Toxic Friendships

I am the type of person that likes to please everyone and usually suffers because of it. There have been people in my life that I consider friends and I try to treat them nicely. I pray for them and be a good friend to them. I try making sure that when they need to talk to me, I listen and give them good, thoughtful advice. The problem is that many of these people are toxic. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to them anymore.

Here are some examples of what I am talking about
One girl at work who is always gossiping and bad mouthing everyone else in the office
A young man that has shown interest and I often have to tell him over and over that I don't see him that way
A woman from an organization I volunteer at who is extremely negative about life and people (esp men)

Now, these people are people I have gotten along with in the past. I know deep inside they are good people. But seasons change and these certain people are becoming more and more toxic by the minute! What is a girl to do? Should I just ignore them and move on from these friendships? Or should I just keep a distance?
Like basically, I'm wondering as Christians should we be there for people who don't bring happiness and peace into our lives? I know the Bible says we are to serve one another and lay down our lives for our friends...but there's only so much I can take!

Have you ever struggled with toxic friendships? What did you do about them?

It may be best to limit exposure to those you consider toxic to small doses or they may drain the joy from your heart.

Being extra nice to the guy is only going to end up leading him on, you probably do need to cut him off as much as possible, if only to help him get over you and get it through his head that he has no chance.

As for the other to have you tried confronting or protesting their behavior? Especially if this is a recent change in either gal, just mentioning the change may make them more aware of it. Of course they may not care or get offended, but sounds like if they decide not to talk to you as much that might be a good thing.

Otherwise, I go back to one of my favorite scenes in scripture (see John 5 for the full story): Jesus is in Jerusalem and is passing by this pool that popular belief says can heal. Among all the sick and disabled people crowding around the pool hoping to get healed, Jesus walks up to a lame man who has been there for 38 years. And says to him, " Do you want to get well?"

It seems like such a foolish at best and downright rude or cruel at worst question, but the thing about people is a lot of them would rather complain about something than work to change it. My rule of thumb has been to realize that you can't help someone with a battle that they aren't fighting, even if you want them to fight that battle. If people have no desire or intention of changing, then I conclude that God would have me invest my energy elsewhere.

I have been going through something similar with conworkers lately. Setting boundaries with people like that is important. In some cases with more abrasive personalities I have just minimized contact for now.

I’m finding being “nice” is more detrimental than anything. It means not standing up for myself, not setting boundaries and accepting poor treatment from others. I say this as a recovering “nice guy”.

Gossiping is a bad one, especially since I can fall in the trap of wanting to listen. I am avoiding most of them for now. Once ai feel more confident in setting boundaries, I will start mentioning I don’t want to hear it.

Ew@toxiciy, gossip and negative nellies. I too am a people pleaser. He is teaching me that when I love others, sincerely, instead of pleasing them, He is pleased.

I get wanting to be there for your friends, but in order to make a gossiper comfy, you have to listen or indulge in like behaviors, and if you want to please those who want to dwell in the depths of negativity more often than not, then you would have to encourage, condone or enable more negative muck running. So in either instance, are you really loving them, God or Yourself, by pleasing them?

I struggle in this arena, BIG TIME, so I get it. I always want everyone to know they are lovable, and that I accept them, no matter what. After all, no one is always fun, or not annoying, lol, or always non toxic; we, everyone, will always need His Grace. However, that is the very reason why it is so necessary to be circumspect with regards to whom we spend our time with. Even with hanging out with ourselves, do we want to encourage thoughts and patterns that harm us and others.

You can always tell the gossipers that you are trying hard not to do that anymore because you want to honor God, and you can tell those focused on what's wrong with everything, disproportionately, that you are on a mission to think about what is lovely and good as the scriptures tell you to do. Watch the problem resolve itself as these people will probably walk away themselves, or maybe get on board with you. I mean do we not gravitate to those who are like minded? If they continue, then regardless if we continue to hangout with them or not, we must remain true to God. Either way, pray for them because Our God loves us all very much.

i have struggled with this many times before. I'm similar to you in that I tend to listen and offer support for people and they end up relying too heavily on me to unload all of their burdens.

