I grew up without religion and in a broken home. I went to church two or three times as a child but never understood any of it and found it very abstract and confusing. I still assumed there was a God until I was about 15 but then I became an atheist suddenly one day when another kid questioned my belief and just like that it was gone. I went on to live a very tumultuous life filled with struggle and mistakes. I was hedonistic and arrogant and did many awful things to myself and others. I always deluded myself into thinking I was an ok person though and just someone very damaged from my upbringing. I alternated between blaming myself and others and eventually turned to drugs and alcohol. Eventually I started having panic attacks until one turned into a full blow psychosis. It lasted for a few days and it was filled with religious hallucinations and visions. Most of the visions were related to hell and it was torturous in unimaginable ways. I was in the hospital for five months. The doctors said it was one of the most intense bouts of psychosis they had ever seen. I even tried to pry out my right eye and I am thankful I was unsuccessful. I eventually recovered somewhat and went back to work and tried to rebuild my life. The psychotic episodes kept reoccurring though over the next two years or so. Each one a deeply religious experience and filled with visions of hell with the odd moment of divine inspiration mixed in. During one episode, I went to a church and there was a man there who I was talking to. I was crying and he hugged me before I left and I truly felt the love of God in that moment. My last episode was the most unusual though. It lasted for three days and I was able to function normally through it and did not end up in the hospital like each time before. I worked and talked to people normally even though I was having visions and hallucinations (mostly auditory ones). I did not have visions of hell and God confirmed to me once and for all that He exists. Life has still been very challenging since though. My mind is in constant chaos. I quit my job because I can't focus and don't believe in myself or my competency. I am going to church and repenting but I worry if it is enough. I feel tremendous guilt for my past and find it difficult to understand why God would come into my life like this. I look at the world and see how the socialists and anarchists weaponize morality in an attempt to destroy the civilization that was built on the blood and sweat of those good people before us. It is hard to live in this world. I have no friends and my family left me (except for my mother) during my mental challenges. I am glad to have God with me and not live in ignorance anymore. I am trying to have faith and hope life will improve. Thank you for reading and God bless.
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