God has been speaking some truths into my heart this past week or so. I hit a real downer mid-week and have been stewing over some stuff these past few days. God can say a lot in a few days. If I'm just willing to listen!
My main anxiety has been coming from the fact that I'm still single and fast approaching the 30 mark. Logically, I know it's no big deal, but for some reason emotionally this past week it has been turmoil for me suddenly. I understand that we are made for connection, but this comes in all forms, not always romantic. I am so blessed with good people in my life, and a church family that has welcomed me into what truly feels like home. If I never meet someone and get married, I will be okay. I can find so much fulfillment in life outside of a romantic relationship. I have been blessed with love in the past, three times now I have found myself in love and loved in return and this is so special in itself. If I never experience it again, well that is God's will and I can live with that. I believe God has a beautiful plan for my life, and it may look completely different to anything I would plan for myself, but it will be the best plan possible for my life.
What God has really been speaking into my heart this week is that I can never love in a healthy way if I don't first love myself. I certainly am not in a place with myself where I can say I love myself, or even like myself sometimes. I believe this is a big barrier to any relationship blossoming in my life, and it is something I need to address. If I don't learn to love myself and who God made me to be, then any relationship is doomed to struggle and fail. In my past experiences, insecurity and jealousy have always wormed their way in eventually, causing serious strain. When I don't love myself, I look to others to fill that void and do it for me. This will never work. I find it really hard to actually believe and rest in the knowledge that God loves me as deeply as He does. I sing the songs, read the books, search the Bible, hear my pastors speak it... And yet, I struggle to actually know it as true in my heart. For some reason I can't seem to get my head around the fact that God loves me enough to give me everything through His Son, to forgive all of my mistakes, to look past all of my flaws, and to love me madly despite it all. I feel so unworthy, and I know that is the whole point of grace, but I can't compute this most of the time. I can't believe I have a love like this. The song "Love Like This" by Lauren Diagle sums it up pretty perfectly.
Another big barrier for me personally is where I place God in my life. Is He at the front, my first and foremost? No, He isn't. So many things get in the way - because I allow them to - and put distance between God and I. So many distractions, so many fears I refuse to confront and bring to Him. The things I try to battle on my own. If I was to meet someone now, I would put them before God in a heartbeat. It's painful to admit, and I feel ashamed that I would put someone before the One who knows me and loves me most. It's where my heart is at, and I need to address this too. Until I am in a place where I love God enough to put Him before anyone and only draw closer to Him with my partner, I am not ready to fall in love again.
These are all things I am bringing before God and committing to work on. My goal now is to grow as a person and grow closer to Him, and to learn to accept His profound love and begin to love myself too. I want to experience life in all it's fullness, as God intended, and not let something like being single hinder this!
My main anxiety has been coming from the fact that I'm still single and fast approaching the 30 mark. Logically, I know it's no big deal, but for some reason emotionally this past week it has been turmoil for me suddenly. I understand that we are made for connection, but this comes in all forms, not always romantic. I am so blessed with good people in my life, and a church family that has welcomed me into what truly feels like home. If I never meet someone and get married, I will be okay. I can find so much fulfillment in life outside of a romantic relationship. I have been blessed with love in the past, three times now I have found myself in love and loved in return and this is so special in itself. If I never experience it again, well that is God's will and I can live with that. I believe God has a beautiful plan for my life, and it may look completely different to anything I would plan for myself, but it will be the best plan possible for my life.
What God has really been speaking into my heart this week is that I can never love in a healthy way if I don't first love myself. I certainly am not in a place with myself where I can say I love myself, or even like myself sometimes. I believe this is a big barrier to any relationship blossoming in my life, and it is something I need to address. If I don't learn to love myself and who God made me to be, then any relationship is doomed to struggle and fail. In my past experiences, insecurity and jealousy have always wormed their way in eventually, causing serious strain. When I don't love myself, I look to others to fill that void and do it for me. This will never work. I find it really hard to actually believe and rest in the knowledge that God loves me as deeply as He does. I sing the songs, read the books, search the Bible, hear my pastors speak it... And yet, I struggle to actually know it as true in my heart. For some reason I can't seem to get my head around the fact that God loves me enough to give me everything through His Son, to forgive all of my mistakes, to look past all of my flaws, and to love me madly despite it all. I feel so unworthy, and I know that is the whole point of grace, but I can't compute this most of the time. I can't believe I have a love like this. The song "Love Like This" by Lauren Diagle sums it up pretty perfectly.
Another big barrier for me personally is where I place God in my life. Is He at the front, my first and foremost? No, He isn't. So many things get in the way - because I allow them to - and put distance between God and I. So many distractions, so many fears I refuse to confront and bring to Him. The things I try to battle on my own. If I was to meet someone now, I would put them before God in a heartbeat. It's painful to admit, and I feel ashamed that I would put someone before the One who knows me and loves me most. It's where my heart is at, and I need to address this too. Until I am in a place where I love God enough to put Him before anyone and only draw closer to Him with my partner, I am not ready to fall in love again.
These are all things I am bringing before God and committing to work on. My goal now is to grow as a person and grow closer to Him, and to learn to accept His profound love and begin to love myself too. I want to experience life in all it's fullness, as God intended, and not let something like being single hinder this!
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