Why do you want to get married?

So this is the singles forum...I think that most of us on here wouldn't mind getting married. Some of us may even dream about it often.
Anyways, I was thinking about the reasons I want to get married. Some of them are: I want to have a family, I don't want to feel so lonely, I want a best friend I could do things with etc.

But all this got me thinking about something big. What if I do get married and we can't have children? What if I still feel lonely after marriage? What if he doesn't like doing the things I do and I continue doing them by myself?
One of the biggest reasons I think I would want marriage is because of the affirmation. I know that sounds silly but I crave it. I want affirmation to know that I'm desirable, that I'm worthy, or that I have good things to offer a spouse.

So I started digging deeper and I realized that this affirmation I crave so much can only come from Jesus. A man cannot give it to me. I am so needy lol and only God can put up with me in my extreme neediness!
As I moved from one idea to the next I came up with a conclusion. Marriage is not for me to feel good or depend on a human man to give me what I need. It's about glorifying God. God will put us through whatever we need, trials or seasons of blessings, to make us into the people he wants and needs for his Kingdom.

What I'm trying to say is that...I have noticed a lot of people on here and in person that feel lonely. They want to get married and they want a family. The thing is that even if you get married, you might not get those things that you want so much. Like I said earlier...what if you marry a man/woman that is emotionally withdrawn and he/she makes you feel even more lonely? It could very well happen. But it would also present an opportunity to glorify God by staying in that marriage and trying to work it out for the rest of your life.
This sounds like a reddit rant lol but my point is basically this...most of us here want to get married...but have we stopped to think about what marriage entails? Just like everything else in life...marriage is not about you or me or any of us. It's about God and glorifying him through that union. Think about and share the reasons you want to get married. Then pray about those reasons. Are they things that only a spouse can offer...or can God fulfill those needs for you?

This reminds me of a conversation I had one day at w*rk. (That's a four letter word you know, that W word...) This one manager found out I had never been married or even so much as been on a date in all of my forty years of life. She has been married three times and is currently divorced and dating a guy. She seemed to find my position incomprehensible, and UGH she just would not leave it alone! The ensuing conversation went something like this:

HER: You really have never been on a date?
ME: Nope.
HER: Why not?
ME: Haven't found a woman I want to date. Probably mostly because I haven't been looking.
HER: Why haven't you been looking?
ME: Uh... because marriage is not something I have to check off on a list of "Things to accomplish in life." If I do meet a girl and get married, great! If I don't, I still have a life to live and I'm enjoying most of it... this conversation excluded, of course.
HER: You want to get old alone and be lonely?
ME: What's so scary about being alone? I'm not afraid of it.
HER: But don't you ever want to get married?
ME: No, because I don't know a woman who I want to marry. Now if I happen to meet some nice lady, we hit it off, start dating and realize we really like each other, this answer will change and yes, I will at that time want to get married. But just getting married for the sake of being married, because I desperately want to avoid being alone... no I do not want to get married right now.

Poor girl never really did seem to comprehend it. Probably why she's busy trying to set up a fourth marriage.

So many people search so very hard for somebody because "I can't be alone!" WHY NOT?! What is so terrible about you that you can't stand being by yourself with yourself?

Speaking of w*rk, that's a good cure for loneliness. Sure sometimes it would be nice to be married - to the right lady - but at w*rk there are so many women that are very good examples of people I would not want to be tied down to. Some days at w*rk I am saying thank you Lord I am single! I only have to deal with this junk here on the time clock, and then I can go home and get away from it!

Because as life goes on, I recognize that without someone who has the ability to make me strive to grow in all aspects, I will succumb to the desire to be lazy and look for desires of the flesh to satisfy what I am missing.

I believe when marriage is right, it has the ability to make both involved, strive to be their best.

So I can be fruitful and multiple and conquer the world.

If that ain't a good reason to get married, I don't know what it is.

