What Happens When Married People Suddenly Become Single? (Part 3.)

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#1
May 23, 2009
16,424
5,371
113
#1
Hey Everyone,

This will be the last part of the thoughts I've been wrestling with regarding the relationship between married vs. single people in the church.

As we've been discussing, the wisest thing most people can come up with is that single people should stay among their "single" groups (as if there ARE any in most churches these days), and married people should hang out with other married couples. I understand the thought behind this completely, and I'm not disagreeing with the common sense behind it.

* But what happens when married people suddenly find that they are single due to a divorce or the death of their spouse? If singles are to stay with singles, and marrieds are to stay with marrieds, what happens to these people who find themselves as being "disqualified" among the marrieds?

It might just be me (and I wish it was), but the thing I keep hearing over and over again is that once a Married Becomes a Single, they are immediately shut out from The Married Circle (many of whom they have known their entire lives), and are now seen as possibly dangerous threats because now they are Single and just might steal someone else's spouse.

I was 25 when my husband left, and understandably, a good number of people patted me on the head, told me I was just a baby with plenty of time to find someone (except for those who told me I was forbidden to marry ever again), and that I should see my single time as a blessing to serve others and get closer to the Lord.

I know they meant well, but I'm also pretty sure that not a single one of them (pardon the sarcasm) realized at the time that they all had a 50% chance of becoming single someday themselves. After 20 years, some of them have come into that time of walking in a single's shoes.

Whatever has happened in their lives, they are now, and sometimes without warning, finding themselves in the same position. When I hear about that happening, I often wonder if they remember the advice they gave to singles like me, and how that advice is now working out for them.

When a Married Suddenly Becomes a Single:

* Should singles automatically accept these people as part of their singles group (if there even is one)?

* Should the formerly married be immediately forced out of "The Married Group" (because this is what seems to happen)? If not, how could these people keep or maintain ties with their married friends?

* Where should the Formerly Married (whether divorced or widowed) seek out friends and a support group? Should they now become like the Singles, only hanging out with "their own kind"? (Divorced with divorced; widowed with widowed.) If so, I genuinely feel sorry for people in this position, because they might have a hard time finding anyone who might meet the qualifications they are now expected to follow.

What should the "rules" be as far as who is allowed to socialized and become close friends with whom when a formerly married person becomes single or widowed?
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#2
Jun 30, 2015
25,366
13,727
113
#2
Good thoughts, SS...
Following my thoughts in thread #2, if a regular member of a "marrieds" group becomes single (let's focus on 'by divorce'), that person is going to need healing. They should remain welcome in the group, but the group should not allow that person's situation to absorb all the attention (that will take some sensitivity on both parts).

I had recently changed churches when my marriage ended, and I had not really made good connections at the new church. So, I started going to a men-only small group that was starting. That worked for a couple of years, but once I got on my feet emotionally, I found it conflicted time-wise with other commitments. I'd like to be part of a small group, but involvement means an entire evening with a 40 minutes of commuting, so I haven't connected with another one. Most of the groups are officially "mixed", but many end up being just several married couples.

Honestly, I think most people, once married, forget what it's like to be single.
 
H

Hamarr

Guest
#3
#3
These are all really good topics. I forgot say that in the other two. I guess I sort of answered this question with a question in one of the other threads. I have sort of seen this happen via my mom in the Mormon church and it seemed like a crappy way to deal with things. I mean, she lost her circle of married friends and had to stick to hanging out with the single ladies. She also became a project of the church, which felt demeaning. Like when the ward needed a project, they could go over to the divorced ladies place to help out.

Outside of difficulty relating to each other's circumstance, it seems like it would be a good idea to encourage each other in either situation. Like you mentioned, there's not a lot of places specifically for singles anymore. The divorce rates in the church really aren't any better than society in general. There's a good chance a lot of married couples are going to be divorced at some point. I imagine when that social circle is pulled a lot of them just walk away from church? That would be demoralizing on top of everything else happening from a divorce. Then again, it often feels like so much of church culture is built around being married.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#4
May 23, 2009
16,424
5,371
113
#4
I should probably make another infamous disclaimer here in that these threads are revealing the condition of my own heart.

