I got a question
I've got a question in general.
I've got friend's, family and so fourth that are married or dating that are incredibly happy.
When asked how they got together and how or why they are so happy and their answer is
" It was fate." Does that fall under the category of "God's will" for them?
Hi Ben,
I know that at first, the examples I used in my earlier post (two married couples wanting a child, each choosing their own way of waiting on the Lord for an answer) seems unrelated to singles and dating, but I chose that example because both situations have something very important in common: the desire to build a family, whether by establishment (marriage) or addition (a child.) In both cases, the people involved are asking God to put someone in their life who is not already there, so the question remains -- how much do we weigh in that God will just drop us that person out of nowhere, and how much of our own legwork does He expect us to contribute?
I used to be someone who considered myself to be "actively dating" -- being on dating sites and actually going out on dates -- but in the past few years, I've pretty much pared it down to just "living life, and if I meet someone along the way, that's great, and if not, ok then -- maybe it's not what God has for me.
I think @cinder also hit the nail on the head in that a person's definition of dating is crucial. Most Christians will agree that today's culture of weekend hookups is not the definition of Godly dating. But for me, my personal definition is mostly just spending time doing something publicly social with the person and then talking in order to get to know them better.
I do have to say that I've always been intimidated by the "I only date to marry" philosophy, because I'm assuming the person who says that means they will only go and hang out with someone if they can see them as a potential marriage partner (I actually wrote a thread about this entire topic a long time ago.) Personally, I hate that kind of pressure because it means I am immediately being scrutinized every which way from Sunday as to whether or not a complete stranger thinks I'd be their ideal marriage partner. And let's be real here. Marriage involves sex, so that means that this complete stranger is also wondering about whether or not I'd be sexually compatible with him as well, and we don't even know each other yet. I am not comfortable with this at all, and part of the reason I left Christian dating sites is because I hate the "Only Date to Marry" scrutiny.
I would much rather just get to know someone casually at first, then maybe continue to have contact or spend time with them, and then maybe see if we might think we'd want to try a relationship (which is still a far cry from even thinking about marriage.) I am very much a "slow dater", which is probably why I'm still single! Understandably, most people feel they are on a timetable (especially if they want to have kids) and can't be bothered with a long period of getting to know each other, but that's what works for me.
If you feel a more "absolute" approach to waiting on God (no active searching or dating) works best for you, that's wonderful and I applaud your choice. But I don't think it's the choice for everyone. Granted, I do think there are times when people are searching too hard or are too focused on finding someone, and may indeed need to step away from the dating scene for a while -- no doubt about that.
But I do think that for others, dating is helpful. I knew a couple once in which the wife had grown up in a household of all boys. Being the only girl, they kind of doted on her and that's what she was used to. She'd never had any other boyfriends before she got married, and since all she knew was the way her fathers and brothers treated her, she would constantly compare her husband to them, and continued to rely on them more than her husband (while constantly criticizing him for not being like the men in her family.)
Her husband lamented once that his wife had never had a boyfriend who treated her poorly, and that maybe if she had dated more before meeting him, she might realize that he was trying his absolute best. In other words, the only comparison she had in her life was men in her own family who jumped at her every need, and she expected her husband to be like this as well. Her husband eventually threw in the towel (though there were other things going on,) saying, "Why stay in a situation where I'm never needed because everyone else is doing such a better job?"
I don't know if it would have saved their marriage if she would have had some other experiences to glean from and would hopefully realize that he did love her and was treating her as well as he knew to do.
Although the few relationships I had were terrible, I'm not sure how much I would change even if I could go back, just because I know that the heartaches I had during that time will make me appreciate someone much more than if I had "just waited."
Those are just my own thoughts, and what seems to work for me.
Thank you for taking the time to hear me out, and I wish you God's best during your wait.
I know that at first, the examples I used in my earlier post (two married couples wanting a child, each choosing their own way of waiting on the Lord for an answer) seems unrelated to singles and dating, but I chose that example because both situations have something very important in common: the desire to build a family, whether by establishment (marriage) or addition (a child.) In both cases, the people involved are asking God to put someone in their life who is not already there, so the question remains -- how much do we weigh in that God will just drop us that person out of nowhere, and how much of our own legwork does He expect us to contribute?
I used to be someone who considered myself to be "actively dating" -- being on dating sites and actually going out on dates -- but in the past few years, I've pretty much pared it down to just "living life, and if I meet someone along the way, that's great, and if not, ok then -- maybe it's not what God has for me.
I think @cinder also hit the nail on the head in that a person's definition of dating is crucial. Most Christians will agree that today's culture of weekend hookups is not the definition of Godly dating. But for me, my personal definition is mostly just spending time doing something publicly social with the person and then talking in order to get to know them better.
I do have to say that I've always been intimidated by the "I only date to marry" philosophy, because I'm assuming the person who says that means they will only go and hang out with someone if they can see them as a potential marriage partner (I actually wrote a thread about this entire topic a long time ago.) Personally, I hate that kind of pressure because it means I am immediately being scrutinized every which way from Sunday as to whether or not a complete stranger thinks I'd be their ideal marriage partner. And let's be real here. Marriage involves sex, so that means that this complete stranger is also wondering about whether or not I'd be sexually compatible with him as well, and we don't even know each other yet. I am not comfortable with this at all, and part of the reason I left Christian dating sites is because I hate the "Only Date to Marry" scrutiny.
I would much rather just get to know someone casually at first, then maybe continue to have contact or spend time with them, and then maybe see if we might think we'd want to try a relationship (which is still a far cry from even thinking about marriage.) I am very much a "slow dater", which is probably why I'm still single! Understandably, most people feel they are on a timetable (especially if they want to have kids) and can't be bothered with a long period of getting to know each other, but that's what works for me.
If you feel a more "absolute" approach to waiting on God (no active searching or dating) works best for you, that's wonderful and I applaud your choice. But I don't think it's the choice for everyone. Granted, I do think there are times when people are searching too hard or are too focused on finding someone, and may indeed need to step away from the dating scene for a while -- no doubt about that.
But I do think that for others, dating is helpful. I knew a couple once in which the wife had grown up in a household of all boys. Being the only girl, they kind of doted on her and that's what she was used to. She'd never had any other boyfriends before she got married, and since all she knew was the way her fathers and brothers treated her, she would constantly compare her husband to them, and continued to rely on them more than her husband (while constantly criticizing him for not being like the men in her family.)
Her husband lamented once that his wife had never had a boyfriend who treated her poorly, and that maybe if she had dated more before meeting him, she might realize that he was trying his absolute best. In other words, the only comparison she had in her life was men in her own family who jumped at her every need, and she expected her husband to be like this as well. Her husband eventually threw in the towel (though there were other things going on,) saying, "Why stay in a situation where I'm never needed because everyone else is doing such a better job?"
I don't know if it would have saved their marriage if she would have had some other experiences to glean from and would hopefully realize that he did love her and was treating her as well as he knew to do.
Although the few relationships I had were terrible, I'm not sure how much I would change even if I could go back, just because I know that the heartaches I had during that time will make me appreciate someone much more than if I had "just waited."
Those are just my own thoughts, and what seems to work for me.
Thank you for taking the time to hear me out, and I wish you God's best during your wait.
I've got friend's, family and so fourth that are married or dating that are incredibly happy.
When asked how they got together and how or why they are so happy and their answer is
" It was fate." Does that fall under the category of "God's will" for them?