I was just waiting for someone to say "because fornication is a sin." Lol

Really, the only reason to be married. So one of my co-workers will stop hinting that I might be gay. 😛

Very much this. I found one of my co-workers in particular a good barometer for how well I am doing mentally. If she seems appealing, I am focused on the superficial or feeling needy. When I am in a better mindset, I thank God I am not involved with someone like that.

Dang nab it. Pippy beat me to it.

I wanted to eventually post that... If most people are honest, they want to get married because they want a Biblical way to have sex. Now I'm certainly NOT IN ANYWAY saying that marriage should be all about sex or that sex makes a marriage. I certainly wouldn't want to marry anyone who made me feel like his official Biblical way of having sex without going to hell. But I'm also saying that if people knew they would be getting married and STILL wouldn't be able to have sex, most people probably wouldn't get married.

I understand that people want to get married for companionship and someone to share their life with. But the honest truth is, I grew up in churches all my life, and maybe it's an exception, but I don't know very many happily married people.

And I keep reading more and more about thing things that couple go through together (sickness, Alzheimer's, etc.) in which that sense of loving closeness, companionship, and sharing your life with another person is completely lost--sometimes for the remaining duration of the marriage--and it seems to be happening at younger and younger ages.

I've read several stories about people whose spouses had Alzheimer's and still lived for decades--meaning they were full-time caretakers for people who would often scream when they even came near them because they didn't recognize who they were.

A spouse who doesn't remember who you are, quite frankly, isn't going to want to have sex with you. So for all of us singles who contemplate that we can't Biblically have sex... We also have to contemplate an even more difficult situation--what if we got married and it got to a point where we STILL couldn't have sex--for the rest of our lives.

Some of the healthy spouses wound up having affairs with other people, such as the person they hired to help them take care of their spouse. Understandably, they couldn't bear the thought of living without a loving, mutual and sexual connection with another human being for the rest of their lives. I'm not saying it's right--I'm just saying, I feel terrible for people caught in this situation, and wonder what I would do if trapped in the same place.

More and more, I have often wondered if we are all taught the wrong view of marriage, even within the church, because I wonder if God is trying to tell us that marriage is more about serving another person--no matter what happens--rather than worrying about having our own needs met.

And I am often left wondering what that balance is, and if there is one... and if I would be able to achieve it successfully in a marriage.

Very much this. This is a lot of the reason for my hesitation around dating even. I know way too many people around me that have gone through messy divorces, starting with my own parents. When I went back to visit my dad when I was 12. He admitted to me how unhappy he was with my step-mom, but was too afraid to divorce her because she would take him to the cleaners in divorce court.

Most of my Christian friends are on their second or third marriage, even. The one that I know that isn’t is basically two people that married each other because they were hot. I don’t think they anything else in common and were constantly fighting. It makes picking the right person that much more important to me. The physical reasons do have their appeal, though. 😛

My grandparents on my mom’s side was the longest lasting relationship I knew about. He was abusive and she took a lot of medication to deal with him. That medication helped deteriate and her mind and she got Alzheimer’s in her early 60s. She was still alive up until close to 90, I believe. My grandpa couldn’t deal with her and put her in a home once she turned about 70. I never actually knew her pre - Alzheimer’s.

we gotta remember that whatever unresolved issues we have as singles, we will take with us in marriage.

some days, i struggle with keeping a healthy self esteem. most days, i'm doing ok, but i still have my moments although my husband continuously compliments me and tells me he loves me. i totally believe the words he says to me. i hear in his voice how genuine he is. but i am aware he can't heal my self esteem. the Holy Spirit reminds me that the Lord is the One who heals.

There seems to be some negativity regarding marriage...how unfortunate! Marriage is a wonderful thing, something to strive for. I really dislike the way many Christians try to say that their neediness for marriage is somehow a reflection of their insecurities, that a man/woman can't meet their needs only God can, etc. I don't think any of that is true at all. To me, saying these things is a way to make people feel better about their singleness. If you don't want to be single and you are, it hurts. It can be really frustrating. Personally, I just accept it instead of making excuses or trying to put a bandaid on it. As humans, we do need love and companionship in our lives from other humans. It is a necessity. We flourish when we are loved by another person. And we flourish when we love others. Marriage is an ideal situation to learn to intimately love and forgive. To love another imperfect person and forgive them for their mistakes is an amazing thing to learn in life, and the best way to accomplish it is through marriage and family.

