Supporting your husband (who is a pastor)

Hi All,

In 36 days my fiance and I will be getting married - yay! I love him so much and we get along so well except that an issue has come up between us. Our last session pre-marital session is in a couple of weeks which will be a great opportunity to talk this through.

He's been struggling with confidence in his sermons and after talking to him for a few hours it's become apparent that he's seeking approval from me. The Church is not growing and about 3/4 times out of the month he tells me how be believe's God has so much more for him but his sermon's aren't being executed the way he believes they can be. I continue to pray that God will give him power, strength, and wisdom for ministry.

Every Saturday I listen to his sermon and he asks me what I think about it, then he asks again after Church on Sunday's. What I am struggling with is he believes I don't like his sermons and said to me that if he doesn't feel that I like it, it will ruin his confidence as a Pastor. The truth for me (and I have told him) is that certain sermons register with me and others don't as much - God speaks to me differently each week. I am a more reserved Christian while he is more outgoing (pentecostal like) therefore if I'm not super excited he thinks I'm negative.

He said he wants me to critique his sermons (tell him what I like and what I don't like) but it feels like so much pressure as he gets frustrated when I critique him and doesn't believe me when I say I like them. I don't want my opinion to be the factor that determines whether he thrives or crashes!

The main questions I have for current Pastor's wives is, how do you navigate analyzing your husband's sermons? Do you even think this is a good idea? How do you encourage him when he doesn't believe in himself?

Thank you <3

Maybe he needs to encourage himself in the LORD. That's what David did.

I'm not a Pastor's wife, but I'd tell him he's not an entertainer or playing to an audience per se. He should preach and teach whatever and where ever the Spirit leads him. He might be feeling inadequate because the church is not growing, but sermons can't always be uplifting and feel-good, sometimes people need a fire and brimstone message .. You might suggest putting a question and answer box in the church, where people can write down biblical questions of things they don't understand. People think Pastor's are boring when they don't learn anything, they want to be enlightened about things they don't understand or comprehend. When several people ask the same question, I'd imagine a sermon addressing those inquiries would be well received? i.e; Where did dinosaurs come from? Why does God let bad things happen to good people? Why did Jesus weep when he knew 2 days beforehand that Lazarus had died? When will Christ return? etc....... His sermons should not be judged on whether people liked it, but rather if anyone learned anything new... jmo

All young pastors, even ones whove preached a long time can be a nervous wrck about them and struggle with confidence.
One of the Churches I visit we are only like 7 people including pastor and wife.
He needs to start looking through spiritual eyes. Maybe God is testing his steadfastness or trying to grow with faith.
Preaching is a gift from God and it can only unfold itself by trusting in God and always again dying to yourself
He has to stop looking at himself and start looking up.

Just stay honest to him and remind him that its nor about numbers of people. Its about doing Gods work and that by the lead of the Holy Spirit. Confidence will most likely come in time

Oh yeah, congratulations!

Congratulations on your marriage that's coming up soon!
I'm not married to a Pastor ( or married at all lol) but I'll attempt at giving you my 2 cents.

I think you should tell him that it doesn't matter what you or anyone else thinks about his sermons. He needs to be led by the Spirit and if he is, then he will know what the Lord wants him to preach. When he gets up on the stage, it's time for the Holy Spirit to completely take over.

I used to go to a wonderful church that closed down a few years ago. The Pastor one Sunday had a sermon prepared...but as he got up to the pulpit he let the Spirit take over and he started talking about something entirely different. He told us all about this when the service was over. It was surprising and exciting how the Holy Spirit just took over the service.

Unfortunately, that church closed down years later. There were several reasons, but one of them was that the Pastor was focused too much on bringing in new people. This is a good thing, don't get me wrong. But the sheep he already had were not being taken care of (in my opinion). He focused on outreaches and giving to the community. Again, this is great. But I think he neglected the discipling part of his ministry. In other words, the sheep stopped growing. Eventually the whole church collapsed and he decided to quit being a Pastor.

This has been very heart breaking and difficult for me and my family (esp my mom) to overcome. This was our home church for a long time and we loved the congregation as family. It just hurts to know that our spiritual leader (the Pastor) abandoned us. He could have saved the church but he decided to start working so that his kids had money for college.

Anyways, I don't judge the Pastor. I understand that college is expensive and he wants to provide for his kids. But it was difficult to get through that. I just thought I would let you know what happened in my old congregation. Just know that your fiance is a Pastor and that's what he is supposed to do, be there for his sheep.

As his wife, encourage him and help him in any way you can. But also tell him that ultimately what matters most is what God thinks of his sermons. If he's led by the Spirit, he'll know he's doing right.

First of all Congrats!! There are a few things here I could point out. I'm not a pastors wife but my father is an evangelist and I spent 20yrs in ministry myself. So I see some things here that your future hubby needs to understand.My father has asked me and my mother what we think of a sermon, it's especially hard if a sermon doesn't seem to "land". But the thing is you may be speaking to only one person in that crowd. That sermon may just speak to and register to one person. God gave you that message for that reason and you may never know this side of heaven. I'm Pentecostal and I understand your future hubby is looking for a reaction but as I learned quickly in my travels not all people are like that. He has to understand this. We traveled in all denominations as a family. There were times we would minister our heart out and it fell flat. You feel so discouraged as you walk to the back of the church. And then people would come out and take your hand in tears and tell you how much you ministered to them. You cannot judge by people's reactions all people are different with different personalities.

