Considering giving up pursuing a relationship with another woman

I've recently been led on by a woman that I was interested in. Long story short, I thought she was single and had a level of interest in me, so I asked her out but she gave me a half baked answer. I later discovered, while I was working she has a boyfriend (and one that people thought she broke up with over her faith and life expectations), and it happened when I saw them on the street. This isn't new to me because almost every single time a woman I like and would just want to ask out that this happens. However, I'm just getting sick of being led on, not getting a full answer and having to find out on my own (out of the blue), and end up being extremely disappointed.

Thing is, I'm not a desperate man and can go out with another woman if I wanted to. I'm a decent looking guy who's lost a whole bunch of weight, dresses far better than what I had before, more athletic and in shape than what I was, and I'm doing more fun things, such as dancing, traveling, playing party games, hitting up good restaurants and places with adult beverages, and I enjoy just hanging out at a coffee shop or a similar establishment. I also enjoy lively conversations and, respectable and civil, debates, and I enjoy hearing what a person's opinion about a subject (and I don't judge them).

However, the women that would be after me or would go out if I asked are not what I would call godly nor trustworthy. Typically, they're single moms that have multiple kids with multiple partners or they're so far out there with the way they view life I don't want anything to do with them, in terms of dating and relationship (or a combination of all that). I've looked at dating sites and even subscribed to them. I tried going on dates through them, but nothing. And the ones on those sites that would go out are not Christians.

Basically, the only ones that keep coming back up are the ones that I am NOT interested in. It's one thing if I was in my 20s and I could go out with anyone, but being in my 30s, I know what I'm looking for in a woman. But every time I think I found the qualities I'm looking for in a woman, with a woman I met and got to know, disappointment hits me like a ton of bricks, in the form of being friend-zoned and discovering she's already seeing someone without telling me after I ask her out. Instead, the half baked answers is all I'm left with, and I'm tired of that.

I've been, internally, struggling on whether or not just giving up on pursuing a woman. The fact that I've been having such a hard time just getting a straight answer to go out on a date, even if they had shown interest in me, has me discouraged severely. And I know I'm not the only one that this has happened to.

At times, though, I wonder if it's me. I know I'm different, and I might be the type where I'm fun to be around, but not good enough to be with someone who's stable and has their head screwed on right (because of the type of person I am), let alone go on a date with me.

There's times where I wonder if I just had bad luck and unexpectedly find the wrong person who I thought met what I was looking for. Or it just might simply be many women today being taught that they're not obligated to give straight answers anymore and put guys through the ringer.

Whatever the case, I'm feeling discouraged and I am in a spot right now where I'm trying to decide if it's even worth anymore. I'm tired of the heartbreaks, the half baked answers, being put into the friend-zone, and being led on. Besides, single life isn't bad. I get to do what I want, when I want, and how I want. No obligations nor pressure from another person.

However, as easy as it is to say something like that, I have to say, as far as doing fun activities, a female companion makes it even better. They enjoy your company and makes you feel desired. The last woman I was seeing made me feel that way. Issue, again, came down to faith, and she wasn't a believer. The most recent woman I was interested is, but seemed like she thought she was too good to give me a straight answer, especially with her being a pastor's daughter.

Now that there is no woman, and after everything I've been through, I don't know what to do because there isn't anyone in my area or near where I live that I'm interested in. What'll happen next, go out of town and meet someone, and risk getting the same results, like every other woman? Continue looking for other women around where I live, only to continue being burned? Or do I stay single and risk having others continually looking down on me because I'm 35 yrs old and single with no kids?

This sounds pessimistic, but please realize these are just my thoughts and I may be overthinking all this. Again, I know I'm not the only guy going through something like this, and I would like to know what you would do in making this decision making. I'll say this, prayer will be helpful and maybe I just need to do more. If there is one thing that I think God wanted me to see it's just because they proclaim to be saved and loyal to Him, it may not be true, and those people might not be straight forward with others.

Again, I know I'm not the only guy going through something like this, and I would like to know what you would do in making this decision making.

The women you seem to be bumping into are all the same? I'd say 90% of the single gals I know who are younger want to be married. I assume you don't have a large church around you? At my church they have different ministries and zoom groups to get to know other Christians.
A healthy tip is not to even get close to thinking 'relationship' ties before you go on a few dates and ask indirect questions to get to know the person. Most of the single gals I know are Christians who dream of being married and later kids.
Always ask for the Holy Spirit to give you discernment when in doubt of a person's character and He will. Also, I know couples who have met while doing volunteer work for church or good causes.
Finally respect yourself, you aren't here to be taken advantage of or deceived, but that's where your spiritual eyes and ears come into play. If something doesn't jive, don't go further til you figure it or drop it. There ARE plenty of good Christian women around, so take it easy, I'm sure you'll find the right one.