I think the reason many people are unhappy and divorce rates are high is because they don't understand marriage, value it, and a very large part is due to society. Society is constantly sexualizing both men and women and telling us what we need to be happy. We are influenced by it even when we don't realize it. Many married people think they should always feel "in love" (which is not realistic) and often lust after others and feel like the grass is greener on the other side. People go into marriages with very unrealistic expectations. This is in part due to movies, music, and societal presentations of couples "in love." Love is actually a choice. Personally, I don't really like the "in love" feeling and I think it's often actually lust not love many couples are experiencing. And when that feeling fades, and it will, they think they no longer love the person (and if it was just lust, they probably never really did to begin with) and want a divorce. This is all coming from someone that has been married and have dated many people since as well.

I'm 100% honest with myself. I very much want to get married. I don't believe that person is going to randomly show up on my door step, so I do look - mostly online dating. I am far less concerned with physical attributes than I am with compatibility. Is the person a Christian and a godly person? Are they responsible (i.e. work, etc)? Do they have strong morals and values that align with mine? And not to get political, but I only date conservative men. I bring up things like faith and politics right away because I don't want to waste my time on anyone that I am not compatible with.

Unfortunately, the problem I run into over and over again is people placing immense worth on attraction and lust, wanting to hook up, date for years before marriage (I personally think once you meet someone you are compatible with, dating shouldn't last more than year - it just increases the chances of falling prey to sexual temptations to wait any longer) etc. Dating today is ridiculous and makes it very hard for many people to find someone to marry.

I'm pretty much the only single person in my family. All my siblings and cousins are either married or engaged...and the ones that aren't married are all co-habitating and having children out of wedlock. This is pretty much, from what I've experienced, what every single man seems to want, Christian or otherwise. The fear of marriage in today's world is very disturbing to me. And even though I want to be married, I am okay with being single if it means I'm spared from all this rampant sexual sin going on in today's world.

I've done a lot of research on love and marriage and have read a lot of articles about married couples that have never been divorced. Many, many older married people said they married the person they were compatible with, not the person that got them sexually excited and that they lusted after. Of course they are attracted to their spouse too, but they were wise enough to not fall for lust, which is a very powerful feeling and motivator, and choose someone that may not the be hottest person but who was compatible with them. And according to these people they are genuinely happily married.

I went to a singles group at the church I used to attend about a year ago. We sat around tables and were given discussion topics and one of the topics was "Do you need to be in love to marry someone." I said absolutely not. There was another divorced person at the table who agreed with me, and of course the man that had never been married said that he would need to feel "in love" to marry someone. Looking for that feeling when searching for a spouse is not wise. It's great if you happen to find it, but marriage is about compatibility and being equally yoked in Christ, and when you're committed to your spouse and you're serving one another love will come, and it will be a real, genuine love, not misleading lust.

Anyways, that's my two-cents. Singleness is an epidemic and divorce are high today due to unrealistic expectations, marrying of the wrong reason, and lack of compatibility. I also think pre-marital sex increases divorce rates, but I'll leave it at that for now.

Absolutely - knowing this is more important, to certain extent, than knowing why you want to get married. Any and all unresolved issues as single don't disappear magically when you get married but rather they get amplified (and you can't hide them from your spouse since you are living with him/her).

First, your post did make me to think about where I am with marriage and had to revisit the reason why I want to get married - thought it was insightful and informative as well. However, if I may, I "disagree" with couple points you made.

1. "Love is actually a choice. Personally, I don't really like the "in love" feeling and I think it's often actually lust not love many couples are experiencing."

