What's the Difference Between Having Dating Standards and Being a Snob?

Hey Everyone,

This is a subject I've been thinking about lately -- is there a difference between having standards for dating, and just plain being a snob?

I went to a Christian high school, and ironically, the kids who were considered cool were 1. athletic, 2. good-looking, and 3. usually outwardly rebelling in some way. I was not considered any of those things (though I had my own subtle ways of rebelling) and was a part of the crowd that didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, and was seen as a boring, "weird" (as one of the popular girls informed me) nerd who "attracted all the other nerds" (as yet another popular girl was more than happy to point out to me.)

At the time I felt awkward about it, but as I've gotten older, it's a title I'm certainly not ashamed of anymore, and will happily forever see myself as a grown-up, boring nerd.

The funny thing I've found is that when I was a more active member of the dating pool (on dating sites, etc.), I would regularly get blasted by guys who found out I was hoping to find another non-smoker, non-partyer, and non-drug user, and would then tell me things such as, "Wow, you really think you're too good for anyone, don't you? Well, you're really missing out, and it's totally your loss," then block me before even giving me a chance to explain.

I can't tell you how ironic it is to me to find that the exact same qualities that caused other people to call me a loser in high school now seem to incite the wrath of people who now tell me I'm a stuck-up snob.

And the funny thing is, if they let me tell a little more of my story, they'd find out that I finally caved to the peer pressure of always being told my standards were too high, making exceptions to almost every regular standard I thought I had--and thoroughly regretted it.

* I went on a few dates with someone who did drugs, and then about had a heart attack when I realized he carried them with him everywhere (I always had to drive because he'd had his license revoked) and could have cared less if we would have been stopped and put in jail. He probably would have thought it was amusing, because all my life, people have told me, "It would be so funny to get you all messed up." Um... no thanks.

* I dated someone whose first purchases of choice were always alcohol and cigarettes, and so I would wind up paying for things like his kids' daycare when he would cry over "not having any money" but wanting to keep his kids.

* There are actually reasons why I made the choices I did. For instance, I've never been officially tested but I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to smoke, and even being around smoke-saturated clothing or areas make my eyes and lungs feel like they're on fire. I'm also fairly sure I'm allergic to alcohol, and while I have absolutely nothing against occasional responsible social drinking (and have no personal moral problems eating some foods cooked with alcohol), after seeing it wreak havoc in far too many lives, it's definitely not something I'd be comfortable around on a regular daily basis.

With all the sensitivities I seem to have around things like alcohol and second-hand smoke, there's no way I would even want to consider being around (let alone trying) drugs.

Disclaimer: I hope that anyone who reads this doesn't get too caught up in my personal example, because it's only meant to give an illustration of the topic. I am also certainly NOT trying to say in any way, shape, or form, that someone who drinks, smokes, or does drugs is somehow completely undateable--NOT AT ALL.

I believe it's something that has to be taken on an individual basis. One of the reasons I made exceptions in the past is because the person I dated would say he was in the middle of quitting or was attending programs to help him quit, but things wound up only getting worse, which I very much realize might not be the case for everyone.

And I certainly don't hold the same "so-called" standards for friendships alone--some of my best friends have been chain smokers, etc. and are from all walks of life--but for myself, hanging out with someone who smokes occasionally vs. being around someone who smokes all the time (such as in a relationship) are very different circumstances.

The whole point of this thread is to get people talking about their points of view and experiences, rather than the one I'm giving here. I'm just throwing out this example as a starting point for our conversation. I would like to know more about YOUR thoughts, such as:

* What kinds of dating standards do you have that people criticize, and why?

* Has it caused you to change or make exceptions? What were the results?

* Is there such a thing as having too high of standards?

* Where is the line between having high standards, and just plain being a snob?

For my own life, I've come to the conclusion that I have to stick to what I've learned through trial and (mostly) error, ask God what direction I need to keep going in, and let people think what they will.

How about the rest of you?

I'm not as socially active with other people in the outside world at the moment. So, it's hard for me to possibly comment. But, all I can say is I totally relate in placing standards in people I'm with. Especially when it comes to smoking...I know quite a few of my peers who do a lot of that (though, I don't usually hang out with them). FYI I am also sensitive to second-hand smoke. When, I see someone I know who smokes it makes me feel like I can't hang out with that person anymore...my perspective about them changes...anyhow...

For dating...I've never "dated" someone before...so, due to lack of experience, it's hard for me to comment on this though I absolutely agree with some of the points you made.

Well, I didn't want to say anything at all...I'm usually hesitant because I'm more of an outsider

Anyway, I thought it wouldn't hurt to post in your new thread

Avoiding slobs doesn't make you a snob... Everyone has an idea of what's acceptable to them and what's intolerable. Most dating sites let you choose smoking/nonsmoking, nondrinker/casual drinker/drunk, etc. Having minimal standards makes perfect sense because its tough to mesh with someone who has a lot of bad habits. While no ones perfect and its possible to be too fussy, getting hooked-up with someone who drives you nuts can be a lot worse than being alone.

