Question on talking about faith during a date and taking it slow

Okay, for some context:

I am currently dating and talking to a woman for nearly the past month, before that little snip bits through private messages but nothing date related. I actually took her out on our first date nearly a month ago. She enjoyed because the next day she messaged me on how good of a time it was and would like to do it again. Second date was a week later and had even more fun. The third date, which was just recently, was probably our most fun and best one. Now we're talking about going out again, but my parents had ask me an important question: is she a Christian?

To be honest, we haven't got that far, but I would ALMOST want to say yes. However, to provide some background on her:

She has had bad relationship experiences with men, both within the family and with others outside. She has four older brothers and has been engaged before. The brothers were typically trouble-makers (but not lawbreakers) while the guys she dated (and even engaged to) were awful to her pets and took advantage of her in general (financials mainly). Her father, who is still around, had molested her at a young age and had been abusive to the family. Her mother is a practicing Catholic but never left the man. Earlier this year, one of her older brothers committed suicide because he got caught molesting HIS OWN daughters. The woman I'm seeing actually had the suicide note that was texted to her by the brother a month before he died. After he passed, she went into a dark period of her life and was at her lowest point. She's now pass that point, but she feels somewhat responsible for her brother's death, even though she told her parents, siblings, in-laws, and the brother himself. Just recently, she had shown me something that, more or less, confirms that her father isn't a Christian.

Given all that information, she STILL loves her dad and brother, but hates what they did. Now, she's not necessarily sinless either, but she has said that she wasn't proud nor happy with the things she's done. Granted, I think a lot of that might have been brought on by the family and the bad things that happened in her life while living in a big city. I believe in forgiveness and believe people need to be forgiven, if they ask for it. For the most part, though, she's a good person that's struggling to figure out where she belongs in the world. At least, that's my takeaway.

Now, how does this all fit into what my parents asked? Our family has had bad experiences with women who had been (and currently are) married into our family who are NOT Christians and had caused problems. My parents, though, when they first met were not Christians and did things they were not suppose to do (and they were pretty bad), some involving engagements at the time. To be fair, they did get that all resolved eventually, but still caused problems within the families. Even then, their question is an honest one.

I do like this woman, and the most recent date she asked me if I was looking for a relationship. I said 'probably' in a very curious way because I didn't know where she was going with it. But then she brought up that she wasn't sure if she was relationship material because of what happened to her brother and that dark time for her. I simply explained that it wasn't her fault and that everyone goes through low points in their lives. She then said that she enjoyed being with me. I honestly thought she was going to cry because it was almost as if no one had ever said this before to her. So I do want to have something going with her.

We're not officially a couple, per se, but we're definitely seeing each other. However, we still need to get into faith. I know how my parents can be with the women us boys have dated, and they were picked by us and not our parents. A lot of times they shoot from the hip with their questions and explanations without really thinking about it with these women (and it's frustrating). So I figured before I actually have her meet them (although she's met my dad before), I want to talk about it with her first and let her know where I stand. The question I have is how do I approach this? Also, if she is a Christian, maybe struggling with her faith, or the worst case she isn't (but is willing to learn), how slow should I take things with her? I'm pretty sure she isn't an atheist based on some things she told me about, but at the same time, if she truly does enjoy being with me, she would accept, and maybe even embrace, what I believe. She believes me to be a good person (which I like to think that I am, but I'll let others judge for themselves), so this could be an opportunity for her (and myself) to grow in faith. But I would like to hear opinions on this matter. I figured, though, we'll still go out and have a good time together, for the time being. Thanks for putting up with this novel of a post!

