Do you have to be smart with money to marry

So my mom grew up in the old school of “find a man who will take care of you.” Now to be fair she wasn’t in the attitude of a man has to make all the money, has to do all the manual labor, has to run all the financials by himself, ect ect. But she always and still really stresses the need of any man I date needing to be a man with a good education and income.

I could care less about income. But as a result my mother has literally called the men I’ve dated, God fearing and sweet men, losers. Not all of them though, apparently if they have a job and a car they’re fine, but day it’s a part time then he’s gonna “have to do better.”

That just grates me like sand paper. But am I wrong? Or is she wrong? Or is there a grey in the middle I haven’t found yet?

Any other thoughts? I especially wanna know what guys think about that.

From my experience which is 8 years of marriage and now 29 years old is that what you will learn about money within marriage is hard to prepare for other than just having to experience it. The amount of bills and different directions where your money will be needed is often hard to imagine without experiencing it. Money is the number one reason spouses fight.

With today's technology, being financially responsible is easier than it once was. Balancing the check book was once very difficult for me but now due to online banking and banking apps makes financing soo much easier. Same with taxes, the online tax sites like Turbotax makes it easy for simple people.

You dont have to be smart but you dont need to be clueless or unwise either. Unfortunately even if you think your prepared, life has a grand way of knocking you in the gut as in a medical issue, storm damage, a child on the way, kid done clogged up the toilets, the AC unit is on its last leg, car needs new tires, global recessions etc etc. Much of it you just have to experience and make mistakes. Try not to repeat them.

We have over drafted like 3 times, had the internet shut off, our trash can taken away, medical debtors harass us, was once 2 payments behind on the house payment and threatened with losing the house, messed up with forgetting the auto payments, learned the hard way about how insurance works with fixing storm damage and ended up having to fork out 1200 dollars of our own money, had a $1000 limit on a credit card then wife maxed it out so it took forever to pay it back. Thankfully during the eight years we didn't experience anything extreme from the failures other than money being tight at times. Now for us we are having to build back up our credit score.

I think one can be smart but still be unwise. It truly takes wisdom, discipline and experience.

Dave Ramsey has some really good financial information from a Biblical worldview. If a person could adopt his method especially before marriage, it would save so much stress.

Try to prepare and do your homework on anything financially related so you can atleast try to limit the mistakes from ignorance or the loss of money than comes from people taking advantage of your ignorance.

Constantly keep on eye on your money and try to have a budget telling where your income goes because if you do not then you will over spend until your penny pinching until the next paycheck with no money in savings.

THANK YOU.

My first "reactionary" thought after reading the thread title was:

"Apparently not -- just look around you..."

(hahaha)

On a more serious note - your mother no doubt just wants for you to never be "less than comfortable" in your marriage - i.e. - she wants for you to be "well taken care of" by your husband.

Which is honorable - as long as it doesn't become the top priority.

Don't marry for money.

Don't marry for happiness.

Marry for the journey.

Because - that is what it is really all about...

Being old fashioned, as your mother sounds, isn't automatically correct. Neither is it automatically incorrect. There's wisdom and foolishness in every generation.
You don't want to be married to a man that does well, but shows no interest in you, or mistreats you.
You also don't want to marry someone that treats you great but spends his day playing video games and refuses to work.
Like most things in life a degree of moderation is often ideal. If a man works, makes a modest income, but you're both happy together that will mean much more than sitting in a nice house, alone every night, because your husband is at work late, again.
And don't let someone else dictate who you date or marry, because long after they're gone you're the one having to live with the consequences, not them. No matter how well intentioned they are.

sugar daddy?

Artsie...you got to have some smarts too, a marriage is meant to be equally yoked not someone dragging someone else around in a gilded cage.

