This is extremely long, but bear with me if you can. When I was posting here in early 2017, I had made a mistake with a friend of mine and we kissed one night, even though he had a girlfriend. The shame and guilt took it's toll on me, and at the time I posted on here a few times for some relief and got some really encouraging, kind responses which was a beautiful thing. I told the girlfriend in the end, and this caused some friction but she was beyond gracious actually and I was able to continue to go to that church and serve in the ministries I was involved in with him. They are still together now. In the time that has passed, I have moved church as I longed for a fresh start and I was still struggling with this burden. It took nearly two years for me to truly release this and be free, much longer than I ever anticipated. The church I am in now, for nearly a year now, is fantastic and I have really felt able to grow. I have been pushed outside of my comfort zone, but I have made some amazing friends here, and God has so evidently been at work through this church I honestly can't even tell you! It's so powerful. I got a promotion at work and am happier than ever in my job, and I moved away from the city I was in and the people I was surrounded by and started afresh in this way too.
I was at an event last week, and the speaker was talking about emotional healing and forgiveness of self and others. He spoke about spiritual connections that can linger long after we feel we have moved on and the importance of forgiving others and ourselves. It was like he was speaking directly to my heart. I really felt God move and say "It's time to release this to me truly, for good". I received prayer afterwards for this very thing, and the speaker led us in our own internal prayers as a group which was powerful. This guy has been part of my heart for so long, I kind of stopped being aware of it and just continued on with my life. But there was always something holding me back, and I couldn't seem to shake it.
He has been in touch not so long ago but I no longer feel the pull to him that I once did. I finally have the strength to leave him in the past, and move on with my life. I am finally embracing all that God has for me, all that He designed me to be, and the fullness of life which He so madly wants for me. I know I am loved beyond measure and reason, and that God will never hold my past sins against me. I broke His heart when I broke mine, and He felt my every ache and pain these past two years. He was there with me in the dirt and the mud, when I was broken and covered in a shame so heavy I couldn't stand under it. He was there with me in the rivers of tears that poured from my wounded soul. He was there with me in the ashes of my burnt bridges. He was there as I finally rose from the dark pit I was trapped in and began to climb to safety. He was there when I could see the horizon for the first time in nearly a year. He was there when I fell back down into the trap that ensnared me before. He was there when I hadn't learned my lesson yet, and needed more time to grow. He was there when I was tempted again and again, and struggled to withstand it. He was there when I made the climb again, faster this time, and further onto stable ground away from the pit. He was there when I finally released this toxic connection to Him, waiting with open arms, ready to receive it all. He was there to carry the burden I shouldered for 743 days (yes, I did the math!) and He was there to seal my heart back together at last with His everlasting love and unending forgiveness. He was there to wrap me up in His arms of grace. He bestowed upon me His peace. He healed me, made me pure in His sight, and set me free. He reminded me of who I am in Him and whose daughter I am first and foremost.
When I wrote here at the beginning of this journey, I wrote "I feel such a strong pull towards him, and I know in my head that is not from God. I am constantly fighting with my own heart and it's painful. Whenever I start to crumble, I feel God reaching out to me and trying to pull me back. Then I feel the strong pull again, that I'm starting to realise is coming from Satan. He is attacking me all the time, and God is fighting on my behalf as I am too weak on my own. I know that God loves me and wants to protect me, but I also believe the devil is powerful as well and he has his hooks right in me. I feel like I have given him control over my heart somewhere down the line and failed in withstanding him. I know God can win this battle and heal me, I just feel so scared and unhappy. I want to draw close to God again like I was before, but I still feel this divide (which is of my own making) between us. I am praying but I feel disconnected and alone. I used to feel so secure in His love and His protection. I know one day I will look back at this trial and praise God for seeing me through, I just need to get to that day."
"I need God more than ever, and I know He still holds me in His hands even though I can't feel it right now. I feel like I am unravelling, and have lost myself. I chipped away pieces here and there, and made myself so small for someone who has no regard for me at all. I feel so broken and undone. I can't remember the last time I felt this worn out and used up. I have to believe that this is the place where God can do amazing things in me and transform me into something so much better than what I have been. I have to believe I will be like the butterfly, and after this period of darkness and waiting, I will emerge and have my wings to fly. This will just be a story of growth and change - a victory won. I have to believe that or I will shatter completely."
I can finally say that the day is here, and victory has been won. God has overcome every last demon, He has cast out every shadow in my heart. He has restored me fully to Him, and is doing a new work in me now. He is speaking to me more than ever, and I am learning to be better attuned to His voice in my life. I am so overwhelmed when I look back at the past two years - I had months and months of emotional agony, I was so besotted with this guy that I allowed myself to dance with the devil rather than listen to God because I knew this wasn't what He wanted for me. I shut God out, I couldn't pray anymore because I was ashamed of my thoughts and what I wanted and I knew God would never give me what I wanted. There was a time I genuinely felt I would never get over this, and I would forever feel trapped by it, both the emotions towards this guy and the guilt around this. I felt I would always be vulnerable to fall back into old patterns and mistakes, and I would never feel strong again. Now, God has gradually built me back up and taught me what it means to be a child of God again. He has brought the right people into my life, and seamlessly removed the wrongs ones. He has blessed me abundantly, in ways I never even expected, which makes it so much better. He has brought me to a place where I can stand and say "Because of Him, I am an overcomer".
