Hi from CT.

Can use some advice.been married almost 25 years and no longer physically attracted to my wife. I like she feels the same way. I’m in great shape and most people would say I have an athletic physique. She has gained weight and doesn’t put any effort into how she looks. I stay with her because we have a special needs child and we need each other to help raise him. However, don’t feel much attraction from her towards me. We were best friends and the center of each other’s world before my son was born, that was 12 years ago. Then she became this person I don’t recognize

Physically or mentally ? You were her best friend before she gained weight? You have felt this way for 13 years?

You've wrapped up about 25 years in a paragraph! There's a ton of questions one could ask but without knowing where to start, I think I'll ask if you have a Pastor and close confidante or have considered a counselor that could slow walk through your situation with? I'm sure you have a handle on the concept of marriage and commitment, after all, it's 25 years, but there's too much to unpack here. I'd first recommend writing your wife with your concerns. Sometimes writing can outline your thoughts, rather like you've done here. Maybe you two can understand how or even if your child has changed things for you - on an individual basis. How has it changed her? But most of all, find a trusted Pastor or counselor that can guide you through this.

Hebrews 13:5 New International Version (NIV)
5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,

“Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.”

When you took your vows you also made a promise that sounds much like your favorite verse.

"I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you."

A vow and covenant before God. A special needs child takes a lot of work including stress. Her weight could be from stress and not having the time to do everything needed to lose weight. Taking care of children in general is exhausting.

Yours or her looks are physical and will change or wrinkle in age. One accident can turn yourself overweight. Or sickness and then what if your spouse wanted to leave you because you dont have the shape?

She isn't returning the love like you want because you are not putting it in. You need to stop being so focused on the physical. Biologically she is the same as any woman. The person you fell in love with is the same person just matured.

For your child. Love your spouse, cherish her, be content with what you have. That child needs a strong parent duo who can give him/her the best odds in life.

Love isn't only a emotion or feeling but largely an action. It easy to love in the better, the rich, and the healthy times of life. But to love when things or are it's worse, money struggles and facing sickness or even death often involves agape love. A sacrifice on ones part to love even when things are at its worst. This love is the type of love were Jesus even though we as in sinners deserved justice, he still sacrificed himself for all the world. That was including the ones who beat and spat in his face. Not because they deserved it but because God so loved the world it was bigger than emotion.

The crazy thing about love being an action is as the more you act, the more the feelings of love come forth. The more you act, the more others respond in the same way or be moved by their own emotions to respond in a deeper more emotional way.

Rediscover the heart of your spouse. Date her as if it was the first time. Rekindle the fire. The coals are still hot and just need a spark.

God will never forsake you. Jesus like the groom will never forsake the bride as the church. Do not forsake this women over looks.

This is a very delicate problem...I'll just tell you what's in my heart as a woman (I am not married yet) I am in my good weight right now (compared to my weight last year due to hormonal imbalance and stress). I really do take care of myself but those days really were the hardest because my motivation was totally gone...and I believe in the future my physical body will continue to change and won't be how it used to be...

I am 42 now... And I noticed my body changed overtime...from being chubby when I was a kid a lil bit chubby when I was a teenager and medium not so skinny when I was in my 20's. And from 30's up to now...I am now like medium size to large large to medium and I seldom becomes so small...Tiny waist no more, losing weight is harder and easier to gain weight at this time in my life 😅


As a woman I would not appreciate if someone calls me fat...yep I would get hurt especially if that person is my husband...but maybe I would understand and listen to him if he does tell me I become obese already and need to worry about my health... 😅 I pray he would be gentle and loving enough to break those words in front of my face

Being married for 25 years I guess you know exactly what to do to avoid hurting her feelings....but before you do that think carefully what could be the cause the root problem why she is gaining weight...there could be reasons behind it...stress?age? household responsibilities,depression...or eating unhealthy stuff or you maybe...? Maybe you made her feel unattractive and you already stopped doing the things that made her feel beautiful before... Find out... Maybe there's something going on deep down inside her that needs to be addressed and talk to your wife...


