With So Many "Fish in the Sea", How Many Should Someone be Baiting at Once?
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Hey Everyone,
It's a given that many of us hope to find a special someone. But, we're also all pressed for time, as well as getting a little (cough, cough) older. Everyone tells us to "wait on the Lord", but then we are also told that God won't drop someone into our lap, so we actually have to get up (gasp!) and start looking!
However... How aggressively are we allowed to be looking?
* Is it ok to write a generic "Hey, I'd like to get to know you" message, and send it out to a hundred possible candidates at one time?
* Is it ok to instant message 10 different people you might be interested in--all at one time? And if you don't have any luck that day, is it ok to instant message another 10 the next day, just waiting for someone to tug on the line?
* If a person IS talking to several possible candidates at once, how do they juggle them all fairly, and how do you start deciding who gets eliminated? How do you narrow it down to one lucky candidate, or is it ok to keep several people "on the line" "just in case" one doesn't work out?
I have to be honest in saying that if I get a feeling or proof that I'm just a number on a hook, my choice will be to bail out immediately. I understand that most people probably feel they don't have the time to approach people one at a time, take the time to get to know them, and then risk having that time "wasted" when things don't work out and they could be getting to know 10 other "maybe's" at the same time, but that seems to be the way it works now days.
Granted, I'm probably the last person anyone would want to look to as an example of how to find someone. I've always stuck to the "old-fashioned" ways of meeting people on forums (strike up a friendship and see where it goes over some time), and that's probably why I'm still single after many long years--but I've made great friends along the way, and I have no regrets.
However, I understand that most people want to find someone as soon as possible (and maybe even get married on their birthday of this year
), but what is the difference between "actively looking"... and simply throwing out line after line or casting a net as wide as possible--or is this the way to go?
Where is the line between doing all we can do, and making people feel as if they're being put on hold--while the other person makes sure there isn't someone better on another line?
I'd really like to hear everyone's thoughts about this, because it's happening all the time.
It's a given that many of us hope to find a special someone. But, we're also all pressed for time, as well as getting a little (cough, cough) older. Everyone tells us to "wait on the Lord", but then we are also told that God won't drop someone into our lap, so we actually have to get up (gasp!) and start looking!
However... How aggressively are we allowed to be looking?
* Is it ok to write a generic "Hey, I'd like to get to know you" message, and send it out to a hundred possible candidates at one time?
* Is it ok to instant message 10 different people you might be interested in--all at one time? And if you don't have any luck that day, is it ok to instant message another 10 the next day, just waiting for someone to tug on the line?
* If a person IS talking to several possible candidates at once, how do they juggle them all fairly, and how do you start deciding who gets eliminated? How do you narrow it down to one lucky candidate, or is it ok to keep several people "on the line" "just in case" one doesn't work out?
I have to be honest in saying that if I get a feeling or proof that I'm just a number on a hook, my choice will be to bail out immediately. I understand that most people probably feel they don't have the time to approach people one at a time, take the time to get to know them, and then risk having that time "wasted" when things don't work out and they could be getting to know 10 other "maybe's" at the same time, but that seems to be the way it works now days.
Granted, I'm probably the last person anyone would want to look to as an example of how to find someone. I've always stuck to the "old-fashioned" ways of meeting people on forums (strike up a friendship and see where it goes over some time), and that's probably why I'm still single after many long years--but I've made great friends along the way, and I have no regrets.
However, I understand that most people want to find someone as soon as possible (and maybe even get married on their birthday of this year
), but what is the difference between "actively looking"... and simply throwing out line after line or casting a net as wide as possible--or is this the way to go?Where is the line between doing all we can do, and making people feel as if they're being put on hold--while the other person makes sure there isn't someone better on another line?
I'd really like to hear everyone's thoughts about this, because it's happening all the time.
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I've pasted a couple of the most telling quotes from the Movie "When Harry Met Sally" just for fun and to illustrate the honest complexity in differences between single male vs female perspectives on friendships between men and women. Bottomline: we're basically wired differently...
Where Harry's open and honest philosophy that he often shares with Sally is that single men can not just be friends with a woman he finds attractive because he is simply incapable of controlling his imagination and human desires...
The 25 Best Quotes From 'When Harry Met Sally'
5. "What I'm saying is--and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form--is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." -Harry explaining his entire philosophy to Sally
8. "All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband." -Marie on the difficulty of being single
24. "You know, you may be the first attractive woman I've not wanted to sleep with in my entire life." -Harry to Sally
Conclusion - based upon "When Harry Met Sally" as a baseline (lol, it would seem - guys don't be haters), single women may simply have the capacity to be 'just friends' with more guy-friends than men are with gal-pals (especially when there is an attraction)...
