Relationship Goals

Hi Everyone, My name is Tina and for the last 7+ years my partner and i have been very back and forth with each other. I've felt as though he has been pretending to have faith for some time now just to get what he wants from me. I have been very decieved by him and we are at a tipping point right now. I know the Lord has called us to be married, but my trust in him is non existent. I am also aware that Trust is a choice, but how do you get rid of that fear? God says to give all my worries and anxieties to HIm but how? Is it really that simple?

Hmmmmmm (Edit - I should have said more, I'm sorry. That said, if your best friend came to you and gave you the above sentence . . . you've given her a solid thumbs down. I could be wrong, but, I don't think any good friend would ever say, "Oh yeah! Sounds like God orchestrating things . . . go for it!"

Try not to let those seven years cloud your thinking. History can squash rationality and reasoning. Just my two cents.

Okay, but God teaches us to forgive, is there a limit to how many times i am to forgive him? With that being said, yeah he lost my trust, but as a Christ follower, isn't it possible for him to change HIs ways by Gods grace? Therefore, I just have to Trust God in order for me to be able to trust him again? lol sorry, my mind goes everywhere with this.

I believe I hear what you're saying. Sorry for the high level of shock about to strike you, but here goes . . .

I was molested as a kid by my boy scout master. I totally forgive him . . . forgiveness is not an issue at all. That said, if I chose to not hang out with the dude and be his little buddy, no one would think ill of me. We can forgive a person for raping us, but we should not test our sense of Forgiveness by forcing ourselves to befriend our rapist/molester.

Those of us who hang onto relationships longer than we should, usually have a reasonable explanation for it. My parents were abusive and didn't want me anymore, so they (divorced) agreed to pay the gay piano player at church to take me, which he happily and eagerly did. Consequently, having been paid to be taken away like trash, to this day, it is the most horrible experience just to take a cat to the humane society. For me to do anything that even remotely close to abandoning someone, or an animal is very difficult. And that meant that I stayed in ugly relationships longer than I should have.

It wasn't until the age of 49 that I had discovered the emotional state of "confidence." I had none, and regardless of our level of confidence, that sense of us affects nearly every aspect of our lives. When one part of our psychology begins to suffer, it can attach itself to other elements of our life. Imagine if a young boy never gets over his fear of darkness . . . eventually, the chances of this fear being a problem in his dating and worldly life, is certain to become a problem of sorts. And if that happens, this chaotic thinking can take a person deeper and deeper into self-hatred that eventually . . . they may kill themselves.

We're all vulnerable if we don't keep a reign on our emotions. Therefore, it's imperative that we begin to believe in ourselves as good, normal, healthy people. We've got to get over ourselves . . . both the good and the bad, and become balanced. A truly confident person neither loves themselves too much nor do they hate themselves. A confident person is balanced and sees the world in this way. But more, a truly confident person will struggle to be around those who lack this confidence . . . and who live in a way that causes a loved one to not trust them.

Think about it . . . if you were Truly confident, would you tolerate a relationship that was so abusive that you couldn't hold trust in your partner? Truly confident people enjoy helping others who are struggling, however, we certainly don't want to be in a relationship with a person who finds disdain for themselves. Yuck . . . it's difficult to love a person who doesn't love themselves.

Who knows . . . I know nothing but the ultra-basics, and I certainly and impossibly couldn't know anything about the details of your circumstance. But I will leave you with this . . . those who are weak and insecure don't have the right to be. Why? Because it is weakness and insecurity that causes a person to launch into sin, and when we sin, we inevitably hurt others. Do we somehow think that we have the free right to hurt anyone we choose? No, we do not. Therefore, it seems True, that we don't have the right to be weak and insecure. And that's the bad news for the BF. Since he lacks self-control to the degree that it causes you to not trust him, he should just start packin' unless he would rather temporarily remove himself from the home, go out and get the help he needs to change, and then come back home and try again.

Of course, marriage before living together is wildly preferred. Hey . . . I'm guilty in my former life . . . done it far too many times.

Sure it is. The Lord can extend His Grace, Mercy, and Compassion to anyone He so chooses. It is certainly possible!

Are you hanging your relationship on a possibility?

Hello BattleAngel, the Bible tells us to "rebuke" those who sin against us (to make sure that they know what they've done to us), and ~IF~ they repent and ask to be forgiven, we are commanded to forgive them, again and again and again. As the Lord Jesus tells us,


As for serious relationships that lead to marriage, true believers are not to be unequally yoked/bound together with unbelievers (unbelievers include CINO/Christians In Name Only, of course) .. 2 Corinthians 6:14-18. This is a very important issue that should be addressed separately from the issue of forgiveness. IOW, it's a great thing if he is responding to your rebuke and asking to be forgiven, and while you must forgive him from your heart (whenever he does so), this hardly constitutes the grounds that a Christian marriage needs to built upon.

