he stays in at her place. I believe that was an issue with his parents unstable marriage. He's been on and off meds to help him focus and concentrate. I don't think he's on anything now. My sister says he doesn't have a good close friend. Too many drug addicted families in the area and he doesn't need that influence. My husband and I have always been close to the boys. I only have two nephews. We have taken them everywhere and they have always been perfect kids. It breaks out hearts that the youngest is having these issues. My husband is a smoker and has been trying to quit. He's often warned the boys to never start and told them how hard it is to stop. I want to reach out to him, but I don't want to hurt him or have him shut me out. My sister said he's been very clingy lately with her and when they came up to spend a week here, just the two of them, he was very clingy with me, hugging me, sticking close to me, laying on me when we sat on the couch. And that worries me because that makes me feel there is something deeper going on. I love him as my own son, but I'm seeing a change and it's not a good one. He may be coming up to visit this week and I don't know how I can reach out. He doesn't know that I know what he did. Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to add as many details as possible. If anyone has any ideas, I'd be happy to hear them. Thanks.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#3
#3
MatthewWestfieldUK said:
Time to move house
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Yes, I agree that would be the right decision. Unfortunately her husband is very close to his family and is unwilling to move. His parents live right beside him, his brother on the other side of his parents. I'm praying something would happen to change his mind.
 
H

Hungry

Banned
#4
Nov 26, 2012
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#4
Does his father see the behaviour as warning signs or “boys will be boys”?
 
M

MatthewWestfieldUK

Well-known member
#5
May 13, 2021
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#5
kaylagrl said:
Yes, I agree that would be the right decision. Unfortunately her husband is very close to his family and is unwilling to move. His parents live right beside him, his brother on the other side of his parents. I'm praying something would happen to change his mind.
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Have you been through similar experiences? Do that u can talk with empathy for him?
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#6
#6
Hungry said:
Does his father see the behaviour as warning signs or “boys will be boys”?
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I haven't had a chance to talk with him. He talked with the cousins father, but they agreed not to tell his mother. He still insists that he come over and spend time with his son. So I would say he's not as upset about it as my sister is. My sister said if she caught him in a lie again she would take the door off his room, check his clothes and he would have no more privacy. Which is fine but he'll just do it outside the house. My sister has really been the one to discipline and raise the boys. Her husband has a lot of emotional issues and been on and off meds himself. He won't go against his family, he's scared to death of his father.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#7
#7
MatthewWestfieldUK said:
Have you been through similar experiences? Do that u can talk with empathy for him?
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Yes, I have empathy, I don't want him to get off the path so early in life. We've talked about a few things. But my husband did some drugs in his early years before he became a Christian. He'd be the best to talk with him. My nephew almost idolizes him. I think he's about the only strong and stable man in his life. But as much as he loves and admires my husband, he never talks about his problems or issues with him. I think he wants my husband to see him as perfect. I think he'd be very upset to know that my husband knows what he's up to. He did say to him once that the family was betting on which one of them was going to be caught smoking dope first, him or his cousin. I think my husband saw something before the rest of us did. My husband is not loud and brash, he's just very quietly direct. It's sad because I don't think my nephew has had a father figure in his life, even though he has a father. I told my sister what my husband said and she said "don't stop". We want to pull him back from the bring now before this becomes a pattern. The cousin is a bad influence, but my nephew is a follower. He has to learn to stand for himself or he's going to have a lot of troubles in life.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#10
#10
MatthewWestfieldUK said:
Sounds like the adopted one needs help first.
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I fear he won't get help until he's old enough to leave home. His mother indulges his every wish and whim. The father does whatever he's told. Her temper is so bad that he use to take his son and stay a few days at a motel till she calmed down. She herself is a mess and no one can speak to her or she goes off the rails. The child is doomed until he leaves home.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#11
#11
MatthewWestfieldUK said:
I mean the root cause is the influence. Need to keep young people into sports and hobbies
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Yes, with the pandemic all that stopped. But it's ramping back up again. My nephew is good at sports. My oldest nephew hangs with the cousin sometimes but he's by the book and is hoping to go into the military. He is part of JORTC here, it gets them started on the path. I think my youngest nephew may follow his older brother, and right now, that is a good thing.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#13
#13
MatthewWestfieldUK said:
Online gaming is an option
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School is starting again here soon. He's got things he's trying out for this week. If he gets into the JORTC program they are very strict and keep the boys busy. They do things to help the community and have their own uniforms. I'm thinking this would be really good for the youngest. His cousin was in it and his mother took him out because he wasn't doing what was required to stay in the group. So I'm praying the youngest will get involved and find a good friend.
 