Satan tricks us when we least expect it and once he gets his claws in it's so hard to get free. God never stops fighting for us though, even when we don't have the strength or willpower to fight for ourselves. Wherever you are, whatever is in your heart, God knows it and is already working in it and through it and ways you maybe won't see for some time yet. Keep the faith, keep pushing on. God is in it, all of it, even the really messy stuff. He is able to overcome anything we face.
I was at an event last week, and the speaker was talking about emotional healing and forgiveness of self and others. He spoke about spiritual connections that can linger long after we feel we have moved on and the importance of forgiving others and ourselves. It was like he was speaking directly to my heart. I really felt God move and say "It's time to release this to me truly, for good". I received prayer afterwards for this very thing, and the speaker led us in our own internal prayers as a group which was powerful. This guy has been part of my heart for so long, I kind of stopped being aware of it and just continued on with my life. But there was always something holding me back, and I couldn't seem to shake it.
He has been in touch not so long ago but I no longer feel the pull to him that I once did. I finally have the strength to leave him in the past, and move on with my life. I am finally embracing all that God has for me, all that He designed me to be, and the fullness of life which He so madly wants for me. I know I am loved beyond measure and reason, and that God will never hold my past sins against me. I broke His heart when I broke mine, and He felt my every ache and pain these past two years. He was there with me in the dirt and the mud, when I was broken and covered in a shame so heavy I couldn't stand under it. He was there with me in the rivers of tears that poured from my wounded soul. He was there with me in the ashes of my burnt bridges. He was there as I finally rose from the dark pit I was trapped in and began to climb to safety. He was there when I could see the horizon for the first time in nearly a year. He was there when I fell back down into the trap that ensnared me before. He was there when I hadn't learned my lesson yet, and needed more time to grow. He was there when I was tempted again and again, and struggled to withstand it. He was there when I made the climb again, faster this time, and further onto stable ground away from the pit. He was there when I finally released this toxic connection to Him, waiting with open arms, ready to receive it all. He was there to carry the burden I shouldered for 743 days (yes, I did the math!) and He was there to seal my heart back together at last with His everlasting love and unending forgiveness. He was there to wrap me up in His arms of grace. He bestowed upon me His peace. He healed me, made me pure in His sight, and set me free. He reminded me of who I am in Him and whose daughter I am first and foremost.
When I wrote here at the beginning of this journey, I wrote "I feel such a strong pull towards him, and I know in my head that is not from God. I am constantly fighting with my own heart and it's painful. Whenever I start to crumble, I feel God reaching out to me and trying to pull me back. Then I feel the strong pull again, that I'm starting to realise is coming from Satan. He is attacking me all the time, and God is fighting on my behalf as I am too weak on my own. I know that God loves me and wants to protect me, but I also believe the devil is powerful as well and he has his hooks right in me. I feel like I have given him control over my heart somewhere down the line and failed in withstanding him. I know God can win this battle and heal me, I just feel so scared and unhappy. I want to draw close to God again like I was before, but I still feel this divide (which is of my own making) between us. I am praying but I feel disconnected and alone. I used to feel so secure in His love and His protection. I know one day I will look back at this trial and praise God for seeing me through, I just need to get to that day."
"I need God more than ever, and I know He still holds me in His hands even though I can't feel it right now. I feel like I am unravelling, and have lost myself. I chipped away pieces here and there, and made myself so small for someone who has no regard for me at all. I feel so broken and undone. I can't remember the last time I felt this worn out and used up. I have to believe that this is the place where God can do amazing things in me and transform me into something so much better than what I have been. I have to believe I will be like the butterfly, and after this period of darkness and waiting, I will emerge and have my wings to fly. This will just be a story of growth and change - a victory won. I have to believe that or I will shatter completely."
I can finally say that the day is here, and victory has been won. God has overcome every last demon, He has cast out every shadow in my heart. He has restored me fully to Him, and is doing a new work in me now. He is speaking to me more than ever, and I am learning to be better attuned to His voice in my life. I am so overwhelmed when I look back at the past two years - I had months and months of emotional agony, I was so besotted with this guy that I allowed myself to dance with the devil rather than listen to God because I knew this wasn't what He wanted for me. I shut God out, I couldn't pray anymore because I was ashamed of my thoughts and what I wanted and I knew God would never give me what I wanted. There was a time I genuinely felt I would never get over this, and I would forever feel trapped by it, both the emotions towards this guy and the guilt around this. I felt I would always be vulnerable to fall back into old patterns and mistakes, and I would never feel strong again. Now, God has gradually built me back up and taught me what it means to be a child of God again. He has brought the right people into my life, and seamlessly removed the wrongs ones. He has blessed me abundantly, in ways I never even expected, which makes it so much better. He has brought me to a place where I can stand and say "Because of Him, I am an overcomer".
Satan tricks us when we least expect it and once he gets his claws in it's so hard to get free. God never stops fighting for us though, even when we don't have the strength or willpower to fight for ourselves. Wherever you are, whatever is in your heart, God knows it and is already working in it and through it and ways you maybe won't see for some time yet. Keep the faith, keep pushing on. God is in it, all of it, even the really messy stuff. He is able to overcome anything we face.
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