It's easy to forgive, and we must do so if we are asked, but "trust" is something that must be earned and will take time to regain when lost. However, in the case of Christian marriage, you need more than trust, you need to know that the man you are marrying is a true, born again believer before you tie the knot.

God bless you!

~Deut

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Or pretending nothing happened. Forgiveness is taught, but so js Wisdom, which not many seem to acknowledge.

So, essentially, you're at the point you've wasted 7 years. And you want to cling to this relationship and potentially waste how many more?

God can change those that Want to be changed. God, however, won't change people who aren't seeking it, or at least willing.

Most people that come to this site claiming God wants them in their troubled relationship seem to not stay in those relationships. It's very easy to convince yourself of the things you want.

Broken trust can take years to mend, and that's assuming the one that broke it is actually making the effort to fix things.

Hello 2ndTimothyGroup, I agree with you, as I do not believe that God will choose to bless someone (particularly a believer) who is living in sin.

There are very few times in the Bible where the command to obey is made clearer than it is in this case (see the passage below) since not only is the command given, but the Apostle Paul defines it further still so that we cannot miss his meaning. He also tacks this very unusual statement or qualification onto the front of the passage by telling us plainly, "this is the will of God".

Here's the passage.


God bless you!

~Deut
p.s. - I'm very sorry to hear about all of the things that you had to suffer through as a child, but very glad to hear that the Lord has seen you past them, PTL

WOW DEUT!!! I enjoyed reading your response, it was so well written and easy to comprehend. I agree with everything that you said. Turns out we haven't been equally yoked for many years now. I moved ahead of him in my relationship with God and he got bitter. We both did actually. He has repented and I have forgiven him, but the next step is trust. Your're right, it can take a very long time to earn it back, but do you think that God can make it happen supernaturally? Like magic? I know that sounds somewhat naive but thats how I have always thought of God's Power, like real magic.
I would always tell myself that he was pretending and for a long time I think that he was. He pretended like he had a relationship with God but in reality he only had a relationship with himself.
At this point, I feel as though he is my God ordained soulmate, and I believe that he is finally moving through him, but I can not lie anbd say that i am not afraid and having a hard time Trusting God on this one. I know it's a choice to trust, but why is it so hard?

I have felt as though I have wasted 7 years of my life, that is true. Ive also felt as though I have learned so much from those 7 years even though they were very painful. I believe that God wants us to forgive always, it's a good choice that He wants us to make consistenly. I have no desire to cling onto a relationship with anyone if they aren't making an effort. We are at the tipping point right now & I am dealing with major fear. My problem is that I need to choose whether or not I can trust the man anymore.
He has been willing to chamge, but it has been such a slow process. I have been impatient because well... 7 years later...
We want to be together, but I am struggling with trust.

If thats what the Lord tells me to do, then yeah haha

I believe that I am finally confident in my identity. I feel like maybe thats what you are getting at, is it?
I wasn't always, I thought I knew who I was but it was all a facade. I didn't know who I really was until I started taking my relationship with God more seriously. My man really broke my heart a few times over, but I forgave him because God said to. If I wouldnt have been told that this dude is my God ordained husband, I would not be bothering with him.

I believe that he was the one that lacked confidence. Because of that he projected his insecurities onto me and didn't go to God at all, like ever. I find it hard to trust him because of our past and I dont know how to get myself to trust again. Is it going to be some kind of supernatural occurance or is it quite literally just a choice that I have to make? Life's questions can be quite trivial sometimes.
I would like to say thank you for being brave enough to share your testimony with me. Not everyone has the courage to talk about the bad stuff but you did, so props to you! I am grateful to have had this exchange with you.

I 100% believe thats why we kept getting stuck, we weren't being obedient and so we weren't recieving His blessings.

I think if you were 100% sure he was your God ordained husband you would have no questions. Marriage isn’t about merely sharing a space and finding someone who we are comfortable with. It is two becoming one. There is oneness in mind and deed to make it work. You don’t share a bed, you share a purpose. If your purpose in life is incongruent with his, then there is your answer. If you are not walking on the same path then there is a very real possibility that the paths will spread very far from each other and you will eventually be walking alone.