Over time, I've come to realize that some of the married people who tried to tell me what I needed to do in my single life are now in a similar place I was in 20 years ago, and that God may be calling me to try to reach out to some of them.

The first thing I told God in response was, "But God, they didn't even listen to me... AT ALL. They flooded me with passages, cliches, and generic statements without even caring or asking about my actual situation."

And I know God is telling me to set my own grudges aside (i.e., to get over them completely) and to try to serve these new, vulnerable singles with the grace and compassion I wished I'd had when I was going through the same thing.

The purpose of these threads is to try to gather information about what you all have seen and experienced in your own churches, and if there is a way to form a stronger bridge between people of all social dynamics, instead of widening the gap.
 
Didymous

Didymous

Senior Member
#5
Feb 22, 2018
5,047
2,101
113
#5
seoulsearch said:
Hey Everyone,

This will be the last part of the thoughts I've been wrestling with regarding the relationship between married vs. single people in the church.

As we've been discussing, the wisest thing most people can come up with is that single people should stay among their "single" groups (as if there ARE any in most churches these days), and married people should hang out with other married couples. I understand the thought behind this completely, and I'm not disagreeing with the common sense behind it.

* But what happens when married people suddenly find that they are single due to a divorce or the death of their spouse? If singles are to stay with singles, and marrieds are to stay with marrieds, what happens to these people who find themselves as being "disqualified" among the marrieds?

It might just be me (and I wish it was), but the thing I keep hearing over and over again is that once a Married Becomes a Single, they are immediately shut out from The Married Circle (many of whom they have known their entire lives), and are now seen as possibly dangerous threats because now they are Single and just might steal someone else's spouse.

I was 25 when my husband left, and understandably, a good number of people patted me on the head, told me I was just a baby with plenty of time to find someone (except for those who told me I was forbidden to marry ever again), and that I should see my single time as a blessing to serve others and get closer to the Lord.

I know they meant well, but I'm also pretty sure that not a single one of them (pardon the sarcasm) realized at the time that they all had a 50% chance of becoming single someday themselves. After 20 years, some of them have come into that time of walking in a single's shoes.

Whatever has happened in their lives, they are now, and sometimes without warning, finding themselves in the same position. When I hear about that happening, I often wonder if they remember the advice they gave to singles like me, and how that advice is now working out for them.

When a Married Suddenly Becomes a Single:

* Should singles automatically accept these people as part of their singles group (if there even is one)?

* Should the formerly married be immediately forced out of "The Married Group" (because this is what seems to happen)? If not, how could these people keep or maintain ties with their married friends?

* Where should the Formerly Married (whether divorced or widowed) seek out friends and a support group? Should they now become like the Singles, only hanging out with "their own kind"? (Divorced with divorced; widowed with widowed.) If so, I genuinely feel sorry for people in this position, because they might have a hard time finding anyone who might meet the qualifications they are now expected to follow.

What should the "rules" be as far as who is allowed to socialized and become close friends with whom when a formerly married person becomes single or widowed?
Click to expand...

I don't think singles and marrieds shouldn't socialize-just no secret stuff(both husband and wife should be present). In Ronnie Floyd's church, some married couples would take turns hosting dinners for the singles groups.
 
G

Gracie_14

Guest
#6
#6
*sighs* I've been staring at this page for as long as it can take trying to find something to post about. :(
Oh well...
 
Didymous

Didymous

Senior Member
#7
Feb 22, 2018
5,047
2,101
113
#7
Gracie_14 said:
*sighs* I've been staring at this page for as long as it can take trying to find something to post about. :(
Oh well...
Click to expand...
You're too little to post on these big people threads!
 
R

RodB65

Guest
#10
#10
But what happens when married people suddenly find that they are single due to a divorce or the death of their spouse? If singles are to stay with singles, and marrieds are to stay with marrieds, what happens to these people who find themselves as being "disqualified" among the marrieds?