Hi thanks for taking time to type this all out and for being so open about the situation.Yes it always becomes a bit of a dilemma when you find someone you like and at some point the question of faith comes up.
Clearly she has gone through some dark times in her life and I get the impression that you have most certainly had an impact on her and u one if my friends has the same kind of situation afew years ago.
I think spending time with God and being honest within is paramount for the bible says in proverbs "in all our ways acknowledge him and he WILL direct our paths.This woman needs salvation anyway and yes and you like each other why not have just a casual chat with her about yourself and ask her in a casual way ask her too about her spirituality.If she has been so open about her past I am sure she will open up to you as well.
Often sometimes you have to go through various stages in a relational situation with Gods help and ask God to create an opportunity to chat with her about it..but dont go in hard or anything..and the other thing is not to have a fear of losing her if she isnt a Christian.
She needs salvation regardless so you can pray for her and ask God to break any particular patterns that keep happening in your family regarding relationships and hers too.
It does take courage to ask coz u fear what the answer will be..they key get Is that she need to come to know christ as her lord and saviour and just ask God to guide you both.

Well a lot of information not relevant to the question.
No doubt the first question to You is why did you go out with her to begin with, if you didn't know where she stands spiritually? It seems that's something that should have already been addressed before going on a date.

And the question has to be would you date her if she's not a Christian? Dating her in the hope that she'll become one is a bad basis. Because what if she agrees to it, to stay with you, but doesn't really mean it? That will eventually come out.

It seems by not starting off on the right foot you've potentially set her up to be hurt. So if she's not a Christian your options are to stick with her, which seems as though would bother you, or hurt her and end things because things were done backwards.

And there's no need to figure out how to approach asking her. Just bring it up. The sooner you bring it up the sooner you can decide what to do and the less she may be hurt.

Oh i forgot to add many times conversation flows into various topics and when you and her are just chatting as you both usually do you could even ease her into the topic by mentioning xmas is not far away and that you usually go church (,just for example)..and ask her does she ho church or belive in God ect..you could even go somewhere where you deliberately walk near a church and use that as a way to get her to engage by maybe saying "ahhhh.. there's a church..I like those places...what about you?What are your views about church and christianity ect?"
Gosh I better stop now..coz there are so many ways to engage her in conversation about christianity and faith.

You did not mentioned your ages which is most important in establishing context but, regardless, I am most concerned about '(even engaged to)' and wonder if this woman is careless about who she gives her heart to.

I believe that this woman has, and still is, suffering from extreme emotional trauma. Best case, if you chose to pursue this relationship you may end up being the next (even engaged to), worse case, you end up marrying her and end up being her private therapist rather than her husband. You will find that her emotional baggage is too heavy for you to carry. My counsel is to end this relationship immediately.

Glad to have you onboard with us. Welcome to CC.

I am very glad you were able to share this situation here as I think you will get a wide variety of input, which will prove to be quite valuable.
The thing that stands out to me the most when I read over this the first time is your deep concern over what your parents will think. (regardless of where she stands with her faith, which is a completely separate issue).
While there is a place for honoring your parents, from my vantage point, which is not having a lot of information to go on, except what you have shared... it seems like there could be some boundary issues between you and them. I know there can be cultural differences where this respect is very important, but I would just make sure that you are in a healthy place yourself, and able to 'leave and cleave' at some point when you do find the right person.

I was wondering about exactly how his parents fit into the equation as well. I agree with what you have stated about having a place for honoring the parents but that there may be some boundary issues.

Ephesians 5:31
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.

I've been where this girl has been. Jesus is very capable of forgiveness. A lot of people might tell you to walk away...I say, she bears great fruit. To forgive and still love after the pain she's been through, God has a testimony and a special purpose for her. Take her to church, pray, and ask her about her faith and where she stands. God may even be using you in His plans for her. Slow things down and work on building a friendship based on a foundation in God...because if you don't start there...it won't work very well.
God does work in mysterious ways and can do anything. Keep that in mind.

Well to answer the question you asked and not get bogged down in commentary on all the challenges of this potential relationship. In you shoes (as in I found myself spending time with and starting to like more and more someone who's faith stance I wasn't sure on) I would probably bring it up by saying something along the lines of " They say there's 3 things you really have to agree on for a relationship to work and that's faith, family, and finances.... I've picked up a little bit about your attitude toward family and finanaces but we haven't really talked much about where each of us stands on the faith question" And then let the faith discussion begin.

