Dear Ladies: You Can’t Custom Order A Husband Like You Can A Starbucks Drink

Ok, full disclaimer, I'm married. But I saw this post on my FB feed and it's getting a lot of feedback. So here is the article,


https://thefederalist.com/2021/05/0...der-a-husband-like-you-can-a-starbucks-drink/

Now when I was single I spent a lot of years traveling and really didn't think about everything I wanted in a man, other than being a Christian. It was a back burner thing for me. But within this article is a link to an article another woman posted "Single Ladies List." Now from the perspective of a married lady I had a chuckle that this. And I thought it's no wonder men are so confused about what women want, I think they are confused themselves. The list is huge, but I want to try and post some and start a discussion, for both sides, about expectations in marriage. I look forward to seeing the answers. Here we go...


Boo must be:


1. -Expressive of love and devotion and affirmation of me

2. -Emotionally expressive, romantic, demonstrative in gifts and gestures

3. -Fun to be around

4.-Confident but not arrogant or cocky or unhealthily charming/too flirtatious

5. -Not afraid to pursue me, or if he is, he still does diligently

6. -Quirky, non-boring sense of humor

7. -Present, not distracted

8. -Easy to be around

9. -Curiosity about me, to study and know and understand and best love me, an interest in where I’ve come from and what makes me me

10. -Unafraid to affirm and show affection

11. -Great listener

12. -Is clear about his priority of me

13. -Sensitive and aware

14. -Not an approval addict , -Not an attention addict

15. -Notices and pays attention to little things: dates, anniversaries, details, places that are significant to us and me and him

16. -Values my words and contributions to conversation

17.-Pays attention to me when with friends, wants to serve and be near

18.-Sentimental and soft-hearted

19.-Rugged and appreciates nature and beauty

20.-Writes notes and communicates love regularly

21. -Whimsical and cares about living a great story together

22, -Loves children, old people, friends, family, lingering

23. -Regularly shows me affection in various ways and reminds me he’s thinking of me

24. -Supportive always, even in disagreement

25. -Cares deeply about my wounds

26. -Nurtures, loves and promotes my voice literally and figuratively

27. -Recognizes and respects my physical limitations with great love and sympathy

28.-Cares about and prioritizes and sacrifices for my needs

29. --Cares about my experiences with romance, loss, sense of curse, feelings of worthlessness, knows and tends to wounds

30. -Hunger to understand my background influences and experiences

31. -Not patriarchal

32. -Great with money

33. -Willing/adventurous eater -Loves exploring -Loves eating out, enjoys little luxuries -Plans vacations and trips with and for me

34. -Loves to cook with me and for me



Ok, this even all her list, but these are some of the interesting things she posted. I'd like to hear your opinions on this.

Seems like someone could simplify this list as worships me and devotes himself to taking care of me and doing romantic things for me. Also sounds like someone should expect to be single for a long time.

It also strikes me that so much of that list is about how he makes her feel which is almost impossible for a guy to work on or develop.
And I imagine that if a list of what you have to be is your first impression of a potential partner, you aren't going to stay interested for long.

when people present others with a laundry list of stuff to do its like. Ok here we go...more work.

SHe might regret making the list when it falls on her to organise a wedding, which I've seen others totally stress out about and takes years to plan.

the 'great with money' number 32 is funny, Why she didnt put it on the top of the list as obviously with a list like this it takes a lot of it --- talk about high maintenance!

I remember in high school the 'in crowd' girls would tell the boys they didnt want to go out with 'you can't afford me'

the rest of the girls would just say 'shove off' or something else if they didnt want a boys attention.

This is a very long list, and I believe some of these items can be grouped together. Also, I'm not even sure why some of these items are even on this list (Fun to be around, Easy to be around, etc.), that's kind of like...duh.

I think it is hard to find the "perfect" spouse because no one is perfect and everyone has faults, and compromises must be made.

Spouses should make it clear if they are unwilling to make compromises on certain issues upfront (i.e., no cats/dogs, kitchen must be meat-free (but you can eat meat outside though), etc.).

That's some list lol

Well, two things...

1. Sorry if this sounds vain (definitely not my intention), but, in all honesty, that list sounds very much like me, with a few possible exceptions, so I do think that such a man exists.

