Dealing with the feeling of “good girl” entitlement

I noticed something about myself lately. Al my life I’ve been a good child/teen, did as I was told (ish) and would often get rewarded for my good behavior. An extra treat, a word of praise, a toy - something. This was pretty constant through my formative years.

Now I’m an adult, 29, and I find myself getting frustrated when I am not given this extra attentiveness when doing a task. When I go above and beyond my job, stay later then usual, or follow a protocol, for some reason I keep excpecting to be treated “special” because I did the thing I’m being PAID FOR. I’m just sitting her annoyed thinking, “lady you get money what more do you want.” For some reason, I want an atta’girl. I want to be given special access or consideration. And I find myself becoming frustrated and weary when I don’t get it.

And I don’t like that I subconsciously EXPECT that. Does anyone else deal with this?

My sister is like that, needs approval a lot, we grew up polar opposites. She would do what she was told and would get rewarded for it, me i would just do whatever because i am highly individualistic, doing things my own way, and would rather choose punishment and scolding rather than just do as im told and neglect my nature. I guess for me i got scolded and yelled at so much that i just approved myself because i never had the chance to be reliant on approval of others, also because i knew i never was going to get any.

I had to learn by watching my sister that when you allow people to build you up, they can just as easily tear you down. So for me its best to be self motivated and self inspired in and with my own objectives and staying true to them. Approval/ disapproval is for the ones who are casting it anyways. If they feel good about what i did, good for them, if they feel annoyed by it, good for them too. Just as long as i am doing my best, and I know my stuff is good, im always winning.

I had to deal with something similar. My parents went great lengths to make me and my brothers childhood good. Even the bad moments they went to lengths to make it good. My parents experienced a good amount of debt doing so also. But once I got old enough to where they no longer needed to care for me. I realized everything doesn't work out or go as planned. And bad situations didn't always seem to work out magically lol. It was a hard transition. I would get to the point to expect the failure, expect the event to let me down in some sorts way. I stopped getting excited for things as if a defensive mechanism so the failures or flaws wouldn't hurt as bad.

Not the same but changing this mindset has never been easy. But I also struggle with anxiety which makes things difficult when I lose control of a situation. So that is definitely a factor.

As for you. Words of admiration could be your love language which says you as an individual needs admiration to feel whole. A good leader knows employees work better when complemented. It is normal to feel unsettled when you are doing good because doing good is what a job should be looking for and should be rewarding. Because there are many employees who take the opposite result and do enough to just get paid. In my job it is usually the sorry employees to get rewarded. It is hard to find good employees who work hard. A good employer should recognize that. It doesn't cost anything to tell you how much they appreciate you.

I did get praises when I was a child but nothing excessive. I am pretty introverted so I do not seek this outward attention or rewards. It is nice to be appreciated though. My manager is the type to not really give praises in general, but I know he thinks I'm doing a good job if I don't get back too many edits/questions.

I think it's good and it's normal for us to praise one another and lift each other up. Just moving through the workday, getting a paycheck, week after week, is nice because it's a stable routine, but it's also impersonal. Behind every eight shift there's a unique person with feelings and ideas pumping out TPS reports, answering phone calls, coordinating projects, etc. A lot of hard work goes into it, but all too often we're just concerned about our bottom lines: did we meet this month's quota or not?

We often work thankless jobs because when things are going good there's nothing to be alarmed about. There's no motivation to change what is working so well. It's only when there are problems we hear about how we're so inadequate and that we are failures, but that we must work harder to be better because our employers depend on it. The perception formed, then, is that we are merely cogs in a machine, ready to be replaced at the first sign of weakness. However, if we perform as expected then we can safely fly under the radar out of sight and out of mind, thus giving credence to the timeless saying "No news is good news."

My experience isn't exactly the same as yours, but I think I have something to offer on the topic. I was what you would call a very obedient child in my elementary and middle school years. My motives for being obedient were usually to make my parents happy because they didn't necessarily give us a lot of materialistic rewards. I took their emotional states upon myself and believed that if I was perfect, they would be happy.