I appreciate the advice being given, fully, especially to those offering encouragement because it's helping. Now, to those who giving their two cents (but, quite frankly, sounds like you're putting me down rather than giving real advice because you haven't offered any yet nor any encouragement), let me add context to the story and myself:

So to address the part about me not being desperate, I'm not mincing words here. I'm NOT desperate. If I was, I would have picked up ANY woman. I'm not a part of hookup culture, as I believe it's far more destructive than what people would imagine. I would consider myself a decent looking guy, so attracting women on a physical level alone isn't much of an issue. I also like to say that I'm a fun person to be around, from what I've seen with others. The last woman I dated, we had a lot of fun together and people mentioned it when they saw us. However, because of my faith and how I was brought up to practice traditional dating, I don't want to ask out just ANYONE that I would deem hot.

I've come across plenty of beautiful women, but never pursued them because they're ungodly. Many of them, from what I've seen, have taken advantage of men, so I want to make sure that not only am I attracted to them but also interested in their character and beliefs. I have standards of what I'm looking for but I'm not greedy, at least I try not be. Ultimately, yes, I know I'm not perfect, but I do try to follow in His ways and I realize I may stumble from time to time. I'm breaking out of my shell, I've held myself up (and that's on me), and I'm ready to live life. Now that I got that out of the way, let's move on the story.

This woman I WAS interested in (I'm not any longer) is a pastor's daughter. She seemed nice enough, checked off what I was looking for in a woman, and (supposedly) is godly (I'm questioning it, so I'll get into that in a moment). I got to know her a little better and found out we had some things in common. So I thought 'what the heck, I'll ask her out' but was nervous to do so because I kind of liked her at the time. I just didn't want to come across as needy, and I was afraid of rejection. Part of that comes from me being very overweight and had seen myself as the fat guy for a long time. That's no longer the case. I was 330 pounds, but today, I'm around 190 pounds, so I look and feel a heck of a lot better. Even then, the old mentality creeps up and pounces. That's what kind of happened here and was kind of shy for the most part around this woman.

Anyway, her ex-boyfriend is an atheist, and she called it off because of that. At least, that was the story she gave to the people we both know because when I asked them, they said she was, and they said the two stayed friends. They gave a description of the guy as well, and a week after I asked her out and the day I saw her with this guy, the description of the ex along with the guy she was with matched perfectly. Not only were they holding hands, they were also very intimate with each other. It was a brief encounter, but it told me everything I needed to know.

Now, it's possible the guy could have been saved and if it turns out to be the case, that's good. Another possibility, maybe he was willing to learn what it was like to be saved. However, given everything leading up to this point (and I'm not saying this is the reason), there's a strong possibility he's still an atheist, has no plans on changing, and she's fine with it, but might have told a white lie just to give her cover in front of the congregation.

Whatever the case might be, and I'm pushing back on the notion to what someone said earlier on hear, people NEED to be forward with the others. No 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts.' If consider ourselves to children of God, we need to have our 'yes' be 'yes' and 'no' be 'no', and I can handle 'no' answers just fine because, at least, I know where we stand. What I DON'T like is this guessing game. "Does she like me? Will she go out with me? Will she come up and talk to me? Is she interested in me?" It's one thing for teenagers to do this stuff and dwell on it, but when you're an adult, most of these games need to be over and done with. Men, typically, don't have time for this stuff, but when it happens, it gets them down. I say the same thing about women wanting straight answers as well. It's wrong not to do that, and I know there are other men, like myself, and women that go through it. So let's not split hairs here and come up with excuses.

I'm sorry this seems like a novel I'm typing up and I promise I'll be done soon, but understand that I've made changes in my life that I needed to make and it feels like it's all for naught because I had reprioritized what I'm looking for in a woman many times and still nothing. Top of my list is she must be saved, then cares for others (friends or not), respects the value of masculinity in men (and men in general), and cares for herself in mind, body, and soul (again, being saved). I don't care if she looks like a supermodel or not, or if she's rich or poor, if she doesn't meet any of these things on my list, she's not worth my time. I just felt like I had a winner with this one, but I was wrong, and I realized even the people you would think would be good, typically, that's not always the case. It's a hard lesson to learn, and it's why I'm struggling with this decision of being single the rest of my life or wait for that one person. I'm done with these heartbreaks, the indirect answers, and the games that mean nothing. I know I'm not alone on this. Again, thanks to those that gave me good advice.