2. Having said that, lists like this really trouble me. What I'd like to see is a list where a man lists what God wants him to be as a husband, and a wife lists what God wants her to be as a wife. It's my experience that those who are so focused on what their partner should be like never work on becoming what they should be like themselves, and that's a recipe for disaster. Just saying.

There is an Erma Bombeck book called "a marriage made in heaven, or, too tired for an affair." Ever read it?

In the first chapter she talks about standing at the altar across from her husband and cataloging a list of all the things she needs to change about him. It's a long one.

Most of the rest of the book talks about them compromising in various situations and working through life as it comes.

In the last chapter she is much older, a little wiser and reviewing the list she made so many years ago at the altar. None of the changes she was wanting have happened, but she realizes that's not only okay but actually better than what she had hoped for.

This person sounds like a high maintenance burden. People who want much usually have little to nothing to offer. If they want much they would be needing to offer those things and planting the seeds necessary to be able to draw those types of things out of people.

1 Corinthians 13 comes to mind.

You should focus on "becoming the right person you are looking for is looking for" rather than focusing on finding that right person under the myth of meeting the right person = happily ever after. Check out Andy Stanley's 'The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating.' I think the sermon series is available on youtube, but the book goes into much more detail in depth.

a man who acts like a man but still leaves the toilet seat down. Or maybe he just goes outside.

It's been said that a woman has three things on her mind on her wedding day:

1. The aisle.
2. The altar.
3. Him.

From then on, it's just more of the same:

I'LL ALTER HIM!!!

And so it goes...

Maybe because I married later in life, I really didn't have any thoughts on "altering" or changing my husband. I guess I was just happy someone was willing to put up with my behind at that age. And I have a bit of a dramatic family that comes with the deal. I'll never live this one down, but when he got down on one knee and asked for my hand I actually responded " are you sure you want to do this?" Now, when the family goes cray I remind him that I did give him a chance to run.

It's possible that as community disintegrates and we end up with fewer people who are a part of multiple aspects of our lives (unlike idealized old timey communities where you bought stuff from your neighbors, saw them in the shops, your kids went to the same school and you went to church together) more and more people (especially women) are looking for their spouse to fill the role of not just spouse but also group of friends and buddies. So a woman wants her husband to be her man and one of her girlfriends which is pretty much impossible for any guy to do successfully.

I'm so sorry Kayla -- this is an awesome post and I came in here thinking I had a whole bunch of points I wanted to make, but honestly, I think I got to about #7 on this "list" -- and I was already so exhausted that I had to give up.

I would not even want to be this woman's friend (because I'm sure I'd never qualify,) let alone think of trying to set her up with a guy friend or relative.

I know it's important to have standards but one thing I am learning is that life is nothing but a deck of wild cards that no one can predict how they or anyone else will react to.

I've been blessed to talk to several people about the things they've faced in relationships and marriages such as a miscarriage (or other death of a child,)inability to conceive, cancer, long-term illness, loss of the ability to work, schedules that keep people apart, affairs, changing jobs and locations... and of course, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

"Fun to be around," "hunger to understand me," and "plans vacations with and for me" is really going to have to find a way to step up to the plate when you're facing a dying parent who needs long-term care, a child with special needs, or pandemic that wipes out your source of income.

Rock on, G00WZ!

After years navigating the shark tank that is the dating pool, one of my biggest turnoffs has become someone who demands a laundry list of things from someone else that they do not meet themselves.

So if this woman is wanting a man who "hungers to know about her background and experiences" -- how actively is she going to pursue learning as much as SHE can about HIM? And if she wants a man who plans and does all these cutesy little fairy tale things for her, what does she have to bring to the table to make HIM feel just as special?

I always tell the story of a dating profile I ran across years ago of a man who was demanding "only women who were former, or have the builds of, gymnasts and cheerleaders, etc." He said that "God made men visual, therefore, I must have a physically attractive wife."

And this is where I came up with the saying, "If men are visual -- do men think women are blind?"

Now I have to give him credit if his photo was being honest -- but he was very clearly very overweight, and with a very noticeable double chin to boot. Now, I am not criticizing anyone who struggles with weight. And I do realize that opposites attract.

But there is no way I would ever marry a man who expects me to survive like a rabbit on lettuce leaves and then kill myself at the gym while his idea of being "supportive" is sitting on the couch eating Doritos while asking me how many calories I've burned.