As an adult, with much grace from the Lord, I do my best not to make my decisions with these motives anymore for several reasons. However, I might still feel frustrated at times because someone didn't treat me the way I believe I deserved. Uncovering my motives is the first step to dealing with the frustration for me.

Yeah I get that. A lot of times getting to the core of it helps to deal with it, or at least for the sudden appearance of the bad emotions not to seem so sudden and confusing.

More about the words of affirmation I think I can attest to that being part of me. Because I just found out I had majorly disappointed the expectations my supervisor had, and man it just CUT me up. I had to sit with my head in my hands for a second, but then had to get back to work. Thankfully God has given me a mechanism where if I do activities it helps me to be more alert and cheerful.

But yeah. I can honestly say that I would rather outright fail something and be let go than disappoint a person. It’s like “ok now I’m sad and you expect me to still work when I’m so despondent?”

I feel for ya, I’m the same way... it sucks to work your butt off, and stay late or come in early to get more work done, yet not even be recognized for it. Some employers just don’t give a flip about the hard dedicated workers, and yet give all the praise to those who don’t even show up on time, or call in all the time.

I’ve considered looking for another job, but the lord has told me I’m not done yet, so I’m trying to find my purpose where I’m at and fulfill my duty.

I wish that was where I was at, where I was doing exceptionally well and not getting recognized. Instead I’m doing poorly and being seen for how poorly I’m doing. It’s so frustrating though. I know in my mind that I’m trying to do better, and I’m trying to default to the position of “my supervisor wants me to be like him but I can’t he’s not being fair/realistic in his expectations.” I know a small percentage of that is true, but at the same time I’m just....I’m just not pushing myself enough I guess? I don’t know

Hmm... I remember one trainee who was doing okay I guess. One day he said "Would it kill you to give me a compliment once in a while?"

"Did you get your paycheck last Thursday?"

"Yeah."

"Well, that's your thanks. You got paid. You did the job that was set for you and you got paid. What are you complaining about?"

Growing up I was a major people pleaser and like you I needed the praise. I find now that it still creeps up every now and then but I try to keep myself in check.

Keeping yourself in check...... what does that mean Pipp?

I'm not a girl, but I've had the gender equivalent experience. I found that when I pray before work, dedicating my work to God, in His name and for His glory, that I always have a great day, and I find favor with my employer.

It's great that you're a good employee but I would not expect special treatment because the truth is all employees should be good employees. Employers are sometimes slow to get rid of those that won't pull their weight, and are probably hesitant because their replacement might be even worse. As for myself, I really don't care that much about compliments. The best compliment you can give an employee is a raise. You're right, you're paid do a job but more money would be preferable than a compliment.

Yeah, they still expect you to work when your sad and despondent. I guess you got to check those feelings at the door and just focus on the task at hand. That's just the way it is.

I'm going crazy! I wish I could go back to work. I guess I can get another job for now.

To be honest, I like encouragement from people when I'm down on myself but any praise just causes me to feel uncomfortable.

The Lord will exalt what is humbled in due time...I rest in that and look for his approval/favor.


I think maybe part of it is, when people give me a "thumbs up" it's not really me, just him...and it's awkward "pointing up" so I'd rather not have it in general, but I do like concessions given for less effort or for people to let me know when they think I'm doing "too much" and be specific. I like being appreciated, but I also pay attention to the practical side of things and know I'm off utility regardless and either compare or potentially overanalyze everything in a given situation.

Ends up being taxing lol. Not exactly helpful but the praise goes to him, I just find encouragement helpful that they can see that in some way...either by opportunities to witness in some fashion or his presence. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea why I'm continuing to expend energy for something and I reassess at some point.

Good question. All my adult life I have worked in a business in which bonuses were a large part of my income. A job where I was "rewarded" monetarily. As years passed, my bonuses began to be replaced by "Atta Boy's" . All things being equal, I needed my bonuses and truly could do without the atta boy's...

Same here. Atta boy's don't pay the cable.

That is a good point. I’m gonna try that.