Well, whether they meant to or not, I was basically shunned... And it's ok. I went on to find other friends and moved on with life. :)
 
Sonflower

Sonflower

Senior Member
#11
Jan 30, 2016
850
147
43
#11
First of all, I don't have a problem with singles and married hanging out as long as both married people are present or you are hanging out with the same sex. I have married girlfriends I hang with all the time. I, also, have married couples I hang out with. I'm in a small group full of them.

Secondly, there really isn't a network for people who have been through a divorce or loss of a spouse. There should be. When I became suddenly single it was very difficult because I suddenly became more available and had more alone time. It isn't that my married friends shunned me, they were just busy. That is why I started socializing on CC. I found a group of divorced/widowed/never married singles to hang with in my down time (which has become less and less as I've gone back to school). So, I guess CC was my solution. I think there should be better, more localized solutions. My church offers divorce care, which was great, but when it was done....I felt lost. I needed a group of friends like me but couldn't find them at church. It would have been nice to have an outlet in which to meet fellow church people like me.

Thirdly, I've realized that just like when I was married, making friends is hard and takes a lot of time. I think after we become adults it is just generally harder to find a network of friends, married or not. Over time I've started to find other women like me, unexpectedly, suddenly single.

I think it is important to tell suddenly single people 'time' is key. It takes time to heal. It takes time to make friends and you just can't rush either. It is important to be there when they need you. Be a friend. Be an encourager. We know better than anyone else what they need since we've been there. Now I feel like I'm rambling. That is a sign I should stop. ;)
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#12
Aug 13, 2014
27,183
9,265
113
#12
It is important to remember people do these things for reasons that they deem valid. They don't just shun single people because "you are not convenient to fit in with our new life together." They are doing what they can to guard what they have from what they see as threats. And those concerns are, from some perspectives, quite valid. There ARE older single people who would intentionally break up a marriage so they could get a spouse.

But it does hurt to be excluded, sometimes a lot, and it is important to have discussions like this thread. It's a lot easier to forgive somebody for hurting you if you understand why he did that, and you can't understand it until you think about it for a bit. It even makes the hurt a bit less when you can understand it.
 
Krumbeard

Krumbeard

Well-known member
#13
Apr 15, 2019
1,139
773
113
#13
seoulsearch said:
Hey Everyone,

This will be the last part of the thoughts I've been wrestling with regarding the relationship between married vs. single people in the church.

As we've been discussing, the wisest thing most people can come up with is that single people should stay among their "single" groups (as if there ARE any in most churches these days), and married people should hang out with other married couples. I understand the thought behind this completely, and I'm not disagreeing with the common sense behind it.

* But what happens when married people suddenly find that they are single due to a divorce or the death of their spouse? If singles are to stay with singles, and marrieds are to stay with marrieds, what happens to these people who find themselves as being "disqualified" among the marrieds?

It might just be me (and I wish it was), but the thing I keep hearing over and over again is that once a Married Becomes a Single, they are immediately shut out from The Married Circle (many of whom they have known their entire lives), and are now seen as possibly dangerous threats because now they are Single and just might steal someone else's spouse.

I was 25 when my husband left, and understandably, a good number of people patted me on the head, told me I was just a baby with plenty of time to find someone (except for those who told me I was forbidden to marry ever again), and that I should see my single time as a blessing to serve others and get closer to the Lord.

I know they meant well, but I'm also pretty sure that not a single one of them (pardon the sarcasm) realized at the time that they all had a 50% chance of becoming single someday themselves. After 20 years, some of them have come into that time of walking in a single's shoes.

Whatever has happened in their lives, they are now, and sometimes without warning, finding themselves in the same position. When I hear about that happening, I often wonder if they remember the advice they gave to singles like me, and how that advice is now working out for them.

When a Married Suddenly Becomes a Single:

* Should singles automatically accept these people as part of their singles group (if there even is one)?

* Should the formerly married be immediately forced out of "The Married Group" (because this is what seems to happen)? If not, how could these people keep or maintain ties with their married friends?

