High standards ?

Tbh I had no issues finding dates before I was Christian. Im still trying to figure out what im doing wrong but it appears pointless. Im very close to giving up. Giving who I used to be I cant imagine any Christian woman who'd want to date as many ive seen have very high standards. Not usually physical but spiritual standards. Which I find even more difficult to live up to. Im no Boaz or David so I'm thinking its fruitless to try. Am I better off dating a non Christian and hoping they convert? 🤔

Honestly my friend I have wondered the same thing in the past, but the truth is that they are more likely to pull you down than you are to bring them up. I know that it seems like the "eligible" Christian single women have such high standards that even the saints from the Bible couldn't obtain them, and for the most part that is true. Not all are like that. Just like not all of us guys are going after Ester's or Ruth's. The best two pieces of advice I can give as a single Christian man is to pray and be patient. Most definitely not easy, but in the long run better than being with the wrong woman or women(that I can at least speak to).

In such matters I default to the wisdom of Hobbes.

"When things seem that way to me, I take a nap in a tree and wait until dinner."

Yes, I cant say my own standards are super low either but perhaps I view things from a worldly perspective to some extent ( its something I need to work on) I just wish they could just give me a chance. I spent a few months on a Christian dating group for nerds and I was asked out on a date. Unfortunately the female had no intention of a relationship and just "felt sorry" for I guess 🤷‍♂️ I quit the group afterwards. She has asked me to rejoin but I find it to be a very depressing place knowing it wont go anywhere. Im probably not ready for relationship anyway.

Well David was an adulterer and murderer with multiple wives, not to mention that he spent years on the run for his life and his wife at the time was given to another man, so the real life David probably wasn't someone most modern Christian women would be interested in. And what we know about Boaz was he was rich, but it seems like he was older and still unmarried when Ruth proposed to him / asked him to propose to her. And flip side for the Biblical women Ruth was a penniless foreign widow and Esther was most likely forced into a foreign king's harem.

If a woman asks you on a date, you flake out and leave the site, and she asks you to come back and you don't think she's sincere in her intentions.... what would a woman who liked you have to do to convince you that she really did like you and didn't just feel sorry for you? And if you haven't done much dating as a believer and a Christian woman is willing to take you on a "practice" date, that's not the worst idea in the world either even if there's no real romantic future in it.

She told me she had no intention of dating after I spent weeks thinking I might get a girlfriend. She told me I deserved to be happy and find someone.(which is complete nonsense as I deserve no such thing)It was quite irritating as she WAS the one I wanted and she ignored any further advancements. I hope if a female likes me they would tell me straight out . Tbh I still talk to her as I havent had the heart to block her. Im probably not ready for dating, but if I was im out of luck it seems.

Im pretty sure she doesn't want a mock date anymore as I brought it up and she ignored it...

No. I married a pretender. It did not turn out well. Be yourself. Let God be your guide, not your imagination. A lot of women, both Christian and not, have impossible standards. Honestly, they are kidding themselves. The man they want does not exist.

Put Jesus first in your life. Let Him lead you and guide you. When He shines through you, the right kind of woman will be attracted to you. Give yourself time. I know it's hard. I was in my 30's when I married. I rushed into it because I was getting desperate. It's the worst decision I've ever made in my 70 years on earth. And I've made a few bad ones.

My brother , I have being waiting a long time also , not because of high standards but because I didn’t meet the person the Lord prepared for me , but one thing I am sure the Lord will confirm in my heart and In his heart when the time comes . Like some brethren shared here , don’t rush , is a very serious decision , but the right one , she will be willing to walk with you , to help you to overcome your difficulties, she will pray for you ,fight with you and be by your side encouraging you , when the right one comes she will love you and fight to see Christ in you . Pray and ask the Lord to be your joy , to give you peace and patience to wait and I’m sure the Lord will give you discernment and you will know when the one shows up. Now invest in you , while you wait seek the Lord , study the scriptures and seek to delight in his presence, seek him first and all the others things will come in his time . Take Heart my brother 🙏🏻 I’ll pray for you now . God Bless you

Thank you

It seems to me you're just trying too hard, and women can sense that and it's a turn off. You regularly come here and talk about how this didn't work and that didn't work. Have you considered not trying so hard to find someone and letting it happen more naturally?

For example, my gf, when she came around I had Zero interest in dating. I started getting the feeling she was interested and began purposefully trying to dissuade her. It was nothing against her, just how I felt in general at the time.
Clearly I changed my mind, and we'll be together 18 months the end of the month. With plans to meet as soon as we're able (covid got in the way of our original plans).

And she takes her faith seriously.

As I think you know, I'm a 45 year old with long term depression and anxiety, as well as being disabled for a variety of issues in the past 10 years. So I've got my own load of baggage.

Remember, Abram gave up waiting, too. And took matters into his own hands and look how poorly that went for him (and the rest of the world).
And the fact that you're talking about settling for something you don't want reveals the overly high priority you're placing on this.

Also don't think that whoever you date will automatically turn into something more serious and that it won't end in pain. I dated and ended up hurting so much I almost missed out on the chance with the wonderful woman I'm with now. Be grateful you don't have to endure all that first.