If that seems like too much too soon, you could always invite her to church or say you'd love to go to church at her church sometime. She may not have a church and that's okay because at least that starts the conversation about what she thinks about church and church attendance and probably God as well.

I guess my question for you is why, after a month of talking, your faith hasn't come up in conversation. You focus a lot of discussing her situation, but it seems like you are building a case for why you should stay. I want to step back and ask how important your faith is in the decisions you make. That is not to be insulting or judgemental. It is an older sister talking to a little brother and asking about your priorities. It sounds like you had a month to introduce yourselves to each other. Your faith and your need to have a like-minded partner would be one of the first things that you'd share. By not discussing it you have shown to her that it is not that important to you, no matter what you say now. I am sure you have talked about favourite music and movies, hobbies, or favourite food. Before the first date she needed to know who you are. So I go back to my question as to why you held back from this discussion. Before you can be in a healthy relationship, one that God can bless, you need to be clear about making him a priority in your heart and actions. I know it is hard but I think you are not being honest with yourself. It isn't about her. It is about being true to Christ. Sort that out first otherwise you are only going to hurt this woman. I wish you the best brother.

maybe just ask her if she can keep you in her prayers and see what she says.

OR you could say, what are your thoughts about Jesus. Or who is Jesus to you? A believer will answer one way, an unbeliever another, but it wont be a threatening question either way.

You parents are right to be concerned, they just want whats best for you.

There is more information that I need to mention because it is relevant to this topic (and let's refer to the woman as "A"):

First off, to answer one of the questions earlier on, I'm 34 years old and she's 33. Her family and mine have actually known each other for years (through my older brothers), and got along. We haven't talked for a long time, and not because we dislike each other but rather we just haven't talked. I have never been in a serious relationship with a woman. Not that I haven't taken women out before, but never a boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship. Compared to A, I'm a noobie. For years, though, my parents have been trying to get me to be with a woman. As much as I know that my parents mean well, whenever they try to introduce me to a woman, Christian or not, 99% of the time I'm not interested in them.

It isn't because of how they look or who they are, either, nor is it that my parents recommend them so it has nothing to do with rebellion. Some of them are great people. It's just I don't feel the same way that my parents do about them. And whenever one of boys find a woman on our own without our parents' approval, problems occur. Again, my parents mean well and I get that they don't want to see their son get hurt, but at times it feels like they can be over bearing and instead of making sure us brothers are happy, they want to make sure that THEY (my parents) are happy. I've seen so many times where they had pushed women onto us and they're like "HEY, WE LIKE HER, TAKE HER OUT", then we do after much pressure (just to please them), but, in the end, we become disappointed with who they threw at us. My parents wonder why and we explain, but it's almost if they become disappointed with us after we talk to them.

Thing is I do want to honor my parents, and I do everyday (at least I try to), but there's some cases where they feel as if that it is their duty to control our love life. When they try, it's artificial and creates a breakdown in our confidence (mine especially). Three of my brothers are married, but there's a kind of rift between my parents and their daughter-in-laws. It has got better, but not where it could/should be. They suggested that I should try a Christian dating site, which I tried, but nothing has happened, even when worked extra hard at getting a date. Plus, many of the women that were interested at first live hundreds of miles away, so it couldn't have worked on that alone (in addition to other factors). Now let me give you the story about me in the past few years.

In my 20s, after I took out one woman that ended horribly, I gained a whole lot of weight (330 pounds was my highest). I lost 70 pounds of it, but gained 30 of it back. Just recently, I lost over 80 pounds and it has stayed off for nearly a year. I weigh around 205 pounds today, so I feel great. My confidence is much better than what it was over a year ago. Before I started talking to A, there was another one that I was interested in that I met in a dance class with a similar background story. Of course, this was back in March, and after two weeks of class, the COVID-19 lockdowns happened and we were only able to communicate over social media. We kind of did for awhile, but as time moved on, we started to drift from each other. She even started to play "hard to get" with some of the guys. I was struggling to find ways to stand out so we could have a way to go out, but it wasn't working.