While I agree that love is actually a choice, a conscious personal choice, I don't agree the way having this "in love" feeling gets downplayed as if it's wrong. There IS problem when you base your decision to get married solely or substantially on this 'in love' feeling. However, we ARE designed and created by God to have that kind of feeling. The passage I go to often as single, Proverbs 5:19 says "be intoxicated always in her love." (other versions use 'mesmerized,' 'infatuated'). I believe when you are with that person, one that God has provided for you, and you are simply mesmerized, infatuated, and intoxicated by her love (which includes "lust," having sexual attraction not just based on her physical beauty but more importantly and conclusively for what and who she is - a godly woman whose heart is rooted in Christ and has her eyes on the things above - therefore, I can't help but to be in love with her). Yes, I agree that this "in love" feeling will fade IF lot of the attraction before marriage was based on physical or worldly attraction. However, I don't believe that feeling is just something that lasts briefly once you get married kind of thing. Rather, with conscious choice to love each other in play, that "in love" should there all the time. Why? Because the marriage that honors God where husband and wife love each other unconditionally, then the 'in love' should be there as natural byproduct, which fake 'in love' is incapable of replicating.

2. "I don't believe that person is going to randomly show up on my door step, so I do look..."

I do believe that person is going to "randomly" show up on my door step. I do. I don't literally believe the person I've been looking for to show up on my door step one day, and yes, I do look for potential spouse on my end as well. However, ultimately, I believe God will provide one one day "randomly," out of blue one day because simply I've been walking with God (I am not implying you are single because you have not been right with God). Rebekah showed up randomly for Isaac, Jacob showed up randomly for Rachel. And from my personal experience, my success rate (sort to speak) of finding someone while I was actively seeking vs. things randomly happening when least expected does prove (at least personally and on my end) that people DO randomly show up. It is INCONCEIVABLE to me that my heavenly Dad, who loves me beyond my comprehension, will say later, "Well, my son, you screwed up because you didn't actively seek for mate - yeah yeah, I wanted to and did have one for you but you just didn't seek hard enough - sorry my son." Not a chance. He loves me too much and that is my confidence. (and if I end up dying single, so be it ha!)


Your post was, again, insightful, and made me thinking about marriage - and just wanted to add my two-cents.

I certainly appreciate what you are saying. I'm not saying feeling "in love" in wrong, but it can be misleading. I just say this from personal experience. Every time I've felt that feeling it was for men that I was not compatible with, but got some kind of intense feeling with and I thought it meant something. Sadly, every time I've dated a genuinely kind, godly Christian man I have not had the feeling. I'll admit I'm one of those women that likes "bad boys"...or did. I've grown out of that thankfully. Now, I believe if I had actually given these good Christian man an honest chance instead of dismissing them early on because I didn't feel "in love" I may have been surprised to find that I was able to fall in love with them and have a healthy relationship. But I just didn't get it back then. I was looking for all the wrong things. I got pregnant shortly after my divorce and was single the entire pregnancy until the very end when I dated a very godly man I met online. He was the sweetest, most caring guy I've ever met. He was very good to me and my son after he was born. He also wanted to wait till marriage which was really awesome and so hard to find these days. He was dead set on marrying me and was completely committed. Anyways, about 3 months in I wasn't feeling "in love" so I broke up with him. Big, big mistake on my part. Less than a year later he married someone else. So I no longer look to date people who give me all the butterflies and "in love" feeling. I feel like when I meet the right person that I am compatible with love will come whether it's heady right for the start or not. I would not hesitate to marry a good man that I wasn't feeling "in love" with because I think loves comes when you serve and chose to love one another. I also read an article once about a Christian woman who only dated men of certain "type." She was attracted to particular physical attributes and just didn't date outside of what excited her. Well, she had a very close guy friend who liked her, but she wasn't attracted to him so she kept turning down his advances. Finally she woke up and realized what a good guy he is and now they are happily married with a family and she loves him dearly! Compatibility is the number one reason to marry someone, I'm convinced of that. It's a fairytale to think that when you meet the right person you just know and it's an instantaneous thing and everything just aligns perfectly and you're in love forever.