I appreciate the advice being given, fully, especially to those offering encouragement because it's helping. Now, to those who giving their two cents (but, quite frankly, sounds like you're putting me down rather than giving real advice because you haven't offered any yet nor any encouragement), let me add context to the story and myself:

So to address the part about me not being desperate, I'm not mincing words here. I'm NOT desperate. If I was, I would have picked up ANY woman. I'm not a part of hookup culture, as I believe it's far more destructive than what people would imagine. I would consider myself a decent looking guy, so attracting women on a physical level alone isn't much of an issue. I also like to say that I'm a fun person to be around, from what I've seen with others. The last woman I dated, we had a lot of fun together and people mentioned it when they saw us. However, because of my faith and how I was brought up to practice traditional dating, I don't want to ask out just ANYONE that I would deem hot.

I've come across plenty of beautiful women, but never pursued them because they're ungodly. Many of them, from what I've seen, have taken advantage of men, so I want to make sure that not only am I attracted to them but also interested in their character and beliefs. I have standards of what I'm looking for but I'm not greedy, at least I try not be. Ultimately, yes, I know I'm not perfect, but I do try to follow in His ways and I realize I may stumble from time to time. I'm breaking out of my shell, I've held myself up (and that's on me), and I'm ready to live life. Now that I got that out of the way, let's move on the story.

This woman I WAS interested in (I'm not any longer) is a pastor's daughter. She seemed nice enough, checked off what I was looking for in a woman, and (supposedly) is godly (I'm questioning it, so I'll get into that in a moment). I got to know her a little better and found out we had some things in common. So I thought 'what the heck, I'll ask her out' but was nervous to do so because I kind of liked her at the time. I just didn't want to come across as needy, and I was afraid of rejection. Part of that comes from me being very overweight and had seen myself as the fat guy for a long time. That's no longer the case. I was 330 pounds, but today, I'm around 190 pounds, so I look and feel a heck of a lot better. Even then, the old mentality creeps up and pounces. That's what kind of happened here and was kind of shy for the most part around this woman.

Anyway, her ex-boyfriend is an atheist, and she called it off because of that. At least, that was the story she gave to the people we both know because when I asked them, they said she was, and they said the two stayed friends. They gave a description of the guy as well, and a week after I asked her out and the day I saw her with this guy, the description of the ex along with the guy she was with matched perfectly. Not only were they holding hands, they were also very intimate with each other. It was a brief encounter, but it told me everything I needed to know.

Now, it's possible the guy could have been saved and if it turns out to be the case, that's good. Another possibility, maybe he was willing to learn what it was like to be saved. However, given everything leading up to this point (and I'm not saying this is the reason), there's a strong possibility he's still an atheist, has no plans on changing, and she's fine with it, but might have told a white lie just to give her cover in front of the congregation.

Whatever the case might be, and I'm pushing back on the notion to what someone said earlier on hear, people NEED to be forward with the others. No 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts.' If consider ourselves to children of God, we need to have our 'yes' be 'yes' and 'no' be 'no', and I can handle 'no' answers just fine because, at least, I know where we stand. What I DON'T like is this guessing game. "Does she like me? Will she go out with me? Will she come up and talk to me? Is she interested in me?" It's one thing for teenagers to do this stuff and dwell on it, but when you're an adult, most of these games need to be over and done with. Men, typically, don't have time for this stuff, but when it happens, it gets them down. I say the same thing about women wanting straight answers as well. It's wrong not to do that, and I know there are other men, like myself, and women that go through it. So let's not split hairs here and come up with excuses.

I'm sorry this seems like a novel I'm typing up and I promise I'll be done soon, but understand that I've made changes in my life that I needed to make and it feels like it's all for naught because I had reprioritized what I'm looking for in a woman many times and still nothing. Top of my list is she must be saved, then cares for others (friends or not), respects the value of masculinity in men (and men in general), and cares for herself in mind, body, and soul (again, being saved). I don't care if she looks like a supermodel or not, or if she's rich or poor, if she doesn't meet any of these things on my list, she's not worth my time. I just felt like I had a winner with this one, but I was wrong, and I realized even the people you would think would be good, typically, that's not always the case. It's a hard lesson to learn, and it's why I'm struggling with this decision of being single the rest of my life or wait for that one person. I'm done with these heartbreaks, the indirect answers, and the games that mean nothing. I know I'm not alone on this. Again, thanks to those that gave me good advice.

Really? I quoted the Word of God and His command. That command transcends any human advice.

So how well did you actually know this woman? Yes it's disappointing to have your illusions shattered, but it sounds like you barely ever talked to her and didn't ask her out. And if you did (and she was decent enough to be honest) she would have told you that she was with someone else. Only other ways for that to play out would be she'd lie to you that she was available and be dating two guys at once while pretending each of you were her only relationship or else she was only with ex because she didn't think she could find anything better and would dump him for you and probably dump you when she thought she found someone even better. All that to say, don't despair because the one woman you thought could be wonderful turns out to be not all that after all. Lament with the Psalmist in Psalm 73 about "surely in vain have I kept myself pure" and then go on to realize that your moral standards are protecting you from ending up with a woman who will just make you more miserable than singleness ever could.