Good to hear! tbh I need a lock on my phone or an accountability partner as I always make posts like this when im irritated and than I regret it when the irritation passes.

Nobody is ever better off dating a non-Christian, that much is certain. I've seen a lot of Christians try it and never once has it actually turned out good.

The best thing that you can do, and that I think most people can do, is just live your life and see if God sends someone your way. Get to know them as friends first.

Koji,

I try to keep up with your posts because I find you to be a very interesting person.

After reading many of your threads and posts, I can't help but think that you talk to "us" (posting here on the forum) about how you really feel a whole lot more than what you tell the actual person herself?

When you're having these feelings and conflicts about someone, do you think it might be helpful to direct her here to read your posts as a way to communicate to her what you're thinking but can't really say to her?

I certainly understand posting out of frustration -- we all do it.

But whenever you write these threads, I can't help but think every single time that you should be spending more time talking to the person involved, not us.

I'm certainly not saying that you should stop posting what's on your mind -- it's great that you share with us -- but it just seems that if you put even half the energy you do venting here into trying to honestly talk with the girl of your affections instead, you'd at least know where you stood and if you should move on.

While I can definitely sympathize with everything you write, as we all suffer rejection, I also wonder if you think about it from the girl's perspective. Please forgive me if I am assuming too much and feel free to correct me, but it seems like a lot of times you're going by how you interpret her actions rather than actually having a real talk with her. I often wonder if you're just guessing at what she's feeling or if she actually told you that was what she was thinking.

I was especially struck last time when you mentioned having this deep affection for her one day and then pretty much hating her and wanting to punish her the next day because you're picturing her with another guy. But then it seems like eventually you'd give in and still talk to her because you couldn't bear to let her go at the same time? We've all been there, trust me.

Again, please put me in my place if I am out of line, but this is terribly unfair to both of you. It's obviously torturing you and it's on the verge of being emotionally abusive to her, because being angry with her and wanting her to palpably feel your anger with her for having a life without you is wrong. It's not your right to punish her for not going along with what you want. I assume that this also plays a part in your constant quitting and then rejoining the group again -- I understand needing to distance yourself but is it also to make sure she notices when you come and go? (Yet another way to "punish" her with your on-and-off presence/communication?)

I've been on both the dishing out and the receiving sides of this kind of treatment and as as much as we get caught up in our emotions, it's flat-out wrong for us to treat someone this way.

Whenever you find yourself in this cycle, as you seem to have described being in this place a few times in your threads, you're going to have to learn to cut yourself off from the person completely, or at least only have casual contact with them in a group if you're always personally running hot and cold towards them.

As for impossibly high standards that you've mentioned women have in other posts, you've also said that you yourself have extremely high standards, especially when it comes to looks, so it's really hard to expect something from someone that you can't offer in return.

What plan of action, or small steps do you think you can take in order to make positive steps in your life?

My next step is to get over her. I thought I was but yesterday I was triggered and I fell in to the depressing issues again. Tbh this issue is a minor annoyance compared to my other issues. Although I have had some good news lately. You are correct its not okay and she does not deserve that. Im seeing my therapist today so I'll bring that up. I just got to stop this here tbh. I know I'll completely get over it eventually. This will be the last post on this subject as im feeling pretty awful about it. As for showing her this that sounds like something I rather not do. I think it just needs to stop. Im very close to moving on.

Kudos do you for moving in the right direction, Koji!

I have always enjoyed your posts because there is a whole lot that you write about that I can relate to. Please don't ever feel embarrassed or ashamed for what you share with us here. We all have bouts of emotion and it's natural to want to vent. And hopefully you're telling God everything you tell us, and much more.

You've really been through a lot and it's very admirable that you keep fighting the good fight, Koji! I'm so glad you are able to talk to a professional as well, to help you sort and organize your feelings into something that you hopefully find more manageable.

I also agree that if you are moving past all this, showing her any of this would only set you back.

Don't feel that this has to be your last post about this topic, because it's something that obviously periodically enters your mind, and to tell you the truth, we all struggle with it. Although I've always been part of the Christian community, I've often marveled at how dating standards within Christian circles are heaven-level high, with everyone thinking that God's best means we will all be automatically granted our own custom-designed unicorn.

In some ways, I guess that's to be expected because in the dating secular world, most people are looking for "the right now person" rather than the "right person" that we Christians are out trying to find.

Don't get discouraged, Koji. You're not alone. So many of us are in the same boat and I hope your time on this site has opened the doors for some good friendships. I have often included you in my prayers because as I said, I can see a lot of myself in you.

If there is anything I can do to help or if you just need to vent, please feel free to PM me or leave a message on my profile wall and I will get back to you.

No need to regret. You spoke what you needed to get out. Sometimes people will only be totally honest with others, or themselves, when upset. Granted it's not ideal, but it's a start.
And until we're honest we can't find the information we truly need to hear. So maybe don't wait so long before sharing, so you don't miss out on things that may be a true help.

I get where you're coming from, though. You and I are both people that constantly struggle to improve and grow and change. While also afflicted with things outside ourselves that makes these difficult tasks even more difficult.
Learn to locate and lock in with those that you find most helpful and learn who simply makes things worse and move past them.