Another point is your future hubby needs to know in his own heart that God is speaking to him and giving him a message for the people. Sometimes you're going to have to preach a sermon people don't want to hear. It may convict them and he has to know in his own heart God gave him that message. I remember years ago we ministered at a church. It was New Years and they were having food after. People were distracted, not paying attention, looking toward the kitchen with the smell of coffee pouring out. No one seemed to care about the message or the music. My father did most of the speaking but that night I just felt to speak. I took the mic and said "Folk we could attend any party or event in town tonight. The clubs are full,there are plenty of places to go other than here. But if we leave the way we came, if we see no change in our lives,if we leave with the same burdens why come at all? If we're just here for a party we could do that anywhere". Well as you can imagine that went over like a lead balloon and I felt we should just end it then and there. But instead we took a break. I'll never forget I was walking to the back of the church and my mother grabbed my arm and simply said "You have to come,she wants to speak to you". I followed and I saw women gathered and a woman was in the middle of them sobbing. Her husband had told her Christmas morning that he didn't love her anymore. He wanted a divorce. And also he had a young lover that he was moving into the home. His wife, devastated, said "I'm a stay at home mom! I don't know how to get a job or what to do!" She said that I had been speaking to her. Now no one in that church knew her situation until I spoke. The women of the church kept gathering,the food was forgotten and they prayed and cried with her. So that word was for one person. Your hubby needs to know he is hearing from God and he needs to give that word. Whether it falls flat or he gets a standing ovation.No one can tell him or encourage him enough. It's not about that. It's about knowing within yourself that God is giving you a message to give to the people. Hey, it may not hit them till the middle of next week. Hubby needs to understand he's just the messenger. Then it's up to the Holy Spirit to work and God to speak to each heart. That doesn't always take place in an hour sermon. We've had people come to us and say how much something that was said or sung spoke to them weeks,months, ever years later.

Lastly hubby needs to understand that growing a church doesn't happen overnight. Now you can have hype and entertainment and show and you'll get a big church full of empty people. We had that happen in a church we attended. It became a free for all and people were attending that weren't saved and didn't feel convicted about it. They were just there for the cool entertainment. So yes, you can have a huge church quickly if numbers are all you care about. But if you want a solid church, with deep and strong Christians committed to the Lord,that takes time. And you know what,sorry to say,many of those churches only have a handful of people. The church I attend has mainly older people, older than my parents. They are so faithful and they come rain,snow,shine. They don't stay home to watch the Super Bowl. They aren't away with kids in sports. They don't have a five piece band and worship leader that eggs them on for half an hour. They,horror of all horrors,sing from the hymn book!! They don't know any Hillsong music. But they love the Lord,they are faithful,they are deep Christians and they are so loving to all who visit there. So the question is,what type of church is hubby wanting and is he willing to wait and work for it? It takes outreach, it takes prayer, it takes work. Yes,you can support him and encourage him, but he has to work this out with the Lord. He's leaning too much on you. He's got to know that he knows God wants him in this place and he needs to believe it deep within himself. If he doesn't this may not be the time for him. Sorry for the long post. I hope it helps. Blessings sister.

Congratulations on the up coming marriage.
Ok... I have to be careful here because I am very anti entertainment preaching. I feel that if he is looking for a certain response to his words then he is more interested in an emotional response than conveying the message of God.
You may have to look him in the eye and sternly say, I am not God, don't preach to please me or anyone else! Preach to please God, or get a job in customer service.
Tell him that you live him and for his sake you will no longer be able to listen to his messages prior to the service in which they are delivered.
Tell him now be the husband, the head of the house, the priest of our home together. Be the man God called him to be , that's the man you want to marry.

OH I so agree with much of above. As a Pastor/ Teacher he should be TEACHING GODS word, feeding the Sheep. protecting them from the wild by his prayers.

If he is focussed on GREAT sermons he is not following what God wants him to be.

Congratulations!

All things happen in Gods timing. He should be led of the spirit and speak what God has given him. Be confident in God and trust Him. It's not about Him but God. He may not always know WHO the Word reached, touched or helped but God knows. Just speak what God has him say and don't add to or take away from it, be faithful with the few that he has and watch Gods hands move.

Isaiah 55:10-11 King James Version (KJV)
10 For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Matthew 25:23 King James Version (KJV)
23 His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.

I would pray to God to see how He would have you handle it. But wives should fully understand just how much husbands rely, need, and want support. May not completely fit the subject matter you are asking about, but wanted to find a thread to post this awesome video, and this thread may be it:

Egads. How old are you both do you mind me asking...I dont understand why you would be pastoring in this manner, it's not about pleasing you or the congregations ears its about pleasing God and saying what He wants you to say.

JEsus said the sheep listen to His voice, to another they will not listen, is you fiance hearing from God or is he just his own voice.

When we teach the Bible we are just saying what God has already said. But when he wants us to say it.
As long as hes not speaking too fast or in an unknown tongue without any interpeter, it will be fine!

Moses had aaron to speak when he had no confidence in his own voice. But even so, pray. When the holy spirit is working through us, he gives us utterance.

Some scripture to encourage you, look up Luke 12:12 and Luke 21:15

personally, I would be honored if my mate valued my advice and input -
I would certainly give it after heartfelf prayer...

always when one feels led to give a sermon or teach, one should
draw as near to God as they can, and this is where strength and wisdom
from your mouth will come from...

The contrary winds (Satan) will always come against the man of God. This is confirmation that he is a man of God and being used by God. Tell him to keep and maintain his Faith exclusively in Christ and the Cross, i.e., "The Finished Work," i.e., "The Blood of Jesus." This will allow the Holy Spirit to deliver him unto the death, burial, and resurrection in Christ and help him. The life of Christ is now being manifested through the power of the Holy Spirit bringing him victory, i.e., the "resurrection life."

Exodus 4:12
Now go! I will help you as you speak, and I will teach you what to say."