I strayed far away from God and I shouldn't really question why all of this is happening I feel like maybe or I believe this is all happening for everything I have done and hurt in my life I want to tell the whole story and hopefully get someone out there who has experienced the same thing and knows what I'm going through. Safe to say I'm a bad person, straight out of turning 18 I got a job at a store working with a family friend, got promoted a few months in, working there was a lot of new experiences everyday, meeting and dealing with new people . we worked in a small town where I knew no one and no one really knew of me. I remember everyone asking who I was, where I was from all that, I was asked out a lot and a lot if guys would go in and flirt all the time.. idk where I was going with that but Ifelt I needed to add to that only because they would always ask me out but I always declined, until one day a guy that lived there in the small town took interest in me, I was not really interested in talking to him or going out with him from the start the only thing is he was very persistent, he would go into the store everyday, bring me gifts until I finally felt bad and gave him a chance, this guy was a sweet heart at first... but very pushy.. he started claiming to me and everyone else that I was his girlfriend almost two weeks of us talking...mind you he was my first at everything really, first date, first guy I got to hang out with, my first kiss and everything else.one thing for sure I regret the relationship all together. he was 25 and I 18.. it lasted for 9 months until I ended things in the most ugly way... He was a really good, sweet, caring guy. I know he really loved me. I can remember for the first 3-4 months were really good, I mean he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend he wanted to see and be with me almost everyday and any free time I had..i got annoyed with it, I got annoyed with him having to know where I was, who I was with, and why I was doing what ever I was doing. I hated how any mistake I made I was put down for and anything we do his way was always going to be the right way or the answer. I hated how he had gotten so much into my head that he was the answer for everything. I realized after these few months I did not want to be with him, I did not like the way he was treating me, I did not like the person he was really starting to show me. More than anything I was really unhappy in the relationship, i tried talking to him about it but again he knew the right way and the correct way and I knew nothing so he never listened. I tried more than a few times leaving him and breaking up with him, he used my past and my childhood as a excuse that he was the one to heal my hurt and take care of me and not hurt me because everyone else was going to. He knew all about me and the things that had happened or I had done and threw them in my face anytime we would argue. . I tried to leave him, break up with him and I even asked if we could just have a break just so I could have some time to myself and that was a big no, I gave into to him and his words and knew there was no point in trying that he was not going to let it happen. after about the 6th month I just felt really trapped and unhappy.. after while I started doing something really bad, as I had said before a lot of men would go by the store and flirt and talk with me, after awhile I started giving in... While I was in a relationship with this man I was also talking/ flirting with other guys through text messages or in person there at the store I worked for. I know its horrible, I felt bad for doing it sometimes, but then we would argue or he would start with his possessiveness and the way I would escape is talking with other guys, I know it's cheating.. I never went out with any of these guys or did anything with them. one of the crazy things is I did not mind getting caught, I even threw it in his face a lot of times what I was doing hoping he would get mad at me and leave me but that never happened. this went on for the last 9 months but for the last months I had stopped talking to everyone completely, he did not want me having guys that were friends or talking to any guys anymore and idk why but I listened to him.. It was back to listening to him and what he wanted us to do... during our ninth month going on our 10th I met a guy one night as I had just gotten done running and going to get water at the gas station.. I dont know what it was about him but something in me just I dont even know... I had never felt it before... He came up to me introduced himself we talked for a bit and then exchanged numbers we texted for a whole day then I realized again how wrong it was and told him I had a boyfriend. he understood, said he respected that and we agreed just to talk as friends. during this last month i was leaving my old job and going to start working for a sheriff department in my city as a 911 dispatcher, my ex was not supportive of it at all, he told me that he did not think it was a good idea working there, it was our most recent constant argument. I had this guy that I was talking to and I had let him know the knew job I was going to start and he was so happy and proud of me, that's all I had wanted from someone... me and this guys started talking a lot more, we would even see each other in person at times and talk.. I let him know everything that was going on with my ex and our relationship he told me it was really unhealthy and I needed to get out. i dont know what exactly it was but i finally just got the courage to leave him, I kind of told him off I told him we were done there was no talking over or fixing anything, I told him I was really unhappy with him and the way he treated me.. he kind of went crazy after that, he said he knew I was leaving him for someone else... Which was kind of true ...it was a struggle leaving him, he would go to my work or my house and try and talk to me, he would call and text … during this time yes I did start talking and got into a relationship with this other guy, I know it was wrong but he made me so happy, I fell so in love with this other guy I wanted all of my time with him I loved him so much I wanted to give him everything.. IDK how or why but I could actually imagine a future with this guy, having kids, getting married , and he even said he felt the same and he did show it...for awhile .. e started having a lot of problems, we drove each other crazy, but when we were good things were amazing, he finally left me and ended things, on top of losing him I lost my job, I lost some close friends, I want to say that I also lost ,myself but I feel like I never quite had a grasp of who I really was... out of losing everything my biggest I feel my biggest lost was him, it's been about 3 weeks almost a month and he is on my mind almost 24/7, my heart hurts, i cant forget him for nothing and i hate it. I feel like this is my karma, I do believe I am a bad person and I have hurt and done a lot of bad stuff it's just I dont know.... I really dont know why I came to this forum, I have not talked to anyone about this with anyone.. I just want so badly to disappear and just wish all of this hurting would stop..
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