Where Harry's open and honest philosophy that he often shares with Sally is that single men can not just be friends with a woman he finds attractive because he is simply incapable of controlling his imagination and human desires...
The 25 Best Quotes From 'When Harry Met Sally'
5. "What I'm saying is--and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form--is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." -Harry explaining his entire philosophy to Sally
8. "All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband." -Marie on the difficulty of being single
24. "You know, you may be the first attractive woman I've not wanted to sleep with in my entire life." -Harry to Sally
Conclusion - based upon "When Harry Met Sally" as a baseline (lol, it would seem - guys don't be haters), single women may simply have the capacity to be 'just friends' with more guy-friends than men are with gal-pals (especially when there is an attraction)...
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We can blame the fallen state of our world and rampant hormones in our young folks for this confusion. We have had periods, where the boundaries were better defined, and then it was easier to meet and mate. In the forties and fifties, men and women usually approached each other with a lot more respect. Not just respect for each other but for societal norms.
The roaring twenties into the thirties were a lot like the atmosphere that picked up again in the sixties. I matured in the early sixties and sex was out in the open and on everyone's mind.
I blame media, like television and movies, for playing to that open sexual mindset. But it tells the young men that being promiscuous was normal and okay. As our youngsters are exposed to more and more sexual behavior in the media, they become more susceptible to loose moral behavior. It just gets worse as time goes on. Even so: Come, Lord Jesus.
The roaring twenties into the thirties were a lot like the atmosphere that picked up again in the sixties. I matured in the early sixties and sex was out in the open and on everyone's mind.
I blame media, like television and movies, for playing to that open sexual mindset. But it tells the young men that being promiscuous was normal and okay. As our youngsters are exposed to more and more sexual behavior in the media, they become more susceptible to loose moral behavior. It just gets worse as time goes on. Even so: Come, Lord Jesus.
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...maybe we should be directing this questions over to the married with families forum. We’re all hanging around here so by definition we’re not doing this right.
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Hey Everyone,
It's a given that many of us hope to find a special someone. But, we're also all pressed for time, as well as getting a little (cough, cough) older. Everyone tells us to "wait on the Lord", but then we are also told that God won't drop someone into our lap, so we actually have to get up (gasp!) and start looking!
However... How aggressively are we allowed to be looking?
* Is it ok to write a generic "Hey, I'd like to get to know you" message, and send it out to a hundred possible candidates at one time?
* Is it ok to instant message 10 different people you might be interested in--all at one time? And if you don't have any luck that day, is it ok to instant message another 10 the next day, just waiting for someone to tug on the line?
* If a person IS talking to several possible candidates at once, how do they juggle them all fairly, and how do you start deciding who gets eliminated? How do you narrow it down to one lucky candidate, or is it ok to keep several people "on the line" "just in case" one doesn't work out?
I have to be honest in saying that if I get a feeling or proof that I'm just a number on a hook, my choice will be to bail out immediately. I understand that most people probably feel they don't have the time to approach people one at a time, take the time to get to know them, and then risk having that time "wasted" when things don't work out and they could be getting to know 10 other "maybe's" at the same time, but that seems to be the way it works now days.
Granted, I'm probably the last person anyone would want to look to as an example of how to find someone. I've always stuck to the "old-fashioned" ways of meeting people on forums (strike up a friendship and see where it goes over some time), and that's probably why I'm still single after many long years--but I've made great friends along the way, and I have no regrets.
However, I understand that most people want to find someone as soon as possible (and maybe even get married on their birthday of this year), but what is the difference between "actively looking"... and simply throwing out line after line or casting a net as wide as possible--or is this the way to go?
Where is the line between doing all we can do, and making people feel as if they're being put on hold--while the other person makes sure there isn't someone better on another line?
I'd really like to hear everyone's thoughts about this, because it's happening all the time.
It's a given that many of us hope to find a special someone. But, we're also all pressed for time, as well as getting a little (cough, cough) older. Everyone tells us to "wait on the Lord", but then we are also told that God won't drop someone into our lap, so we actually have to get up (gasp!) and start looking!
However... How aggressively are we allowed to be looking?
* Is it ok to write a generic "Hey, I'd like to get to know you" message, and send it out to a hundred possible candidates at one time?
* Is it ok to instant message 10 different people you might be interested in--all at one time? And if you don't have any luck that day, is it ok to instant message another 10 the next day, just waiting for someone to tug on the line?
* If a person IS talking to several possible candidates at once, how do they juggle them all fairly, and how do you start deciding who gets eliminated? How do you narrow it down to one lucky candidate, or is it ok to keep several people "on the line" "just in case" one doesn't work out?