I think I've stated around here before, and will keep stating because I believe it to be wise and true, that how a man manages (or fails to manage) his money is far more important than how much money actually comes in his paycheck. As to "a man who will take care of you" (or has the ability and resources to and not just the wish to), I'm much more a fan of partnership than dependence. So I would never expect a guy to grant my every whim (though I'd think it was sweet of him when he tried to grant some of the silly ones), but I would also avoid a guy who's plans include me supporting him or who's need of my money was a primary factor in the relationship (and I'd encourage guys to take the same view of women who are looking for a man to fill the role of benefactor / ATM).

It is the responsibility of a man to provide for his wife and family. He should be the primary breadwinner. A woman’s primary job is to stay home and take care of the kids. This doesn’t mean that she can’t engage in some income generating activity in her spare time should she desire to do so.

It is not unusual in modern society for a man and woman to work outside the home while outsourcing child rearing to day care centers and public schools, or for single parents to be raising children. Personally, I think this is the cause of many of our problems in modern society.

As far as financials, it is probably a good idea for both to be aware of that so nobody is unpleasantly surprised.

As far as her opinion of the men you date, I would say she’s correct (though loser may be a bit harsh). They just need to grow up and take care of their own business before they are ready to marry or be in a relationship. You probably already know this, but financial disagreements and struggles are one of the major causes of divorce.

It seems like it's more complicated than ever to date these days, but from what I can gather your mom sounds like she is just trying to make sure your material needs are met. Materialism is good to a certain extent, but it won't buy you happiness. I've had abundance and I've also had a broken and dysfunctional marriage. There's no point if there isn't love between husband and wife. Please don't learn this the hard way because it can be a life-ruiner.

Ideally you'll find a wealthy, handsome, intelligent, Christian man who has it all together and garners your mom's seal of approval. But with how things are changed in society, men are expecting women to be less and less dependent on them as a financial resource. It's complicated, but that's why dating exists. If you get serious with someone, but sure to ask all the hard questions before putting a ring on it.

question that you need to ask
be direct

HOW MUCH MONEY ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY WE ARE GOING TO HAVE???

Get him to do the maths. You can say Im gonna bank on x number of children, so we need this much. A house this big, and a car this size, and we are going to put them in this school that costs this much, they need three meals a day and clothing, and your job needs to sustain us for at least 18 years.

I will do all the cooking and cleaning and washing so we need a washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, bathroom, adequate kitchen facilities and possibly a second vehicle otherwise I will be stuck at home all day unable to go anywhere while the children are driving me bonkers. we also need pets and to feed them too. My mother will be the free babysitter while I go get my hair and nails done

Just want to add its actually biblical to do this, Jesus said count the cost before building anything. if you do want a new home that is, unless you are happy living in a cardboard shack....

Also in the Bible its said if a man doesnt look after his own household, he is worse than an infidel. So your mum saying some of your dates were losers is probably her way of saying they wouldnt make very good husbands.

Regarding the Title of the OP:

Based on the Divorce Rate here in the US, there has been no evidence of it so far.

Yes, marry for the journey. That's what marriage is all about.

You got this down pat.

You definitely should be concerned about current income and potential income. Most importantly, the work ethic of the potential spouse. Avoid like the plague a guy who is lazy and lacks all ambition.

Agreed. It is one thing to rest when needed, but an altogether different thing to be lazy. I won't consider someone who doesn't have at least the same level of ambition when it comes to work ethic.

Yes very. Smart? Indeed. 😄

But if you’re green with greed or have a love for money it’s like another wife.

Do you have to be? No
Should you be? Absolutely

It’s one of the things to look for and discuss while dating.

And I think part of it for me too is that...well to be frank I'm not good with money myself. So it's a bit unfair to expect him to be FOR me. Maybe it's just better for BOTH of us to learn frugality?

appearently frugality is a Dutch trait so you could always check if your date is Dutch.
I hadnt ever dated a dutchman but my girlfriends who are dutch Ive noticed always split the bill. I havea friend who married a dutchman but that didnt last long as she couldnt handle living off the smell of an oily rag.