parents stay together just for kids- what to do as the kid?

Hey,
I recently learned that my parents stay together for us kids. One of my parents has informed the other that us kids are the reason my parents are still together in that parent´s opinion.
This leaves me overwhelmed, feeling a little guilty and heartbroken for the parent who did not say that to the other. Their marriage has been very hard to watch for years and neither of them are happy which has obviously affected us kids strongly.
I also just don´t know if this will mean separation when we move out/ are older.
Please just pray for me and give me some advice for how to act and maybe some encouragement?
God bless.

The first thing to remember is that, it really is not about you or any siblings.
It's really about how hard hearted they are. So the next thing to remember is that people and relationships can be messy. (So pick wisely when it comes to you.)
Also there is nothing you can do, and it's not your responsibility to do anything either. Just pray and do your best not to internalize it.
It's their hard heartedness, their fear, their selfishness. You are innocent of any of this. You didn't cause it, and it's not about you.
I hate it for you because it's gonna be tough. Keep your chin up and learn from their mess, and you will be all the wiser for it.

Thank you! This helped.

I'm so sorry to hear this, and I can't imagine how hard it is for you. I totally agree with Blackpowderduelist. Please know that it is not about you or anything you did and they are doing what they are doing because they love you more than you can possibly imagine. If you end up being a parent, you will probably have a deeper understand at that point of the sacrifices your parents made for you.

thank you- it has helped to look at it as a sacrifice
unfortunately I can´t help feeling it´d be better if they didn´t try sacrificing so much because it just makes us suffer so much. But maybe that´s not wise, and I´ll try looking at it as a sign of love.

Hi, DorotheaSofia.

I was child number eight out of nine, and my own parents divorced when I was twelve years old. Like you and your siblings, my siblings and I witnessed many horrible interactions between our parents, but, truth be told, we weren't the cause of any of them. One of my brothers died when he was only six years old (before I was born), so eight of us (one has since died, and both of my parents are now dead too) continued on after our parents divorced, and five of us basically came out unscathed, but three did not. In fact, two of the three still seek counseling today, and my parents' divorce was about forty-seven years ago.

Although I came out fine from the get-go, I actually gained a much better understanding of both of my parents long after they divorced which helped me even further. My mother actually wrote and published a book about her life, and I had never read it, even though I had a copy of it for years. After I eventually read just the first chapter many years ago (that's all that I needed to read), I gained an even better understanding of how we (my siblings and I) were never a part of the problem. In other words, my mother carried some horrific events from her own childhood into her own adult life and marriage, and it was basically "deja vu" or history repeating itself.

Near the end of his life, my father typed out his memoirs (only about 30 pages or so), and gave all of us (me and my siblings) a copy of the same. As with my mother, it was basically "deja vu" or history repeating itself in that he had a horrific childhood as well that he carried with him straight into adulthood and marriage.

My point is that all of these things which greatly affected their adult lives and their marriage transpired before any of us (me and my siblings) were ever born and before they even got married to one another.

It's possible that the same principle applies to your own parents, and that what you're witnessing between them is just a reliving of their own pasts as well, before any of you were even born, so try not to blame yourselves for anything that is currently transpiring.

In my own case, I was married for eighteen years (we were pretty much separated for the last three), and my ex and I had three children together. Currently, they are 18 (daughter), 15 (daughter) & 13 (son), and they've definitely been negatively affected by things they witnessed when my ex and I were still together, YET they've not only gotten better since we divorced (my ex cheated on me multiple times and then divorced me), but they're also happy that we're no longer together. They presently live with their mom, only about 10 minutes away from me, and i see them all the time, including earlier today.

At my end, I honestly did everything imaginable to stay together with my ex for at least two reasons:

1. I had entered into a covenant of marriage before God, and I didn't want to break it.
2. I wanted my children to grow up in a stable environment, and I would have died a million deaths if I could have guaranteed the same.

I truly was willing to sacrifice my own life for theirs, so this might be what one of your parents feels as well.

Whatever the case may be in your family, you cannot blame yourselves for any of this, nor can you define your own self-worth by any of this. Their failed marriage isn't a reflection upon you, but rather upon them.

As far as encouragement for you and your siblings is concerned, I would encourage you to try to see yourselves as God truly sees you.

I don't know if you've ever sold or bought anything online (ebay, Amazon, etc.) or maybe even at a garage sale, but you can determine how valuable something is by the price that somebody is willing to pay for it.

In the case of you and your siblings, the price that God is willing to pay for you is the sacrifice of his Son, Jesus Christ.

THIS is your true worth, and NOT anything that is going on presently between your parents.

In the midst of your ordeal, please try to look up towards God through Christ, and he will provide all of you with the grace necessary to not only get through all of this, but also with the grace necessary to ensure that history doesn't repeat itself in your own lives later on.

You can have stable lives yourselves, even if you start in an unstable environment.

Hopefully, this will be of some help to you and your siblings.