I was starting to get down in the dumps and I prayed about it. This is where things get interesting (and I'm still trying to figure out how to take it). Shortly afterwards, I got a message in my inbox on social media from A. She was coming into the place where I work because the rest of her family had been coming in. So I set her up to be taken care of and I was the one who serviced her. Right around this time, my grandpa wasn't doing well. Strangely enough, before A even came in, let alone messaged me, my grandpa talked to me about relationships with women. He was a godly man, very comforting to talk to, and knew what needed to be said. I talked to him nearly a week later about this woman. I told him I prayed about my difficulty with relationships and told him how it was weird that after I did, A had shown up in my life. We talked about it, and I will never forget what he said: "Don't be bashful."

That week, my grandpa passed away. A found out and she sent me a private message, saying she's sorry to hear about our lost. The other woman never did. A, ever since, has been more social with me at that time, and when I was to service her with products we got in for her, I decided to ask her out. She came in towards the end of a short day, got her stuff (very satisfied with it all), asked her out to lunch, she said 'yes', and we have been talking and seeing each other since. And as I'm typing this, I looked back on our old messages, and she does mention about having a spiritual experience, praying, how society is kicking our beliefs to the side of the curb, and said how my grandpa is at peace now. So now I'm beginning to feel better and at ease because I am now more confident that she is a born again Christian and she probably knows that I'm one as well. Either way, I will ask her in her private next time I see her. I do apologize for the long posts, but I just want everything in context because it's not as simple as it sounds, and this has been on my mind since around the time my grandpa passed. What do you think, a whole bunch of nothing or was a prayer answered?

its very important that you worship the same God if you are ever going move forward together.

of course parents want to 'control' who their children see to a certain extent, because if you are going to start a family at some stage, any marriage partner will become part of the family. They wouldnt BE parents if they didnt! Like it or not, thats just how it is!

at least they are saying she must be a believer, rather than saying she must be a certain colour, or extremely wealthy, or only wear pink nail polish.

True, and I get parents want to make sure their kids don't get hurt, physically, mentally, nor spiritually, but at some point they have to let their kids find out on their own. With my parents, even though their intentions are good, they try to basically say "this is how it is, don't question us, we know better, etc" rather than simply giving advise. Believe me when I say that I want a godly woman because I do. But it doesn't help when they don't know all the details of what had been going on in her life and still insist that I should ALWAYS take their advise. Sometimes, it's better to go a separate route because you see something they don't. Now that doesn't mean that I'm disobedient, rebellious, nor mad at them. Far from it. However, if you were to meet them, there are OTHER aspects they want and try to be more in control of. It's frustrating, is all, and they really should allow me to find out myself. But I'm also willing to take advise that, I know, will help me. They are good, God fearing people who want what's best for me (and all their children) and I love them, but in this case, instead of trying to sway me away, they do need to ease back little. There have been problems in our family just because of them not giving us some space. That's all I'm saying. I can't grow if I don't have room to do it with.

With A, I don't think this woman would have brought up this stuff out of the blue. Honestly, when she did message me, I think she was checking to see if I WAS a believer, by the way she worded it. And I think she got a clue that I was when I asked for prayers for our family after the passing of my grandpa. But you are right that I do need to see if we are worshiping the same God. However, I do feel more confident that she is a Christian, just by the way she talked about this stuff. It sounds like I'm defending her out of a sense of puppy love, but I'm really not. It's just given everything that has happened, through her messages, the time I went through during the lockdown, my prayers, my time with grandpa, it all seems a little too convenient. I could be wrong in all this, but I don't know, it feels weird. On one hand this could all be me just hoping everything will be okay but turn out to be fooling myself, while on the other hand God could have answered a prayer for me and could be using me to improve the quality of life for this woman. Best thing I can do is continue praying about it, see what the response is, and talk to A. I'm hopeful and more optimistic that she is a Christian, but having confirmation would be nice.

When dating, one should not conceal who they are when it comes to likes/dislikes, values, interests, etc. One's spiritual life is definitely something that should not be kept hidden like some sort of secret identity.