Marriage

Hello,



I am in recovery of being an ACOA. I have my daily struggles. I need help and inspiration. I am married to a spouse who does not like who I am or what I am going through and basically tells me... he can’t be with me until I get my stuff together. I’m so hurt. We have been together since high school and married for almost 10 years. As a Christian I find it hard to believe this will be the end of us but I can’t change his mind. I don’t blame him for not understanding me and not wanting to deal with me. I need the strength to get through this. He shows he’s ashamed and disgusted by me.

Thank you. Thank you!

In need of prayers and encouragement....Please HELP!

Do you have a sponsor? Have you gone to rehab?

If you have a sponsor have you talked about this? Rehab for a bit may not be a "terrible" idea, gives both of you space.

Have you considered marriage counseling at all?


His mentality I don't really understand too well...it seems like he'd be all for it. It's always useful to hear both sides of the story though, that' why counseling is a wise move.

My parents were alcoholics... but do they have rehab for adult children of alcoholics?

We have tried marriage counseling but we went once and he was basically felt like the therapist was taking my side and we stopped going. “Cringe”

I wonder......I am however participating in aca meetings.

Oh I didn't realize you were talking about Al-anon. You yourself are not a recovering alcoholic? Oh answered it for myself...adult child of an alcoholic.

hmm...have you thought about maybe seeing a different counselor. Do you have a pastor that does this sort of thing? Not every counselor is the best fit. Some have their own issues they project on others. You need a balanced mediator/counselor. Can have a private talk also with a marriage counselor too.

We currently do not have a church home. We moved to a new area and never officially found one that fit both of us. I do think it would be a good idea to keep trying. I guess I am a bit reluctant to even ask my husband to give it another try but I will and see how it goes.

Thank you for your encouragements. This helps a lot! God Bless You, Mii.

Hey Believe.
It can be very hard for spouses of people with any sort of problem watching them destroy themselves - it can be heartbeaking. They also don't understand - and sometimes don't want to understand - what you are struggling with. You also didn't mention if you have children - that wouldn't be a great environment for them either.
You are obviously stressed & struggling to cope.
Sometimes it's better to get away into a rehab facility where you are separated for a while. That gives your other half time to think things through, and to re-evaluate everything. It takes the pressure off of both of you, then you can also get back to leading some sort of normality.
It is not always a good thing when you are in rehab, or trying to rehabilitate, to be near loved ones. One of the reasons for this is that loved ones can enable those who are struggling with various issues. It is also good to get away completely from those who don't understand you, and who constantly criticise you - this will make your self esteem plummet.
In my country where I work, we have people scheduled (locked away) for their own & others safety. They have a period of time where they aren't allowed visitors at all. This is for a few reasons, and it's complicated, but mainly so that the person in rehab can be correctly evaluated and start receving treatment, without any negative or positive influences; so we can observe them, and the client can reflect on their problems in a helpful and non-judgemental environment with 24/7 support available.
Living with others and constantly trying to defend yourself leads to more fighting etc, and you end up becoming hostile towards each other. It is not a good idea to be with your partner at this time.
I would urge you to go (or go back) and see your primary doctor, and ask to be scheduled into a rehab mental health unit, if possible. You NEED support in a supportive environment.
I for one have been told by many clients as well that support groups didn't work for them. Sometimes, people need individualised care and 1:1 specialised treatment.

Work on changing whatever your husband doesn't like about how your acting.. It doesn't have to be the end of your marriage, you can change his mind by changing yourself. The fact that one or both of your parents were alcoholics shouldn't be altering how you behave now. You weren't specific about what your husband has to 'deal with', but its obviously not very pleasant. Don't let your past screw-up your future, work on your issues. jmo

This is true. I do suffer from depression and anxiety. I have lessen my hours at work and taken one day off a week from5 to 4 days and it is a financial burden on us right now. I have also been attacking him about his betrayal. He lied to me about a relationship he has at work with a coworker of the opposite sex and we both considered it an “emotional affair” and when I get upset I do bring it up even though it happened 4 months ago. He still says it wasn’t a big deal, but it is very damaging. I felt I was being spiritually attacked. I would obsess about it and it destroyed me. I have tried so hard to get passed this betrayal. The deeper I dig to feel joy And forgiveness I just end up feeling anger. I know God says these feelings are evil And I’m working on it. I don’t nessarally do anything damaging to myself except for my mental illness. I try not let my past control me because I want a better future. I have more awareness, but I wish my husband would trust me and respect me. I feel that I need that and I deserve that.

Anger isn't a sin...nothing wrong with getting angry. Just shouldn't be quick to anger and to not sin in your anger.

Frustrations are something you need to work through


and to be clear posters she isn't an alcoholic...but has deep seated issues with her parents alcoholism. That's correct yes @Believe30

Hello and welcome, Believe30...

I'll offer a few thoughts that may be helpful. When I was married (it ended in divorce) my wife went through several years of depression, including 18 months in and out of the psychiatric ward. I could not trust her at all, because the moment she got any freedom, she would do something stupid (which probably made sense to her). Cutting, alcohol abuse, disappearing, and suicide attempts (one very nearly successful) were all part of the package. I picked up what pieces I could and tried to keep home "normal" for our two young children. It was a hell that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Years later, I realized that I had been struggling and had needed help to process everything that was happening to her, and how it had affected me.

While the details are different, it sounds like your story has many parallels. Even the emotional affair, as hurtful as it is, is familiar. Your husband is missing the woman he married, and may have no clue how to relate to you in this context. He likely needs support just as much as you do, just of a different kind, and frankly, neither of you is enough for the other right now. You're hurting, he's hurting, and you both need help.

Please don't blame him for the way he feels, and try not to demand support from him, because he may be incapable of giving it. Rather, you might find that acknowledging his hurt will do a lot of healing. Just don't give up, and don't try to sort everything out right now. God can get you through this... together.

Not all therapists are a match for every person or couple. Maybe you could ask your husband to find a counsellor of his choice, someone he feels comfortable with, so that you can try again. Let him know that you want to hear him. Often when we go through depression and anxiety we are so tied into our own issues that it is hard to hear the other person. We assume that they are judging us and not being supportive. What he may need to hear is that you want to be supportive of him. Let him know that you understand that this may take time but you want to acknowledge his pain. Do not expect him to let down his walls right away. He has scars too.
He needs to know you are listening. Do not jump in with defensiveness or turning it to your issues. Listen and stay on focus and affirm him. It could make all the difference in the world. Again, this is not about you being at fault, it is about a partner who has shut down because he feels abandoned. Let him know he matters. You can do this. I wish you all the best.