What an outstanding post! And thank you for your concerns . . . but this crazy suffering with both of my families continue. 100% each of them refuses to include me in reality; refusing to even acknowledge my presence in this world. No big deal to me . . . I have God on my side! And when the Lord is on your side, all things will be made right, and to those who endure . . . oh, Heaven is going to be so amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's go!

100%. If you read the Old Testament, it is filled and littered with Holy Mind Control. It is an inescapable, Biblical fact!

And I am thankful for this exchange with you as well . . . I enjoy using my life-pain as medicine for others. That is how I deal with the pain of my past, current, and assured future.

I will tell you this: As a man if my woman ever cheated on me, I feel that it would be impossible for my body to ever be able to "perform" for her again. I am far too sensitive and I'd never be able to get past the fact that she gave what was mine to another man. Anyone who is capable of getting over such a thing . . . superhuman!

I'd also like to share this little idea that I had a few months ago. Ok . . . so the last woman that I was intimate with, was during the time that the Lord Indwelt me Powerful in the middle of the Arizona Desert. This happened during my sinful relationship with my former girlfriend. I am convinced that I was being tested; tested to choose either this incredible gorgeous woman whom I had discovered the most incredible way to be intimate, or to choose my Jesus Christ. I chose Jesus and I walked away!

It's been years and I haven't even approached a woman for a date, let alone touch one in whom I felt desire. I have abandoned the idea of marriage and intimacy entirely, however, it seemed right to leave open the idea that I could one day marry this last and final woman in whom I had slept with. Simply put, I was burning in lust for her. And though she had slept with other men while I had remained faithful to our intimacy, I was still burning in lust, and Paul is clear that it is better to remarry than burn in lust. In one of my moments of "burning in lust" for this remarkable body of flesh, I was convinced that God "gave her to me." I was convinced that the Lord had opened our combined hearts, and that we would come together in marriage and be rewarded with what we both want so badly. And yes, she wanted me as much as I wanted her . . . physically. The problem is that I was prepared to Truly Love her, and that meant total service; total Love; total honor; total respect; total dignity; total admiration . . . but she was prepared to marry for the sex alone.

Our last conversation was so bizarre, backward, and utterly twisted . . . I no longer pursue her simple friendship. In fact, I don't care to ever speak to her again. But . . . I was convinced that the Lord had given me His Holy Approval. I was wrong . . . and at the expense of appearing to brag, I am not wrong very often. I was shattered. I almost couldn't believe that I was wrong in assuming that the ultra-strong feeling that I had within the depth of my heart and soul for her. How could this be?! But the Truth is, is that I could never be with anyone who spoke to me as she did . . . with such utter lunacy. And though I was convinced that the Lord had said His "Yes" to me (regarding this worldly angel), I refuse to be treated as anything less than Loved, honored, respected, treated with dignity, and even admiration. If my woman doesn't admire me, then what's the point. Even though I felt that the door was open to her, and I would think and believe the same thing if I had such strong conviction, I will not waste one more moment on the hopes of having the best sex on the planet. I refuse all worldly goodness in exchange for my dignity and pride.

In another sinful relationship of mine, I landed a former Philipina model who happened to have four million in the bank, not to mention her assets throughout the world. Wow . . . not bad! Unfortunately, she was rude, cruel, and mean. I tolerated that for a couple of months, trying to find a way within myself to endure her insanity . . . I couldn't do it. I have always told myself, "I am not a piece of crap that can be treated in these ways." I wasn't mean or cruel to her, but we parted ways after just a couple of months.

I see your photo/avatar . . . you should have no doubts of yourself. You've been in Babylon, my friend . . . it's time to set yourself free.

Leviticus 26:13 NLT - "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt so you would no longer be their slaves. I broke the yoke of slavery from your neck so you can walk with your heads held high."

Exactly. 7 years wasted. Yet you think sticking around will change things, when instead you could learn from the past. Will it take another 7 years to realize?
I was in a long term relationship, that I feel was a waste. And yes, I learned a lot. But I wish I'd learned a lot elsewhere without the sense of wasted time.

I didn't say don't forgive. I said forgive and forget are not the same. You can have someone that keeps hurting you. And forgive them, but that doesn't mean you have to stick around to let them keep hurting you, just because you forgive them.

It seems to me if you have to work that hard at figuring something like that out, That alone should be a major clue as to how to decide.

I would rather guess you feel you've invested so much time and energy into this relationship you don't want to feel you threw it away. So you stay in it because even bad relationships bring a level of comfort and security.

I'm sorry that this will be our first real interaction here, but I do have two questions for you:

1. How do you know that the Lord has called you to marry this man?

2. Why does your profile say that you're married if you aren't?