Beauty fades and you are not an exception...one day your skin will sag,wrinkles will appear on your face...tummy will grow and teeth will disappear all ...and no matter how much we'll try to restore it it won't be the same anymore ...a reality that will happen to all of us.


Though beauty fades Weight is manageable ...just express yourself honestly but take care of her feelings too...and while looking for ways to tell her about what bothers you...please be patient and loving A loving approach would be nice...


I believe in ( a long lasting marriage a till death do us part kind of union) but at the same time I understand that marriage is not easy... 😊 You and her have survived many battles in your marriage already...imagine 25 years of marriage wow that is really amazing! I believe this is just one of those...It is not yet too late for you and your wife and it will never going to be too late if you and her are willing...
Remember...you both promised "for better and worse" in your best health and in your worst health you wil stay with her...You both will survive this again 😊


God bless you and your family 🙏🏼Welcome to CC! Stay safe ❤

When you say you don't recognise her, does this have only to do with looks or has her personality changed as well? You have not mentioned anything bad about her, so I'm not seeing how she has changed apart from her weight.

You say you guys were best friends and the center of each other's world. And youre saying that all of that changed because or her weight gain?

And now you're only staying because of the child? Wow that's so sad. When she looks at you, I wonder if she can see it in your eyes that you don't love her anymore?

But you know, life is very funny sometimes. What if you were to divorce your wife and remarry, and then you gained weight or lost some of your attractiveness and the new wife began to shun you?

Yes, life is like that sometimes...

If you can afford a baby sitter then you should look into that. So that your wife can get some time to go to the gym maybe (When all this covid lockdown is done with)You guys can go together.

A baysitter, hopefully should give you and her more time to relax.

But what does she generally eat? A change in diet maybe needed.

But this has to be discussed in love, not insults and anger.

You can also give her a surprise shopping experience, to fresh up her wardrobe. You can help her to select clothing that looks good on her, for whatever weight she maybe.

These are just some suggestions. You have to be creative if you want to bring back the love in your marriage.

But please bear in mind, your wife wont go back to looking like she did 25years ago. So please be realistic.

You may need to change your perspective. What is causing her to have no motivation? Is she stressed? Exhausted? Depressed? After I had my babies I was depressed and tired and gained weight. It is hard sometimes for females to lose weight because we have a slower metabolism. Can you come up with a work out plan and workout together? Could be a bonding experience? Does she have any old hobbies you can reintroduce to her? Has her personality changed or just her looks? What are her love languages? Her love tank could be empty. When my love tank gets empty I am just unhappy and unmotivated. Please consider studying the 5 love languages and figure out what hers is. Watch the movie Fireproof and maybe purchase The Love Dare. Love is an action not a feeling. You have to choose to love her today and forever

She may not be the person you recognize but she is the woman that you love or at least you used to. Something about better or worse. Not sure which one is worse, the high opinion of your physique or your attitude towards your wife. I will surmise by your post that your wife is the better half of the equation.

You may be in great shape physically but your spiritual muscles need a bit of work. You sound a bit disillusioned on your marriage and I can understand that. I will pray for God to allow you to see your wife as the beautiful woman that He created her to be and that He trusted in your care.

Glad to have you as part of our community. Welcome to CC.

The remedy is simple, tell her your concerns you can politely tell her about your concerns, without being abusive. You could say, it would be nice if you came to the gym with me. Its best to stress your concerns otherwise things will go down hill, and sex will be the least of your worries.

I assume you’re a Christian. If yes, weight gain is not a reason to end a mariage. How about encouraging your wife to go out and work out with you? Or learning healthy recipes and making them for her? You can work on your encouragement skills brother. While you are at it, please look to Jesus Christ. Marriage is first and foremost vertical (looking to God) before being horizontal (dealing with you spouse).