Fireproof

When I was little, I remember my Grandma reading the story of Shadrac, Meshac and Abendigo. I'm probably not spelling the names right. This is why I feel "Fireproof" now.

Recently I spent five long months in jail. I was arrested and charged with Murder in the second degree for taking a man's life. I didn't mean to do it. It truly was an accident. I was trying to scare him off with a gun that wasn't mine. I had never fired one before, or even held one before. It was meant to be a warning shot. It hit him, and he died. I'm out on bond right now which cost me and my family my last dime and signing away all our homes, our land, promising away our very last assets just to get me out of that place to make it to my trial. I have no idea what will happen to me. But I could not stay in that place. I am still very traumatized. It has now been two weeks since I've been back out into the real world and every little thing still scares me. Nothing seems real to me now. I can't watch TV. I can't drive. I lost so much weight those five months that none of my clothes fit. I'm seeing doctors now for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and taking very expensive medicines just to cope with life. I'm using credit cards to pay for these things but I have no idea what to do when these bills come in the mail. I just pray.

I was telling my friend the other day, though, that not all my memories of jail are bad. And that is a very bold statement, considering that I can't even put my little dog on her leash to go potty without shaking every morning. But truly, in some ways I am stronger coming out of there than I was when I went in. The reason I tried so hard and my family too to get me out was so I could prepare for my trial. Right now jail has me so traumatized that the court psychiatrist isn't even sure I am still competent to stand trial. I am fighting to regain my mental strength because believe me, I would rather be mentally sound and accountable than be written off as crazy and stuck in some state hospital, and trust me, plenty of people get stuck in jails crazy and folks, that just ain't right. Mentally sick people do not belong in jail. That is not Christian, that is not human, that is worst treatment than kicking a sick and dying animal or putting a dying baby out in the trash. I am not playing. We are God's children and I am not using drama. This is real. Please think on this because you never know when it could happen to someone you love. I am a mother, I have two daughters, if it happened to me, it can happen to anyone.

I don't know how many guards are actually there in the facility where I was, or how many I came in contact with. In my mind there were hundreds, but surely in reality there couldn't have been that many. In the midst of the awful ones, though, there were a precious few that I call my "Gabriels." My Angles whose WINGS DID NOT BURN in the flames that were THE HELL OF THAT PLACE. And friends, do not be deceived. JAIL IS HELL. If not for those Angels, I would not have made it out. But I was thinking about my Angels the other evening, and then I thought about all that I've been through in my lifetime, which has been more than the average person. And I wondered if perhaps I, too might be an Angel whose wings do not burn? And if so, what God might have in store for me? Might He not have missions planned for me, and am I ready? I must say, that after the time I spent trapped in the burning pit of hell that was jail for five months, and the new appreciation for LIFE and my LOVE FOR GOD, WHO AM I TO SAY NO? Yes, Lord, CALL and I will ANSWER!

My journey of course is not over. I must still stand trial and be accountable for my actions. I must admit that it took this tragedy to show me the true purpose of life, which is TO KNOW HIM, but that I DO TRULY NOW KNOW HIM, and in that I AM FREE, so whatever the outcome of this situation is, I KNOW WHERE MY TRUE HOME AND HAPPINESS IS. THANK YOU LORD FOR BLESSING ME WITH ONE MORE DAY OF TRUE FREEDOM.

Your story has been so devastating. I am truly sorry for going through this. And I have heard cases of this. I'll be praying for you...the trauma you're going through must be hard...I can not comprehend...

I'm curious...why do you need to stand trial? It's clear what happened was in self-defense, wasn't it? I'm unsure of the reasons why you had to that...but as you said it was accidental.

otherwise, with God on your side...all things are possible. So, I encourage you to continue to trust Him always

Yes, it truly was in self-defense, but even so I must stand trial to prove that it was. And during the trial, the prosecution (lawyers for the State) will argue that I am guilty of murder, that I did it on purpose, that I planned to kill him out of vicious cold blood. And I have to prove to the 12-person jury that I'm not a heartless killer. That is where my faith in God has to keep me the strongest because I have already had to face the people whose job it is to make me look like the worst kind of monster in the world, and if they succeed in twisting the story like that and convincing the jury and the judge, this soccer mom will go to prison.