Seems to me, for the most part, the "snob" standard depends on the viewer, not the standard setter. Granted there are Some people with insanely high standards, but not many.
And on a dating site I imagine reject is pretty common so someone not even getting a chance, already stacked with rejection, will handle your standards even worse.
Though if they're the kind of person to blow up on someone for having personal standards that's probably a good indicator of why they're so often rejected.

Also it seems when such subjects are brought up and you hear everyone lay out their standards it seems as though reaching Anyones standards are nigh impossible. Yet when people deal with real individuals their standards aren't always so rigid, at least not with less important matters.

I have been told I'm "too picky" but no ones ever told me How I'm too picky. It seems to be a default response if you lack interest in someone they expect you to like as opposed to a view they can flesh out and explain.
As with most things it's always good to hear and check yourself against what people say, but not bend to every criticism. As I've heard said... if I pick the wrong person I'M the one that has to live with that decision, not you.

You can be realistic without being a snob.
I would have fixed standards and variable ones
Ive been criticized for being with a nonbeliever. For me its not important if Christian or not as long as hes not Muslim or so. And hes not allowed to hold me back.

Now I wouldnt ask for virgins, people who never drank or had fun. That I find unrealistic. But not wanting someone who doesnt drink regularly or who is more family oriented is understandable. Thats just a example for me what I think what is too high or not.

I used to be all anti drinker. Martin became a exception. It aint smart and brings troubles with it but hes cut down veeeery much and wants to knock it, hes just struggling. I wouldnt make that exception again though its going good now.

Something to pray and write down the standards you want in a future spouse. Definitely make sure they are realistic as no one is perfect. This gives me an idea to come up with a list to stay focused with. Sooner or later if some of the standards don't match, there will be tough frustrating times to go through. Everyone has the good and bad, it's whether or not you can deal with the bad. If you can't and think there is no way that person is going to change, it's maybe time to move on.

I was recently called a snob because I said I'd not date a smoker. It was by a smoker ...my dad to be exact. I told him... I'm sorry but the smell disgust me and I see how it affects the way you treat people when you can't smoke when you want to. It really made him mad at me for saying that... but I've grown up seeing him put that need above any other household or family needs. And I say need because it is for him... he's an addict.

I had to turn down the first guy that ask me out years ago because he was a closet alcoholic...he didn't know my best friend (his half sister) had already told me about his bad habit ... when I told him why...his reply was , "but I'm a Christian "........

Another guy that was a friend of my cousins started messaging me on Facebook (years ago) he was from my hometown but was currently in Florida (he failed to tell me it was a drug rehab center) he started off real spiritual , said he was a new Christian and needed a friend to help him pray about some stuff... my cousin warned me .... time you get comfortable with him he's gonna start being disrespectful. He started going on about how he needed a lady like me by his side and blahblahblah.... once I didn't agree right off.... he turned vulgar and disrespectful, then just plain out mean... he called me every name in the book before I just deleted him.

So moral of the story... I'd rather be a prude all by my lonesome than to end up with a situation that makes me unhappy just to say I'm in a relationship.

Nerd women are awesome.

I’m kind of surprised by the “standards” people are getting angry about. The stuff you mentioned seemed like very basic standards of acceptability to me. I’m sorry you ran into the reactions you did.

I guess when I read the title of the thread; the first thing that came to mind was those women that have lists of like 50 things every guy has to have in order to be datable. I recently read a book written by a 40 something woman that had silly expectations and had essentially taken herself out of the market over time dumping people over the silliest thing like they were a great match but had a slightly annoying laugh. It was a fascinating read.

I think I used to own those crazy standards and beat myself up over not meeting them. Working on myself, it is easier to see those for what they are and to decide that someone that wants a ridiculous list of things isn’t going to be a good match, anyway. At some point, I would regret being involved with them.


What you are talking about is nowhere near that. I think I would have the same standards myself. I use to be more tolerant of smokers but ai grow up when that was extremely common. I got away from smoker for a bit and find it disgusting when I am around it again. Plus there are breathing issues and what not.

There's nothing wrong with having high standards; we're fools not to. The opinions of others about "my" standards are quite irrelevant. However, if I hold to high standards, then I'm the fool if I'm whining that I can't find anyone who meets them. It's worthwhile giving your standards some critical examination... and then holding them firmly.

I see being a snob as treating others as though they have less intrinsic value than you. People all have the same intrinsic value, but there is a whale of a difference between that and attractiveness, however "you" happen to define it. Nobody gets to tell you what your standards "should" be, or who you "must" date.

Different people can have different standards for different reasons. I remember this one woman who got a divorce because:
With every standard I believe it comes down to WHY somebody has the standard. In dating, in church, in personal life, there are always many reasons standards are in place. Some are put in place to protect against negative effects. Some are grandfathered in because "That's the way we have always done it." Some might need to be examined and chunked. Some might have a very good, but not very obvious reason.