I have to be honest in saying that if I get a feeling or proof that I'm just a number on a hook, my choice will be to bail out immediately. I understand that most people probably feel they don't have the time to approach people one at a time, take the time to get to know them, and then risk having that time "wasted" when things don't work out and they could be getting to know 10 other "maybe's" at the same time, but that seems to be the way it works now days.
Granted, I'm probably the last person anyone would want to look to as an example of how to find someone. I've always stuck to the "old-fashioned" ways of meeting people on forums (strike up a friendship and see where it goes over some time), and that's probably why I'm still single after many long years--but I've made great friends along the way, and I have no regrets.
However, I understand that most people want to find someone as soon as possible (and maybe even get married on their birthday of this year
), but what is the difference between "actively looking"... and simply throwing out line after line or casting a net as wide as possible--or is this the way to go?Where is the line between doing all we can do, and making people feel as if they're being put on hold--while the other person makes sure there isn't someone better on another line?
I'd really like to hear everyone's thoughts about this, because it's happening all the time.
https://www.boundless.org/relationships/get-serious-about-online-dating/
I read the article, and will excerpt all the red flags...
“romance novels or rom-coms. So, as an avid consumer of both”
“I wasn’t super interested at that point, but thought, Hey, a free dinner. ”
“ Likewise, if a guy pushes back and insists on your number before you have met in person, drop him; he isn’t going to respect your other boundaries, either.”
(...this is thoroughly retarded advice as exchanging numbers and calling / FaceTiming up front is the one way to rule out that you are being catfished/scammed.)
“These are highly successful women in their professional fields.”
All major red flags. In the end, there isn’t any such thing as Christian feminism any more than there is such a thing as Christian alcoholism or Christian atheism. You cannot take a philosophy or behavior that had its root in unbelief, stick the label Christian on it, and somehow baptize it and make it ok.
“romance novels or rom-coms. So, as an avid consumer of both”
“I wasn’t super interested at that point, but thought, Hey, a free dinner. ”
“ Likewise, if a guy pushes back and insists on your number before you have met in person, drop him; he isn’t going to respect your other boundaries, either.”
(...this is thoroughly retarded advice as exchanging numbers and calling / FaceTiming up front is the one way to rule out that you are being catfished/scammed.)
“These are highly successful women in their professional fields.”
All major red flags. In the end, there isn’t any such thing as Christian feminism any more than there is such a thing as Christian alcoholism or Christian atheism. You cannot take a philosophy or behavior that had its root in unbelief, stick the label Christian on it, and somehow baptize it and make it ok.
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Obvious criticisms aside (most have already been noted), I thought the article had some merit. I agroee with the idea of putting effort into finding a suitable partner, rather than passively waiting on the Lord. Prayer should definitely be central, but unless you sense God telling you to wait, move forward. I also liked the advice to message once and then get on with your day.
Her approach to initiating contact is interesting: a brief message with a clear, direct expression of interest. If you can find a profile that actually seems like it checks all your boxes, then go for it. Most that I see have sketchy or conflicting information at best, and "Christian" on the profile can mean a lot of different things, some of them distinctly not Christian. The author also overlooked one important factor: distance. The byline says she lives in Fort Worth; that's 7.5 million people within an hour's drive. There aren't even 300,000 living within an hour of my location, and many of those who live in the city aren't interested in anyone outside the city.
The author is critical of low-key approaches to initiating contact. The fad lingo ("weak sauce") doesn't help, and will stale-date her article quickly. She tried one specific thing, and it worked for her, but did not put the same effort into any other specific approach, so her comments are little more than opinion.
As a whole, the article has enough good advice to be worth reading for those who are willing to use an online dating site. Just remember that it is only one person's perspective.
Her approach to initiating contact is interesting: a brief message with a clear, direct expression of interest. If you can find a profile that actually seems like it checks all your boxes, then go for it. Most that I see have sketchy or conflicting information at best, and "Christian" on the profile can mean a lot of different things, some of them distinctly not Christian. The author also overlooked one important factor: distance. The byline says she lives in Fort Worth; that's 7.5 million people within an hour's drive. There aren't even 300,000 living within an hour of my location, and many of those who live in the city aren't interested in anyone outside the city.
The author is critical of low-key approaches to initiating contact. The fad lingo ("weak sauce") doesn't help, and will stale-date her article quickly. She tried one specific thing, and it worked for her, but did not put the same effort into any other specific approach, so her comments are little more than opinion.
As a whole, the article has enough good advice to be worth reading for those who are willing to use an online dating site. Just remember that it is only one person's perspective.
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I will usually wait 2-3 weeks before asking her out. There are scammers out there, need to take things slow and if she shows patience that’s a fruit of the spirit I look for. If she is aggressive I will run away.
The free dinner comment rolled my eyes. There are some good points but really it’s easy... watch out for scammers, look for red flags, protect your heart, and pray pray pray.