That's what I meant by being FIREPROOF. If I am truly the Child of God that I know myself to be, and I continue to walk with Him every day no matter what, then even if I do go to prison for what I have done, my wings will not burn there either.

Based on your posts I believe that you have a excellent chance of acquittal. I am saying a prayer for a positive outcome. If worse comes to worse God will even be with you in prison. Jesus said once that when He was in prison there were those that came to see Him and comfort Him and also that there were those that chose not to and neglect Him in His hour of need. I pray also that your faith remain strong in the Lord and that He too will neither leave or forsake you. Glad to have you as part of our family even under these most difficult of circumstances. Welcome to CC.

Good luck to you but why did you have a gun that was not yours?

I had only one friend here and her ex husband that were helping me as much as they could, but she just couldn't stay with me in the house 24 x 7. I have never believed in guns, guns scare me. But things had gotten so bad, and me in the house by myself, my friends thought if they brought me one of their guns, I might at least be able to show it to this guy and stand my ground with him. Keep my boundary. I almost made it through that day, too. It was almost time for my friend to get off work and come home but he showed up before she could get there. And I held that awful gun up to show him I had it to try and scare him off, and he just looked at me like, so what, that doesn't scare me. Then what was supposed to be a "warning shot" was what has sent me down the worst possible path I could have ever imagined. You know the story up to this point. Goodness. That's where I have to put it all in God's hands tho. I should have put it there much much sooner, wouldn't you all agree? Amen.

Thank you, and I totally agree. I already have freedom in my spirit because I do walk with Him. And if His plan is that I serve prison time for my actions, I have to trust that. Yes, it will be difficult to leave my family. That will hurt me so deeply. But I "trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Greetings S-Bar welcome... I think you will like it here in the cc...
Lots of amazingly honest, and gracious, sometimes outspoken and opinionated - but always loving, caring and giving of advice for those who are seeking prayer, friendship, support or just a break from their daily routine...
My heart breaks for you along your struggles and your journey... I will pray for you, that you are blessed with the strength to strive to seek our lords, grace, mercy and forgiveness...
Our Lord is Great! He and only he, has the means to judge his measure of grace, mercy and forgiveness for all of his children...
I pray that you know, that as a child of God - he does in fact love you, and you are on the right path towards seeking his forgiveness...
God Bless

Thank you Solemateleft. Your kind words and fellowship mean so much to me.
Greatest thanks and blessings.

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Hi S_Bar

Sorry for the situation you’re in – it looks to me you’ve done all u can. All u can do now is rest and wait on the Lord as he guides u thru it.

I expect there will come a time when u will be looking back on this as a receding memory as u live the life God intended u to live.

"Trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Thanks for reminding me of that Proverb - that’s one of my favorites!

When I was in one of lifes big jams I also grew quite fond of Psalm 50 vr 15;

‘Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.’

Will pray. Glad u found your way to CC !
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Sorry you are going through this. I am praying too. Stay strong, stay encouraged!

I'm certainly glad you are leaving this situation in God's Hands, and pray it will work out.

But to be honest, there are huge gaps in your story about killing him being an accident.

Who is this man? Did you know him? Was he in your house, and if so how did he get in? Why didn't you call the police? Did he come at you? Where were your children? Did he threaten them?

I mean we have a dead man here who can't give his side of the story. On the other hand, if he was a stranger that forced his way into your home, I don't think ANYONE would have a problem with you shooting him.

Thank you for sharing your testimony. I am not asking questions, but just saying may the Lord deliver you from wrong accusations, and may you continue serving and loving Him whatever the outcome. The Lord is good all the time, even when we're in the fires or floods, and i believe He will get you through.

How potent, how tragic... so much I can not begin to speak on. But my heart and prayers reach out to you as I am so encouraged that He brought you to this...

TO KNOW HIM, but that I DO TRULY NOW KNOW HIM, and in that I AM FREE, so whatever the outcome of this situation is, I KNOW WHERE MY TRUE HOME AND HAPPINESS IS. THANK YOU LORD FOR BLESSING ME WITH ONE MORE DAY OF TRUE FREEDOM.

That makes us sisters, and my past is also corrupted by sin... He has washed us both with His mighty hand of grace.

Your raw, wide open testimony, has great potential to bring others in or out of jail to Him. I pray for that and for your continued strength and comfort.

Hugs and God Bless you and yours.