With accusations of snobbery, the accuser is claiming the accused has standards for the purpose of putting himself above other people, as though he is better than they. If you have been accused of such and you know it is not true, shrug it off and keep moving. You now know that is somebody you don't want to date anyway, so consider yourself fortunate you didn't start dating the wrong person.

I actually think this is very critical conversation for women. If you think about it, a woman's power of discernment is imperative when it comes to dating - even if she's known the person a long time.

I'm going to tell y'all a horror story about a friend of mine. Her name is Jessica who at the time was about 18 yo. She was a "casual" drug user, i.e., smoked marijuana or whatever, but never anything like meth, etc. She knew this guy she was kind of attracted to for a few months and decided to go out with him with a few friends. They had a great time, he turned out to be an even better guy than she realized and "we were talking all deep" blah blah blah, so she gets all starry eyed and goes out again.

On this next date the guy takes her out in this national forest pretty near where I live. She thinks he was showing her some picturesque landscape like an idiot. By the Grace of Our Holy Father, thank you Jesus Lord God, a county trooper was patrolling the area and pulled the guy over for some infraction and pulls up a warrant on the guy. The warrant was enough for the trooper to search the vehicle.

No, no drugs were found. No stolen articles. No open containers. What the trooper found when he opened the trunk is that it had been carefully lined with black plastic. The other articles inside were a shovel, a pick, and some rope. The young man also had a large knife under his seat. The warrant was a sexual assault charge. Jessica was more than happy to get a ride home with the cop.

Men, I think, might worry about pretty trite stuff when it comes to dating. With women, I would think it's a little more salient.

I dont see any of what you spoke about as being snobbish. You know if that was your intention or not.
If others choose to interpret it that way, well then that is their issue.
Fact is, if more people had carried themselves as you do, the country would be a much better place.

Hi. My name is James and I drink alcohol

Ok the liine between standards and snobs is this:

Having practical dating standards protects a person from entering into potentially disastrous and/or abusive relationships.

Being a snob means you won't date someone because of superficial reasons like they aren't wealthy or because they're of a certain ethnicity.

Absolutely true, but:
In practice, people who really aren't good enough for you and don't meet your standards are going to call your standards unreasonable or snobby because they want someone like you that is better than they deserve.

How much do you drink, James? Do you have a problem with your drinking?

That would make a difference on where your standard lies? God gave His followers the standards on how to relate to people. Follow Him and His standards to honor Him. The ones who don't like that aren't the ones you should be around anyway.

I would tell ya, but then, I would have to lower my standards to do so............


(hehe)

Hi seoulsearch... So glad to see another one of your deep thought provoking (participation oriented human behavior) inquiries...

In your example I absolutely would not characterize your younger-selves high standards as snobbish. Rather, I would give yourself a lot more credit for having been genuinely in-touch with your self-worth and self-value...
It is unfortunate, that being the kind-hearted and open minded person that you are that you may have mistook other peoples attempts to bring you down to their level as a means of taking such criticism to heart...
It does appear that over the course of life's lessons you have come full circle to re-acknowledge that your younger-self was right all along...
You intuitively have always known your true value and self worth...
Unlike my advice for recommending lowering a persons bottom-line to minimize risk to successfully sell a home quickly - I absolutely do not believe that WE (people of higher moral standards) should ever have to compromise or lower our standards when we are confident in knowing our own value/worth...

Funny - when I was younger I was the fairly good-looking, athlete who also happened to be a bookworm (nerd)... Given, I'm a socially functional introvert lots of girls would ask my sisters if I was stuck-up/conceded and they would quickly come to my defense and let them know - 'NO, he's just really confident and a tad bit shy...'

So I basically I maintained my high moral standards pretty much all the way thru college and into my mid-20s... When I realized that the mathematical odds of me meeting my dream-girl were gradually increasing in uncertainty... So before there was online dating, they started out with brick and mortar dating facilities with binders of profiles, pictures and VHS (maybe Beta) tapes with two minute video introductions.

I think I dated a handful of young ladies using this dating system. Where the average duration was about 1-2 months, which is about normal before one of two people recognizes that the other was not quite what they were looking for in a life-long partner... Was I picky - yes; but I was determined that the Lord would bless me with someone that would come into my life of equal (or better) moral standards, other favorable qualities, and mutual interests.

My biggest life-lesson was that I was on a quest to hold-out for my 'dream-girl' part of that criteria was this preconceived physical image of what I thought she might look like... In hindsight evidently I was partial to brunettes...
Upon immense self reflection over the past two years I have come to recognize that it is the high moral standards and the inner beauty that is so much more important than their exterior features; which too often are merely a mask that makes it difficult to genuinely gauge their true inner value...

Bottomline - hold your ground on your high moral standards...

God Bless