are you a spender or a saver?

I wish I would take this advice seriously. It's hard to say no to relatives despite their history of not paying me back. They always tell me to forgive or how I shouldn't be stingy with money. I also feel sorry for their situation and want to help. I don't mind giving money as a gift but I hate being lied and tricked into believing they'll pay me back. They tell me how they'll have the money to pay me back soon which is true. However, when the time comes to repay there's always an excuse as to why it'd be inconvenient. I'd appreciate payments in small amounts but they claim they'd rather save and give it all at once. If I ever do get my money back I have to constantly follow up. That gets exhausting so I usually end up letting it go and trying to see it as a gift so I don't become bitter.

They always tell me to forgive or how I shouldn't be stingy with money. I also feel sorry for their situation and want to help. I don't mind giving money as a gift but I hate being lied and tricked into believing they'll pay me back.

If someone cannot pay then they cannot pay
You are not then obligated to pay for them.
they can either fundraise (by doing something, maybe busk or sell something) or get another job.

most honorable people go without rather than beg other people to maintain their lifestyle.

that said, it is also good to give. If you can and are in a position to do so. You can give in secret. Which is what the Bible tells us to do with alms so that there is no obligation.

did you take some collateral? I remember my brother asking me once and I said no, my big sister gave him some instead. I dont know why he was asking me as I hardly earn anything. It was for his car, not the one he drives but his hobby car club! I wouldnt know what to do with an extra car I suppose I could have sold it if he didnt pay me back.

I'm not an expert at these things either. I've had situations where friends strongly implied that I give them money/or buy items (the worst experience was when a friend was going in detail on how she is praying to God for a specific type of computer that costs $2000; she was a student in statistics and needed that type of computer. She was talking in a way which suggested that I am the answer to her prayers, and that I should do so because I'm a Christian). The same friend also told me at other times that she cannot pay other types of school fees/health insurance. When this happens I change the topic. If someone is struggling to pay for food I would give money as a gift. For rent, (this hasn't happened) I guess I would make it a no-interest loan where they will have to pay me back. Other than food and housing (up to certain amount) I don't feel obligated to help with someone's finances. Ultimately I don't really believe most people appreciate it if you help them financially (either as a gift or loan); they believe because you have the money you don't need the money back.

Maybe your brother felt more comfortable asking you because you're younger or have a history of giving when he asks?




I tried to ask him once or twice for collateral which he always refused and said I was being ridiculous. The main problem is that he lives above his means.



Last year his car needed more repairs than expected. He told me it was an emergency and needed to be paid that day. He mostly uses his car to drive friends around or go to stores outside of walking distance. I have to take public transportation to places outside of walking distance unless maybe I beg him enough to convince him to give me a ride. Same for my mom but he's more willing to give her a ride. For the first time I lended him an insane amount and I had my less paying job at the time but I really wanted to help. Usually our mom would give him extra money in times like this but she didn't have that much on hand at the time. My mom said she'd pay me back in a weeks. She's good for her word and I follow up. Before she can say anything my brother jumps in tells me he me I should be ashamed to ask back for it. He said a lot of hurtful words then said I should have given it out of the kindness of my heart. It was sort of hard times so I didn't constantly follow up but eventually I stopped and let it go. In reality it didn't need to be paid that day. He just wanted to have his car back as soon as possible and I wasn't thinking clearly. I wanted to help my mom out more so but it was still hard for me to see it as a gift. It wasn't the amount but how he insulted me so bad so I would shut up about it.

I still did lend him a few dollars here and there after that ordeal. He paid back some and the rest I let go as usual. He was outraged earlier this year when I said no to letting him "borrow" money shortly after I got a new job. I asked him when he was going to pay me back and he said sometime years from now when I get a job then laughed. Usually he'd say a few weeks and that's believeable because he gets an allowance every week. I asked him about that and he said I should stop being stingy.

Apparently he expected that I'd be willing like never before to give handouts. My salary didn't change my tax bracket and I still can't afford to move out. It was enough for me to contribute more to household costs.
His attitude was too much for me and that was it for me because he pleaded with "well I'm not asking for a lot this time, and I know you have it". He cursed me out and said I'll lose my job unless I get off my high horse.

I never flaunted nor bragged and didn't drastically change my spending habits. I still continued to gift him for birthdays and Christmas. Ever since I started working, I did get him something more expensive since I had more than when I was getting an allowance. However, still he continues to call me selfish and stingy. Usually the most he spends on a gift is the card because he doesn't want to spend much. I get that and I don't mind. Sometimes I'd feel it's unfair he'd gift his friends and not me. I do appreciate that he wished me "Happy birthday" or "Merry Christmas". Plus I loved seeing how happy he got when he got a gift.

I don't see how I'm being selfish or stingy. I thought I was sharing my wealth by buying things we need around the house. I only make more than him because allowance is less than any job we know of. He refuses to get a job that doesn't pay enough to move out and support his expensive taste.