And I agree with your second thoughts as well to an extent. I don't really believe there are soul mates or that God has one specific person in mind for us. We have free will, so we make the choice on who we marry. However, the relationship should absolutely have God's approval and be within the standards of a Christian marriage (i.e. equally yoked, etc). We don't have to necessary look, but certainly be open. I think God probably sends a few good potential spouses our way in life. He has for me. Especially that guy I mentioned earlier that I dated. I really do think God was presenting me a potential husband at the time, but I very foolish. I don't think I'm single because God wants me to be single. I think I'm single because in my past I have often went against God's word in my dating relationships and therefore missed the calling and blessing that God wanted for me. But no longer. So I am hopeful I will find someone, whether it's because I am looking or I unexpectedly meet someone who knows...but God will send someone along, I'm certain of that. I also think there are a lot of single Christians because they aren't open, they are not keeping their eyes peeled for a potential spouse. I used to know a woman that wanted to be married so badly...we used to pray for her at church all the time. But she never went on any dates. Never looked. Nothing. She just thought her husband would appear one day with no effort or paying attention on her part. Well, she is still single. That was over 10 years ago that we used to pray for her. I don't think God was keeping her single to torture her. She probably had suitors but maybe she was too picky or didn't notice. I don't know. We should absolutely put our dating lives in God's hands and trust Him, but we need to be open to what God might be leading us to.

Never really thought about it , good question.

It is certainly hard to argue with your rationalization...
Regarding the self reflection for striking that right balance and commitment - I suspect that ultimately, that boils down to being able to find that 'unconditional love' and compassion. I believe that compassion and affection can occur on so many levels without the intimate act of intercourse. I suspect that once the feeling of unconditional love and commitment is made - we are ultimately able to selflessly commit ourselves to be their for our partner in their time of need - knowing that they would do the same for us.

The scenario that you describe reminds me of "The Notebook" ... and wow, what a powerful ending right... We are left to understand that they have both transitioned into the next life together - as a result of their unconditional love and commitment for each other... I suspect that it is that type of compassion - for those ever so in frequent glimpses of hope and recollection of their mutual love that allowed him the resolve and contentment to stay the course.

I suspect that the key is to continue to be thankful for our blessings, and continue to pray for his mercy, grace and forgiveness...

I have to make a confession...

I have never seen "The Notebook".

I'm generally not one for "chick flicks" and it was one of those movies that absolutely everyone was talking about, so as a strange sort of social rebellion, I've just never watched it.

However, after reading your post... I may just have to reconsider.

On the topic of being married in the future:
While this 26 year marriage (+2 years of separation) is eminently destined to run its course sometime this year - I find myself at a crossroads where I am honestly conflicted.

I never saw myself growing old alone - that was never part of my master plan... But it was never my master plan to begin with - it is HIS.

While I am uncertain if my walk with HIM will take me on a journey to remain single and pursue HIM; or to remain single with a life-partner; if I am being honest - I'm a tad bit gun-shy about the concept of marriage - after being snake-bit once...

That being said - I am receptive to the potential that one day a rather savvy woman just might find the determination to sweep me off of my feet, in such a way to win my heart and soul. If such a woman were ever to win my heart - I would most likely be susceptible to her influence and an undeniable desire to please her. As such if it was her desire to convince me to marry her - I suspect that I would be inclined to want to make her feel so spectacularly special that I would be inclined to marry her...

My confliction:
Alternatively, I am also open to the life-partner (commitment) alternative as an interim solution with the following stipulation/understanding/clarification:
What if she is in need of being saved?
While it is not my intention to seduce, request, manipulate or coerce any future woman (life-partner) to lay with me for the sole purpose of intimacy - it is my hope and prayer to have the restraint to resist such temptation.
However, if a woman of her own fruition and sound mind decides that her love/our love is true and that it is her desire to give herself in a manner to demonstrate her love for me for the purpose of imprinting her heart and soul upon mine... well at that point - I will be in dire need of massive group prayers to give me strength to wrestle thru my anticipated confliction...

I am of the mind that the world is not always black and white - absolutes are the exception not the rule - thus, there is an awful lot of grey area out there... and the world is only getting merkier...

Am I wrong, too practical or too impractical?