Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

Could ya'll pray for me? I am going to bed now but gosh...I have this stabbing pain on the back of my head in the lower right side. It hurts very much to the point where I'm losing vision. I'm gonna take a migraine pill and hope for the best. Please pray I can sleep so I can do my work tomorrow. Thank you!

Prayed for you. Hope you feel better, LilMermaid.

WARNING: DEPRESSING THOUGHTS AHEAD

So I have a theory about depression. Not clinical depression that is caused by a neurochemical imbalance. I have a theory about the epidemic of depression that is currently so widespread.

I believe it might just be logic. If you look at life logically it is very depressing. No matter what I do I can't really make any difference in anything. I can pile up money but it will go to somebody else when I die. A few years after I'm dead nobody will even remember I existed. I can enjoy life as much as possible but I know it will end and there's nothing I can do to fix that either.

And depending on what you believe, all of human life and society is just a genetic permutation. If somebody actually did wipe out all human life like movies keep predicting, nature would just make a new dominant species in a few hundred thousand years. So what's the point of trying to do anything?

The reason this depression is spreading so fast is we finally have time to realize it. For so long we as a species have had to work so hard to survive and succeed. Now we have more free time than ever before, and we realize there is no single thing in this whole world that is worth putting that time into.

We keep being surprised by people who kill themselves and lots of other people in big, violent ways, but I think (for those who don't believe in God) that is actually fairly logical. Nothing matters anyway. Why not go out with a bang?

The reason I mention this now is, I think we can expect a lot more violence, depression and general chaos in the near future. Unfortunately it's perfectly logical and reasonable.

WARNING: DEPRESSING THOUGHTS AHEAD

So I have a theory about depression. Not clinical depression that is caused by a neurochemical imbalance. I have a theory about the epidemic of depression that is currently so widespread.

I believe it might just be logic. If you look at life logically it is very depressing. No matter what I do I can't really make any difference in anything. I can pile up money but it will go to somebody else when I die. A few years after I'm dead nobody will even remember I existed. I can enjoy life as much as possible but I know it will end and there's nothing I can do to fix that either.

And depending on what you believe, all of human life and society is just a genetic permutation. If somebody actually did wipe out all human life like movies keep predicting, nature would just make a new dominant species in a few hundred thousand years. So what's the point of trying to do anything?

The reason this depression is spreading so fast is we finally have time to realize it. For so long we as a species have had to work so hard to survive and succeed. Now we have more free time than ever before, and we realize there is no single thing in this whole world that is worth putting that time into.

We keep being surprised by people who kill themselves and lots of other people in big, violent ways, but I think (for those who don't believe in God) that is actually fairly logical. Nothing matters anyway. Why not go out with a bang?

The reason I mention this now is, I think we can expect a lot more violence, depression and general chaos in the near future. Unfortunately it's perfectly logical and reasonable.

Annual 'actually share something personal on here' post, where i share too much. Yay! It's been a while, so i think i'm due.
And as always, i don't share to elicit sympathy, or because i expect answers, advice, etc... I don't share much normally, so this is my yearly update to anyone interested.

Still with 2 bad hips, but Finally got approved for disability (been trying since 2016). Still mostly stuck here at home. My kidney was edging towards bad levels. So that's been in my mind the past year. And recently there was a major issue with my kidney meds. It was resolved, but i missed a Lot of doses. Ever since my stomach has been bothering, so i fear that may have allowed my kidney levels to drop into bad levels. If so i'll eventually end up back on dialysis. And my next appointment isn't till June, for the specialist.
But, as i found out during my disability hearing, since i have untreated depression i'm not eligible for a new kidney until i get treatment. But i wasn't getting treatment because i was disabled and it took forever to get approved so i could get insurance again. So now that i am worried my kidney is shot, i find out i won't be eligible right away for a new one. Yay life.
I haven't told my dad about the possible kidney troubles yet. I've barely told anyone, so i've been dealing with that concern alone.