Sorry for the long winded response and run on sentences. I feel conflicted now with gifting in the future because this year while he used the gifts he didn't seem happy or thank me. He acted so entitled and never has in the past. He actually did gift me more than a card this year and it's been years so I wasn't expecting it. He seemed offended that I was shocked. He gave it in a way that I wonder if he did it because he felt guilty or obligated. He also said "don't act like I never gifted you before". I feel rubbed the wrong way but I don't want to be petty. It's better to give than to receive but what if the receiver seems ungrateful? I don't want to make my brother feel that I'm trying to show off with gifting but I know that if I buy something inexpensive he'll complain that I'm being cheap.

My mom says to keep giving and not turn bitter or change my character. I've been praying on this for months but I don't know. It doesn't bring me to joy to gift anymore but I feel obligated.

If someone cannot pay then they cannot pay
You are not then obligated to pay for them.
they can either fundraise (by doing something, maybe busk or sell something) or get another job.

most honorable people go without rather than beg other people to maintain their lifestyle.

that said, it is also good to give. If you can and are in a position to do so. You can give in secret. Which is what the Bible tells us to do with alms so that there is no obligation.

Is your brother younger or older than you? It seems like your brother is too young to work, since he is still getting an allowance? If both of you are kids (below 18) I would let things slide a bit. However, it does seem like your brother is taking you for granted a bit. I would set some rules in place and gift him less (especially the few dollars here and there).

Maybe your brother felt more comfortable asking you because you're younger or have a history of giving when he asks?




I tried to ask him once or twice for collateral which he always refused and said I was being ridiculous. The main problem is that he lives above his means.



Last year his car needed more repairs than expected. He told me it was an emergency and needed to be paid that day. He mostly uses his car to drive friends around or go to stores outside of walking distance. I have to take public transportation to places outside of walking distance unless maybe I beg him enough to convince him to give me a ride. Same for my mom but he's more willing to give her a ride. For the first time I lended him an insane amount and I had my less paying job at the time but I really wanted to help. Usually our mom would give him extra money in times like this but she didn't have that much on hand at the time. My mom said she'd pay me back in a weeks. She's good for her word and I follow up. Before she can say anything my brother jumps in tells me he me I should be ashamed to ask back for it. He said a lot of hurtful words then said I should have given it out of the kindness of my heart. It was sort of hard times so I didn't constantly follow up but eventually I stopped and let it go. In reality it didn't need to be paid that day. He just wanted to have his car back as soon as possible and I wasn't thinking clearly. I wanted to help my mom out more so but it was still hard for me to see it as a gift. It wasn't the amount but how he insulted me so bad so I would shut up about it.

I still did lend him a few dollars here and there after that ordeal. He paid back some and the rest I let go as usual. He was outraged earlier this year when I said no to letting him "borrow" money shortly after I got a new job. I asked him when he was going to pay me back and he said sometime years from now when I get a job then laughed. Usually he'd say a few weeks and that's believeable because he gets an allowance every week. I asked him about that and he said I should stop being stingy.

Apparently he expected that I'd be willing like never before to give handouts. My salary didn't change my tax bracket and I still can't afford to move out. It was enough for me to contribute more to household costs.
His attitude was too much for me and that was it for me because he pleaded with "well I'm not asking for a lot this time, and I know you have it". He cursed me out and said I'll lose my job unless I get off my high horse.

I never flaunted nor bragged and didn't drastically change my spending habits. I still continued to gift him for birthdays and Christmas. Ever since I started working, I did get him something more expensive since I had more than when I was getting an allowance. However, still he continues to call me selfish and stingy. Usually the most he spends on a gift is the card because he doesn't want to spend much. I get that and I don't mind. Sometimes I'd feel it's unfair he'd gift his friends and not me. I do appreciate that he wished me "Happy birthday" or "Merry Christmas". Plus I loved seeing how happy he got when he got a gift.

I don't see how I'm being selfish or stingy. I thought I was sharing my wealth by buying things we need around the house. I only make more than him because allowance is less than any job we know of. He refuses to get a job that doesn't pay enough to move out and support his expensive taste.

Sorry for the long winded response and run on sentences. I feel conflicted now with gifting in the future because this year while he used the gifts he didn't seem happy or thank me. He acted so entitled and never has in the past. He actually did gift me more than a card this year and it's been years so I wasn't expecting it. He seemed offended that I was shocked. He gave it in a way that I wonder if he did it because he felt guilty or obligated. He also said "don't act like I never gifted you before". I feel rubbed the wrong way but I don't want to be petty. It's better to give than to receive but what if the receiver seems ungrateful? I don't want to make my brother feel that I'm trying to show off with gifting but I know that if I buy something inexpensive he'll complain that I'm being cheap.

My mom says to keep giving and not turn bitter or change my character. I've been praying on this for months but I don't know. It doesn't bring me to joy to gift anymore but I feel obligated.

Maybe your brother felt more comfortable asking you because you're younger or have a history of giving when he asks?




