I’m a mess right now

Your name sounds (or looks Finnish hence this being in writing) Finnish. Are you Finnish?

It means Horseman in Finnish! Its a derogatory word used sometimes against us gypsies(roma people living here) but I have taken it and embraced it. I have actually rode horses since forever!

Susanna is a global name but common in Finland, are you of finnish descent or just a coincidence?

My great grandparents were Finnish. They moved to Gothenburg, Sweden, and their daughter married a sailor from Louisiana and she ended up in the swamplands with him. One of their many children were my mother.

As for lessons from wrings in the Word, the parable of the prodigal son helps and the parable of the shepherd, the one strayed sheep, and the 99 that did not stray.

Jesus will never abandon any of us, though at times we feel we deserve it. When you feel you are "bhack"d heaven and all here incliuding me, will rejoice for your being returned. Actually you have not been away according to your post, so praise our Maker...you are very special to God and the enemy will do danytihing to make yo not believe this.

One of the hardest things to learn is "don't repeat anything" if you hear gossip. It also is less likely if you don't hang around with gossips either.

In fact, it has been said that friendship is based on common interest.

Once that friendships loses its common interest, so does the friendship. Its a bit like people who drink too much. Once they give up drinking, they find they don't have anything in common with the people they drink with anymore as drinking was the only thing they had in common. In the light of day sober, they seem incredibly boring and dull.

Try switching your daily habits and check who your friends are. If you walk away from "friends" you meet feeling worse rather than better, maybe they are not your friends. Habits are hard to break - but switching habits, its the key to making yourself feel better. Read scripture everyday for guidance. If you know you gossip about people, or react to gossip, then think about how you would feel if you were the one others were gossiping about. "Do unto others..." is a good standard to keep to start with.

Don't worry.....sometimes it could be that you are just surrounded by doofuses. Change your habits and careful who you hang around with is maybe a good start.

Sometimes we all need a shake up to happen to us, as it gets rid of all the driftwood in our lives we are carrying. Check your friends and if they say negative things about others, they are probably doing the same about you - you have a choice to dump them.

Where did you get the teaching that gossiping was the unforgivable sin? If you did get this from someone else then never take any notice of their preaching ever again..

Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is the unforgivable sin..

As a Christian we should believe Jesus and trust that the Atonement He secured on the cross for our salvation see's to it that we are Redeemed and will have eternal life with God.. We should never be in fear of damnation if we believe and trust in Jesus and we have not blasphemed the Holy Spirit.. Fear of being condemned because of sins other then blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is disbelieving in the Atonement Jesus has secured for the forgiveness of those sins..

I guess I’m scared because it’s being going on for years...gossiping and not always being kind to my brother. Even my own family members...without giving it much thought. I’m afraid that God sees this as abandoning my belief and as I’ve read that there is no repentence for a person like this, as God hardens his heart. I’m afraid I have wasted my life and not lived it for Christ as I should have, not “bearing fruit” as the Bible says. I’m worried that I’ve become what they call an apostate or reprobate. It’s utterly terrifying.

I guess I’m scared because it’s being going on for years...gossiping and not always being kind to my brother. Even my own family members...without giving it much thought. I’m afraid that God sees this as abandoning my belief and as I’ve read that there is no repentence for a person like this, as God hardens his heart. I’m afraid I have wasted my life and not lived it for Christ as I should have, not “bearing fruit” as the Bible says. I’m worried that I’ve become what they call an apostate or reprobate. It’s utterly terrifying

If you believe that Jesus Christ is Lord and repent (which you have in your post) you are saved.

Luke 5;32.

" I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."

I do wholeheartedly. However, years of unrepented behavior makes me question my salvation and current thinking leads me to believe I have fallen away. It says there is no sacrifice then left for those who do this. And now I am utterly terrified.

Please take you time and read this.

Matthew 4:17 From that time Jesus began to preach, saying, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.”

Ezekiel 18:21-28, " 21 “But if a wicked person turns away from all his sins that he has committed and keeps all my statutes and does what is just and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. 22 None of the transgressions that he has committed shall be remembered against him; for the righteousness that he has done he shall live. 23 Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord GOD, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live? 24 But when a righteous person turns away from his righteousness and does injustice and does the same abominations that the wicked person does, shall he live? None of the righteous deeds that he has done shall be remembered; for the treachery of which he is guilty and the sin he has committed, for them he shall die. 25 “Yet you say, ‘The way of the Lord is not just.’ Hear now, O house of Israel: Is my way not just? Is it not your ways that are not just? 26 When a righteous person turns away from his righteousness and does injustice, he shall die for it; for the injustice that he has done he shall die. 27 Again, when a wicked person turns away from the wickedness he has committed and does what is just and right, he shall save his life. 28 Because he considered and turned away from all the transgressions that he had committed, he shall surely live; he shall not die.

Acts 3:19-23, " 19 Repent therefore, and turn back, that your sins may be blotted out, 20 that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you, Jesus, 21 whom heaven must receive until the time for restoring all the things about which God spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets long ago. 22 Moses said, ‘The Lord God will raise up for you a prophet like me from your brothers. You shall listen to him in whatever he tells you. 23 And it shall be that every soul who does not listen to that prophet shall be destroyed from the people.’

Luke 15:11-32, " 11 And he said, “There was a man who had two sons. 12 And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. 13 Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. 14 And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. 16 And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything. 17 “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! 18 I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ 20 And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. 21 And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ 22 But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. 23 And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. 24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate. 25 “Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. 27 And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’ 28 But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, 29 but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ 31 And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. 32 It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.’”

Jeremiah 17:13-14, " 13 O LORD, the hope of Israel, all who forsake you shall be put to shame; those who turn away from you shall be written in the earth, for they have forsaken the LORD, the fountain of living water. 14 Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise.

Jesus is the gate, His tachings are the path!

John 10:9, “I am the door. Whoever enters through Me, he shall be saved, and shall go in and shall go out and find pasture.”

Matthew 7:13-14, " 13 “Enter by the narrow gate/path. For the gate/path is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. 14 For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.

The Creator has something for each one of us as unique people, may we hear that call and walk in it. No matter how early or how late, His way is the way.

A lot of good answers here.

I have two questions for the one who thinks they are not saved.

Do you believe in Jesus, as Lord and savior?

Have ya been baptized?

Sinners prayer don make you saved.
Asking Jesus into your heart don't make you saved. Believing does, and confession.

This post sounds like a believer confessing. It must be that you are saved. So hey welcome to the club of believers who often mess up, and then get up and keep going.

Curious to know why you ask "Have ya been baptised"

Faith and BELIEF save you. Getting dunked in water, aka getting baptized, does not..

If you had fallen away then you would not been terrified.

I fully understand what you are going through.
Been there, seen it, done it and have the t-shirt.

When I got over that I then struggled with having to work to be saved.
Stop sinning, start doing and if I did enough I would be saved.

I was terrified that if I did not then God would say "That's it you are no longer saved"

What are you terrified about?

Totally agree with you

@Locoponydirtman does make a valid point as I see it.

I have the privilege of baptising people in my church.
When I do, I ask them have you done the following

Have you confessed with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead (Romans 10:9)

Baptism for me is a spiritual marker in a person's life.

I’m scared that I have proclaimed salvation and then strayed so far away over the years that as the Bible says “there is no longer a sacrifice for sin” aka you cannot repent and be forgiven.

Because baptism is the spiritual life marker. it is the life event, where you can look back and say yes I believed and I confessed and the reason why I know I believed and I confessed is because I went down and I had a pastor baptize me.

No longer a sacrifice for sin.

What Bible verses state that and what has your research on it led you to believe that you have committed that?