Thank you so so much for taking your time to write this long reply, I´m very grateful, and it´s so good to read your perspective!!
Thank you for sharing your experience with divorce. My parents have so far not separated because of the same two reasons you named, apparently for one of my parents, only the last reason anymore... So it was good to hear that again.
It´s very helpful hearing this reassurance of it not being the fault of my siblings and I. I feel like this is something I just have to think about more often. I fully know that we are not the reason for their poor relationship, but what I feel like is that if we were not there they could separate more freely and wouldn´t be going through all of this. However, I have come to see it as a sacrifice through your insight, and also the insight @southernf gave me. It´s good to remember that their struggles do not reflect me in any way.
Ironically, I believe that all this hardship has brought me closer to God, but I will try to take your advice and look to Christ in this even more.
I am especially grateful for your encouragement concerning my future, and the future of my siblings. I have struggled with anxiety before because I was so scared I would never be able to have a good marriage. So your reminder that history does not necessarily repeat itself was extremely needed and good to hear.
God bless you!

You're welcome.

Believe me, my own marriage, which basically "went south" from the second night of our honeymoon forward, with all of its hardships (and there were a MULTITUDE of them), definitely worked to bring me closer to God because I basically had nowhere else to turn.

Although I honestly didn't bring any childhood hardships into my marriage (I had already dealt with them before marriage, and they more involved things with childhood "friends" than anything else), my ex definitely did.

About a month into our marriage, I discovered, through a series of events, that she had been repeatedly sexually molested by her own father when she was 5 and 6 years old. In my mind, that's got to be one of the most traumatically horrific things that anyone might ever have to endure, and that's another reason why I tried desperately to save our marriage BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO HELP MY WIFE.

I gently, kindly, and compassionately counselled her repeatedly for years, took her to counsellors galore, prayed for her constantly, etc., etc., but, ultimately, she has a free will, and she chose to do what she chose to do.

Ironically, when everything was said and done, she pretty much "worshipped" her father (and he's never apologized) and she hated my guts. I honestly believe that her childhood abuse played a major role in her adulteries (plural) later on in life, and this is why we need to try to deal with things before God as quickly as possible lest they take root and destroy the rest of our lives.

Anyhow, there definitely is hope for you and your siblings, so try to keep your focus UPWARD.

God's grace is sufficient.

You're in my prayers.

Thanks for your prayers and your advice!
I´m so sorry for everything you and your exwife went through, and I appreciate that you shared your story with me.
I will definitely learn from it to deal with things quickly and to bring them before God as soon as possible. And yes, lets all focus upwards, on our king. He is there through every hardship and is always praiseworthy. May his name be exalted through everything we do. Thanks for reminding me about God`s grace. He is strong in our weakness!

Married persons who divorce violate the vows they made before God. The vows to each other and the vows to God Himself. Divorce or the contemplation of divorce indicates a problem with their personal relationship with Christ. Only God can change hearts and the heart must be open to change.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

I entirely agree, but unfortunately I am not the one who gets to decide as I am only 16. I am aware that there are problems in my parents´relationship with God, but that knowledge, or the knowledge about the bible´s position on divorce does not change the situation. I wish we weren´t in this place, but we are, and I as the child can´t do very much. advice concerning what I should do is very welcome, but unfortunately your statement concerning my parents is not very helpful to me. I know that they are hard-heartened, so I need help handling that.
I thank you all the same

There is nothing you can do but pray. Prayer is the only way to minister before the Lord in this matter. You should go to God and tell Him that you have no way to change your parents.

This is a hardship without doubt and comfort comes by knowing and trusting God to do whatever is required to bring your parents back into fellowship with Him. There is no easy answer no quick fix.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

Roger, I will not share my story here, but I will tell you flat out, you make a blanket statement when you know nothing of situations like mine. Your response is simplistic and naive.

Biblical counsel regarding husbands and wives. Children are bystanders that are effected by disobedience of the parents to Gods word. Consequences to sin are never pretty and rarely effect only the transgressor.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

Sir, a blanket statement to cover all situations is simplistic and naive. You do nothing positive with this for the cause of Christ. This is phoney piety. I'm done with you. Clearly, you do not understand life.

DorotheaSofia, my apologies. I feel my posts detracted from your discussion. Divorce has been difficult, even after 8 years. If you wish to talk, please PM me. I understand your feelings and maybe I can offer a father's point of view.

I'm tempted to agree with you, but I simply cannot because you used the word "parents", plural, and oftentimes it is only the sins of one parent that causes all of the turbulence.

For someone who's only 16 years old, you've got a very good head on your shoulders.

Out of curiosity, have either you or your siblings voiced any of your concerns/fears to your parents?

If you have, then may I ask how they've responded?

If you haven't, then it might be something to prayerfully consider.

My heart is extremely tender towards my children, and I carefully consider everything that they have to say.

Sometimes, people need to hear things from someone else's perspective to really see what's going on.

"Acceptance comes with many challenges. Expressing love never goes out of style.
Strength and courage are within the grasp of each one that earnestly pursues it.
And, God's influence rests upon each one that is inspired to act upon.
We are each unique, and acceptance of others often has issues to confront.
I have learned a God awareness helps to overcome some of life's problems."

Pity is the wrong answer to the issue. Divorce was never condoned by God.

Study Ephesians 5:19-33 I know it might be strong meat for you but ask the Holy Spirit to teach you what you need to know.

For the cause of Christ
Roger