* Where should the Formerly Married (whether divorced or widowed) seek out friends and a support group? Should they now become like the Singles, only hanging out with "their own kind"? (Divorced with divorced; widowed with widowed.) If so, I genuinely feel sorry for people in this position, because they might have a hard time finding anyone who might meet the qualifications they are now expected to follow.

What should the "rules" be as far as who is allowed to socialized and become close friends with whom when a formerly married person becomes single or widowed?
Click to expand...
I was a married that became a single when my wife died. I cannot say that after that I felt excluded or pushed out of people's lives. Some of my friends I have known before marriage and others I became friends with because of my marriage to my wife. After her death I didn't lose friends. I started going to a new church and have made quite a few new friends with couples. As far as I know there is only one other single woman at the church that would be close to my age. We don't segregate.

I still go out with my married friends. One couple in particular has asked me to go on a cruise with them. I told them I would when I have someone to go along with me. It seemed to me like it would have been weird. But, this past spring I went to Texas with them for a couple of days. We had a nice time. We are going to be taking a day trip to NYC in a couple of months. Two summers ago the kids and I went on a vacation with this same couple and their daughter and another family.
 
Choosejoy

Choosejoy

Member
#14
May 28, 2019
28
25
13
#14
seoulsearch said:
Hey Everyone,

This will be the last part of the thoughts I've been wrestling with regarding the relationship between married vs. single people in the church.

As we've been discussing, the wisest thing most people can come up with is that single people should stay among their "single" groups (as if there ARE any in most churches these days), and married people should hang out with other married couples. I understand the thought behind this completely, and I'm not disagreeing with the common sense behind it.

* But what happens when married people suddenly find that they are single due to a divorce or the death of their spouse? If singles are to stay with singles, and marrieds are to stay with marrieds, what happens to these people who find themselves as being "disqualified" among the marrieds?

It might just be me (and I wish it was), but the thing I keep hearing over and over again is that once a Married Becomes a Single, they are immediately shut out from The Married Circle (many of whom they have known their entire lives), and are now seen as possibly dangerous threats because now they are Single and just might steal someone else's spouse.

I was 25 when my husband left, and understandably, a good number of people patted me on the head, told me I was just a baby with plenty of time to find someone (except for those who told me I was forbidden to marry ever again), and that I should see my single time as a blessing to serve others and get closer to the Lord.

I know they meant well, but I'm also pretty sure that not a single one of them (pardon the sarcasm) realized at the time that they all had a 50% chance of becoming single someday themselves. After 20 years, some of them have come into that time of walking in a single's shoes.

Whatever has happened in their lives, they are now, and sometimes without warning, finding themselves in the same position. When I hear about that happening, I often wonder if they remember the advice they gave to singles like me, and how that advice is now working out for them.

When a Married Suddenly Becomes a Single:

* Should singles automatically accept these people as part of their singles group (if there even is one)?

* Should the formerly married be immediately forced out of "The Married Group" (because this is what seems to happen)? If not, how could these people keep or maintain ties with their married friends?

* Where should the Formerly Married (whether divorced or widowed) seek out friends and a support group? Should they now become like the Singles, only hanging out with "their own kind"? (Divorced with divorced; widowed with widowed.) If so, I genuinely feel sorry for people in this position, because they might have a hard time finding anyone who might meet the qualifications they are now expected to follow.

What should the "rules" be as far as who is allowed to socialized and become close friends with whom when a formerly married person becomes single or widowed?
Click to expand...
Im just now learning that there is this division. When married I didnt not see it or personally exclude one or the other I had close friends in all areas. Though boundries in place in all relatiohships also. I knew there was some of these cliques but no idea the extent of it u til now here I am separated after 20 yrs and technically single. I think that all you mention is true. However I dont think we shoudl be feeding any segregation amongst believers. Healthy bounries allows is to befriend all people and love all people within a healthy relationship with them. I do though do agree that married men and married woman should very much limit and some completely avoid one on one relatio ships with the opisite sex married or singles and a intamite bond between them should not happen. But thats a different thred lol! Thats my tid bit on this great insight! Thanks
 
You must log in or register to reply here.