More and more, I am learning that marriage is about serving. I try to ask God, that if He wills it, He would give me someone I am happy serving for the rest of my life.

BUT, on the flipside, the first thing the guy I'm looking for will do WON'T be to shove a list of unicorn demands in my face. Rather, he's the guy who is going to ask, "How can I help?"

And conversely, I hope that I am always asking him the same.

This is funny to me because I didn't think it's possible for someone to be so 100% narcissistic. I wonder if she ever found a man so insecure that he worships her and the ground she walks on. 🤔

Yeah. These lists are silly. Rarely do people end up with the kind of person they expect to. We realize some traits aren't so great after all, and others are better than we thought.
Or the way we interact changes the dynamics of certain behaviors. Or we change over time and our priorities alter.

I think my gf is in that situation. I'm just about the opposite of what she would have looked for in someone, in Many ways. Yet our relationship is solid and she's grown to accept and understand and sometimes even enjoy things she never would have previously.
She stepped out of her expectations and did not find what she expected. And has, instead, opened up her own world and see things differently.

So it's good to know the areas you're not willing to change on, but a lot of the smaller areas, just let them go and give people a chance.

I do not desire a husband in this season of my life. However, I have studied the Biblical role of a husband. I studied it because in my experience, the Biblical role of a husband isn't something that is really emphasized in church. It's glossed over at best. In my experience, more focus has been placed on what a Godly wife should bring to the table.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her … Ephesians 5:25

We know that Jesus died for the church, but Jesus also demonstrated AGAPE love for the church in so many other ways BEFORE he died for the church.

Characteristics of Agape love
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13:4-7&version=NIV&interface=amp

Jesus FORGAVE the church. Ephesians 4:32

Jesus showed COMPASSION. Matthew 9:36, Matthew 14:14, Matthew 15:32, Mark 6:34, Mark 8:2

Jesus was HUMBLE. Philippians 2:5-8, Matthew 11:29, Matthew 21:5, John 13:1-7

Jesus was NOT SELF SEEKING. His goal was to please and do the will of his Heavenly Father, so he could be a blessing to the church. John 5:30, John 6:38 Matthew 26:39

Jesus promoted PEACE. John 20:21, John 16:33, John 14:27

Jesus PRAYED for the church.

Jesus promoted TRUTH. John 18:37, John 1:14

Jesus proclaimed JUSTICE. Matthew 12:18

Jesus is a GIVER and not a taker. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17, Matthew 11:28, Matthew 15:36

Jesus SUFFERED for the church. 1 Peter 4:1-2

Jesus came to SERVE the church. Mark 10:45 Matthew 20:28

Jesus stopped calling the church slaves and started calling the church FRIENDS. John 15:15
Why? Because that’s how Jesus AGAPE - LOVED the church.

The Bible says that husbands should …

- DIE for their wives. Ephesians 5:25
- NOURISH and CHERISH their wives. Eph 5:29
- should not be harsh with their wives. Col 3:19
- PRAISE their wives for their good deeds. Pro 31:28
- TRUST their wives, if they are virtuous. Pro 31:11
- HONOR their wives. 1 Pet 3:7
- dwell with their wives in an UNDERSTANDING way. 1 Pet 3:7
- Recognize and treat their wives as co-heirs of grace. 1 Pet 3:7
- be FAITHFUL to their own wives. Pro 5:15
- should not have sex with other women. Pro 5:17
- be happy with the wives they married when they were young. Pro 5:18
- be attracted to their own wives and stay deeply in love. Pro 5:19

Based on Christ's example and the instructions given to husbands, potential Christian husbands should cultivate the following virtues:
love
forgiveness
compassion
humility
generosity
peacefulness
a consistent prayer life
truthfulness
seek justice
long suffering
service to others
view wife as a friend rather than his slave.
die to self
gentleness
praise (words of affirmation)
trustfulness
understanding
faithfulness

That's a tall order and long list, but it is scripture.
No man or woman (besides Jesus) is perfect. Even men (and women) striving to love like Jesus and cultivate the fruit of the spirit will fall short.

FYI: Potential Christian wives should be cultivating ALL of the same virtues. Why? Because BOTH men and women are instructed to AGAPE love and cultivate the fruit of the spirit. John 13:34-35,
Gal 5:33