My sister, the alcoholic, is still 'living' here. But it seems every other week she disappears on a bender now. Literally. Often times she drinks so much she ends up in detox and being hospitalized for a week. A month or so ago she tried to kill herself. Took 90 pills, walked out and sat and started talking with my dad normally then casually slipped in that she took 90s pills. She survived. Turns out people have taken more than double of the same pills and didn't die. Bad choice if you want to kill yourself haha.
I'm pretty emotionally distant, so i wasn't greatly personally affected. But my dad is deeply affected by all of this. It infuriates me. He spent years taking care of my mother, watching her get sicker till she died. Then he spent the first years i was here taking care of me and worrying constantly. Now he's always taking care of her. He's 86 and deserves a break from all this. He's been through a good bit in his life without having to spend all his time taking care of others. It really breaks my heart that he hasn't had a better life, like one he deserves.

It's been a year February since i last spoke with SillyChick. I still miss her. Not a day has gone by where she hasn't come to mind multiple times a day. Still many songs i can't go near because it would be too painful. It's still common to see or hear something and my first impulse is to share it with her, then remembering that's not possible.

Still feel the same spiritually. Though i've purposefully hidden it since my return. I am still spiritually homeless, having no place in 'the world' nor with God. Perhaps it's a numbness, in a spiritual sense. I'm not really sure. I'm traversing waters i've never visited, and i have no map or compass, or even direction.




In sorrow I speak your name
And my voice mirrors my torment

Annual 'actually share something personal on here' post, where i share too much. Yay! It's been a while, so i think i'm due.
And as always, i don't share to elicit sympathy, or because i expect answers, advice, etc... I don't share much normally, so this is my yearly update to anyone interested.

Still with 2 bad hips, but Finally got approved for disability (been trying since 2016). Still mostly stuck here at home. My kidney was edging towards bad levels. So that's been in my mind the past year. And recently there was a major issue with my kidney meds. It was resolved, but i missed a Lot of doses. Ever since my stomach has been bothering, so i fear that may have allowed my kidney levels to drop into bad levels. If so i'll eventually end up back on dialysis. And my next appointment isn't till June, for the specialist.
But, as i found out during my disability hearing, since i have untreated depression i'm not eligible for a new kidney until i get treatment. But i wasn't getting treatment because i was disabled and it took forever to get approved so i could get insurance again. So now that i am worried my kidney is shot, i find out i won't be eligible right away for a new one. Yay life.
I haven't told my dad about the possible kidney troubles yet. I've barely told anyone, so i've been dealing with that concern alone.

My sister, the alcoholic, is still 'living' here. But it seems every other week she disappears on a bender now. Literally. Often times she drinks so much she ends up in detox and being hospitalized for a week. A month or so ago she tried to kill herself. Took 90 pills, walked out and sat and started talking with my dad normally then casually slipped in that she took 90s pills. She survived. Turns out people have taken more than double of the same pills and didn't die. Bad choice if you want to kill yourself haha.
I'm pretty emotionally distant, so i wasn't greatly personally affected. But my dad is deeply affected by all of this. It infuriates me. He spent years taking care of my mother, watching her get sicker till she died. Then he spent the first years i was here taking care of me and worrying constantly. Now he's always taking care of her. He's 86 and deserves a break from all this. He's been through a good bit in his life without having to spend all his time taking care of others. It really breaks my heart that he hasn't had a better life, like one he deserves.

It's been a year February since i last spoke with SillyChick. I still miss her. Not a day has gone by where she hasn't come to mind multiple times a day. Still many songs i can't go near because it would be too painful. It's still common to see or hear something and my first impulse is to share it with her, then remembering that's not possible.

Still feel the same spiritually. Though i've purposefully hidden it since my return. I am still spiritually homeless, having no place in 'the world' nor with God. Perhaps it's a numbness, in a spiritual sense. I'm not really sure. I'm traversing waters i've never visited, and i have no map or compass, or even direction.




In sorrow I speak your name
And my voice mirrors my torment

Thanks for the update.

I know from my wife's experience applying for disability that it's a long drawn out nightmare for those who are legitimately disabled but at the same time that process is a necessity to weed out (at least a percentage) the large number of fraudulent cases that a filed every day. It took 2.5 years for my wife to clear the nightmare only to find out that despite the fact that she is permanently disabled she only qualified for Medicare not monthly income payments.

You continue to be in my prayers.

Yes, and the Bible says to look up as you see the end getting near - not look down, look around, or even look inward, but look up.

But the Bible also says it's gonna get real stormy before the ship finally gets to port. We can look up and still be aware of the storm.

Sounded like banjo. My favorite is the dobro and can't reckon anybody's better than Jerry Douglas