The free dinner comment rolled my eyes. There are some good points but really it’s easy... watch out for scammers, look for red flags, protect your heart, and pray pray pray.
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“I had given up on getting my “meet cute,” so I approached online dating half-heartedly…for years. But one day, after a guy contacted me, emailed me long, detailed messages for over a month, met me in person, then proceeded to ghost me, I decided to get serious. My relationship status hadn’t changed, so I knew my game had to.
First, I thought very carefully about what I wanted in a match, and then I narrowed my search until I got only about 30 men within a 100 mile radius. Every search criterion was an essential, with only one element being a “nice to have.” I limited it by faith, marital status and education. I left out height or whether they had children at home. I left out how frequently they exercised. Then, I messaged every single one of them...
Not a single one wrote me back.
All thirty of these Christian men ignored me. I continued with my search (still the same broad criteria) and pattern of messaging. I received replies from dudes who were clearly not reading my profile and instead sending messages to anyone with a picture. (“Hey gurrrrl, ur buaetifull.”) I ignored them.
About a month after I sent all those messages, I finally heard back from one of the recipients. His name was Andy, and he is now my husband.”
Well...perhaps if at first you don’t succeed, drop your standards till you do?
I actually found the whole thing a bit distasteful, but somewhat par for the course for an individual who pursues a certain course till at some point becomes acutely aware that this pursuit has opportunity costs associated with it.
First, I thought very carefully about what I wanted in a match, and then I narrowed my search until I got only about 30 men within a 100 mile radius. Every search criterion was an essential, with only one element being a “nice to have.” I limited it by faith, marital status and education. I left out height or whether they had children at home. I left out how frequently they exercised. Then, I messaged every single one of them...
Not a single one wrote me back.
All thirty of these Christian men ignored me. I continued with my search (still the same broad criteria) and pattern of messaging. I received replies from dudes who were clearly not reading my profile and instead sending messages to anyone with a picture. (“Hey gurrrrl, ur buaetifull.”) I ignored them.
About a month after I sent all those messages, I finally heard back from one of the recipients. His name was Andy, and he is now my husband.”
Well...perhaps if at first you don’t succeed, drop your standards till you do?
I actually found the whole thing a bit distasteful, but somewhat par for the course for an individual who pursues a certain course till at some point becomes acutely aware that this pursuit has opportunity costs associated with it.
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“I had given up on getting my “meet cute,” so I approached online dating half-heartedly…for years. But one day, after a guy contacted me, emailed me long, detailed messages for over a month, met me in person, then proceeded to ghost me, I decided to get serious. My relationship status hadn’t changed, so I knew my game had to.
First, I thought very carefully about what I wanted in a match, and then I narrowed my search until I got only about 30 men within a 100 mile radius. Every search criterion was an essential, with only one element being a “nice to have.” I limited it by faith, marital status and education. I left out height or whether they had children at home. I left out how frequently they exercised. Then, I messaged every single one of them...
Not a single one wrote me back.
All thirty of these Christian men ignored me. I continued with my search (still the same broad criteria) and pattern of messaging. I received replies from dudes who were clearly not reading my profile and instead sending messages to anyone with a picture. (“Hey gurrrrl, ur buaetifull.”) I ignored them.
About a month after I sent all those messages, I finally heard back from one of the recipients. His name was Andy, and he is now my husband.”
Well...perhaps if at first you don’t succeed, drop your standards till you do?
I actually found the whole thing a bit distasteful, but somewhat par for the course for an individual who pursues a certain course till at some point becomes acutely aware that this pursuit has opportunity costs associated with it.
First, I thought very carefully about what I wanted in a match, and then I narrowed my search until I got only about 30 men within a 100 mile radius. Every search criterion was an essential, with only one element being a “nice to have.” I limited it by faith, marital status and education. I left out height or whether they had children at home. I left out how frequently they exercised. Then, I messaged every single one of them...
Not a single one wrote me back.
All thirty of these Christian men ignored me. I continued with my search (still the same broad criteria) and pattern of messaging. I received replies from dudes who were clearly not reading my profile and instead sending messages to anyone with a picture. (“Hey gurrrrl, ur buaetifull.”) I ignored them.
About a month after I sent all those messages, I finally heard back from one of the recipients. His name was Andy, and he is now my husband.”
Well...perhaps if at first you don’t succeed, drop your standards till you do?
I actually found the whole thing a bit distasteful, but somewhat par for the course for an individual who pursues a certain course till at some point becomes acutely aware that this pursuit has opportunity costs associated with it.
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You might want to rethink that. Every initiative, in any area, has opportunity cost. Finding a marriage partner is one where the opportunity cost is rightly and wholeheartedly embraced, because marrying one person requires that you consciously reject all others, including all the ones you've never met.
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