I had to start setting boundaries. That meant ignoring texts and phone calls and not hanging out as much.

I struggled with the same feelings of guilt that you do, and in the end i realized that I am not perfect just like they are not perfect and distancing myself was something that I had to do.

The most important lesson I learned was to set boundaries, stick to them and don't let guilt draw you back into an unhealthy friendship. You are not going to save these people, only Jesus can do that

Hope this helps!

I try to work things out, communicate. If they don't acknowledge and make efforts to change then I ditch them. No point in wasting time on people that only bring you down. And sometimes it takes people realizing no ones left to see the need for change.

Hi Lady In Waiting,

Great question! I've struggled with this many times as well.

Something that has really helped me is the story of the first king of Israel (Saul), and how he started out with a great zeal for God, but eventually fell away so drastically that God Himself rejected him as king.

However, Samuel the prophet (like many of us) had invested a great deal of his life and efforts into Saul, and because of this, had a very hard time letting him go. When you read the story, you can almost feel Samuel's anguish because it's SO FAMILIAR--who hasn't clung on to someone we've poured our heart and soul into, especially over a long period of time? When I read those passages, I think of things like you and I clinging on to a toxic friend/acquaintance, a parent mourning over a child they know they can no longer trust, or a person who just can't let go of someone they have romantic feelings for. It's just SO HARD to walk away.

But even in the case of King Saul, God Himself told Samuel, "HOW LONG are you going to mourn over Saul, SINCE I HAVE REJECTED HIM AS KING OVER ISRAEL. Fill your horn and be on your way; I am sending you to Jesse of Bethlehem, for I have chosen one of his sons to be king."

In other words, I wonder how many times is God telling us, "HOW LONG are you going to cling on to this person? They've made their choice, and hanging on to them is doing nothing but killing you. Dry your tears and get up because it's time to move on, and I have other people for you to meet and minister to."

I know it can be a very tricky situation. We don't want to give up on people too soon, but I also believe that sometimes, God truly wants us to move on. Another great story that comes to mind is Jeremiah--I love how God told him that his friends and family were all smiling and greeting him warmly, but to be warned because underneath it all, they were plotting his demise.

Now, I love this story NOT because everyone was plotting against poor Jeremiah, but because he had such a close relationship with God that the Lord Himself warned Jeremiah of people's true intentions, no matter how much they tried to sugar-coat them.

One last guideline that might be helpful to is 1 Corinthians 15:33 -- "Do not be deceived--bad company corrupts good character."

When deciding who to keep and who to let go of in your life, pray about whether or not you want to become like the people you're asking about. Are they setting an example you want to follow? Are you hoping to work towards treating people the same way they do?

Don't feel bad about setting boundaries and holding to them, and don't be afraid if people are unhappy with your choices. Pray about it until you have peace, and stand firm in your decisions. It may very well be that with some of these people in your life, God might be asking, "How long are you going to mourn over them, seeing as even I don't think they're a good influence at this point in your life right now? Take my hand and come with me, because there is so much more I've set before you."

Best wishes to you, Lady, and please keep us posted!

Had toxic friendships. I cut em off

Im very much the same way and what I've learned and continuing to find, is that you can love people from a distance. Learn to compartmentalize the people in your life in accordance with their importance. I believe that's why there's a whole type of pecking order. God, spouse, children, family, church family, friends, etc.
I have had to shut the door and walk away from people that are very negative about pretty much everything in their lives. Like Tourist said, "joy stealers". If you feel like you have to spend all your energy on certain people around you, they can drain you so quickly, you have nothing left to give to others and sometimes nothing for yourself. You should never let someone make you feel like it's your job to control their bad emotions and attitudes...never let someone make you walk on eggshells in order to be around them. Theres a reason you are using the word toxic. Toxic can be poison and can make you sick.
Cutting ties can be hard...but well worth it. Like a weight has been lifted. A rush of oxygen and a jolt of freedom.