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MatthewWestfieldUK

Well-known member
#14
May 13, 2021
871
498
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#14
Im pro military but don't agree with the mentally that the men get sometimes. It's often emotionally suppressed and a lot of bravado
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#15
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#15
eek, thats a tough one
I had a friend I hadnt seen in while, she used to chain smoke, and then quit of her own accord for many years, (after her uncle apparently died of emphysema) and now I see her again shes taken up vaping.
I dont know what to do. Her husband as far as I know still smokes I am supposing shes taken it up again and he doesnt encourage her to go straight either.

So when I last saw her, for a cuppa with another friend, we were waiting dor the other friend and then just before the friend turns up she days to me do you mind if I go have .a vape. And I go, I dont think you can smoke in the cafe, so she goes I will go in the carpark, so I have to wait around for her to have her vape and then find my other friend before we can all sit down and have a cuppa.

I should have said YES I DO MIND.

However, I dont really know what emotional issues/stresses shes going through that she feels she needs to avoid or block out by vaping. Its not something I can really fix, other than pray she turns to God for comofrt rather than a vape.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#16
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#16
Your nephew, I think really needs a good older friend, maybe also needs a good church youth group to hang out with, if you can find any in his area.

Once he starts making good friends, and has a safe place of his own to go, the older cousin wont seem so appealing to hang out with. The other things is, evem though boys tend to be reluctant readers, if you supply them with enough GOOD reading material, i.e books, they know that books can provide a friend when people cant.

find encouraging books or appealing books on things hes interested in, hobbies, etc. Or something like not all heroes wear capes. Or the minecraft Bible. I dont know how old your nephew is...but can he read? I dont assume everyone can..,
 
H

Hungry

Banned
#17
Nov 26, 2012
3,095
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#17
kaylagrl said:
I haven't had a chance to talk with him. He talked with the cousins father, but they agreed not to tell his mother. He still insists that he come over and spend time with his son. So I would say he's not as upset about it as my sister is. My sister said if she caught him in a lie again she would take the door off his room, check his clothes and he would have no more privacy. Which is fine but he'll just do it outside the house. My sister has really been the one to discipline and raise the boys. Her husband has a lot of emotional issues and been on and off meds himself. He won't go against his family, he's scared to death of his father.
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You’ve posted several times regarding the dynamic of that family. No situation seems simple with them. Those boys are lucky to have you backing up your sister. I was having an issue with my son. He was a couple years older than your nephew but the process started around 13. When he was 15ish he was very defensive and combative. We thought it had to do with a concussion he suffered. Regardless, the more we pushed, the harder he pushed back. It was a trying time. We knew if we didn’t get through to him, we would likely lose him to bad decision making to ease his pain. One day in prayer God explained on this section of road of life, friends had a greater influence than parents, so try being friendly. We still held our views and expectations but instead of attempting to dominate and force our will I hung out with him more. I knew he liked billiards (pool) and ping pong so we made a games room and played more. We talked more while playing and my goodness, the kid was hilarious when he wasn’t talking back. Rather than failing courses we thought he should take, he excelled in programs he chose. Last semester he took a co-op course in construction. My company picked him up and he’s a really good worker. We get along awesome. When I thought he needed a kick in the butt, he actually just needed someone to accept him and let him screw up a little while he figured stuff out in his time. His mom still prefers the “do what I say when I say it”, method. It creates animosity. Then I have to take him aside and explain to him, “Dude, she’s not wrong. I know you don’t like it when she talks to you like that but you have to admit, what you did was lazy. She works hard. You have a good mom. Don’t be disrespectful.” Then he calms down and does it. He’s just insecure. He doesn’t want to feel dominated. I’m not sure if this is helpful, but it really made a world of difference in our home. He made better decisions and better friends.