I tried to ask him once or twice for collateral which he always refused and said I was being ridiculous. The main problem is that he lives above his means.



Last year his car needed more repairs than expected. He told me it was an emergency and needed to be paid that day. He mostly uses his car to drive friends around or go to stores outside of walking distance. I have to take public transportation to places outside of walking distance unless maybe I beg him enough to convince him to give me a ride. Same for my mom but he's more willing to give her a ride. For the first time I lended him an insane amount and I had my less paying job at the time but I really wanted to help. Usually our mom would give him extra money in times like this but she didn't have that much on hand at the time. My mom said she'd pay me back in a weeks. She's good for her word and I follow up. Before she can say anything my brother jumps in tells me he me I should be ashamed to ask back for it. He said a lot of hurtful words then said I should have given it out of the kindness of my heart. It was sort of hard times so I didn't constantly follow up but eventually I stopped and let it go. In reality it didn't need to be paid that day. He just wanted to have his car back as soon as possible and I wasn't thinking clearly. I wanted to help my mom out more so but it was still hard for me to see it as a gift. It wasn't the amount but how he insulted me so bad so I would shut up about it.

I still did lend him a few dollars here and there after that ordeal. He paid back some and the rest I let go as usual. He was outraged earlier this year when I said no to letting him "borrow" money shortly after I got a new job. I asked him when he was going to pay me back and he said sometime years from now when I get a job then laughed. Usually he'd say a few weeks and that's believeable because he gets an allowance every week. I asked him about that and he said I should stop being stingy.

Apparently he expected that I'd be willing like never before to give handouts. My salary didn't change my tax bracket and I still can't afford to move out. It was enough for me to contribute more to household costs.
His attitude was too much for me and that was it for me because he pleaded with "well I'm not asking for a lot this time, and I know you have it". He cursed me out and said I'll lose my job unless I get off my high horse.

I never flaunted nor bragged and didn't drastically change my spending habits. I still continued to gift him for birthdays and Christmas. Ever since I started working, I did get him something more expensive since I had more than when I was getting an allowance. However, still he continues to call me selfish and stingy. Usually the most he spends on a gift is the card because he doesn't want to spend much. I get that and I don't mind. Sometimes I'd feel it's unfair he'd gift his friends and not me. I do appreciate that he wished me "Happy birthday" or "Merry Christmas". Plus I loved seeing how happy he got when he got a gift.

I don't see how I'm being selfish or stingy. I thought I was sharing my wealth by buying things we need around the house. I only make more than him because allowance is less than any job we know of. He refuses to get a job that doesn't pay enough to move out and support his expensive taste.

Sorry for the long winded response and run on sentences. I feel conflicted now with gifting in the future because this year while he used the gifts he didn't seem happy or thank me. He acted so entitled and never has in the past. He actually did gift me more than a card this year and it's been years so I wasn't expecting it. He seemed offended that I was shocked. He gave it in a way that I wonder if he did it because he felt guilty or obligated. He also said "don't act like I never gifted you before". I feel rubbed the wrong way but I don't want to be petty. It's better to give than to receive but what if the receiver seems ungrateful? I don't want to make my brother feel that I'm trying to show off with gifting but I know that if I buy something inexpensive he'll complain that I'm being cheap.

My mom says to keep giving and not turn bitter or change my character. I've been praying on this for months but I don't know. It doesn't bring me to joy to gift anymore but I feel obligated.

I wish I would take this advice seriously. It's hard to say no to relatives despite their history of not paying me back. They always tell me to forgive or how I shouldn't be stingy with money. I also feel sorry for their situation and want to help. I don't mind giving money as a gift but I hate being lied and tricked into believing they'll pay me back. They tell me how they'll have the money to pay me back soon which is true. However, when the time comes to repay there's always an excuse as to why it'd be inconvenient. I'd appreciate payments in small amounts but they claim they'd rather save and give it all at once. If I ever do get my money back I have to constantly follow up. That gets exhausting so I usually end up letting it go and trying to see it as a gift so I don't become bitter.

your brother sounds like a brat.
why is he asking YOU. cant he ask mum or dad.
you are not being ridicolous for asking for collateral. Banks do it. pawn shops do it. why should lending be any different. If he is TRULY poor, and you gift, then you are lending to the Lord and He will pay you back.
dont rely on someone whos poor to pay back something they can never repay.

I've had similar experiences too and I agree with what you say. At least you ask. Me, I just leave it. It's happened a lot of times. Although I know that God sees what we do for others and what others do for us. I think it's the right attitude to forgive but it's up to us to forgive. Those who owe us can't expect forgiveness from us. Although, forgiving is the right thing to do. I forgive for my sake. That's why it's best to avoid lending unless they are dear to you and you know 100% sure the person is going to give back your money. (Man or woman of their word) God will give us money if we ask Him. I feel He gives us enough. He gives me enough to get by. I'm thankful to God for that.