Your nephew is at a crossroads right now. He found a person who treats him like an older person. Treating him like a kid and beating him up will make him feel less accepted and respected. He wants to feel empowered, like he’s significant. Hobbies are good. Sports can be good. Coaches can be a good influence. My football coach decided to be my “big brother”. He was a huge asset in my decision making. He didn’t act like some know it all adult and he didn’t let me act like a stupid kid. He ended up being my best man at my wedding. You and your husband are in the perfect place. You can be the ones who offer him the acceptance he needs. Don’t be the second parents. Be the aunt and uncle your nephews need. They need to screw up. Screwing up and learning from mistakes is God’s teaching tool. Letting them know they are loved even when they’re stupid is key to being influential. I pray that wisdom finds you, and courage finds your brother in law. Be blessed.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#18
#18
Hungry said:
You’ve posted several times regarding the dynamic of that family. No situation seems simple with them. Those boys are lucky to have you backing up your sister. I was having an issue with my son. He was a couple years older than your nephew but the process started around 13. When he was 15ish he was very defensive and combative. We thought it had to do with a concussion he suffered. Regardless, the more we pushed, the harder he pushed back. It was a trying time. We knew if we didn’t get through to him, we would likely lose him to bad decision making to ease his pain. One day in prayer God explained on this section of road of life, friends had a greater influence than parents, so try being friendly. We still held our views and expectations but instead of attempting to dominate and force our will I hung out with him more. I knew he liked billiards (pool) and ping pong so we made a games room and played more. We talked more while playing and my goodness, the kid was hilarious when he wasn’t talking back. Rather than failing courses we thought he should take, he excelled in programs he chose. Last semester he took a co-op course in construction. My company picked him up and he’s a really good worker. We get along awesome. When I thought he needed a kick in the butt, he actually just needed someone to accept him and let him screw up a little while he figured stuff out in his time. His mom still prefers the “do what I say when I say it”, method. It creates animosity. Then I have to take him aside and explain to him, “Dude, she’s not wrong. I know you don’t like it when she talks to you like that but you have to admit, what you did was lazy. She works hard. You have a good mom. Don’t be disrespectful.” Then he calms down and does it. He’s just insecure. He doesn’t want to feel dominated. I’m not sure if this is helpful, but it really made a world of difference in our home. He made better decisions and better friends.

Your nephew is at a crossroads right now. He found a person who treats him like an older person. Treating him like a kid and beating him up will make him feel less accepted and respected. He wants to feel empowered, like he’s significant. Hobbies are good. Sports can be good. Coaches can be a good influence. My football coach decided to be my “big brother”. He was a huge asset in my decision making. He didn’t act like some know it all adult and he didn’t let me act like a stupid kid. He ended up being my best man at my wedding. You and your husband are in the perfect place. You can be the ones who offer him the acceptance he needs. Don’t be the second parents. Be the aunt and uncle your nephews need. They need to screw up. Screwing up and learning from mistakes is God’s teaching tool. Letting them know they are loved even when they’re stupid is key to being influential. I pray that wisdom finds you, and courage finds your brother in law. Be blessed.
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For some reason this is speaking to my spirit. I'm going to read it several times till I get it. My nephew is the youngest in this group. It's him, his cousin, his older brother. I failed to mention that my sister and her husband are "mentoring" a young man. He's pretty much living in with the family. So this sets up a pecking order. A few weekends ago something odd happened. My nephews came to visit, they stay at my parents. They were there a couple days and then my sister and her husband came and brought this young man they are mentoring. The boys had been spending time with us and when we got back to my parents and we walked in and this young man was there. My sister said this was my oldest nephews "best friend". What was odd was that my oldest nephew didn't seem to be overly enthused that his friend was there. And my youngest nephew seemed upset that he was there. Normally a really loving kid he started talking back and acting smart mouthed with us. It was very odd. I asked my youngest nephew about this young man, who seemed very nice and respectful. He said he pretty much lives at their house. I asked if he got along with him and he said it was just "someone else to annoy". I said "so it's like having two older brothers", he said it was. My mother said she found that my oldest nephew gives in to his friend and that his friend bosses him around. I'm wondering if this also has an effect on the whole situation. We don't love close so we can't really be there to be much of an influence. But I'm hoping we can be some influence and help, right now while he is young and it counts. Thank you for your post. I appreciate your advice.
 
JerryInBoston

JerryInBoston

Banned
#19
Apr 12, 2021
902
211
43
#19
These kids are young enough where one meeting with the right person or persons can make a lasting impression. Call around, and if your sister finds someone who is willing and able, make arrangements and take all those kids to nearest children's hospital or children's burn center, and have them meet some youngsters their age and younger that are willing to talk to your sisters kids about all they go through while never losing hope of one day enjoying a day of life outside of the hospital.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#20
#20
JerryInBoston said:
These kids are young enough where one meeting with the right person or persons can make a lasting impression. Call around, and if your sister finds someone who is willing and able, make arrangements and take all those kids to nearest children's hospital or children's burn center, and have them meet some youngsters their age and younger that are willing to talk to your sisters kids about all they go through while never losing hope of one day enjoying a day of life outside of the hospital.
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JORTC is very much about doing for others and the community. But that is also a very good suggestion. My nephews have always been very good around us. And they know better than to step out of line. But recently this issue came up. I don't want to over- react about the vaping, but I think it could quickly lead to worse things. Harder to pull them back once they have started down that road. I need to get my sister to look into that. Thank you for the suggestion. I've just been praying that I would have the right words and do the right thing to help him. I recall when he was a baby, I would take him outside and teach him different words. And then I would lay my hand on his little head and pray that God would protect him and keep him close to Him. I love them both like they were my own sons.
 
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